Page 3 | How can I tell ds he can't come on holiday.

Youagain2025 · 2025-03-14T09:12:11+00:00

I'm not 100% it will happen. But im trying to sort out a holiday for me my 3 youngest and adult ds. I want adult ds to come so that I have some company. The reason I don't want my other ds to come is he's hard work he really drains me and in all honesty I Need a break . This would be my first holiday since I was around 15 years old. Also ds has been on holiday with his sister. He's going again in may . Then again next year . He's coming up 18 . He is able to pay for himself. But that's not what it's about . Obviously I can't tell him that he's hard work etc.

ARichtGoodDram · 14/03/2025 09:56

That's sort of it. I feel like i want to say to him you have had /having your time going on holiday . Its now the younger kids turn . I would totally get it of he had not been on holiday. But he has.

He hasn't been with you though so is likely to see it differently.

Seeingalight · 14/03/2025 09:57

ARichtGoodDram · 14/03/2025 09:51

You'd be far better not taking your adult DS. Badge it as a kids holiday and make your younger DS not want to go, rather than him not being allowed

I agree. I know you said you need the older ds to help and company but this does seem the fairer way to do it.
Does your older ds usually help at home with the younger DCs? He might like a break from them if that's the case.

I know it will be harder for you but you could plan days out every day to keep them busy and tire them out.

Simplynotsimple · 14/03/2025 09:57

Crocmush · 14/03/2025 09:52

Children with additional needs can still have holidays.
And the needs are clearly not ones that could prevent holidays, since OP is planning to take them now.
Anyway, she has clarified that they have been away with their dad. It's the OP that hasn't had a break, which I feel sorry for.

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Of course they can have holidays, but as I said they are expensive and often need 10x the planning of a typical family holiday (which are already difficult enough to cater to everyone’s needs). And evidently needs is a factor with at least two of the children - it’s only now that the son in question is older that the op can consider leaving him and taking the younger ones.

As I said in my first post, the op does need a break and since the children have had other holidays she should look at opportunities for herself (or herself and just the younger ones as others suggested).

ARichtGoodDram · 14/03/2025 09:57

Right but we are still missing the part where i and the other kids need a break

If you put the dog into kennels you could go away at the same time he's going with his sister is what people are saying

melonalone · 14/03/2025 09:57

Apillthatmakesyousayalltherightstuff · 14/03/2025 09:33

I'd tell him 'I'm thinking about me and your brother taking the little ones away soon. You'd be alright staying with your sister/by yourself, wouldn't you?' If he asks why he's not invited say 'I think we could do with a break from each other, don't you? It's been a long time since we've got on well'.

Edited to say I meant sister not brother but you get the idea.

Edited

Oh my god!

Imagine being 17 and your mum saying to you she needs a break from you because it’s a long time from you’ve got on well!!!!

And you watch her swan off on holiday with your siblings???

Wise up! This is terrible!

NotTheDebtDoctorWithTheHungryScalpel · 14/03/2025 09:58

Youagain2025 · 14/03/2025 09:56

Right but we are still missing the part where i and the other kids need a break

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But you would be getting a break, you'll still be on holiday, just at the same time as ds who will be wherever he is, and you'll be wherever you are.

Original poster

Youagain2025 · 14/03/2025 09:59

Londonmummy66 · 14/03/2025 09:56

I think I'd present it as a done deal
"As you know you've been away x times with your sister. Your younger siblings haven't had a holiday since..... and so it is only fair that they now have the opportunity so your oldest brother and I are going to take them away for a few days. Whilst we are away your sister is going to come over so you can have a bit of more grown up time together/a BBQ etc etc."

If he asks why he can't come I'd present it as a "levelling up" decision - you've been away and they haven't so now I am trying to make it fair again.

That's an idea. Dd said he may just back of because he's paying out for 2 holidays as it is. I'm hoping he will .

OP posts:

Fraggeek · 14/03/2025 10:00

Genevieva · 14/03/2025 09:53

I'm speechless to be honest. You can't do this. You must treat your children fairly. You can tell him that he is very welcome, but will need to pay, so you understand that he may wish to spend his money on other things. But your 22 year old would then need to pay his way, unless you are paying for one of the 18 year old's other holidays.

I think a lot of people aren't understanding the situation fully.
It sounds like her son ,who she cares for, has challenging behaviour/personality that has impacted the rest of the family greatly. Especially as another child receives counselling.
Whilst in an ideal world we all want to treat our children equally, circumstances don't always allow for this.
I grew up in a household where one child, due to their disability, ruled the roost. We couldn't do a thing without uproar. As an adult now, I can see how desperately my mum needed a break but she didn't have anyone else who could provide care to enable us respite at all. But it was absolutely needed. I love my sibling dearly but boy were they difficult to live with. A break would have done everyone the world of good.

It sounds like this is a similar case. I really hope the OP does get that time away. Space to just breathe freely and relax can be enough to keep you strong for longer

Lazydomestic · 14/03/2025 10:01

if he has been / is going abroad could you not schedule your holiday at same time?

UncharteredWaters · 14/03/2025 10:02

Why not just go the week he is? Frame it as a great time for you to go as he doesn’t need you that week..

Original poster

Youagain2025 · 14/03/2025 10:03

Fraggeek · 14/03/2025 10:00

I think a lot of people aren't understanding the situation fully.
It sounds like her son ,who she cares for, has challenging behaviour/personality that has impacted the rest of the family greatly. Especially as another child receives counselling.
Whilst in an ideal world we all want to treat our children equally, circumstances don't always allow for this.
I grew up in a household where one child, due to their disability, ruled the roost. We couldn't do a thing without uproar. As an adult now, I can see how desperately my mum needed a break but she didn't have anyone else who could provide care to enable us respite at all. But it was absolutely needed. I love my sibling dearly but boy were they difficult to live with. A break would have done everyone the world of good.

