How can I tell ds he can't come on holiday.

[Youagain2025]

I'm not 100% it will happen. But im trying to sort out a holiday for me my 3 youngest and adult ds. I want adult ds to come so that I have some company.

The reason I don't want my other ds to come is he's hard work he really drains me and in all honesty I Need a break . This would be my first holiday since I was around 15 years old. Also ds has been on holiday with his sister. He's going again in may . Then again next year .

He's coming up 18 . He is able to pay for himself. But that's not what it's about . Obviously I can't tell him that he's hard work etc.

Carers need a break too. As do the other siblings.

I hope you can find the words for this OP. You deserve a holiday and so do your other children.

I can imagine taking children on separate but equal holidays if that was better for them, but never leaving one out entirely.

That would be a great idea.
If you have the money and time for 5 different holidays.

Carer can a take a break, siblings can take a break, they don’t all need to take a break together excluding the disabled sibling.

Dog sitters/kennels are expensive and maybe dog is old or never been cared for other than family? You have my sympathy OP and hope you work something out.

Yes older ds as a helper!! Because the OP needs SUPPORT.
It could be anyone else, like a friend stepping in.

I get that. But I think it’s really cruel to leave him ojt

youve got to think of this from everyone’s point.

I was the child who was left out because my father got remarried. We never recovered. Not once.

I’ve watched family members be excluded and now they are virtually no contact with the person that excluded them.
Working in children's services I've seen families burnt out and at breaking point due to not having any respite.

Cost?

The OP states clearly it’s a rare occasion she can afford that trip. How do you suggest she pays for 5/ trips instead?

Ok then
Your post said OP said that she wanted to go with just the younger ones so not the older ones
Which wasn't the case

I think it's perfectly fair to take the younger children on holiday but not the older ones. It's tricky that you've already invited your adult son; would it be possible to change that, and ask him to help you out by staying at home to help his sister look after their brother?
I'm not sure that pointing out that he's going on other holidays would make DS feel OK about being left out. Usually a shortage or money or annual leave are reasons for limiting the number of holidays in a year, and if that doesn't apply here, he'll know that it's not a genuine reason.

Couldn't have put it better myself. Glass child syndrome is very real. Op deserves a break. Other children deserve a break and more quality time with their mother. I really hope op ignores the negative comments and goes and has a ball!!

OP does he understand that you are his carer, and his siblings are "young sibling carers"??

I'd definitely frame it to him as giving the younger children some time where you are just focused on them, and he does some chill, more grown up things like BBQs etc with his sister while you are away.

I have an adult child I'm a carer for. Thankfully I've always talked to him about us needing time for ourselves, that him and his much younger brother both need different things from me and both need quality time with me, etc.

I would go at it from this angle.

Yes he is under 18. I get people's shock. But unless you've lived this life juggling children's needs and being a full time, single parent carer I just don't think you get it.

I can see you don't want to hurt his feelings and you sound like you're trying so hard to find a solution that's best for everyone.

I think the only way to make this work smoothly is to find boarding for the dog and for you to go at the same time as DD and DS(17) are away. That will make it seem more 'fair' and distract DS from feeling left behind.

@Youagain2025 You definitely merit to go without him. So does his siblings. Is he OK with older dd? I suppose he is on Pip and therefore has some money to go on holidays. Just explain to him that younger siblings don't have that and you therefore need to take them.

Your younger kids aren’t that young at 8, 9 and 14- do you really need help from older DS? If you take them by yourself without the oldest brother then it’s easier to say it’s just a holiday for the under 16s who haven’t had one and all the adult kids aren’t coming.

you could then go to the week in may your DS is away if you wanted to make it easier for yourself as you wouldn’t have to worry about your oldest sons work. Oldest son could watch the dogs or you could pay for boarding for them.

I would just say because you've had a holiday and got another one coming up soon, I'm going to take the little ones away.

Why don't we do another trip to the seaside all together at the end of the summer holidays too?

You've made your decision to give you and your other children a much needed break, no matter how you say it your going to feel guilty but you need to stick to the positive approach and be firm. He's staying with big sister, they can do stuff they enjoy, Best of luck Op, you make your own decisions and you're doing what's best for everyone really

I don’t think this is a good idea at all.

Why don’t you go on holiday by yourself or with a friend?

Kindly, you have too many children.
And leaving one out would be cruel no matter what.

How about this…

You go on a “kids holiday” with the 8 & 10 year old and a separate “girls trip” with just the 14 year old?

The 3 youngest get a holiday and it’s easier to sell them as trips that aren’t really suitable for 17 year old DS.

Some people have suggested saying taking the 3 of them is a “kiddies holiday” so 17 year old won’t enjoy, but I don’t think you can swing that when your DD is 14. She isn’t a “kiddie”.

14 year old DD might be a bit put out at first at not coming to on the kids holiday but if you let her get really involved with planning your “girls trip” and tailor it to her interests she’d likely get onboard and really appreciate the 1 on 1 time.

Of course you’d need your oldest 2 to be onboard with providing childcare for the various children not going on these trips or you’d need to get their Dad/s involved.

I think if you can afford it this really makes sense. Smaller chunks of the family going away in different groups at different times (including “difficult” DS & his older sister) rather than basically everyone expect difficult DS & his sister babysitting him.

Adult ds is coming to partly keep me company but also to help out . As the 9 year old also has special needs .

After 17 we stopped taking adult DCs. To be fair they had already started looking at holidays with friends/girlfriends.

I think (with the help of other posters it has to be said) that you've explained it all in detail now, and as a carer for a young adult with a mental illness I can understand where you are coming from. But you don't seem to have come to terms with it yourself - your reasons seem sound, of course he will push back and say he wants to come, are you worried you wont be able to stand firm? Why do you keep saying "but he wants to come"? Several posters have made good suggestions about explaining he's already had a holiday etc. Do you not like those suggestions? Nothing anyone has said already likely to help?

Why can't you tell him that he is hard work and point out all the times he has upset his siblings or yourself? I mean are you all going to tip toe around him forever with him thinking he can behave however he wants? Surely he needs a reality check at his age?
Your younger kids deserve a break from him, I'm sure they have resentment already. He won't be alone, another sibling isn't coming too. You sound like you need a break so have one.

The 17yr old has emotional disregulation, the only way you can half attempt to not cause him some issues with this is if you go away when he is already away with his sister.
I appreciate the conundrum but you need to plan the holiday with everyone in consideration, including him.
Hire a dog sitter, the house will be fine and go away during his holiday in May.