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Original poster

How can I tell ds he can't come on holiday.

354 replies

Youagain2025 · 14/03/2025 09:12

I'm not 100% it will happen. But im trying to sort out a holiday for me my 3 youngest and adult ds. I want adult ds to come so that I have some company.

The reason I don't want my other ds to come is he's hard work he really drains me and in all honesty I Need a break . This would be my first holiday since I was around 15 years old. Also ds has been on holiday with his sister. He's going again in may . Then again next year .

He's coming up 18 . He is able to pay for himself. But that's not what it's about . Obviously I can't tell him that he's hard work etc.

OP posts:
Wishyouwerehere50 · 16/03/2025 13:08

Nchanged89 · 16/03/2025 13:02

Well take her then??!
You don't ever take advice but get snippy when people suggest something that isn't what you intend to do. Take your daughter and do the right thing by telling your son.

Show quote history

OP desperately wants understanding. Her situation is so difficult and she will have been subject to years of nonsense at the hands of CAMHS and whoever else for years as a parent in this situation.

Parents who don't deal with difficult kids will never ever comprehend this. And I don't mean a bit rebellious, I mean next level where your body is in permanent anxiety and fight or flight, which I bet OPs is. It's another world honestly. I relate and my situation is not so difficult.

Sometimes people just want understanding and a nice feeling and not all the stuff that's thrown at them. People here are not being friendly or helpful primarily.

We are all capable of being twats on here and I understand why OP is now thinking wtf.

Original poster
Youagain2025 · 16/03/2025 13:11

MummytoE · 16/03/2025 12:57

Op, I would suggest looking at Jet2 instead of Thomas Cook. Oh and ignore the negative posters who have either not read everything or who don't have a drop of compassion in them. Hope you are well x

I have been looking at jet2 . Its more expensive than thomas cook . And a few hundred more for example does make a difference to me financially so I'm looking for the cheapest but still need to know it's safe to use etc.

I normally ignore to be honest. I don't know why i have not this time.

OP posts:
MummytoE · 16/03/2025 13:13

Youagain2025 · 16/03/2025 13:11

I have been looking at jet2 . Its more expensive than thomas cook . And a few hundred more for example does make a difference to me financially so I'm looking for the cheapest but still need to know it's safe to use etc.

I normally ignore to be honest. I don't know why i have not this time.

Show quote history

That's crazy, I've always thought Thomas Cook would be dearer. Good to no lol. Yeah we are the same, can only afford to go during term time too. But don't admit to that ,you'll get a roasting for that too!!

mrsconradfisher · 16/03/2025 13:23

Youagain2025 · 16/03/2025 13:06

It's not getting snippy its trying to explain the situation. I have had a mix of nasty/misunderstanding/just not getting it ect . Replying or trying to explain does not =snippy . Should I just roll over ? I have no right to reply etc .

Show quote history

Everybody is trying to understand but your story is so unbelievably complex and tbh nothing like your first post.
I understand it is difficult, I understand your DD had been through hell, I understand that you want to take her and the other children away so they can have a break from their older brother who tbh sounds like he is suffering too. But you are an adult and he is a child. Regardless of what you want or what you would like with regards to company on holiday, it’s that which is making the entire situation even more difficult.
Be the adult, support your DD and have fun with your other children. That’s what a holiday is for (and yes I understand your other child has additional needs), not relying on your grown up DS for company.

Original poster
Youagain2025 · 16/03/2025 13:30

mrsconradfisher · 16/03/2025 13:23

Everybody is trying to understand but your story is so unbelievably complex and tbh nothing like your first post.
I understand it is difficult, I understand your DD had been through hell, I understand that you want to take her and the other children away so they can have a break from their older brother who tbh sounds like he is suffering too. But you are an adult and he is a child. Regardless of what you want or what you would like with regards to company on holiday, it’s that which is making the entire situation even more difficult.
Be the adult, support your DD and have fun with your other children. That’s what a holiday is for (and yes I understand your other child has additional needs), not relying on your grown up DS for company.

Show quote history

Although you have not been horrible in your time or wording . You still don't get it .

Just to add yes I agree it's very different to my first post. I didn't know myself that it was going to go deeper .

