Having a wobble- think parents are disappointed in my choice

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Long story short DH has been offered a job abroad. Salary is 3 x what he earns here (take home as new salary is tax free). I have worked hard and have a good job here but have reached the top of my earning potential (approx £50k WTE but I work PT) whereas this new job for DH is starting £150k with a view to earning double that in 10 years.

We have decided to go for it- I will be a SAHP for a few years (we have 2 primary age kids) and then try and find some work as they get older but we can manage fine on DH salary. I know anything can happen but so far we have a great relationship, have been together 10 years and I have savings in my own name if things did go mad. Im also v employable if we ever moved back (healthcare!) so I wouldnt worry about that.

Do I just get on with it? They understand why we are going but also seem really upset that I wont be working, are obviously sad we will be living far away and overall just dont seem happy for us which is different to how I thought they would react.

Putting aside where you are moving to (that’s a personal choice)

Parents should support their kids when they want to do something like this. I will be encouraging my kids to see the world and travel and not necessarily settle within twenty miles of me!!
My next door neighbour was in tears a few weeks ago as her daughter in engaged to someone who lives 25 miles away and she’s terrified they will live there, I just don’t understand the attitude

What are the plans for trying and not liking? Who takes precedence. Not everyone is going to settle equally so having this in place as well

Gosh, so many pessimistic people out there! Do it OP, we did and loved it. We are back in the UK now but loved every minute and grateful for the amount of money we saved.

I have lived abroad and enjoyed it, as have mentioned some of the other posters cautioning OP.

OP simply cannot safeguard against some of the risks to her and her DC in the specific country her H has chosen.

You'd be mad.

Men can change very rapidly, especially in a place where they suddenly realise they hold all of the cards. The sex industry is booming out there, often trafficked slaves, and the male work culture can be repulsive (not that any wives would know about it).

How could any mother put money above moving to a country where it's ok if her and her daughters get raped, as long as they keep shut up about it? What if any of your dc are gay, what will growing up in country where that is not allowed do to them? What will your dc think when they realise you have to ask pernission from your husband for each and every decision and purchase?

I desperately wanted to be a part of western culture for a very good reason. I wouldn't sell mine or my daughters freedom and legal protections for ANY amount of money.

Does the job come with a package covering accommodation/healthcare/schools/flights etc? Is the package for the duration of the time you’ll be there, or does it cover a set time frame after which you’re expected to cover your own living expenses? Check any clauses for what you would need to pay back if your DH leaves his job in a certain time frame - eg if someone leaves within 2 years then they’re liable to pay back the relocation costs/the whole or a portion of the package. This is not uncommon.
Check out repatriation clauses and also termination rules. People can and do get stung - check how long the visa would persist if your DH were to lose or leave his job. Ie how long you’d have to pack up and take DC out of school etc.
Assuming you’ll be tax resident in UAE, check implications for tax relief on UK pension contributions and ISA contribution restrictions. Whatever you think you’ll save, half it. With the best will in the world, Lifestyle creep is a thing.
I find UAE a bit bland (not my preferred Gulf country although Abu Dhabi is better than Dubai) but can see how it works for families with small children. You’re also a short(er) flight from nice holiday destinations.
Living abroad is an experience but no one can tell you whether it’ll be a good or bad one because it’s so dependent on circumstances.

From the responses of posters who have experience of this I would go.

Presumably it’s a temporary thing for a few years and the kids are young. It’s a great place to be a primary school aged kid. It’s still an Ok play to be a young teen. I would t have kids there bast the age of about 14 though but I don’t think the op is in this position. People really are scaremongering.

We enjoyed AD so I say yes, go.

There's a lot of bureaucracy so please ensure the company are handling that and check what the salary needs to cover. If the 3x includes housing and schooling, that will take half. Apparently housing has gone crazy.

I'm a teacher so couldn't pay into my pension. It didn't bother us, we invested our money other ways. I didn't intend to work but was bored after half a term so did supply. Teaching contacts are only full time.

My parents came for Christmas and usually for another break as well.

It's a different life, you'll make great friends, and you'll have stresses. We wrote a blog, I'll check if it's still live.

Can I ask why you are surprised at your parents reaction OP? Surely most people would be sad that their daughter and grandchildren are moving to another continent? I'd be more offended if they weren't a bit disappointed in a way!

I get that it's a good opportunity and exciting,so you want them to feel excited for you, but people aren't robots and have their own feelings too (no matter how much many Mumsnet posters seem to expect perfect selflessness and well handled emotions from parents). And apart from missing you, there are also the natural concerns people have expressed on this thread already. I think you are expecting too much to think the reaction would be 100% positive. That's not to say you should change your mind, but accept they are allowed their feelings about this.

