EBSA support thread 2

[Luddite26]

Hopefully this links to Brambley Hedges EBSA support thread.
A community to discuss the processes and support each other when children are experiencing Emotionally Based School Avoidance.

@Piony I am so glad to hear that DS has started his exams on a positive footing. Fingers crossed for the next few weeks to pass quickly opening up to a few weeks of rest. Hope you get to a comedy night.
The Forest school was great thankyou. A lady who has set up a business doing pop up Forest School from a horsebox. Anything like that just exhausts GS. It's like he puts all his energy into his persona for that period and when we get home he is drained.

I have to say home ed is easier than dealing with the alternative of burnout from going to school for GS6 and all the damage along the way. Or all the constant negative contact from school for GS15. He is much calmer and most of his home ed is him learning to become the person he wants to be. Lots of cooking and practical work like gardening/allotmenting. But he is better in himself and family life is smoother. He had a very fractured school life. Always had 100% attendance never late etc but always in trouble. His face just never fitted and then the pandemic. And high school was just awful. He probably played up to the reputation of being a problem child but at home he wasn't so we don't miss the phone calls of doom!

@swimmingdory I think overthinking and doubt never totally leaves you whatever you decide. We are so conditioned into thinking that the school system is the only way. But the only way you know if you are doing the right thing is in how your child is feeling.

And breathe........

How is everyone doing?
Anything nice planned for the bank holiday?

@Piony how has the week gone in your house ?
@Icantpeopleanymore thinking of you and yours.

Thanks for thinking of us @Luddite26. I know what you mean about these things taking all his energy. I remember how exhausting it is starting a new job, even as a fully fledged grown up used to working FT.

DS has sat all his exams so far despite some wobbles and we are super proud of him. Being in the exam period seems to be marginally better than the lead up. At least there is the sense of making progress now, ticking them off. We have a half term ahead of balancing between DD stressing about revision and skirting burnout, and DS just wanting low demand. I've been trying to think of things we all might do together and it's very hard. I thought a theme park would be good as they both adore rollercoasters (good for discharging adrenaline or something) but they both say they'll be too crowded.

That sounds like wonderful news @Piony considering everything you have all been through to get here. I hope the half term works as a recharge.
Theme parks are great but the queues just spoil it then paying for queue busters is such a racket.
And when you think you could do that when the exams are over and while everyone is back at school.
But then they're not always fully functioning on off peak days either. It's just luck if you hit on right. I hope you can breathe a little easier for a few days at least.💐

Hello all, my Y5 DD is finding it increasingly difficult to get into school, lovely to find this thread! We are looking at specialist for her for secondary but in the meantime, how far do you try to force a child to go in if it's distressing.... I'm torn between letting her have days off when she feels she needs them versus the danger of it setting a precedent.

Hi @RavenLaw sorry you and your DD are going through it.
Do you have any idea why it's happening - if there is any reasons.
How are school handling the situation.

Some believe it is better to be child led and low demand. In most parts of life we don't force children into situations they are not happy with but when it comes to school we seem to have a different attitude.
Are you dealing with this on your own or have you got support?💐

Hi @RavenLaw and welcome to the club no one wants to be in! Also thank you for boosting the thread up again - I'd lost it. I don't really know how to answer you question. I think we were probably a bit slow to "let" him stay home but it's such a paradigm shift to not throw everything you have at getting them in when that is all you've ever known. I would encourage you to draw as much help from school as you can, and share with them how distressed she is because they probably won't be fully aware (and may or may not take it seriously, but better to try than not.) If you are looking at specialist school I would suggest kicking off an EHCNA request asap if you haven't already. The earlier you secure it in Y6, the easier the path to specialist will be. Phase transfer placements are normally decided by Feb for students with EHCPs. That doesn't make it impossible if you don't have one by then, but it's easier if you can be in the main round.

@Luddite26 apologies for not acknowledging. Tough half term here. Eng Lang tomorrow which is the biggest hurdle, and a slightly easier run after that.

