I cannot do this anymore

[appletreecidertree]

Every time we go away my friend wants to use my house for something. This time, it's the kitchen as hers is being ripped out and replaced. Previously, it was the garden (we have a large garden with private access to a river at the bottom of the garden, she thought it would be nice to have at her disposal in the summer we were away). She has her own house and garden (no river). In other times, it's been to use the shower for a week when her bathroom was being replaced.

It seems that every time we plan to go away, she wants access to our house. I feel very very awkward saying no. I feel extremely uncomfortable being put in these award positions every.single.time. Tbh, the stress of it is making me ill.

Why is it making you ill? It’s very normal for you to say no, what’s awkward is her coming up with all of these sham reasons to be let in!

Is your friend under the impression that you want someone checking up on the house while you’re away? Do they have a key?

You are well within your rights to say no. Just say no! Or, as they say on mumsnet: “no is a complete sentence!”

Is the thought of confrontation making you ill? You have a choice,you can continue saying yes or you can say that it doesn't work for you.

Tell her how you feel
Or stop telling her when you're going away

i would change the locks, she prob has a key cut, then I would just go away and not say anything

‘We’ve got family staying. They’re private types. Ask another neighbour.’

She sounds hideous.

Tell her you have a relative staying who will be wfh whilst they are there if you find it hard to say no and then everytime she asks say the same so that she soon gets the idea x

@Maitri108 yes, the confrontation is making me feel ill. I don't do it. Ever. When I say no she will get the arse, I know exactly what she is going to say (cannot say on here as outting). Nothing nasty, just a thought she has that she will openly air.

Tell her it will invalidate your home insurance (it actually might do).

I would be saying no 😭😭

Its awkward yes, but its her fault x

OP you really need to reframe this. She’s going to get arsey over not being allowed into someone else’s home while they’re away - do you not find that highly embarrassing? I’d be mortified if my friend acted like that. She sounds like a complete moocher. Why do you need her as a friend?

Don't tell her you are going away, or get your partner to tell her that you have changed your contents insurance provider and allowing other people in while you are away will invalidate it.

Then change your locks and lock your garden gate.

She doesn't sound like much of a friend TBH.

It's very normal to say no in this situation.

Say no, straight out. And then you can let her get herself into whatever state she wishes. Why do you think you need to pay attention to what she says??

Why do you make room for friends in your life that you make you feel this way?

Can your DP tell her no. Don't tell her when you're going away.

Get in first then. Say "no, and I know exactly what you're gonna say next and the answers still no".

Are you saying she has something over you and will threaten to disclose it if you decline? She sounds like a peach

Will this thought harm you in any way if she expresses it?

I'm sorry but I've never heard of anything so ridiculous in my life - just who does she think she is!

tell her you have a flea infestion next time you go away

She sounds like a nightmare. Also, has she offered any recompense for using your electricity/water etc? Tell her you can't afford to just let her use the house as her personal bolt hole anymore.

What do you get from this friendship? (If aspects of it make you unwell, it's not a friendship btw).

I understand. Unfortunately when you let people get their way all the time, some will walk all over you. You've got someone who bullies you as a friend.

Assertiveness is like a muscle, you have to use it to build up it's strength. I recommend starting small and building up.

This is a big task and in this instance can anyone help? A friend or your partner? Can someone speak to her on your behalf and tell her no.

I would read up on assertiveness, use some stock phrases such as "That doesn't work for me." "Let me think about it." and so on.

You might find the Six Pillars of Self Esteem helpful and there are books on assertiveness and boundaries.

I do understand how you feel. I am very similar. Try to tell yourself that you don't depend on her good will.
I get that most people would just say no but I probably couldn't. In your shoes I would probably try and avoid her and if (when) she does ask I would lie and use the suggestion regarding your house insurance above. I would also change the locks as previously suggested. If she finds out just say you lost your keys.

I am cringing for your neighbour - I mean, who would ever ask this of a friend ?! Don’t tell her when you go away, just go.

and I agree with pp’s change the locks !

Wtf

She's an utter freeloader

Just say no