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Original poster

Having a wobble- think parents are disappointed in my choice

299 replies

CheekyNameChange123 · 12/03/2025 16:47

Long story short DH has been offered a job abroad. Salary is 3 x what he earns here (take home as new salary is tax free). I have worked hard and have a good job here but have reached the top of my earning potential (approx £50k WTE but I work PT) whereas this new job for DH is starting £150k with a view to earning double that in 10 years.

We have decided to go for it- I will be a SAHP for a few years (we have 2 primary age kids) and then try and find some work as they get older but we can manage fine on DH salary. I know anything can happen but so far we have a great relationship, have been together 10 years and I have savings in my own name if things did go mad. Im also v employable if we ever moved back (healthcare!) so I wouldnt worry about that.

Do I just get on with it? They understand why we are going but also seem really upset that I wont be working, are obviously sad we will be living far away and overall just dont seem happy for us which is different to how I thought they would react.

OP posts:
Ph3 · 12/03/2025 16:52

It really depends on you and what you want. I could never be a stay at home mom, personally. You will have to start all over. I have moved countries twice. I wouldn’t recommend not working as I think it’s how you will built your network

ElbowsUpRising · 12/03/2025 16:54

Will you be happy being a SAHM potentially for ever? It can be hard to get back into the job market once you have stepped off for a few years. What are the job opportunities for you if you are still abroad in a few years and the kids are older and you want to work? Your parents are probably just worried.

Waterlilysunset · 12/03/2025 16:55

Love being a sahm. Yanbu

MedusaAndHerFavourites · 12/03/2025 16:56

Is your husband going to pay into your pension? Is only fair.

VaddaABeetch · 12/03/2025 16:58

I think a lot of women think they’ll pick up where they left off when they take a few years out.

could you keep your hand in 2 day a week?

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 12/03/2025 16:58

Are they potentially worried about where you're going and what rights you will have when you're there? Especially if you are financially dependent?

Original poster
CheekyNameChange123 · 12/03/2025 16:59

@MedusaAndHerFavourites Yes he is. @MrsBennetsPoorNerves I expect so- I understand their worries and they are things we have considered as a family and weighed up the pros and cons. I understand the risks of being financially dependent etc but at the moment I feel ok taking that 'risk'. I do worry about losing myself and making friends but Im quite outgoing and happy to put myself out there to get settled and make friends!

OP posts:
SheherazadesSpringNonsense · 12/03/2025 17:00

It maybe depends where you are going - I’ve been a trailing spouse twice and as long as you are in a place with a decent expat population then there will be loads of people in the same boat and you’ll have a ball! Families with two working adults were in the minority, and at least to start with it takes time to find and set up a home, help the children adjust, figure out silly things like supermarkets and banks and all that sort of thing. Plenty of time to work later if you decide you want to - or even do some studying or whatever you find you enjoy. It sounds like a great opportunity and I expect your parents will just miss you. Will they be able to visit?

Honon · 12/03/2025 17:02

What you're proposing carries quite a bit of risk for you. You'll be financially reliant on your husband. You will lose your own career and future earning potential. You might not be able to move countries with your kids if things go wrong. You could find yourself isolated in a new country with no job.

The problem for me is you're shouldering all of the risk here, there's virtually none that your husband is taking on. If I was your parent I'd worry too.

Lots of women do it and it works out fine for many of them but if it goes wrong, it will likely go much worse for you than your DH.

MummytoE · 12/03/2025 17:02

My guess is Dubai??

FamilyAreEverything · 12/03/2025 17:03

Please have in mind that if you are working in a healthcare profession then you may need to do some retraining before returning to work if you are out of work for more than two years.

Original poster
CheekyNameChange123 · 12/03/2025 17:04

@MummytoE Abu Dhabi so v close!

OP posts:
Original poster
CheekyNameChange123 · 12/03/2025 17:05

@Honon I do appreciate that. We feel quite stuck and disillusioned with the UK at the moment though and fancy a change!

OP posts:
ItsFridayIminLoveJS · 12/03/2025 17:05

Go for it.
Join groups/ volunteer... find some outlets for yourself.
I'm sure you will love it.

0ctavia · 12/03/2025 17:13

What would your legal rights be in Abu Dhabi if you and your hisband split up? I assume you would have to stay there to care for your children but would you have the right to work ? If not, how would you support yourself until your youngest child is 18?

Would you get custody of your children or would that automatically go to him ? Same question WRT finances - would he get everything?