Isn't the UAE somewhere where you'll actually live in an ex-pat bubble with other people from the UK and other Western countries? It doesn't sound like somewhere where you would mix with the locals and learn the language and send your kids to school with local children.

I’ve lived in that region op as a stay at home mum of young children; I’d say go for it! They were the best years of my life.
It should be easy to make friends; there’s a huge expat community.
The schools contain a host of nationalities so your children will become more aware and accepting of other cultures.
The extra salary will make a huge difference to your family and I’ve seen families where one partners salary has taken off and they’ve ended up hugely wealthy.
The only caveat is that you need somewhere to stay in the summer. It’s boiling hot and most of the expat wives disappear back to their home countries. Would there be any possibility of you keeping a small empty flat in the Uk, close to your parents? You could stay in it for around 10 weeks in the summer and have the best of both worlds. Good luck!

You sound delightful.

I think being solely dependent on a man even in this country is hugely risky let alone abroad. Is he making pension contributions for you? Will this country allow you to remove your children from him in the event of a break up and return home? I’d be concerned if this was my daughter. I’d also be concerned about this country and how they treat and view women. My DH and I simply wouldn’t consider these places on a moral level no matter how much money was getting thrown around.

No, in the UAE OP will have very few rights and she will definitely not be allowed to return to the UK with the children. It's one of the most patririarchal countries on the planet that her husband wants her to move to. It's quite a scary thought to be dependent on a man under those cirmustances.

That really isn’t true. I found the UAE a hellish place to live in for many reasons, and being a trailing spouse is never a good idea, but him having extra privilege for being a man, over and above general male privilege, isn’t a specific UAE issue.

OP, I would share your parents’ concerns. Have you ever even been to the UAE?

Go for it. Liived in Abu Dhabi. It's a great place to bring up children, although it has gone quite expensive.
Take advantage of having a couple of years with the DC and then go back to work in Abu Dhabi. You don't say what you do job wise, but you can work there.
I did and so did all my friends. Excellent British schools too.
No brainer for me.

This isnt necessarily true. 150k isnt a massive income out there. When you take into consideration housing costs, living costs, insurances, school fees for your children etc, there wont be a huge amount of the 150k a year left to save for you future/retirement.

As long are you are married you are entitled to half his pension anyway

Not in UAE you're not, that's the point.

I just couldn't get beyond allowing my DC to be raised in a society that treats women the way they do, at the same time as setting them the example that dad's career is way more important than mum's.

Boys or girls, that's not the lesson/experience I'd want for them.

Plus all the other risks highlighted here, that really do happen to women who went believing they were living the dream with a lovely man...

Anyway, I'm not surprised your parents aren't unconditionally thrilled about it.

there is a lot of scaremongering on here! We spent a number of years living very happily in the UAE (now back in the UK). my parents were similarly disappointed about us going - that largely reflected their own very closeted existence where an exotic holiday was a trip to the south coast. my husband's parents however, who themselves had lived a long time overseas, were very supportive. the UAE is an amazing place and there are fab lifestyle and career benefits to giving it a go there. if you're keeping a house etc in the UK, then you can easily return should things not go well.

Hi OP. I haven’t read the full thread, but in case nobody else has suggested, you would be wise to ensure your future pension is not impacted by having a private pension in your name, that he contributes to, throughout the time you are not working.

I didn’t do this, in a similar situation, and naively assumed that in the unlikely event that we divorced, I would be entitled to half of his generous pension. It turned out that I was wrong, or at least it turned out I didn’t have the money to pay for a good enough solicitor in the country I was in to dispute that.

So now I am divorced and back in the UK, working in a good professional job (though far below where I probably would have been, had I stayed in the UK and worked throughout). I have very limited pension funding though - some private from before I went - so I am now having to build that up and will not be able to retire until full retirement age.

Because of that lack, I am also still working full time, despite chronic illness, because I am trying to do things at 55, which I should have been doing over a lifetime, but stopped doing for twenty or so years. Even though I did eventually get part time work, it won’t have yielded much and certainly didn’t give enough for me to put anything away privately.

So my personal feedback would be to go for it. It was an amazing experience for me to live in a different country, but protect and build up your pension and insist on it, even if that feels a bit uncomfortable. I had asked my ex how it would be if he died, but didn’t ask about divorce as that seemed rude. It wasn’t, it was something I really should have faced head on as, however well you know someone, things can always change.

