Lesbian daughter —DH opposes it

[theferry]

My DD is 15 and has come out as lesbian. She is in a relationship with another 15 year old girl. I think it’s OK for this, having had a conversation with DD about sex. DH is threatening to leave over me supporting it. He thinks it’s a terrible thing. He’s saying she’s too young to be in a relationship. Who’s right?

I mean there is no ifs or buts about this. It’s because he’s homophobic.

Do not let your daughter hear this. It’s your job to protect her. Speaking as someone who grew up in a homophobic household and therefore hid who I was for 20 years, it is very very damaging.

I really feel for you and your daughter, OP. What does your husband expect to happen - that your daughter will suddenly turn heterosexual because he disapproves? She is at an age where it is normal to experiment so who knows if she will be gay, heterosexual or bisexual in the long run. But one thing is for sure - he is just going to drive a wedge between him and your daughter if he carries on like this. Can you get some family counselling? He sounds like he is living in the 1950s.

anothernameanotherplanet · Today 13:46
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Yes, it can be a bit of shock and possibly a personal disappointment when your child comes out.

Why? We love our children unconditionally, for who they are. Isn’t it just your fervent wish that they find happiness with a good person who loves them, of whatever sex? It is ours.

That's what I was saying too.

I've had a lot of exposure to teenage girls and their sexual orientation can change.

I was in love with a girl when I was a teenager and came out but turned out it was just a phase. Forty odd year phase and counting that is.

That's all well and good but most people I know whose son or daughter is gay felt some disappointment because it's not what they expected if they envisaged bein a grandparent etc in the traditional sense of man/ woman and not use intervention to conceive, being a same sex couple.

It's not realistic to deny that parents can have those emotions.

In think some non-accepting parents worry about their own reputations..... what did you do to produce a gay child, you can't be a proper man if you have a gay child, you were too soft on them, they had too many teddies etc .

I'm sure there are those who have pointed the finger at us, one acquaintance skirts round the issue. That's fine, I'm really not bothered.

It's more important to support your children - and if you loose friends by doing that they how shallow they are.

I'm happier to be a goto parent for other parents of gay children than appear a manly man.

This thread sadly shows how far we've really come. Not very.

Most people you know with gay children were disappointed? So you know a lot of backward people who have gay children? Sounds like you need a better circle.

What if you told him you were sad to discover that you've had children with someone who can only love their children conditionally?

He denies that he is homophobic but if his daughter marries a woman, he'll refuse to attend her wedding?

That is such a clear example of homophobia that he should be utterly ashamed of himself. Thinking that she is too young to be in a relationship would be reasonable if he felt the same if she was in a relationship with a boy. However, I doubt that that is the case.

He said yesterday that if she gets married, he wont be at the wedding. This tells me he’s judging her.

Why is he going immediately to them getting married? They're 15, ffs.

No, he hasn’t acted this way before. That’s why I’m struggling to understand where this anger has come from. He says he would feel the same way if she was dating a boy. @theferry

Have you asked him if he'd not be at the wedding if it was a male?
Don't worry, he'll say a load of words to try and mask his true homophobic feelings.

And threatening to leave you over this is ridiculous. He's trying to manipulate you to do his bidding and try and control your DD.

He’s being a dick about it. Is he normally like this? He might need a bit of time to get his head round it.

If she’s a lesbian then she’s a lesbian, he can’t bully or shame her into being straight, all he is doing is damaging her mental health and his relationship with her. My mum was awful when I came out, it took her years to stop showing disgust when I mentioned a girlfriend, unfortunately it’s something I can’t fully forget even though she has apologised now. It has permanently damaged our relationship.

Most people you know .....right.

Well, I for one wasn't remotely disappointed, I was proud that my child had the confidence to be who she is. Pleased that she told me at such a young age and so glad that I have been able to love and support her and help to fill her with confidence every single day since. Exactly the same as for my other child, who happens to be straight.

I don't 'envisage being a grandparent'. My vision is that I am a mum to two happy lovely young people, one of whom happens to be a lesbian.

Well, they should keep those feelings to themselves and not make threats just as they should if they child chooses not to marry at all or marry a person if the opposite sex but not have children. The parents' 'disappointment ' won't make the child change who they are

Bye bye Husband. He's also well on his way to losing his relationship with DD if he continues down this path.

My friends husband coped when their first child came out as gay, he went nuclear when their second child did. Was a mix of grief and guilt in there I suspect.

There's nothing to be done when this happens, just love your children.

He's willing g to give up on her and his relationship with you because if how deeply he needs those around him to think and act how he wants. Whatever spin on this, that isn't a mutually supportive relationship nor the role of a true parent. He's a dick.

Oh off he fucks then.

Tedious little homophobe.

This.

How awful for your DD. She's definitely old enough for the type of relationship you describe which sounds quite sweet and innocent.

How old was your DH when he first had a girlfriend?

He is clearly homophobic. I love all the posters trying to excuse this by saying he just doesn't want his daughter to have underage sex even though OP has said repeatedly she isn't having sex. It's perfectly normal for teenagers to have boyfriends/girlfriends and I very much doubt the DH would be bothered if she had a boyfriend. I would give him a couple of months to get over it but if he doesn't I would be reconsidering the marriage.

Tell your DH he needs to get a bloody grip and have a bit of a big think before he comes out with any more nonsense which has the potential to destroy the relationship he has with you all.

She's 15 and probably figuring out a lot of "stuff" She may be gay, she may be "going though a phase", she may be straight.

What ever sexual orientation she is, is her business and hers alone. Making statements like "well I won't attend the wedding" is just ridiculous and ignorant.

@theferry - you are the one in the right, to be loving and supportive of your daughter. I'm sorry your OH is making you suffer for what you know are the right decisions you're making about her.

Edited to add - I agree with what @Sortalike says - they've put it better than I could.

Best wishes for your and her future. I fear your OH will double-down on the nonsense as things go on. But I hope that you and your DD have much happiness and joy in your lives to come.

I haven't called you homophobic. I have pointed out some of the problems implied by your post. Leaving aside entirely the sexuality of the girl, perhaps the greatest of these is the idea that manipulative behaviour and emotional blackmail should be humoured in any way or used as a starting point for any form of negotation.

It's unacceptable behaviour and it falls strictly into the category of 'not bloody on'. The only reasonable response to such conduct is to take DH entirely at his word and let him be responsible for the outcome. If he follows through on his threat, that is entirely down to him.

It's not a good receipe for any marriage to make yourself malleable in the face of manipulation of this kind. And any advice to the contrary is never in the OP's best interests.