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Original poster

Lesbian daughter —DH opposes it

269 replies

theferry · 15/03/2025 12:28

My DD is 15 and has come out as lesbian. She is in a relationship with another 15 year old girl. I think it’s OK for this, having had a conversation with DD about sex. DH is threatening to leave over me supporting it. He thinks it’s a terrible thing. He’s saying she’s too young to be in a relationship. Who’s right?

OP posts:
ItGhoul · 15/03/2025 12:43

He clearly doesn’t give a shit about the age thing. He’s just a homophobic cunt.

I find it hard to believe you’ve never noticed he’s a homophobic cunt until now, though. Surely basic values have cropped up in conversation in the decades you’ve been together?

SaturdaySausageSandwich · 15/03/2025 12:44

Err, the world has moved on @Jalapenosplease . Thank bloody god it has.

Fears, concerns? What are you on?

Original poster
theferry · 15/03/2025 12:45

ItGhoul · 15/03/2025 12:43

He clearly doesn’t give a shit about the age thing. He’s just a homophobic cunt.

I find it hard to believe you’ve never noticed he’s a homophobic cunt until now, though. Surely basic values have cropped up in conversation in the decades you’ve been together?

No, he hasn’t acted this way before. That’s why I’m struggling to understand where this anger has come from. He says he would feel the same way if she was dating a boy.

OP posts:
MissScarletInTheBallroom · 15/03/2025 12:46

Your husband is an arsehole.

I'd tell him to look on the bright side, at least a 15 year old girlfriend can't get your DD pregnant, and then say that you expect him to be supportive of his DD regardless of her sexual preferences, and if he can't do that you will choose her over him.

Tiswa · 15/03/2025 12:46

Then he needs to start facing the fact and fast that she is very close now to becoming an adult - over whom he has no control or agency otherwise he will lose his relationship

RedToothBrush · 15/03/2025 12:47

theferry · 15/03/2025 12:37

It’s not been an issue before. He said yesterday that if she gets married, he wont be at the wedding. This tells me he’s judging her.

Show quote history

He has a lesbian problem not an age problem.

She'll be 16 soon enough and he'll still have a problem. Except he won't be able to use the age excuse anymore.

What does he propose to do when she hits 16? What's his strategy then?

WaffleParty · 15/03/2025 12:47

Let him leave. He’s an arse.

Diningtableornot · 15/03/2025 12:48

Sorry DH but lots of 15 year olds have sex nowadays. Maybe DD isn't yet, but if she is, there isn't much her dad can do by 'opposing' it. True she's underage, but this is another 15 year old, not a predatory older male.
Nor can he do anything at all about her sexual identity or preferences except upset her and possibly make her secretive. She's young and things may change for her, but at the moment she's interested in this girl.

Diningtableornot · 15/03/2025 12:49

theferry · 15/03/2025 12:45

No, he hasn’t acted this way before. That’s why I’m struggling to understand where this anger has come from. He says he would feel the same way if she was dating a boy.

Show quote history

It's his problem then, OP. You could suggest he finds some counselling.

WaffleParty · 15/03/2025 12:49

@Jalapenosplease what on earth are you on about?

Catlad · 15/03/2025 12:50

theferry · 15/03/2025 12:28

My DD is 15 and has come out as lesbian. She is in a relationship with another 15 year old girl. I think it’s OK for this, having had a conversation with DD about sex. DH is threatening to leave over me supporting it. He thinks it’s a terrible thing. He’s saying she’s too young to be in a relationship. Who’s right?

Bye bye DH! Don’t let the door slam you on your stupid arse on your way out. What a twat.

Your daughter is far safer with another girl than a boyfriend (statistically speaking!) and likely to have much happier, more equal life if she married a girl. Your husband supporting or opposing won’t change her sexuality; it will just permanently rupture the relationship he has with his child if he thinks he has any say in this.