OP posts:
Original poster
Youagain2025 · 16/03/2025 13:36

MummytoE · 16/03/2025 13:13

That's crazy, I've always thought Thomas Cook would be dearer. Good to no lol. Yeah we are the same, can only afford to go during term time too. But don't admit to that ,you'll get a roasting for that too!!

Show quote history

I'm really confused by it all to be honest. One im looking at the flight is 5.30am adult ds says that's why it's cheap. It also leaves from Southend Airport so not sure in that either. I'm on London. Don't know how much it costs in cabs or how easy it would be in public transport .

Also when I see later flights they arrive at like 10.30pm we are only going 5 nights. So that's a day lost already. Its not easy

OP posts:
Livpool · 16/03/2025 13:42

OP - you and your other children need a break - if your son doesn’t understand that and is upset then so be it. It is unfair to you and your younger children

Nikki75 · 16/03/2025 14:10

I think yourself and your younger children really deserve a holiday and for them to experience this will be lovely.
You soon who is almost 18 as you say has travelled abroad on a good few occasions already so for me it's a no brainer to go with your younger ones and also have support from your other son due to younger childs needs.

Your son who is almost 18 will have to learn some understanding in that it's the younger siblings turn for a holiday as he has had many already .

I understand you feeling guilt but think of the younger ones as it's there turn and they need this ... he will have to accept it , trust me there will many times in life he won't always get what he wants .. he has to learn how to compromise x

Nikki75 · 16/03/2025 14:11

Nikki75 · 16/03/2025 14:10

I think yourself and your younger children really deserve a holiday and for them to experience this will be lovely.
You soon who is almost 18 as you say has travelled abroad on a good few occasions already so for me it's a no brainer to go with your younger ones and also have support from your other son due to younger childs needs.

Your son who is almost 18 will have to learn some understanding in that it's the younger siblings turn for a holiday as he has had many already .

I understand you feeling guilt but think of the younger ones as it's there turn and they need this ... he will have to accept it , trust me there will many times in life he won't always get what he wants .. he has to learn how to compromise x

Your son *

MusicMakesItAllBetter · 16/03/2025 15:10

Youagain2025 · 16/03/2025 12:00

Ok im going to be plunt . I will wait to be ripped apart.

Ds was aggressive and violent towards me. We went through hell it was awful. This did come under domestic violence. But many people on here do not recognise child to patent violence. Dd saw this and was part victim verblely and gas lighting wise. And what she witness . One of the things I will never forget is her crying hugging me up the top of the stairs crying saying I'm scared he's going to hurt you . As much as things have got better . Dd is still very effected by what happend . She does things like check if ds is here before she will put her music on. She's always checking if he's around before she does normal teenage stuff. She gets stressed being in the same room.

Ds has had lots of help and support counselling therapy etc. And things are much better than they were we do get on ok . But he's still very hard work.

At the time when ds was getting help i asked for help for dd ie counselling/therapy or something as dd had been very effected by things that have happend. There was nothing for her. Hence she's still effected by things now because she hasn't been able to deal with things. There was a referral to CAMHS but that's a long wait. We have tried kooth . Also reached out to her school abd they said they can do some counselling. But there's gaps of 3 weeks at a time and the last time she was seem was for 15 mins.

Maybe dd trulely needs this holiday. To do something nice and not feel she had to worry. As I keep saying lots of people are not considering dd .

Show quote history

Hello.

As you say, your DD could really do with a holiday, could you not do something else with her, the two of you?
Not a holiday where one child is left out (not battering you, it's how the situation is) but, idk, a spa day. Or a choice of hers for the two of you?
Do you have anyone who can support you with that, looking after the children for an afternoon perhaps?

I'm sorry about what you've gone through with your son, it must have been incredibly scary for you and DD to witness

Original poster
Youagain2025 · 16/03/2025 15:15

Nikki75 · 16/03/2025 14:10

I think yourself and your younger children really deserve a holiday and for them to experience this will be lovely.
You soon who is almost 18 as you say has travelled abroad on a good few occasions already so for me it's a no brainer to go with your younger ones and also have support from your other son due to younger childs needs.

Your son who is almost 18 will have to learn some understanding in that it's the younger siblings turn for a holiday as he has had many already .

