Lesbian daughter —DH opposes it

[theferry]

My DD is 15 and has come out as lesbian. She is in a relationship with another 15 year old girl. I think it’s OK for this, having had a conversation with DD about sex. DH is threatening to leave over me supporting it. He thinks it’s a terrible thing. He’s saying she’s too young to be in a relationship. Who’s right?

Your primary duty in this scenario is to your 15yo daughter. Not to your husband. He’s selfish for putting you in this position. He’s entitled to whatever opinions he want to hold, but if he insists on trying to impose them on anyone else he’ll soon find himself on the outside. His opinions can keep him warm there.

This would be my (possibly over-charitable) thought - is he just struggling with his 'little girl' being grown up enough to express ANY kind of sexual preference? Because she was never going to stay little for long; did you never discuss what 'might' happen in the future when she was adult? And he never mentioned that it was a problem for him thinking of her as grown up?

Or he's just a rampant homophobe.

Being autistic has nothing to do with sexuality.

So here we go.
All of what he said up to then could have been understood as ‘she is too young/immature’ to have sex.
But not going to a lesbian wedding? That’s full on homophobia and shows the true reason for his ‘unease’.

Regardless of whether you stay with him or not (there is a case there to say that’s too far out from your own principles), you need to make that clear to your dd. Have the sex chat as you’ve had. But also remind her you’re supportive no matter who her ‘partner’ is.

Him… nid make it extremely clear these are not your views and you’ll support your dd regardless. There won’t be a ‘United front as parents’ on that subject.

A higher % of autistic girls are lesbian.

Not wishing his 15yo DD to be sexually active is one thing. Refusing to attend a same sex wedding is something entirely different. He’s a homophobic prick. If my DH had acted like that when DS came out I would have LTFB.

They aren’t ’in a relationship’ though are they? They are friends if there hasn’t been any sexual activity. 15 is too young to be engaging in sexual activity whether heterosexual or otherwise.

Bet he would have been surprisingly okay had she had a boyfriend at 15, though...

Wow

I think lots of 14-15 year olds form crushes on the same sex, but end up heterosexual

It's always been an issue. He just never displayed it to you before. He is now because he can no longer hide it.

Yes , this all seems a bit of a storm in a teacup.

I wouldn’t condone my daughter being in any sort of sexual relationship at 15!!

@Jalapenosplease your post is utter pandering nonsense!

Are you suggesting that the generation who are raising now-15yr olds have valid reasons for not accepting homosexuality as completely normal in our society?

My FIL uses the lazy argument of “oh in my day … just the way it was … hard to change at my age”….yet he has had no such problems in the last 40 years embracing change such as technological change (adept at mobile/ipad use), political change (keeps himself well informed on the goings on of the world, health (learnt pilates and changed his diet). The “in my day…its hard to change” theory appears not apply here.

But its apparently impossible to change ones views on subjects such as sexuality or racism. Its hard because its who they are - homophobic or racist!!

I knew that my daughter knew her own mind at 11, I never doubted it for a minute. She remembers that too, ten years on she's said things like 'you never doubted me mum did you?'. No I didn't and the fact that she felt that is priceless.

How did you get to this conclusion exactly @aliceinawonderland ??

Will be his loss. It's 2025 and if/when she gets married it will likely be 2030. As long as she is loved and treated right who cares about her being gay/straight.

What exactly does he think is so terrible about lesbianism?
With men like him knocking about I'm surprised it isn't more common!

Tell him it's none of his business who your daughter fancies and of course you're supporting her as she's done nothing wrong.

If he doesn't like it he's free to use the door. In fact I couldn't be with a homophobe. Ignorant wanker.

Maybe not.

But would you threaten to leave your husband/wife over it and say you wouldn't come to the wedding?

Not being happy at the relationship is different to holding your partner to ransom with emotional blackmail with your own relationship and saying you wouldn't possibly attend their theoretical, likely never to happen, wedding.

The problem isn't the daughter's actions and relationship. The problem is the husband actions and his relationship with the OP.

FFS I’ve never said she’s in a sexual relationship. I explained earlier that she’s not. They see each other at their respective houses every couple of weeks. It’s barely a relationship.

Obviously he’s homophobic since even when she’s an ADULT (as only adults can get married) he’s saying if it’s marriage to a woman he wouldn’t go.

I cant imagine being married to someone homophobic, just doesn’t align with my values.

I’m so pleased my daughter is now gay and in a very long term relationship with a woman, she had some hideous boyfriends as a teenager. Can’t wait till she gets married 🥰

I feel so sorry for your poor daughter and you. Has he always been this extreme?

What does he actually expect you to do? Has he got any actual proposals? If he's prepared to leave you if you don't back him up, then I'm guessing its something drastic. yet he expects YOU to be the policeman in this scenario.

Lock her in her room to stop her socialising?
Ban her from seeing her GF?

Send her off to one of those re -orientation camps?

How's that going to work?

He's terrified isn't he? He's worried about how this might reflect on him. That's more important than treating his DD as she grows up, with kindness and understanding and some kind of intelligence. He's Terrified other people might find out that his DD isn't "normal" and laugh at HIM. when its your daughter's life. He has NO IDEA how to parent, and doesn't seem to want to make the effort. He wants you to "fix it" and if you can't you're "fired"

What an ignorant pain the arse he is.

Are you sure your daughter is in a same sex relationship, to start with ? Could they just be close friends who see each other regularly?

Yes, it can be a bit of shock and possibly a personal disappointment when your child comes out. Maybe it was for me when the first one came out - but less so with the second and third.

It may be a phase, it may not be. It's all uncharted territory for a 15 year old - even if they've known about themselves for a while.

It's good, and right, that you've had talks about sex. Consent issues still apply.

We've experienced some shitty attitudes (second hand) from parents of gay children who are friends of ours. Indeed my DW's cousin is/has behaved appallingly towards and around the matter of his son coming out.

Some can't cope, some see a ruined life ahead, some take time, some think of themselves - be it their reputations amongst friends, no grandchildren, family name dying out etc.

Looking back..... one of my moments was taking my daughter back to Uni one Sunday afternoon. I didn't really want to drop her off in the middle of town by herself so took her to meet her friends in a park. A dozen gay girls sitting round chatting. I was introduced - this is my Dad. I stayed for a while and came home thinking - this is fine, she's happy, they're decent.

And it's been that way for the past 20 years. Married, divorced - like many straight couples. But happy no, settled and secure.

None of my 3 are married but I've got 3 great sons/daughter in common-law.

Maybe/hopefully your husband will come round, accept it, maybe even embrace it. But you need to stand firm and support her - if he can't then he and you need to decide what's next.

We can't live through our children - we launch them into the world, we love them, equip them with lifeskills, decency, honesty but they are what they are.

And don't listen to any crap about it being a life choice.

All the best.

That tells me he is jumping the gun! At 15 she is a long way off being married. She's still at school for goodness sake.

Your husband needs to chill out, young people go through all sorts of phases. Ten, fifteen years time she could be married and starting a family. I went to a boarding school for two years as a teenager and remember girls being in love with each other. None ever lasted.

I wonder how he would feel if your daughter was in love with a boy.

He's homophobic, sorry OP. If he's threatening to leave you over this then let him go, he's toxic anyway.

IMO there are cases where young(er) girls have crushes and feelings for other girls but it's not a permanent sexual preference.

It's well acknowledged for example that some young girls 'fall' for their female teachers. It's a stage of adolescence.

I'm not for a moment denying that some women and men are lesbian/ gay and it's immutable. So don't jump on me if that's you!

But at 15 it's possible to have a different orientation as you mature.