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Original poster

How can I tell ds he can't come on holiday.

354 replies

Youagain2025 · 14/03/2025 09:12

I'm not 100% it will happen. But im trying to sort out a holiday for me my 3 youngest and adult ds. I want adult ds to come so that I have some company.

The reason I don't want my other ds to come is he's hard work he really drains me and in all honesty I Need a break . This would be my first holiday since I was around 15 years old. Also ds has been on holiday with his sister. He's going again in may . Then again next year .

He's coming up 18 . He is able to pay for himself. But that's not what it's about . Obviously I can't tell him that he's hard work etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Youagain2025 · 14/03/2025 09:42

MummytoE · 14/03/2025 09:34

Go and enjoy yourself. Sounds like you and your younger dc need a holiday. Xx

To be honest it is needed teen dd has beeb really effect by stuff that went on and is in counselling etc . As I said its much better thsn it was . But vuts really clang onto her mentally. So that break would really help her

OP posts:
NotTheDebtDoctorWithTheHungryScalpel · 14/03/2025 09:43

Could you book it for when he is away in May then?

Redflagsabounded · 14/03/2025 09:44

Ouch. Hard situation and I feel for you. I have a neuro diverse son I love dearly but I 100% understand the 'hard work' comment. He's lovely but exhausting.

I don't know quite how you can broach this though without hurting your relationship. Unless you make it a real 'kiddie' holiday he'd hate and hope he'll choose not to come? Maybe raise it as a hypothetical - if we were to go on a beach holiday in Benidorm (whatever) at an all inclusive, staying in the resort, kids clubs etc etc, would you be interested in coming?

Redflagsabounded · 14/03/2025 09:45

I'm remembering a teenage holiday that was a week sitting on a beach making sandcastles with young children...I did not enjoy it at all.

Simplynotsimple · 14/03/2025 09:46

Crocmush · 14/03/2025 09:39

Is someone else going on these holidays as his carer? Are you expecting him to be home alone if you go without him on the one you're planning?
I can't get my head around the younger kids having never had a holiday. No caravan at the sea for a weekend even.

Edited

Really? You can’t think of any circumstances (especially when children have additional needs) where kids haven’t had a holiday? Mine haven’t had one in two years, we can’t go abroad, UK staycations are insanely expensive, a caravan or hotel is out of the question due to their needs, and it’s a two adult job meaning having to spend the week with my ex. They get plenty of day trips to make up for it.

Original poster
Youagain2025 · 14/03/2025 09:46

Crocmush · 14/03/2025 09:39

Is someone else going on these holidays as his carer? Are you expecting him to be home alone if you go without him on the one you're planning?
I can't get my head around the younger kids having never had a holiday. No caravan at the sea for a weekend even.

Edited

No hes not going to be home alone . He would be with adult dd. Who will stay at mine and probably have friends over get together bbq drinks etc .

The younger ones have been to butlins with their father. I have not really been in the position to take them away . But I hopefully can now

OP posts:
YouveGotAFastCar · 14/03/2025 09:47

People seem to be missing the part that he's been abroad already . Plus will be going again in may plus again next year that's 3 times .

I don’t think that matters. It might if he was expecting you to pay - because you could say you can only afford this time or next May, for example - but if he’s paying for himself, there’s no reason he can’t go away every other week if he can afford to. It’s not a reason that will mean you avoid telling him he’s not invited.

Can you take the younger ones without the eldest and say it’s a holiday for them, and he’d be bored?

Hoppinggreen · 14/03/2025 09:47

If you are his carer then how can you go abroad and leave him?

Original poster
Youagain2025 · 14/03/2025 09:48

NotTheDebtDoctorWithTheHungryScalpel · 14/03/2025 09:43

Could you book it for when he is away in May then?

No because hes going with dd. And its dd who will look after my dog /the house

OP posts:
Lovelysummerdays · 14/03/2025 09:50

I think you frame it as respite care. It is a lot looking after a high needs child and takes from your other children too. Their needs are often put second. I think it’s really important that they get to enjoy time away with you being free to focus on them.

I would focus on their needs to explain. As in you get x, y , z from me in terms of time. Your siblings also need time rather than I really need a break. Which you do, of course you do, remember you can’t pour from an empty cup. Look after yourself .

ARichtGoodDram · 14/03/2025 09:50

Is your DD happy being the one dealing with him while you are away?

If she already does a lot with him to help you need to be careful not to take advantage of her. She'll be the one dealing with the fallout of you all being away and her being at home with him.

dutysuite · 14/03/2025 09:50

Doesn’t matter which way you paint it, I think it’s a cruel thing to do.