I understand you feeling guilt but think of the younger ones as it's there turn and they need this ... he will have to accept it , trust me there will many times in life he won't always get what he wants .. he has to learn how to compromise x

Dd is going to help me with applying for passports tomorrow. Hoping ds will be here so we can have a chat

OP posts:
MusicMakesItAllBetter · 16/03/2025 15:31

Youagain2025 · 16/03/2025 13:36

I'm really confused by it all to be honest. One im looking at the flight is 5.30am adult ds says that's why it's cheap. It also leaves from Southend Airport so not sure in that either. I'm on London. Don't know how much it costs in cabs or how easy it would be in public transport .

Also when I see later flights they arrive at like 10.30pm we are only going 5 nights. So that's a day lost already. Its not easy

Show quote history

Where are you in England in order to be able to fly from Southend and get there by taxi? Is it your nearest airport?
I'm good at travel arranging.
I'd be happy to help. If you want to you can DM me with details and I'll take a gander for you

Original poster
Youagain2025 · 16/03/2025 15:32

MusicMakesItAllBetter · 16/03/2025 15:10

Hello.

As you say, your DD could really do with a holiday, could you not do something else with her, the two of you?
Not a holiday where one child is left out (not battering you, it's how the situation is) but, idk, a spa day. Or a choice of hers for the two of you?
Do you have anyone who can support you with that, looking after the children for an afternoon perhaps?

I'm sorry about what you've gone through with your son, it must have been incredibly scary for you and DD to witness

Show quote history

No we want to go on holiday. Like @nikki75 has said he's had holidays the others have not. Dd would hate a spa day.

OP posts:
Original poster
Youagain2025 · 16/03/2025 15:36

MusicMakesItAllBetter · 16/03/2025 15:31

Where are you in England in order to be able to fly from Southend and get there by taxi? Is it your nearest airport?
I'm good at travel arranging.
I'd be happy to help. If you want to you can DM me with details and I'll take a gander for you

Show quote history

I'm in southeast London. It was just Southend that was coming up. If i tried to change it. It was adding 300+ on it.

OP posts:
MusicMakesItAllBetter · 16/03/2025 17:57

Youagain2025 · 16/03/2025 15:36

I'm in southeast London. It was just Southend that was coming up. If i tried to change it. It was adding 300+ on it.

Show quote history

Southend is a far trip by taxi (I'm thinking of the cost!).
There and back, not sure it'd be worth the 300£ saving if I'm honest.

I'd take you for £100 each way 🤣
Sorry🤭

Is taking the train to Gatwick no good?
Or to Luton?

Message me the dates and where you'd like to go, I'll help you out (not by driving you, that was a joke). I'm good at this.

Re the day with your DD. I just used a spa as an example but you all absolutely deserve a holiday

LaDamaDeElche · 16/03/2025 18:07

I think some posters have given you a really bad time on this thread and you have stayed extremely patient. I have a daughter with ADHD and her behaviour is extremely challenging and I’m exhausted. I can’t even imagine what it would be like having other kids to look after, or the complexities of your situation. You and your children absolutely deserve this. Don’t listen to the people on here who haven’t walked a mile in your shoes. I have to deal with a much less challenging situation than you and I feel at the point of burnout and my mental health has definitely been affected. People on here sitting in judgement of you have no idea and are lacking in empathy. I hope you have a brilliant holiday and a much deserved break, as well as enjoying a bit of grown up time with your eldest. You thoroughly deserve it.

Original poster
Youagain2025 · 16/03/2025 18:44

LaDamaDeElche · 16/03/2025 18:07

I think some posters have given you a really bad time on this thread and you have stayed extremely patient. I have a daughter with ADHD and her behaviour is extremely challenging and I’m exhausted. I can’t even imagine what it would be like having other kids to look after, or the complexities of your situation. You and your children absolutely deserve this. Don’t listen to the people on here who haven’t walked a mile in your shoes. I have to deal with a much less challenging situation than you and I feel at the point of burnout and my mental health has definitely been affected. People on here sitting in judgement of you have no idea and are lacking in empathy. I hope you have a brilliant holiday and a much deserved break, as well as enjoying a bit of grown up time with your eldest. You thoroughly deserve it.

Are you able to get a break at all? Even if its something small go for a walk on your own have an extra long bath etc . My break used to be the bus journey home after I dropped the kids off . I know it doesn't take it away . But just a little breathing space if you can.

We probably go not sure how or where yet . But we will .