It seems you really want to go so go for it; you will never know if you don’t try. Many people do it for similar reasons (money)

I wouldn’t like to live in the ME so glad not to have that dilemma. An acquaintance just moved to Qatar with her husband for similar reasons; luckily she can work from anywhere. They don’t have and rented the house so can come back if things don’t work out,

Hope things work out for you and your family

This absolutely. Bear in mind if it goes belly up and you move back to uk, you’d not have accumulated NI contributions like you would as SAHM in uk. So not just private pension but a potential uk state pension.

id also be looking at home paying into my account “salary”, direct form his, and then you both contributing to household expenses in way you do now. You are doing what you’re doing to enable his carer. I know it is all “martial pot” but do not allow yourself over time be dependant on his “generosity” to pass to you his wage increases too. Do not be that SAHM who has to ask for money, or argue about how money is used in family.

you’re doing him a favour- he pays you a pension and a salary, with increases in line with his increases.

also think about kids, in terms of custody, if you decide to return home and he stays and you divorce…ok worse case scenario but ensure you know what you’re doing in terms of being able to come home if he doesn’t want to.

personally, if you’re in healthcare, why can’t you get a job out there? Even low paid low hours?

whilst SAHMing may suit some women, all too often it seems deal is SAHM does everything in terms of chores, mental load, child rearing, taxi deriving, admin assistance. Then dh expects that - way too comfortable for him to do easy job of going into work each day, coming home and checking out his brain and body to do as he pleases with all his additional leisure time. When mums try to go back into work, they find dh has got stuck in this comfort and won’t pick up his fair share again. It happens even on maternity leave, let alone SAHM. And once back at work, You will find it hard to catch up with your peer group in terms of career progression. Unconscious bias around mothers is bad enough, in terms of progression, let alone if you’ve taken time out .

your parents are naturally concerned. They raised youto be independent, and to be able to have choices about your future. You are giving that up to be dependant on a man. I’d be concerned about a daughter of mine doing that. I’d certainly be saying dh needs to pay you a salary and pension, to keep your independence.

I think it’s about what you want and how you feel. You say you will only be a stay at home parent for a few years. Financially it sounds like a good plan. I know people who have come out of health based careers and gone back in. Or maybe it will give you time to retrain. I think parents sometimes try to live the ambitions they did not meet through their children.

I'd absolutely never even visit let alone move to live in a country under muslim law where women are second class citizens regardless of their religion of choice.
If, heaven forbid, you were raped, you'd be the criminal, having extra marital sex that could land you in prison, on top of the trauma of being raped. Your husband has all the rights to control you in every way, including what you can and cannot spend. Once you're there, you give up all your rights to bring your kids home without his permission. If he decides to end your relationship, you're forced out of the country as your spousal visa is nullified and you're at his mercy if the kids can come back to the UK with you, or if he finds them a new mum. The kids preference of coming home won't be considered.
If you have daughters they will not be treated better than adult women just because they are kids, they'll be second class citizens too. And if either of your children aren't straight? Thats a crime they could go to prison for, and middle eastern prisons are not pleasant places.
If you have sons, you're taking them somewhere in their formative years that they'll be taught theyre superior to women and can treat their partners however they want (domestic abuse including spousal rape being legal, wives bound to serve their husbands, the man having all control and power over money, ability to leave etc) which won't serve them well if/when you move back to the UK or a none muslim country. As much as you try to instill your own morals in their upbringing, being in a country where they're taught at all other avenues that theyre superior, could lead to them being rather arsehole partners in their teens/adulthood.Teaching someone from a young age that they're superior to half the population based on their gender leads to a lot of narcisism.

What is a large salary here, isn't as big as you think it is there. Yes, your husbands salary will triple, but you lose your salary, so youre going from 100k combined to 150k just him, but in a country where the higher costs will eat up plenty of that extra 50k. I really don't think you're going to be saving up as much money as you think you will. With it halting all contributions to future state pensions too, is it really worth it?

I adore my fiance, he has shown nothing but love and respect for me, and he's not remotely controlling of finances etc, and i don't foresee him ever leaving me, cheating on me etc. But despite all of that, if he was set on moving to the UAE, i wouldn't go with him. I'd be losing the love of my life and my entire future, but i couldn't respect and stay with a man who clearly doesn't respect me, knowing how I'd be viewed and treated as lesser out there, and the risks i'd face and the vulnerabilities I'd have. Especially just for the sake of a bit more money.