ARichtGoodDram · 14/03/2025 09:51

You'd be far better not taking your adult DS. Badge it as a kids holiday and make your younger DS not want to go, rather than him not being allowed

Velvian · 14/03/2025 09:52

Youagain2025 · 14/03/2025 09:48

No because hes going with dd. And its dd who will look after my dog /the house

Show quote history

This a good solution. Go when he is away and book the dog in kennels.

I think ywbvu to tell him he can't come at another time. If you been through a difficult time in your relationship, he likely wants to be involved in some good times.

Crocmush · 14/03/2025 09:52

Simplynotsimple · 14/03/2025 09:46

Really? You can’t think of any circumstances (especially when children have additional needs) where kids haven’t had a holiday? Mine haven’t had one in two years, we can’t go abroad, UK staycations are insanely expensive, a caravan or hotel is out of the question due to their needs, and it’s a two adult job meaning having to spend the week with my ex. They get plenty of day trips to make up for it.

Show quote history

Children with additional needs can still have holidays.
And the needs are clearly not ones that could prevent holidays, since OP is planning to take them now.
Anyway, she has clarified that they have been away with their dad. It's the OP that hasn't had a break, which I feel sorry for.

OldChairMan · 14/03/2025 09:53

I want adult ds to come so that I have some company.

This jumps out. Do you view your children either useful or a burden?

Seeingalight · 14/03/2025 09:53

Crocmush · 14/03/2025 09:39

Is someone else going on these holidays as his carer? Are you expecting him to be home alone if you go without him on the one you're planning?
I can't get my head around the younger kids having never had a holiday. No caravan at the sea for a weekend even.

Edited

How do you not know there are people in this country who regularly can't afford heating or food, let alone a weekend in a caravan?

Genevieva · 14/03/2025 09:53

I'm speechless to be honest. You can't do this. You must treat your children fairly. You can tell him that he is very welcome, but will need to pay, so you understand that he may wish to spend his money on other things. But your 22 year old would then need to pay his way, unless you are paying for one of the 18 year old's other holidays.

NotTheDebtDoctorWithTheHungryScalpel · 14/03/2025 09:54

Youagain2025 · 14/03/2025 09:48

No because hes going with dd. And its dd who will look after my dog /the house

Show quote history

For the sake of your relationship with ds I would consider getting a dog sitter or kennels for the week.

There's no way that this wouldn't be hurtful to him.

Original poster
Youagain2025 · 14/03/2025 09:54

Lovelysummerdays · 14/03/2025 09:50

I think you frame it as respite care. It is a lot looking after a high needs child and takes from your other children too. Their needs are often put second. I think it’s really important that they get to enjoy time away with you being free to focus on them.

I would focus on their needs to explain. As in you get x, y , z from me in terms of time. Your siblings also need time rather than I really need a break. Which you do, of course you do, remember you can’t pour from an empty cup. Look after yourself .

That's sort of it. I feel like i want to say to him you have had /having your time going on holiday . Its now the younger kids turn . I would totally get it of he had not been on holiday. But he has.

OP posts:
Tiswa · 14/03/2025 09:55

The dog can have a dog sitter and houses can be left

Jessieshome · 14/03/2025 09:55

Could you say to him - I'd like to take the little ones on holiday as they have never been away on holiday, it'll be a little kids holiday, not your idea of fun, like you have on your own trips away. You're older brother is coming with me to help look after us all so we can all relax a bit. You'll be ok at home with your sister won't you? I think she's got some BBQ's and parties planned for you both?

Londonmummy66 · 14/03/2025 09:56

I think I'd present it as a done deal
"As you know you've been away x times with your sister. Your younger siblings haven't had a holiday since..... and so it is only fair that they now have the opportunity so your oldest brother and I are going to take them away for a few days. Whilst we are away your sister is going to come over so you can have a bit of more grown up time together/a BBQ etc etc."

If he asks why he can't come I'd present it as a "levelling up" decision - you've been away and they haven't so now I am trying to make it fair again.

Original poster
Youagain2025 · 14/03/2025 09:56

NotTheDebtDoctorWithTheHungryScalpel · 14/03/2025 09:54

For the sake of your relationship with ds I would consider getting a dog sitter or kennels for the week.

There's no way that this wouldn't be hurtful to him.

Show quote history

Right but we are still missing the part where i and the other kids need a break

OP posts:
Crocmush · 14/03/2025 09:56

Seeingalight · 14/03/2025 09:53

How do you not know there are people in this country who regularly can't afford heating or food, let alone a weekend in a caravan?

Show quote history

I'm assuming enough money was around to look after six children and keep a dog, none of which is cheap. OP isn't posting that they can't afford heating or food, she is planning a (much deserved) holiday right now.
I wasn't making a comment on every family in the UK (so not sure why I'm being judged on that) but on the one being described in the OP.