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Original poster

How can I tell ds he can't come on holiday.

354 replies

Youagain2025 · 14/03/2025 09:12

I'm not 100% it will happen. But im trying to sort out a holiday for me my 3 youngest and adult ds. I want adult ds to come so that I have some company.

The reason I don't want my other ds to come is he's hard work he really drains me and in all honesty I Need a break . This would be my first holiday since I was around 15 years old. Also ds has been on holiday with his sister. He's going again in may . Then again next year .

He's coming up 18 . He is able to pay for himself. But that's not what it's about . Obviously I can't tell him that he's hard work etc.

OP posts:
HomeBodyClub · 14/03/2025 09:13

You can’t leave out only one child.

Original poster
Youagain2025 · 14/03/2025 09:13

HomeBodyClub · 14/03/2025 09:13

You can’t leave out only one child.

His sister is not going either

OP posts:
ToffeeForEveryone · 14/03/2025 09:14

This cannot be serious.

Your relationship might never recover from excluding him like that.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 14/03/2025 09:14

Youagain2025 · 14/03/2025 09:13

His sister is not going either

Show quote history

Is she invited?

HomeBodyClub · 14/03/2025 09:16

I’ve watched family members be excluded and now they are virtually no contact with the person that excluded them.
I wouldn’t expect a 17 year old to pay for their own holiday either but that’s another point.

NotTheDebtDoctorWithTheHungryScalpel · 14/03/2025 09:16

You can't invite 4 of your dc and leave your 17yo out because he's draining without destroying your relationship entirely.

Is your dd invited and chose not to go?

Original poster
Youagain2025 · 14/03/2025 09:16

HomeBodyClub · 14/03/2025 09:16

I’ve watched family members be excluded and now they are virtually no contact with the person that excluded them.
I wouldn’t expect a 17 year old to pay for their own holiday either but that’s another point.

You don't know his income or mine

OP posts:
DenholmElliot11 · 14/03/2025 09:17

Your dd thats not coming, was she invited?

Geneticsbunny · 14/03/2025 09:18

Unless you are his carer and need a break then , as others have said, you can't go on holiday and not invite one child.

howshouldibehave · 14/03/2025 09:19

How many children do you have and what ages are they? Do they all live at home with you?

WhatDidIComeInThisRoomFor · 14/03/2025 09:19

How old are your younger kids that you want to take away? If you can position it as kiddy holiday with adult DS as helper would that help? Also your DS has a holiday planned for himself already. The other kids don’t.

IsaacNeutron · 14/03/2025 09:22

Either go alone or offer it to all your children.

Speaking as one with a very difficult child!

Leaving one out is cruel.

MinistryofThyme · 14/03/2025 09:24

I mean if you want to put the final nail in the coffin of your relationship, crack on.

Original poster
Youagain2025 · 14/03/2025 09:26

Geneticsbunny · 14/03/2025 09:18

Unless you are his carer and need a break then , as others have said, you can't go on holiday and not invite one child.

I am his carer. Its been hard and I mean really hard . He's much better than he was. I have another child with special needs as well. And honestly Need a break.

People seem to be missing the part that he's been abroad already . Plus will be going again in may plus again next year that's 3 times .

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 14/03/2025 09:27

Well is he bothered about going or is he not interested either way,?
If he wants to go, yabu(unless he does dangerous things that put you and the others at risk)

Since he works and goes away with his sister, you dont need to supervise him or anything.

purpleme12 · 14/03/2025 09:28

Erm well I have no suggestions on how to tell him

I presume you're aware of the potential fallout and you're ok with that then?

Notimeforaname · 14/03/2025 09:29

Oh he doesn't work..when you said income, I assumed he worked.

MinistryofThyme · 14/03/2025 09:29

It doesn’t matter if he’s been abroad 50 times. You are excluding him from a family holiday because you find him difficult. That will ruin your relationship, or at the very least set it back significantly. Up to you if you want to do that in order to have an easier break.

Original poster
Youagain2025 · 14/03/2025 09:31

WhatDidIComeInThisRoomFor · 14/03/2025 09:19

How old are your younger kids that you want to take away? If you can position it as kiddy holiday with adult DS as helper would that help? Also your DS has a holiday planned for himself already. The other kids don’t.

Younger ones are 8,9,14. Yes adult ds is coming for company and to help out . But ds won't see it like that.

If I can't get round it then we won't go. Which is nit fair on the other kids they have never been . But by the same token i can't manage older ds he's to much

OP posts:
Cadenza12 · 14/03/2025 09:33

If you are his carer then presumably he will need respite? Tell him that you're having a break and so is is. Your life sounds difficult, a break will be good for everyone.

Apillthatmakesyousayalltherightstuff · 14/03/2025 09:33

I'd tell him 'I'm thinking about me and your brother taking the little ones away soon. You'd be alright staying with your sister/by yourself, wouldn't you?' If he asks why he's not invited say 'I think we could do with a break from each other, don't you? It's been a long time since we've got on well'.

Edited to say I meant sister not brother but you get the idea.

MummytoE · 14/03/2025 09:34

Go and enjoy yourself. Sounds like you and your younger dc need a holiday. Xx

Crocmush · 14/03/2025 09:39

Is someone else going on these holidays as his carer? Are you expecting him to be home alone if you go without him on the one you're planning?
I can't get my head around the younger kids having never had a holiday. No caravan at the sea for a weekend even.

Original poster
Youagain2025 · 14/03/2025 09:40

Apillthatmakesyousayalltherightstuff · 14/03/2025 09:33

I'd tell him 'I'm thinking about me and your brother taking the little ones away soon. You'd be alright staying with your sister/by yourself, wouldn't you?' If he asks why he's not invited say 'I think we could do with a break from each other, don't you? It's been a long time since we've got on well'.

Edited to say I meant sister not brother but you get the idea.

Edited

I can't tell him that . I wanted to keep it sort of practical . Like pointing out he's already been away /is going away the others haven't been away.. but that still leads to why can't he come... i don't know it's hard.

OP posts:
Simplynotsimple · 14/03/2025 09:41

I assume by him paying, you mean from his PIP allowance? I do appreciate how hard it is caring for children with high needs, and from the outside it sounds awful to say ‘I wouldn’t take my child to x, y, z place because it would make it an unenjoyable experience for everyone’ but that’s the harsh truth at times.

However, I still don’t agree with leaving just him out because he has higher needs, that’s a really hurtful thing to do as you’re singling him out. I also think it’s unfair to bring your eldest with you as an additional carer - it doesn’t sound like much of a holiday for a young person! I’d go somewhere alone or with a friend for a few days if possible. Are the kids dad involved or other family members who could provide childcare whilst you get a break?