How can I tell ds he can't come on holiday.

[Youagain2025]

I'm not 100% it will happen. But im trying to sort out a holiday for me my 3 youngest and adult ds. I want adult ds to come so that I have some company.

The reason I don't want my other ds to come is he's hard work he really drains me and in all honesty I Need a break . This would be my first holiday since I was around 15 years old. Also ds has been on holiday with his sister. He's going again in may . Then again next year .

He's coming up 18 . He is able to pay for himself. But that's not what it's about . Obviously I can't tell him that he's hard work etc.

Sorry I'm confused are you saying take the younger 3 and leave the 14 year old behinde?

If you need a break from him, can you find another way to get one which is not excluding him, but still take him on holiday.

Does he have other family, or a residential activity type thing, where he can stay for a week or so for a "holiday" at another time to give you a break then?

I understand your need for a break, but excluding him from a family holiday is going to hurt whatever way you try to frame it.

Sorry but that’s parentification. You’ve repeatedly said he’s coming to provide you with company and help you out. Not once have you ever mentioned that he’s coming to enjoy a holiday. It’s not his job to provide company for you. Sorry if that sounds harsh but the amount of times you’ve said this is such a red flag.

Is there a reason that you are not considering going away with a friend or a grop of friends instead. It seems a poor decision to exclude one child.

Ds is actually 18 in a couple of weeks . Ds is already doing that herself he's been away once going in a couple of months then again next year. But ds wants to do both.

Can you flip it, I’m taking the littles away, you already have been and have another booked, while I’m away DS could stay over, you could have a party at home. Whatever will get them super excited about planning something while you are away. Or buy them tickets to a festival or something whilst you are away. lol.

I took my DS on holiday as a single mum. It's pretty lonely sat in a balcony on your own at night, or early in the morning while they sleep. Even if the OP does all of the grunt work of organising three kids at the pool, dinner etc and the adult DS does nothing, I'm sure she'd still appreciate some adult conversation with her son?

I don't understand this comment at all i really don't.

Oh sorry there’s 3 younger ones? You have 7 children in total? No wonder you need a break 🫠

Yes I was suggesting 2 separate holidays. One with the youngest who are actually children which makes it easier to say to difficult DS - no teens, this is a kids holiday.

Then a separate one for your 14 year old DD who’s had a difficult time and have a more “grown up” girls trip with her. More like a spa weekend/ see a show in London sort of trip.

Then difficult DS has his May trip with his sister.

Everyone gets a trip that’s catered specifically to their needs/interests and makes it seem less like anyone is being singled out/left behind.

Thry will definitely party when I'm not here .

This sounds expensive and more time off work etc plus younger kids would need watched when she is away with 14 old.so not overly practical. I think it's maybe 6 kids. 3 younger. 14 year old. Ds and older DD.

Yanbu to need respite.

Do you think he’d accept him needing a break from you and the younger ones?

Can you frame it as him and his sister staying at home as a sort of grown up holiday ? I don’t know if he has plans for uni at 18 but this could be a sort of trial run /pretending to be an adult by house sharing with his sister sort of experience. You’ll make sure that the younger ones are out of their hair and they can have pre holiday sleepover for a few nights sort of thing. BBQs etc could add to that holiday feeling.

C'mon people. OP isn't taking all except one child. She is taking all but 2 - who are going on other trips together.

And quit the absolute guff that the ages of 3 of those she's taking (notwithstanding that one has SEN) mean she doesn't need support.
Resms and reams and reams of posts over the years hoe a DH needs to step up for a SAHM at the weekend etc.

Vipers indeed. Can't wait to hook up the hydgy pants (so what if OP has 7 kids? Do you want her to cull some of them?)

Good luck OP. You DO deserve a break. You DO deserve company. Your younger children DO deserve a holiday. Your son DOES deserve a carer who isn't burnt out.

Its 6 in all. I just used 3 youngest as in younger than him. I can't leave 14 year old dd there's no one to leave her with. I can't leave her with adult dd and 17 year old as it would be a fuck up for her mentally. And she's been through alot . Because if the situation The break would also be for her.

Can you go when he is away on holiday so then it's a valid reason why he can't go?

I feel sorry for the older DD.
Not good enough as companion and has to stay at home to look after the house, dog and now her "difficult" brother as well.

Op there's obviously a lot going on in your family , and a lot that your children have had to be deal with. You sound like a great mother trying to do the best for all your children which , with 6, this can't be easy. I really hope you go on your holiday. Xx

What do you think is the best solution out of the suggestions offered OP?

If you want to leave behind then tell him- .

That the holiday is for the little ones and the adult DS is only there to help out. That if he was to come, then he’d be expected to help out as an adult. If he says no, he won’t help. Then you tell him then he can’t come. This is a holiday for the little ones. If he protests, tell him you need him to keep an eye on things at home anyway- pay him if need be to look after the house and feel useful.

I think this is where you’re going wrong. If you just take the younger ones, you can position it as a treat specifically for them, because they haven’t had a holiday in so long (and have never been abroad at all). If you make it just for them, it’s a children’s holiday. If you invite your eldest son, it becomes everyone except your 17 year-old and his sister who has to look after him.

Ok. Dd is 27 they get on well . He will have been on holiday .3 times with her . I have one of her children 3 times a week. Plus her older child once a week when he comes to play . Then he sleeps over over once every 2/3 weeks . I also had them for the week when dd and ds went on holiday . I will also be having them when dd and ds go on holiday next year . I'm also having her kids this weekend. Until recently I was also pick gs up from school every day.

And quit the absolute guff that the ages of 3 of those she's taking (notwithstanding that one has SEN) mean she doesn't need support.
Resms and reams and reams of posts over the years hoe a DH needs to step up for a SAHM at the weekend etc.

A DH presumably being the father of the SAHM’s children? That’s a very different scenario to taking one adult child on holiday with you to act as a co-carer and leaving another behind to act as carer to the child you don’t want to take away.

I am also wondering about older DD is she happy not to be invited and only holiday with your son who needs a care.

She's perfectly fine

I hope you can sort something out OP. You really deserve it.