OP posts:
LaDamaDeElche · 16/03/2025 18:53

Youagain2025 · 16/03/2025 18:44

Are you able to get a break at all? Even if its something small go for a walk on your own have an extra long bath etc . My break used to be the bus journey home after I dropped the kids off . I know it doesn't take it away . But just a little breathing space if you can.

We probably go not sure how or where yet . But we will .

Show quote history

I do. I’ve got a supportive DP and DD is 15, so it’s not like having a younger child. It’s just mentally draining and you’re trying to do help someone who fights you at every turn. Add perimenopause into the mix too and it’s a lot! I take my hat off to you, I really do. I don’t know why some posters felt the need to be so awful to you. I have nothing but sympathy for your situation.

Original poster
Youagain2025 · 16/03/2025 19:43

MusicMakesItAllBetter · 16/03/2025 17:57

Southend is a far trip by taxi (I'm thinking of the cost!).
There and back, not sure it'd be worth the 300£ saving if I'm honest.

I'd take you for £100 each way 🤣
Sorry🤭

Is taking the train to Gatwick no good?
Or to Luton?

Message me the dates and where you'd like to go, I'll help you out (not by driving you, that was a joke). I'm good at this.

Re the day with your DD. I just used a spa as an example but you all absolutely deserve a holiday

Show quote history

I have messaged you

OP posts:
Original poster
Youagain2025 · 16/03/2025 19:55

LaDamaDeElche · 16/03/2025 18:53

I do. I’ve got a supportive DP and DD is 15, so it’s not like having a younger child. It’s just mentally draining and you’re trying to do help someone who fights you at every turn. Add perimenopause into the mix too and it’s a lot! I take my hat off to you, I really do. I don’t know why some posters felt the need to be so awful to you. I have nothing but sympathy for your situation.

Show quote history

Regardless weather your dd is not a younger child it's still hard .you have the ADHD plus the teen hormones on top. I'm glad you have support though. Think I'm going through perimenopause to . To be honest it's just missing periods for me which is fantastic who wants them 😅. Definitely get you time when you can though.

I have a feeling as to why some posters post like that . I don't want to trigger anything though. So best left unsaid .

OP posts:
T1Dmama · 17/03/2025 11:06

Youagain2025 · 14/03/2025 09:12

I'm not 100% it will happen. But im trying to sort out a holiday for me my 3 youngest and adult ds. I want adult ds to come so that I have some company.

The reason I don't want my other ds to come is he's hard work he really drains me and in all honesty I Need a break . This would be my first holiday since I was around 15 years old. Also ds has been on holiday with his sister. He's going again in may . Then again next year .

He's coming up 18 . He is able to pay for himself. But that's not what it's about . Obviously I can't tell him that he's hard work etc.

Why can’t you tell him he’s hard work?
maybe part of his issue is that he’s never been told, just goes through life assuming his behaviour is ok.
Sit him down and be honest, tell him that his behaviour of X,Y & Z drains you and that you’re considering a holiday away without him because of how he behaves…. Non of us know to adjust our behaviours unless someone tells us it annoys them.

MummytoE · 17/03/2025 12:41

T1Dmama · 17/03/2025 11:06

Why can’t you tell him he’s hard work?
maybe part of his issue is that he’s never been told, just goes through life assuming his behaviour is ok.
Sit him down and be honest, tell him that his behaviour of X,Y & Z drains you and that you’re considering a holiday away without him because of how he behaves…. Non of us know to adjust our behaviours unless someone tells us it annoys them.

Show quote history

Yeah agree. He's almost 18. He maybe doesn't even realise the effect its having on everyone. If you don't know you can't fix it!

Original poster
Youagain2025 · 17/03/2025 12:45

T1Dmama · 17/03/2025 11:06

Why can’t you tell him he’s hard work?
maybe part of his issue is that he’s never been told, just goes through life assuming his behaviour is ok.
Sit him down and be honest, tell him that his behaviour of X,Y & Z drains you and that you’re considering a holiday away without him because of how he behaves…. Non of us know to adjust our behaviours unless someone tells us it annoys them.

Show quote history

It's much more complicated than that . Things are not always black and white.

OP posts:
Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 18/03/2025 04:37

Where is his Dad in all this?

Original poster
Youagain2025 · 18/03/2025 06:41

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 18/03/2025 04:37

Where is his Dad in all this?

Not around

OP posts: