How can I tell ds he can't come on holiday.

[Youagain2025]

I'm not 100% it will happen. But im trying to sort out a holiday for me my 3 youngest and adult ds. I want adult ds to come so that I have some company.

The reason I don't want my other ds to come is he's hard work he really drains me and in all honesty I Need a break . This would be my first holiday since I was around 15 years old. Also ds has been on holiday with his sister. He's going again in may . Then again next year .

He's coming up 18 . He is able to pay for himself. But that's not what it's about . Obviously I can't tell him that he's hard work etc.

Is your son autistic, possibly with ADHD? Just because he cannot verbally or physically show it, doesn’t mean he’s not picking up on how difficult people around him find him, which often then makes behaviour even more challenging. To single him out - especially telling him in any way that it’s due to his behaviour - over not coming on holiday may have longterm effects on challenging behaviour. He may seem ok with it but it will likely come out in other ways as he cannot express how hurt he is over the decision.

You would get a break - DS and DD will be away, you and the rest of the kids would be away...? That person was talking about you going away when he's away in May.

Because carers are all allowed a break too. That’s called respite!
Plus if you RTFT, you’ll know the OP has her older dd coming aka she is going yo be his carer whilst the OP is away.

Yep.

It would be better to just go you and adult DS and leave the younger kids with their dad and DD.

Could you book your holiday for when his next holiday is planned? That way he is away already and you can play it like that?

I already done this he started going on about things he wants to come etc .

Really? My niece was earning £25k at 17!! She went on loads of holidays all paid for by her.

For sure but that doesn’t mean the respite should be taken in a way that’s deeply hurtful to one of the children. It rather undermines the point of care.

He wants to come. There is no way to refuse without hurting him, upsetting him, and at least partially revealing how you feel about him (though I'm sure he's aware of it already). You need to decide whether the holiday without him is worth that.

He's not autistic. He has emotional dysregulation. But once he turns 18 bipolar or personality disorder will be looked at . Apprently they like chikdren to turn 18 before looking at diagnosis. Something like that anyway. I may have got mixed up.

I wouldn't tell him it's due to his behaviour he's hard work etc . I think that would be awful to say that so I would not .

But we do need a break .

Can you do a holiday without any of the children? or accept if you leave ds out you will have to leave adult child out too and cope alone.

I do understand. We don’t do family holidays as my SEN child cannot cope. It’s not a holiday for me it’s hell. I’ve managed to have a couple weekends away with my dd by calling it an educational trip- we visit historical sites relevant to what’s she’s currently learning and she will do some worksheets and stuff. My SEN child absolutely hates learning it’s a massive trigger for him due to school trauma so when I ask if he wants to come on a learning trip he will choose to go stay with his dad instead.

i was the SEN child who’s mother told them they are hard work and need a break. I wasn’t excluded from holiday but was told a few times how I affected my mother. It hurt A LOT. And actually led to me entering abusive relationships as an adult as I didn’t understand how love felt seeing as the person supposed to love me most made it clear I’m a burden. Now I have my own high need child I do understand how my mother felt but the difference is my child will never know how draining it is. I can get away with a weekend learning trip he chooses not to go on but no way could I get away with taking multiple children and only leaving him out. The emotional damage to him is just unacceptable

If only

The best option is to go on holiday in May when he is on his own holiday. Get a dog sitter, your house will be fine.

Look at trusted housesitters and get a dog sitter for when your DS is away then there's no need to explain why he's not going with you, because he'll be off having a whale of a time. Or leave Ddog with a friend/family etc.

Ok how do you expect a carer and the siblings to get a break away from the person then?
if not a hols, what else can you do?

Seriously I suspect ideas would be helpful to the OP on how else she could do that.

So why can't you just go you and the younger kids then

Surely the levelling up thing is a red herring, because he can quite rightly point out that his holidays have been off his own back / income? It’s not fair that he’s left out when you didn’t take him when he was younger either. He had to do it himself.

I obviously don’t know your children’s special needs but could you frame it as having a younger child’s type holiday which won’t have much in it for him? It’ll seem boring in comparison to his holiday to X and his holiday in May ?
Could you plan a day out he will enjoy, just you and him or him and a friend before or following the holiday ?
I can’t imagine it’s easy organising one holiday that suits 4 /5 children especially if there are additional needs.

You say he has other holidays but also that you haven't had a holiday for years. Has he had a recent holiday with you?

If not, his other holidays are irrelevant and not inviting him is unfair.

The next youngest child is only three years younger than him... I don't think there's a way of doing this that won't hurt your son because you are deliberately excluding him from a family trip which is a hurtful thing to do.

I have a child with SEN and can't imagine putting them through the hurt of being purposely excluded from something like this because their disability is hard to cope with. I can imagine taking children on separate but equal holidays if that was better for them, but never leaving one out entirely.

That’s what the OP wants to do….

My DP was left at home to complete uni exams whilst his family went half way around the world to his dream holiday destination, leaving him behind. There was no reason they couldn’t have gone a month later and took him too.
It’s just one example he gave me when he was explaining why he doesn’t stress about making the minimal effort with his family.

Eh? She's consistently mentioned taking her older DS as well! The whole thing has been about how she'll be taking him but not the other one!

I think if you've mentioned it already, and he wants to come, then you're fucked TBH.

It might be better to find the week when he is going away and then do 'your thing' then. That would be more reasonable.

Or say you need someone to house sit for £££ and see if he bites.

But if he wants to come, he has to come.

He won't care if its was a kiddie type holiday. As long as there's a beach and a pool he would be happy with that .

How long has he had ‘emotional dysregulation’? Has he been assessed for autism/adhd? Is there other factors such as trauma? Regardless, the outcome will still likely be the same as he evidently cannot emotionally process like a typical person. I would still consider the longterm effects of leaving only him out due to behaviour difficulties.