A super high salary for him isnt much use to you unless you stay togther. I know no one thinks it will happen to then but its a 4/10 chance. Probably higher as an ex pat couple. So it’s something you need to have a plan for.

YourBestFriend · 12/03/2025 17:14

Who gives a fuck? You need to do what is best for you and your family.
If your parents do not want to support you, fuck them.

Mauro711 · 12/03/2025 17:15

Only do it if you are prepared to live there as a single woman until your kids are adults. In muslim countries the husband has very different rights when it comes to divorce and you will have very few. Nobody goes into it thinking they’ll get divorced but plenty do.

Mulledjuice · 12/03/2025 17:16

Have you really worked through

  1. actual cost of living there for the lifestyle you want including flights home, schooling etc
  2. what happens if things go wrong (you split up/it gets nasty)
  3. what happens when one of you wants to leave and the other doesn't- either back to the UK or somewhere else in the world/your parents get ill and need care
  4. what's your exit plan?

It could work out brilliantly. But be honest with yourselves and have the conversation with him - don't just do all the scenario planning yourself.

EwwSprouts · 12/03/2025 17:17

I would go but on the basis you will review before the children get to secondary school age, not just some open ended potential drift. Sounds like a great job opportunity for your DH but there are so many other factors that may mean it's not for the best long-term for the family.

BatchCookBabe · 12/03/2025 17:21

Honon · 12/03/2025 17:02

What you're proposing carries quite a bit of risk for you. You'll be financially reliant on your husband. You will lose your own career and future earning potential. You might not be able to move countries with your kids if things go wrong. You could find yourself isolated in a new country with no job.

The problem for me is you're shouldering all of the risk here, there's virtually none that your husband is taking on. If I was your parent I'd worry too.

Lots of women do it and it works out fine for many of them but if it goes wrong, it will likely go much worse for you than your DH.

Saved me typing it out. 100% this. ^ Sounds like YOU are the one making the sacrifices @CheekyNameChange123 Wouldn't be for me sorry. You are taking a lot of risk, and I am not surprised that your parents are worried and concerned. Then again, I would never EVER leave the UK, so I probably have a skewed view.

Mauro711 · 12/03/2025 17:23

Apparently if you divorce in UAE everything that is in an individual’s name stay with them. So your husband would keep his pension, savings, investments etc and you’ll keep yours. If you are going to be out of the workforce for years then he will walk away with much more than you presumably.

It’s not a great country to live in as a woman really and chances are that you will miss equality, family, friends etc but your husband won’t want to back to earning a third or sixth of what he will there.

I’m usually all for an adventure and gave lived in 5 countries myself but I wouldn’t go somewhere like that, at least not to live.

KungFuSock · 12/03/2025 17:23

@CheekyNameChange123 have a BIL living there with his family. They really like it out there, and by the looks of things won't be returning anytime soon. Their dc in school there too, so nicely settled.
Usually you can find the expat community, and you will find a lot of SAHP.

The most important thing, is if this is definitely right for you and your family. Because everyone will have an opinion (good or bad), on the situation.

Hope it all goes well!

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 12/03/2025 17:37

It's a tricky one. I would be excited for my dd about most overseas opportunities. I spent a lot of time living abroad when I was younger, and it was fabulous, so of course I would want her to have those adventures. However, being honest, I would be really concerned about her going to UAE as a trailing spouse with young children, and I might find it hard to hide that concern.

At the end of the day, it's your decision, but of course they care about you, and they're thinking about what might happen in the worst case scenario. It sounds like you have made your decision, though, so they will need to accept and respect that. But you can't demand that they be thrilled about it, I'm afraid.

Onlyvisiting · 12/03/2025 17:38

I'm not surprised they are concerned, you are the one taking all the risk here.
Have you got daughters? Have you looked into what your and their rights would be there? A brief Google brought up the below and hell would freeze over before I willingly let my daughters be bound by Islamic law.

https://www.expatica.com/ae/living/gov-law-admin/womens-rights-in-the-united-arab-emirates-71118/

Having a wobble- think parents are disappointed in my choice
redphonecase · 12/03/2025 17:53

I'd be disappointed if my daughter moved to a part of the world where women are 2nd class citizens. Will your DH be paying into a pension in your name? Will you have full access to all the family money? If you're a regulated professional, what about maintaining your licence? Will you come back and work a few weeks each year to keep your hand in? You are throwing a huge hand grenade into your career progression to be a trailing spouse......