@Piony absolutely no need to apologise. Sorry half-term wasn't great. Thoughts are with you for tomorrow I really hope it can go well. Hopefully the relief of crossing the line will be felt soon.🌈

@RavenLaw sorry to hear this. We have had a similar situation with our DD year 8. If anything seems overwhelming to her - school environment/friendships/workload etc her default is to shut down and not go in. We made the decision to take the pressure off for the first half of this term which helped us all as it was becoming increasingly stressful to get her up and dressed in the mornings. It worked and she felt better but it now seems to have become a habit and she has zero desire to go back in at all. So taking the pressure off backfired a bit for us. She feels too much water has gone under the bridge as now she’s almost too embarrassed to go back which is also causing shutdown. School have been trying hard but not much they can do unless she is there. I feel that particular school is too much for her in every aspect so we have now found another local school which has a much more relaxed pace and we’re trying to move her there. She is adamant she doesn’t want to be home schooled but if this next school doesn’t work I fear that may be the only other option.
it’s so hard to find a balance/know how much to push/know what to do. There are no rule books and I find it very isolating which is why I’m so grateful for this group. I feel so sad for these poor kids, the system is so flipping rigid and unless you’re parenting a child for whom the system doesn’t work, it’s impossible to understand the heartache and stress it causes.
@Piony good luck for the last few, nearly there, what an achievement for you both 💪🏼

@Luddite26 I hope you are well!

@EggShells1972 for what it is worth I don't think it has backfired as much as made DD feel safe and possibly prevented future untold damage by dragging her kicking and screaming until she doesn't know who to trust. But when you are living it there is no light at the end of the tunnel.

I don't think I could go to school now. I managed with what would now be called periods of EBSA 40 years ago. But now lunchtime alone would stress me out. Same as I have never been able to work in an office.
Sometimes I think it can click into place and a child can go back but the flip side can be burnout.
It's not won't but can't.
I remember laying in bed just not being able to do anything but stare at my posters and listen to Radio 1 for weeks at a time nothing particular stopping me from going just not being able to face it.

I hope you can get the move sorted and DD can try again. At least she is not wanting to be home ed. It feels like that has become an epidemic. So many people say to me their child wants to be home schooled it makes you wonder how much more secure kids felt learning in the pandemic.

PS @EggShells1972 when the home ed lady came out to me from the council she said there had been an exodus from Y8 more than any other school year.
Maybe they've tried hard in Y7 then get to year 8 and just can not continue the slog.

Thank you for all the support @Luddite26 @Piony @EggShells1972.

We have an EHCP in place and the school is amazing - I wish every school had this school's SENCO, she is superb. Looking at friends' children in other mainstreams, I am certain that we would have encountered this problem at least 2 years ago if it weren't for her. I can't praise them enough - but the reality for DD is that mainstream is just too much for her however wonderful the mainstream is.

I do have support, thanks - again I do realise how incredibly lucky I am, DP is 100% on board and my mum has been astonishingly good at understanding autism and being there for DD.

I think we'd hoped that with early diagnosis, lots of early intervention and support, an EHCP, a 1:1 who DD gets on with well, that it would all be enough but unfortunately it's the environment she can't cope with and increasingly the social demands of upper primary years. It sounds a bit depressing when I put it like that but equally I suppose at least I don't have those "what ifs" of what if we'd sought a diagnosis earlier, got an EHCP earlier etc...... because we're still here.

I don't think you have done the wrong thing with not pushing DD to school @RavenLaw .
Your daughter sounds highly emotionally intelligent. So often with autism one of the traits can be that a person doesn't read the room or can be socially clumsy. But I think sometimes they can read the room only too well and it doesn't work for them.
I would just keep reassuring DD that you all get it.
I don't know anything about EHCPs but there are people on MN who are very good with advice. There is an EHCP support thread on here which would help you go through the process of a move if you need any help.
My DD who has spent years of her adult life with MH problems starting with Autism burnout and masking. Looking back probably from the very beginning of school. Says why is there so much emphasis on friendship groups and having friends? Why can't we be taught that friends aren't all that important and you can enjoy your own company. And why do schools force everyone into the playground and not have quiet areas where you can unwind at break times/lunchtime. Masking is damaging.

