Lesbian daughter —DH opposes it

[theferry]

My DD is 15 and has come out as lesbian. She is in a relationship with another 15 year old girl. I think it’s OK for this, having had a conversation with DD about sex. DH is threatening to leave over me supporting it. He thinks it’s a terrible thing. He’s saying she’s too young to be in a relationship. Who’s right?

Damned right I’m invested in it. This is her life and her happiness. It may turn out to be a phase, but I’m not going to minimise how she feels about herself at the moment. She’s the kind of kid who knows her own mind.

I think that if your child comes to you and says 'Mum, I'm gay', that warrants taking seriously. Being dismissive and saying 'Oh, that's nice, dear' or something similar is not going to maintain the relationship of trust a young person should have with their parents. OP's DD felt it was important enough to speak to her mother about. OP rightly took it seriously and listened.

My daughter was the same. Absolutely adamant at 15 that she was gay. Had a lovely girlfriend. I had no idea what they got up to. I wasn’t interested. What did it matter. It’s not like she was going to get pregnant. Aged 17 she decided girls weren’t for her and went back to dating boys. Is now married with a baby. Point is, we just let her get on with it. Told her what ever made her happy was fine with us. You are way too over involved in her life and sex life. Just let her figure things out for herself.

I’m not saying minimise it. I’m saying it doesn’t need to be a whole hullabaloo with your husband stropping about weddings and people on this thread saying you should get a divorce.

How old are your kids out of curiosity? If you think telling a bunch of hormonal 15 year olds not to have sex is going to work, then you are wrong

Your husband appears to be homophobic. If he threatens to leave, you have to let him. You cannot let your daughter see you chose a homophobic husband over her and her basic rights.

Secondly, I would add that 15 year olds whether autistic or not are sexual begins, the fact she calls her a girlfriend suggests a level of intimacy whether she is emotionally ready or mature enough for sex. This is likely a romantic relationship and not support. You've done the right thing by talking to her about sex etc. but I wouldn't assume she isn't sexually attracted to her and is a 'support' girlfriend. For what it's worth lots of straight couple have a supportive element to the relationship (probably most?) so I would maybe take what she's saying for face value. She is sexually attracted to other women (i.e. a lesbian) and there is an intimate/romantic element to their relationship if she is using the meaning of girlfriend conventionally. There is an undercurrent of homophobia on some of what you wrote where you appear to deny the validity of their relationship. I don't believe you are saying this maliciously and perhaps I have misunderstood what you've been saying, but it is important to your daughter that you take her seriously and believe what she discloses to you at face value.

Don't we as parents just tell them they're too young and to wait? Certainly not encourage it!

I think a lot of girls might be starting to feel attracted to other people at 15, but just enjoy that phase. No need to jump into bed straightaway!

The OP doesn't say that.

Not in my opinion. You walk your kids through consent and STI’s etc etc and you keep an open line of communication in case something goes wrong. What do you think telling them not to will do? It certainly won’t stop them so all it will do is make you the last person they will go to for any kind of help/person to talk to/shoulder to cry on.

You can tell them they're too young and to wait and I would also do that. And then I would understand that teenagers don't always listen to good advice and make sure that they behave in a safe and sensible manner if they do choose to have sex. Parents need to live in the real world.

That is incorrect. There have been studies that do indeed link being autistic with being less likely to be heterosexual, and the OP's comment that her daughter might be autistic is relevent.

OP, there is no saying who your daughter will eventually marry and have a family with, if anyone, particularly if she is autistic - a lot could change when she goes to uni and widens her world, so you just have to let it roll so far as she is concerned, but have some very serious conversations with your husband in the meantime, who is being an absolute arse. Your poor child. If he is honestly threatening to leave you over this (what are you supposed to do? instruct your daughter to force herself to kiss a boy or daddy will leave??) there's not a lot you can do. He's mad.

https://www.cam.ac.uk/research/news/autistic-individuals-are-more-likely-to-be-lgbtq

You're not wrong that it doesn't need to be a whole hullabaloo. But the point is, their DD came out to her parents and this was OPs DHs reaction. Doesn't matter what it needs to be, this is what happened. OP is rightly worried about her husband's reaction.

It's not the current era, accepting it has always been the only right response.

why are people still having conversations about 'accepting' their child is lgb?

Do you 'accept' your child is hetero? No.. so there is no discussion or need to 'accept' they're anything else.

jfc.

I think if the husband is pulling the "I wont attend the wedding" one, but maintains that this is not about same sex relationships - there is a glaring contradiction, as i would assume he would attend a heterosexual one if his daughter married a man years down the line. That is the most telling of the comments.

I think its fine for parents to worry about their gay kids - because life isnt as easy for them, but theres a big difference between concern and wanting what you perceive to be "the best" for your child, and just not wanting them to be gay due to homophobia.

Also, (i've said this before) that it makes sense for a higher number of people with autism to be same or bi-sex attracted. Less swayed by social conventions so comp het etc never figures.

I would say your daughter is too young to be in a relationship that's whether it's a male or female. It should not be encouraged. Plenty of years ahead to have a relationship but 15 is young and still immature.

Seriously? She's 15, not 5.

Quite. The OP's description of the relationship is entirely appropriate for her age. Not all relationships are the same.

I had my first boyfriend at 15. It was the most exciting and innocent thing in the world.

Relationships don't automatically mean sex. It's just that a decent parent will make sure that their child is fully informed so they can make the right decision for them when that time comes. And 15 is a great time for that because the hormones are insane, the peer pressure is high, they hear and see more about it, regardless of what we as parents may feel about it.