Of course you should support her and tbh him threatening to leave you for it suggests to me that you’d be well clear of him; so let him go. I’m sorry you married such a horror show of a man; wonder if that put your daughter off men (only joking a bit)

SerafinasGoose · 15/03/2025 12:50

Jalapenosplease · 15/03/2025 12:41

We've come to a point in this current era where there's only one acceptable response to a child being gay and that's "accept it " and any concerns or fears or feelings harboured by a parent are now "wrong" and that's that.

Many parents do have thoughts (that now can't be voiced without attack) that differ from the accepted speak.

It doesn't mean they're homophobic or evil.

There is a current trend of teenaged girls (especially vulnerable ones with mental health difficulties) clinging on to the latest "rebellion" such as identifying as "lesbian" when they are in fact not gay. Some may say "so, does it matter?"

But I believe a parent , especially an older one that was bought up in a different society to today's, sometimes will have concerns such as "I'm worried my son may be at risk of HIV" "I'm worried my daughter will get picked on by men " "I'm worried I'll never be a grandad"

Of course, we know all this feelings can be explored and explained away, but not everyone was bought up in the current climate and don't readily have the knowledge that others do. Some people aren't good at wording those feelings and instead it comes out as anger or fear.

I think it's worth having a sit down conversation before writing your DH off as a "homophobe" (not that you suggested that ) he'll come round if your DD does end up being gay. He loves her after all.

Underage sex may also play into his concerns which is understandable.

Your post omits the immediate problem: that he is the one threatening to leave if OP doesn't respond in the way he wants her to.

That's emotional blackmail, it's not on, and it should not be entertained.

As for DD, if she's not a lesbian but acting out in some form of rebellion, then this too shall pass and parental intervention is unnecessary. Or, of course, she may by bisexual. Whatever this means, that's her business alone.

STIs are a concerning situation for people of every sexuality, and every parent needs a discussion with their children about this.

As for becoming a grandparent, no one's children 'owe' us this.

If DH decides to leave because he dislikes OP's support for their own child, then this needs to be his decision. It should in no way be humoured.

SwerveCity · 15/03/2025 12:51

He sounds like a dick. Help him pack.

Jalapenosplease · 15/03/2025 12:54

WaffleParty · 15/03/2025 12:49

@Jalapenosplease what on earth are you on about?

My post is worded quite clearly.

Look at the thoughts from the alternative narrative "cunt" "homophobe" "arse" "what are you on?" (Directed at me )

That's insane. I've literally offered another viewpoint. Quite a neutral one at that. That isn't synonymous with saying "your DH is a homophobe and you should be too. Your DD is akin to the devil and should burn in the pit of hell for being a lesbian"

Honestly, the echo chamber of hatred on here sometimes is astounding.

MyDeepPlayer · 15/03/2025 12:56

theferry · 15/03/2025 12:45

No, he hasn’t acted this way before. That’s why I’m struggling to understand where this anger has come from. He says he would feel the same way if she was dating a boy.

Show quote history

Oh come on, now you are being inconsistent. You said in an earlier post that if she got married then he would not attend. That clearly only applies to a same sex marriage. He is clearly homophobic and you need to call him out and support your child.

Whatsitreallylike · 15/03/2025 12:56

Hi anger is coming from his homophobia unfortunately. He’s currently giving you an ultimatum but I think it’s time you gave him one… “stop being a homophobic arsehole or lose your family”!

alwaysdeleteyourcookies · 15/03/2025 12:57

theferry · 15/03/2025 12:37

It’s not been an issue before. He said yesterday that if she gets married, he wont be at the wedding. This tells me he’s judging her.

Show quote history

The twat should realise how much his bigoted views are going to cost him.

RedToothBrush · 15/03/2025 12:57

Here's the thing. If he's really against it because of her age, how does it help his position and stop her seeing this girl?

It's an empty threat. It only works if you cave in and do what he says. That's why he's doing it. He knows he only has power by forcing you through blackmail.

If you don't play ball he has no power over you or your daughter. This actually then potentially becomes a dangerous situation. But it also highlights why you shouldn't entertain it either, because hes being abusive.

