Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Lesbian daughter —DH opposes it

269 replies

theferry · 15/03/2025 12:28

My DD is 15 and has come out as lesbian. She is in a relationship with another 15 year old girl. I think it’s OK for this, having had a conversation with DD about sex. DH is threatening to leave over me supporting it. He thinks it’s a terrible thing. He’s saying she’s too young to be in a relationship. Who’s right?

OP posts:
SpringingIntoSummerLobelia · 15/03/2025 12:29

He's a fool if he thinks he can dictate your child's sexual preferences.

Regretsmorethanafew · 15/03/2025 12:30

Does he oppose her being a lesbian or does he oppose her being in a sexual relationship? Because is way more unreasonable than the other.

TheBunnyLover · 15/03/2025 12:30

15 is a very normal age to start getting into relationships, hetero or otherwise.

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 15/03/2025 12:30

Does he object to her being a lesbian, or object to her having sex at 15 (regardless of who it’s with)?

if it’s the former, he’s wrong. If it’s the latter, I can see his point

LoremIpsumCici · 15/03/2025 12:30

The DH is not opposed to his DD being lesbian. He is opposed to a 15yr old having sex. I’m with him in this. 16 is the age of consent in the U.K. for any kind of sexual activity. OP seems ok with sex in the relationship because she’s had a talk with DD. I’d be of a mind that a relationship is fine, but no sex until 16.

Sevenamcoffee · 15/03/2025 12:31

He’s threatening to leave you? Ok then pack his bag and wave him off.

theferry · 15/03/2025 12:32

I should also have said that we suspect DD is autistic.

OP posts:
Tiswa · 15/03/2025 12:32

What is he opposed to - being a lesbian or facilitating a sexual relationship in under age children?

Isyesterdaytomorrowtoday · 15/03/2025 12:33

Surely you know who’s right here? Is this a reaction you’d have expected from him or is he shocked and likely be more reasonable once he’s had some time to digest? That would guide my next steps here.

early teens is a completely normal age for first boyfriend/girlfriend relationships and absolutely normal time for people to become more sure of their sexuality.

it’s brilliant that your daughter felt she could share this with you, please don’t let her Dad undermine that trust and openness- it’ll be critical as she gets older. Tread carefully, the repercussions of how this is handled could be really long lasting.

theferry · 15/03/2025 12:34

LoremIpsumCici · 15/03/2025 12:30

The DH is not opposed to his DD being lesbian. He is opposed to a 15yr old having sex. I’m with him in this. 16 is the age of consent in the U.K. for any kind of sexual activity. OP seems ok with sex in the relationship because she’s had a talk with DD. I’d be of a mind that a relationship is fine, but no sex until 16.

Edited

They’re not having sex at all. I know this as they only ever see each other at either one’s house.. I spoke to her about it and the age of consent.

OP posts:
PullTheBricksDown · 15/03/2025 12:35

Did he himself not have relationships till older than 15?

Point out the risk of pregnancy is zero compared to a relationship with a boy!

Joystir59 · 15/03/2025 12:35

SpringingIntoSummerLobelia · 15/03/2025 12:29

He's a fool if he thinks he can dictate your child's sexual preferences.

Sexual orientation isn't a preference. Speaking as a lesbian, being a lesbian feels an innate immutable part of who I am, that was always there even when I didn't understand it (I'm an older lesbian). Your husband will lose his daughter if he can't embrace this part of her.

Shoxfordian · 15/03/2025 12:35

Has he always been this homophobic? How did you not know this before you married him?

theferry · 15/03/2025 12:35

He says that he’s opposed to the age of her. I’m somewhat sure that there’s an element of homophobia going on, although he denies this.

OP posts:
theferry · 15/03/2025 12:37

Shoxfordian · 15/03/2025 12:35

Has he always been this homophobic? How did you not know this before you married him?

It’s not been an issue before. He said yesterday that if she gets married, he wont be at the wedding. This tells me he’s judging her.

OP posts:
BarneyRonson · 15/03/2025 12:38

Primitive Male. Much lolz.

LoremIpsumCici · 15/03/2025 12:38

theferry · 15/03/2025 12:34

They’re not having sex at all. I know this as they only ever see each other at either one’s house.. I spoke to her about it and the age of consent.

Thank you for expanding on this. Have you told your DD you don’t support underage sexual activity ? And told your DH this as well? His concern as you updated is regarding her age, perhaps he is worried about her being pressured into sex?

TheBunnyLover · 15/03/2025 12:38

theferry · 15/03/2025 12:37

It’s not been an issue before. He said yesterday that if she gets married, he wont be at the wedding. This tells me he’s judging her.

Are you happy to be married to a bigot?

SaturdaySausageSandwich · 15/03/2025 12:38

What is he actually opposed to?

My 11 year old told me that she liked girls, not boys. I told her that the most important thing she could do in life was be herself.

Her father, my EXH* *was an arse about it. I asked him to leave a few months on from that, it was that big of a deal for me.

DD is now 21, beautifully happy in her own skin and no contact with her father.

Sevenamcoffee · 15/03/2025 12:38

theferry · 15/03/2025 12:34

They’re not having sex at all. I know this as they only ever see each other at either one’s house.. I spoke to her about it and the age of consent.

Yeah not sure how people jumped from you having a conversation to ‘facilitating a sexual relationship’!

ToastedCheeseMarmiteSandwich · 15/03/2025 12:39

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

SerafinasGoose · 15/03/2025 12:39

My support for my child would come above my support for my husband's rigid views. I'm more than usually aware and sensitive to questions of consent but I was having sex before I was sixteen and so were many of my peers.

If he's threatening to leave you over your support for your child, I'd say that was his call and let him get on with it. I'm responsible for my own decisions, which in this eventuality would be not allowing myself to be emotionally blackmailed or manipulated in this way.

Let him be responsible for his.

LoremIpsumCici · 15/03/2025 12:39

theferry · 15/03/2025 12:37

It’s not been an issue before. He said yesterday that if she gets married, he wont be at the wedding. This tells me he’s judging her.

With this update, I’d agree the age is a mask for homophobia.

LoremIpsumCici · 15/03/2025 12:41

Sevenamcoffee · 15/03/2025 12:38

Yeah not sure how people jumped from you having a conversation to ‘facilitating a sexual relationship’!

Because it’s not clear in the OP whether the supporting and a convo about sex meant she’s had the talk and is ok with a 15yr old having sex or not. You’d be surprised at the number of parents who are fine with even 13yr olds having sex.

Jalapenosplease · 15/03/2025 12:41

We've come to a point in this current era where there's only one acceptable response to a child being gay and that's "accept it " and any concerns or fears or feelings harboured by a parent are now "wrong" and that's that.

Many parents do have thoughts (that now can't be voiced without attack) that differ from the accepted speak.

It doesn't mean they're homophobic or evil.

There is a current trend of teenaged girls (especially vulnerable ones with mental health difficulties) clinging on to the latest "rebellion" such as identifying as "lesbian" when they are in fact not gay. Some may say "so, does it matter?"

But I believe a parent , especially an older one that was bought up in a different society to today's, sometimes will have concerns such as "I'm worried my son may be at risk of HIV" "I'm worried my daughter will get picked on by men " "I'm worried I'll never be a grandad"

Of course, we know all this feelings can be explored and explained away, but not everyone was bought up in the current climate and don't readily have the knowledge that others do. Some people aren't good at wording those feelings and instead it comes out as anger or fear.

I think it's worth having a sit down conversation before writing your DH off as a "homophobe" (not that you suggested that ) he'll come round if your DD does end up being gay. He loves her after all.

Underage sex may also play into his concerns which is understandable.