Page 3 | Lesbian daughter —DH opposes it

frozendaisy · 15/03/2025 13:01

Being a big huff puff bully male isn’t really going to change anyone’s mind about men!

D might be lesbian, or bi, or neither in the end only time will tell. Not accepting and loving who she is will do more damage than huff puff storming out.

CocoPlum · 15/03/2025 13:01

theferry · 15/03/2025 12:45

No, he hasn’t acted this way before. That’s why I’m struggling to understand where this anger has come from. He says he would feel the same way if she was dating a boy.

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So if she ever married a man he wouldn't be at the wedding either?

JHound · 15/03/2025 13:01

theferry · 15/03/2025 12:37

It’s not been an issue before. He said yesterday that if she gets married, he wont be at the wedding. This tells me he’s judging her.

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So his issue is homophobia.

I refuse to believe there were no signs of this.

pointythings · 15/03/2025 13:02

15 isn't particularly young for a teen to be in a sexual relationship or come out as gay. Two 15 year olds having sex (which in fact they aren't in this scenario) is really not an enormous deal. Getting all pearl clutchy about 'the age of consent' is ridiculous - what actually changes for two young people the day of their 16th birthday?

My DC both knew they were gay by age 13. They're 22 and 24 now. And still gay.

Zone2NorthLondon · 15/03/2025 13:02

SaturdaySausageSandwich · 15/03/2025 12:38

What is he actually opposed to?

My 11 year old told me that she liked girls, not boys. I told her that the most important thing she could do in life was be herself.

Her father, my EXH* *was an arse about it. I asked him to leave a few months on from that, it was that big of a deal for me.

DD is now 21, beautifully happy in her own skin and no contact with her father.

what an uplifting post! You’re a rock star. Great your daughter is happy & flourishing knowing her mum has her back

JHound · 15/03/2025 13:02

LoremIpsumCici · 15/03/2025 12:30

The DH is not opposed to his DD being lesbian. He is opposed to a 15yr old having sex. I’m with him in this. 16 is the age of consent in the U.K. for any kind of sexual activity. OP seems ok with sex in the relationship because she’s had a talk with DD. I’d be of a mind that a relationship is fine, but no sex until 16.

Edited

They are not having sex why would you assume that?

Lollypop701 · 15/03/2025 13:02

My immediate response is well I’ll be at her wedding whoever she marries and if you don’t like it then I don’t think it will be a problem as you probably won’t have a dd that you see by then. your choice - love and support your daughter or don’t and lose her.

dd may be gay, straight or bisexual… who she is attracted to is her business- the best you can hope for as a parent is that you like her partner. Even if you don’t you just have to make the best of it.

He may not have shown homophobia before because it didn’t impact him, it does now

Quinlan · 15/03/2025 13:03

So, if she had a boyfriend at her age right now, he would say, “If she ever gets married, I won’t go to the wedding because she had a boyfriend at 15.”

No, he wouldn’t say that. He is saying that because she is gay. He is a homophobic dickhead and I hope you’ll be divorcing him and fully supporting and protecting your daughter.

JHound · 15/03/2025 13:04

theferry · 15/03/2025 12:37

It’s not been an issue before. He said yesterday that if she gets married, he wont be at the wedding. This tells me he’s judging her.

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So he was always homophobic but just not in a way that would cause you an issue.

Asalmonswimmingupstream · 15/03/2025 13:04

theferry · 15/03/2025 12:37

It’s not been an issue before. He said yesterday that if she gets married, he wont be at the wedding. This tells me he’s judging her.

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This tells you he is very clearly and openly homophobic.
Please support your daughter above all else! She is the important one in this situation.

Zone2NorthLondon · 15/03/2025 13:04

theferry · 15/03/2025 12:28

My DD is 15 and has come out as lesbian. She is in a relationship with another 15 year old girl. I think it’s OK for this, having had a conversation with DD about sex. DH is threatening to leave over me supporting it. He thinks it’s a terrible thing. He’s saying she’s too young to be in a relationship. Who’s right?

Leave him, or let him go
Of the few things that may cause a parent to ostracise a child, being gay isn’t one of them
Prioritise your daughter. Let her know you’ve got her back

AgentJohnson · 15/03/2025 13:04

He has a lesbian problem not an age problem. She'll be 16 soon enough and he'll still have a problem. Except he won't be able to use the age excuse anymore. What does he propose to do when she hits 16? What's his strategy then?

This

You need to be very clear to him that you feel differently but him trying to bully you is not on. His response has shocked you and his intransigence has made you see him in an unflattering light. When it comes down to it, you will always have your daughter’s back and will always protect and fight for her right to be who she is.

LoremIpsumCici · 15/03/2025 13:05

JHound · 15/03/2025 13:02

They are not having sex why would you assume that?

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I didn’t assume they were having sex.

pointythings · 15/03/2025 13:05

LoremIpsumCici · 15/03/2025 13:05

I didn’t assume they were having sex.

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Then why come out with a massive apologist screed for pathetic homophobia?