I would actually tell him, as much. And say you don't fancy being with a homophobic, abusive bully.

cariadlet · 15/03/2025 12:58

@Jalapenosplease There most definitely isn't a trend for girls to identify as lesbians.

Social contagion and other factors have led to high numbers of vulnerable girls identifying as trans (see Time to Think which looked into what happened at the Tavistock) but that's something totally different.

Op, if your dh was concerned about your dd having underage sex, that would have been understandable but the update about not going to her wedding shows his homophobia.

Personally, I was pleased when my dd told me she was a lesbian. She's less likely to be physically abused than she would have been if she was with a man (yes, I know, NAMALT) and won't be subjected to violent or degrading acts by a lad who has had his ideas of what a good sex life is like distorted by porn.

Phonicshaskilledmeoff · 15/03/2025 12:59

theferry · 15/03/2025 12:35

He says that he’s opposed to the age of her. I’m somewhat sure that there’s an element of homophobia going on, although he denies this.

opposing the age won’t stop her doing anything, just stop her telling you both. He’s foolish for thinking any different

godmum56 · 15/03/2025 12:59

Jalapenosplease · 15/03/2025 12:41

We've come to a point in this current era where there's only one acceptable response to a child being gay and that's "accept it " and any concerns or fears or feelings harboured by a parent are now "wrong" and that's that.

Many parents do have thoughts (that now can't be voiced without attack) that differ from the accepted speak.

It doesn't mean they're homophobic or evil.

There is a current trend of teenaged girls (especially vulnerable ones with mental health difficulties) clinging on to the latest "rebellion" such as identifying as "lesbian" when they are in fact not gay. Some may say "so, does it matter?"

But I believe a parent , especially an older one that was bought up in a different society to today's, sometimes will have concerns such as "I'm worried my son may be at risk of HIV" "I'm worried my daughter will get picked on by men " "I'm worried I'll never be a grandad"

Of course, we know all this feelings can be explored and explained away, but not everyone was bought up in the current climate and don't readily have the knowledge that others do. Some people aren't good at wording those feelings and instead it comes out as anger or fear.

I think it's worth having a sit down conversation before writing your DH off as a "homophobe" (not that you suggested that ) he'll come round if your DD does end up being gay. He loves her after all.

Underage sex may also play into his concerns which is understandable.

oh come along.....I am in my 70's there were gay teenagers when I was a teenager. I agree there were still parents who got their knickers in a twist about it and older people who thought it was a mortal sin and yes the law has changed since then, but there has never been any viable response except to accept it if you want to stay in contact with your child. I am straight by the way. Parents will have the same concerns about their children's health and safety as they would if their child was straight and NO ONE but NO ONE owes their parents grandchildren.

LastHeraldMage · 15/03/2025 12:59

theferry · 15/03/2025 12:32

I should also have said that we suspect DD is autistic.

And? Relevance to her sexuality?

Hope you said something like "don't let the door hit you on the way out " to your H

Hoppinggreen · 15/03/2025 12:59

He can not approve, its his right BUT he should keep his mouth shut and not act like a Dick about it.

LastHeraldMage · 15/03/2025 13:00

LoremIpsumCici · 15/03/2025 12:30

The DH is not opposed to his DD being lesbian. He is opposed to a 15yr old having sex. I’m with him in this. 16 is the age of consent in the U.K. for any kind of sexual activity. OP seems ok with sex in the relationship because she’s had a talk with DD. I’d be of a mind that a relationship is fine, but no sex until 16.

Edited

And you know this how?

For all we know based on the op is that H is anti lesbian, and wants the op to side with him on that view.

Ph3 · 15/03/2025 13:00

@theferry - if he wants to leave there is nothing you can do. And frankly I think it’s more because she is a lesbian than the fact that she is in a relationship - otherwise why would he say if she gets married he won’t be there? I personally wouldn’t fight for him to stay. I can’t fathom only being there for my children if they meat my preconceived ideas of what THEIR lives should look like. I will always be there for them - if my husband had the view “I’m there for them but only if I agree” approach to parenthood he wouldn’t be my partner for much longer