It sounds like this is a similar case. I really hope the OP does get that time away. Space to just breathe freely and relax can be enough to keep you strong for longer

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100% this thank you . Its this exactly 💐

OP posts:

Original poster

Youagain2025 · 14/03/2025 10:04

UncharteredWaters · 14/03/2025 10:02

Why not just go the week he is? Frame it as a great time for you to go as he doesn’t need you that week..

No hes going in may I don't even have passports yet . Also I need to work around adult ds work

OP posts:

Genevieva · 14/03/2025 10:04

Fraggeek · 14/03/2025 10:00

I think a lot of people aren't understanding the situation fully.
It sounds like her son ,who she cares for, has challenging behaviour/personality that has impacted the rest of the family greatly. Especially as another child receives counselling.
Whilst in an ideal world we all want to treat our children equally, circumstances don't always allow for this.
I grew up in a household where one child, due to their disability, ruled the roost. We couldn't do a thing without uproar. As an adult now, I can see how desperately my mum needed a break but she didn't have anyone else who could provide care to enable us respite at all. But it was absolutely needed. I love my sibling dearly but boy were they difficult to live with. A break would have done everyone the world of good.

It sounds like this is a similar case. I really hope the OP does get that time away. Space to just breathe freely and relax can be enough to keep you strong for longer

Show quote history

I understand that, but this child is still a thinking, feeling human being. The fallout of saying he can't come will be massive. So she needs a work-around. By suggesting that she take the risk of inviting him, but says she understands it might not be how he wants to spend his money, he may opt not to go without feeling left out. The only alternative I can think of is that she has him otherwise occupied on the dates of the trip with something that can't be changed or missed, but reassures him that he has a lot of holidays to look forward to.

Hoppinggreen · 14/03/2025 10:04

If his additional needs require you to be his (presumably) paid carer then how can he be left at home alone and look after the house and dog?

TomatoSandwiches · 14/03/2025 10:05

You need to arrange to go when he is away with his sister and put your dog in the kennels or with a dog sitter, you can't have it all the way you want, it would be cruel to tell him you don't want him to come.
I think you're also the poster who wanted to ask her 17yr old for financial contributions to Christmas food because you had messed up your budget... if so you seem to treat this one child really differently and unfairly to your others.

Whoarethoseguys · 14/03/2025 10:05

Hoppinggreen · 14/03/2025 10:04

If his additional needs require you to be his (presumably) paid carer then how can he be left at home alone and look after the house and dog?

He isn't alone, his sister will be with him

Original poster

Youagain2025 · 14/03/2025 10:06

Genevieva · 14/03/2025 10:04

I understand that, but this child is still a thinking, feeling human being. The fallout of saying he can't come will be massive. So she needs a work-around. By suggesting that she take the risk of inviting him, but says she understands it might not be how he wants to spend his money, he may opt not to go without feeling left out. The only alternative I can think of is that she has him otherwise occupied on the dates of the trip with something that can't be changed or missed, but reassures him that he has a lot of holidays to look forward to.

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It's not anything to do with him paying. Your still dismissing that we need a break. And the needs of my other children

OP posts:

Original poster

Youagain2025 · 14/03/2025 10:07

TomatoSandwiches · 14/03/2025 10:05

You need to arrange to go when he is away with his sister and put your dog in the kennels or with a dog sitter, you can't have it all the way you want, it would be cruel to tell him you don't want him to come.
I think you're also the poster who wanted to ask her 17yr old for financial contributions to Christmas food because you had messed up your budget... if so you seem to treat this one child really differently and unfairly to your others.

Well you got that wrong for a start.

OP posts:

NowYouSee · 14/03/2025 10:08

OP - how much insight does your Ds have on the impact he has on you and the family? If he appreciates caring for him is tough and impacts on siblings then it is a much easier sell than if his difficulties mean he lacks the insight to appreciate it. I think this is quite key.

SomewhereinSuberbia · 14/03/2025 10:08

What about booking it just after he's been away the following day, so you could justify it as, you get your holiday then we get ours.
Give him some tickets for something like a cinema trip/ go to London and go on the Uber boat on hte Thames or something else special for when you are gone, -say that you can do these things when I'm away that are special as you are grown up and you will be with your sister...

notacooldad · 14/03/2025 10:08

Could you book it for when he is away in May then?
No because hes going with dd. And its dd who will look after my dog /the house
The dog goes into kennels and the house will be fine.

Original poster

Youagain2025 · 14/03/2025 10:10

NowYouSee · 14/03/2025 10:08

OP - how much insight does your Ds have on the impact he has on you and the family? If he appreciates caring for him is tough and impacts on siblings then it is a much easier sell than if his difficulties mean he lacks the insight to appreciate it. I think this is quite key.

He doesn't get it at all . Well that's how it comes across anyway .

OP posts:

orangewasp · 14/03/2025 10:16

I'd go with the levelling up for the other kids angle. I'd casually mention that you were thinking of taking the others away as they haven't had chance of a holiday and take it from there.

Delphiniumandlupins · 14/03/2025 10:16

I think it's entirely fair that you simply say that you are ensuring everyone in the family gets a holiday. DS is going with his sister, you and adult DS are taking the younger children. Look for a holiday and accommodation that fits this group. Be very calm and matter of fact that this is not his holiday that you are planning.

Tumbler2121 · 14/03/2025 10:17

Sounds to me as though you need to have a holiday without any of the kids, or you are just taking a lot of your problems with you