JHound · 15/03/2025 13:05

Jalapenosplease · 15/03/2025 12:41

We've come to a point in this current era where there's only one acceptable response to a child being gay and that's "accept it " and any concerns or fears or feelings harboured by a parent are now "wrong" and that's that.

Many parents do have thoughts (that now can't be voiced without attack) that differ from the accepted speak.

It doesn't mean they're homophobic or evil.

There is a current trend of teenaged girls (especially vulnerable ones with mental health difficulties) clinging on to the latest "rebellion" such as identifying as "lesbian" when they are in fact not gay. Some may say "so, does it matter?"

But I believe a parent , especially an older one that was bought up in a different society to today's, sometimes will have concerns such as "I'm worried my son may be at risk of HIV" "I'm worried my daughter will get picked on by men " "I'm worried I'll never be a grandad"

Of course, we know all this feelings can be explored and explained away, but not everyone was bought up in the current climate and don't readily have the knowledge that others do. Some people aren't good at wording those feelings and instead it comes out as anger or fear.

I think it's worth having a sit down conversation before writing your DH off as a "homophobe" (not that you suggested that ) he'll come round if your DD does end up being gay. He loves her after all.

Underage sex may also play into his concerns which is understandable.

You could have just said “I’m homophobic”.

LoremIpsumCici · 15/03/2025 13:06

pointythings · 15/03/2025 13:05

Then why come out with a massive apologist screed for pathetic homophobia?

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I did no such thing.

TofuFighters · 15/03/2025 13:06

I would have reservations over a 15 year old autistic girl being in a relationship, so if that’s the issue, I understand. If it’s because she’s gay, then he needs to stfu. If he’s homophobic, I would find it difficult to stay in a relationship with him.

TheLovleyChebbyMcGee · 15/03/2025 13:07

theferry · 15/03/2025 12:45

No, he hasn’t acted this way before. That’s why I’m struggling to understand where this anger has come from. He says he would feel the same way if she was dating a boy.

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I suspect he doesn't think he is homophobic, but actually is. They way that a lot of people aren't homophobic, so they are fine with Betty at number 43 being gay, but when faced with a close relative coming out that suddenly becomes a thing.

I'd tell him to grow up and get over it. The fact he wouldn't attend a same sex wedding is very telling.

Quinlan · 15/03/2025 13:07

@Jalapenosplease
Everything you’ve said is homophobic. If you don’t have those concerns about a straight child, only a gay one, then you’re homophobic. So… get in the bin.

Jalapenosplease · 15/03/2025 13:07

JHound · 15/03/2025 13:05

You could have just said “I’m homophobic”.

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Wow. Welcome to 2025.

JHound · 15/03/2025 13:07

theferry · 15/03/2025 12:45

No, he hasn’t acted this way before. That’s why I’m struggling to understand where this anger has come from. He says he would feel the same way if she was dating a boy.

Show quote history

If your daughter was dating a boy and they went on to marry he equally would not attend that wedding?

Come on now.

CaptainMyCaptain · 15/03/2025 13:07

Jalapenosplease · 15/03/2025 12:41

We've come to a point in this current era where there's only one acceptable response to a child being gay and that's "accept it " and any concerns or fears or feelings harboured by a parent are now "wrong" and that's that.

Many parents do have thoughts (that now can't be voiced without attack) that differ from the accepted speak.

It doesn't mean they're homophobic or evil.

There is a current trend of teenaged girls (especially vulnerable ones with mental health difficulties) clinging on to the latest "rebellion" such as identifying as "lesbian" when they are in fact not gay. Some may say "so, does it matter?"

But I believe a parent , especially an older one that was bought up in a different society to today's, sometimes will have concerns such as "I'm worried my son may be at risk of HIV" "I'm worried my daughter will get picked on by men " "I'm worried I'll never be a grandad"

Of course, we know all this feelings can be explored and explained away, but not everyone was bought up in the current climate and don't readily have the knowledge that others do. Some people aren't good at wording those feelings and instead it comes out as anger or fear.

I think it's worth having a sit down conversation before writing your DH off as a "homophobe" (not that you suggested that ) he'll come round if your DD does end up being gay. He loves her after all.

Underage sex may also play into his concerns which is understandable.

I completely disagree with all of that. You say But I believe a parent , especially an older one that was bought up in a different society to today's, sometimes will have concerns such as "I'm worried my son may be at risk of HIV" "I'm worried my daughter will get picked on by men " "I'm worried I'll never be a grandad" as a 70 year old I presume I'm older than the parents you are talking g about here.

LoremIpsumCici · 15/03/2025 13:08

Is it too much to ask late comers to the thread read all of it before hurling accusations of homophobic apologism?

Zone2NorthLondon · 15/03/2025 13:08

Got to say huge love for gay community. Shaped me,Supported me. Unconditionally there. Had my back
In particular The gay women who were there for me in friendship,and at times I needed someone to have my back. I have tried to reciprocate

pointythings · 15/03/2025 13:09

LoremIpsumCici · 15/03/2025 13:08

Is it too much to ask late comers to the thread read all of it before hurling accusations of homophobic apologism?

Actually I apologise to you wholeheartedly - it was @Jalapenosplease I was talking about in terms of apologist screeds.