Education wise while DD isn't in school something like IXL might be worth a try. It's an online learning app which is easy for kids to navigate and a reasonable price. It may not be suitable or necessary but might be worth a look.💐

Brilliant @RavenLaw you are way ahead of me. I've come across several adults who talk extremely highly of having been to specialist schools - and as they say themselves, the fact they are standing up saying these things to strangers at all is quite a mark of success.

Eek. DS's English starts in 5 mins.

@Piony I hope your DS is well after today.
I hope you can enjoy the weekend. He has done very well getting through. Fingers crossed to the end.💐

Thank you @Luddite26. He stayed in for whole exam. We celebrated with takeaway. Hooray! and fingers crossed for a pass.

That's wonderful news. Your poor DS.. a massive win for you all today.🌞

@RavenLawmy yr5 DD was the same. I’ll be completely honest and say physically forcing her in everyday was detrimental to her and to us. It is one of my biggest regrets when it comes to this whole situation. She has since been diagnosed with ADHD and has medication and is currently trying and succeeding to access school. She did 2 full days last week which was unheard of towards the end of last year! May I ask what diagnosis your daughter has?

DD10 is making wonderful progress but I am very very aware that change is afoot due to summer holidays/new term.

DD15 struggling still though. Our local autism team have suggested she try anti anxiety medicine as they feel that unless her baseline level of anxiety is addressed she will probably be unable to access the CAMHS help. I approached the GP and was a waste of time. Said they couldn’t prescribe due to her age. School have suggested a change of placement. Our LA will likely refuse this and DD is upset because she does WANT to go to school! It’s so hard to watch her not meet her potential. She did say it’s not just even the school it’s getting there!? It’s so hard to know how to help her when I think she is unsure too! She said the most Autism ever did to her was make a her a bit weird, she can’t understand why she can’t do things anymore. I really hope we get some help soon.

I hope everyone’s doing OK

Well done to your DS @Piony!

Great to hear your DD is accessing school again @fedup1212. My DD has autism, ADHD, auditory processing disorder and prosopagnosia, along with alexithymia and generalised anxiety disorder. Although I think that last one is a perfectly natural response to the first five.

@fedup1212 I'm glad to hear your good news about DD10. Hope the summer hols aren't a massive spanner in the works.
Awful for you and DD 15. I assume September is y11? I hope you aren't feeling more pressure because of this.
I have mentioned before I look after an adult with Autism and LD and he has been in recent years prescribed sertraline and it has been very good for calming. But I believe his prescription for this doesn't come from his GP but from his MH facility.
Is there any way you could speak to CAHMS about the GPs refusal?💐

PS I am not saying sertraline suits everyone I am just saying that it has worked in my experience. Obviously the prescription is for an individual. I am not saying sertraline works for everyone with ASD.

Thank you @RavenLaw . DS even feeling a bit better about school tomorrow.

@fedup1212 NICE guidelines say antidepressants should only be prescribed by CAMHS for under a certain age (not sure if it's 16 or 18). We had a catch 22 where CAMHS rejected the referral saying we hadn't exhausted level 1 interventions like CBT, so he didn't meet the threshold. However my pleas that he couldn't access those at all, due to his disability and suspected depression, fell on deaf ears. It was the corollary of "climb this flight of stairs to get your wheelchair". Also it really couldn't wait a year.

We ended up getting a private psychiatrist involved. I'd suggest pushing with CAMHS if you can - I wonder if I had filled in the forms differently maybe I'd have done a bit better. CAMHS can move quickly with children they triage as urgent.

Hi, What special schools in London have you heard are good? Y7 autistic daughter, not attended secondary yet, ADHD also, but we'd like to try a specialist school for Y8/Y9 and transition to mainstream. Trying to find a school that could work.

I'm sorry @greenhappy I have no idea.but it may be worth starting a thread asking. I have seen many threads asking about schools in certain areas and people always reply.
I'm sorry you haven't found a place for her yet . Precious time gets wasted.💐