I cannot do this anymore

[appletreecidertree]

Every time we go away my friend wants to use my house for something. This time, it's the kitchen as hers is being ripped out and replaced. Previously, it was the garden (we have a large garden with private access to a river at the bottom of the garden, she thought it would be nice to have at her disposal in the summer we were away). She has her own house and garden (no river). In other times, it's been to use the shower for a week when her bathroom was being replaced.

It seems that every time we plan to go away, she wants access to our house. I feel very very awkward saying no. I feel extremely uncomfortable being put in these award positions every.single.time. Tbh, the stress of it is making me ill.

Stop telling her you are going to be away and say no sorry. It’s not hard is it?

I mean, realistically I can't think of any friend of mine that would behave like this. This suggests to me that she is not a friend. More of a user. Don't worry about it. Sounds like it will be her loss not yours if you are no longer 'friends'. Life is literally too short for this shit.

The friend can't be blamed because you can't say no

I really don't get how she dares ask. Would any of us on here dare ask a friend if we could enter their private living space whilst they are away?? It's totally abnormal.

She’s no friend.

Surely someone like this will definitely use the garden anyway? Is there any way you can block access —is there a lockable gate?

She’s a knob, btw. Well done for saying no.

Ask her WHY do you always need to use my house?

You never need to use my house when I'm at home?

So you not find it weird that you're always asking?! It's a very strange request.

Why are you pissed off I've said no? Am I being unreasonable?

I hope she hasn't got a key - or has made her own copy. I would think about this and make plans to change the lock.
I would also look at getting a ring type doorbell and rear cameras, if you don't already. Also change your alarm code if you have one.

When I say no she will get the arse

You need to not give two shits about this. Her getting the arse is infinitely better than you feeling like this (ill, angry, scared etc) and letting her stay. If/when she gets arsey, just say 'I knew you'd get like this and it's one of the reasons I have to say no. Friendships shouldn't be like this." If she wants to fall out with you about it, so be it, you've only lost a shit friend. It's fine to say no and enjoy your holiday in peace. Do change your locks though.

Looks like the options are to let her walk all over you or kick off
Decide which you prefer

This

Just saw your update - well done! Stick to your guns. Let her be pissed off, you've done nothing wrong.

I had this with someone and gave her dates two weeks after our planned holiday. When she questioned me and I didn’t waver, the penny dropped that I’d done it deliberately so she stopped.
Ignore her being pissed off. This is her problem not yours. Your home is not her annexe.

She's planning her life around your holidays

Well done OP, I know how hard that was for you.

That's OK. Her being cross won't make the sky fall in.

Sometimes it's actually a good thing because once you realise the world doesn't end when someone is cross then it makes it less scary to stand up for yourself next time.

The fear of something is quite often worse than the reality

Well now you know she doesn't appreciate what you have done for her, she looks at it as her right for you to cater to her every whim. And now you know you don't need to do it any more, ever.

No ‘friend’ is worth this - just say no…..and bye!

Stop telling her that you are going away then she will be non the wiser - unless she has a key to your home. In that case you need to get the key back.

I mean I would be happy to have my friends using my house if they wanted, I don't understand why it's such a problem for you. You haven't listed any good reasons why you don't want to, like they break things or leave the front door wide open or something.

But it if was a problem for me, I wouldn't tell them I was going away.

If I trusted someone enough to tell them I was going away (and therefore leaving my house empty), I'd like and trust them enough to let them use my house while I was gone.

Good for you. Let Cadging Carole spin like a top.
I am not sure what it is she ‘has’ on you, but people are far too busy to be interested.
Unless you’ve murdered someone and put them under the patio, don’t worry about it.
What you have done here is good for your self worth, Do not back down.
I would question continuing the friendship because she’s not your friend.
I would also consider changing the locks.

It's a bit weird this happens every time? I mean, I could understand if on a specific occassion, knowing you're away, a friend asked if they could use your house for a specific reason - no bathroom at home. But how on earth is this somethign for everytime? To me, it smacks of someone who, fo rsome reason, is making excuses to get access to your home. So absolutely say no.

If you know what her reaction to this sort of thing is going to be, you need to arm yourself in advance. In this case, you need to point out that she has no claim to a right to access to your house and you've done her more than enough favours in the past.

Why do people feel the need to respond like this? The OP is clearly stressed about this and you’re invalidating that by calling them ridiculous! Not everyone is comfortable with being confrontational or saying no, it’s a trait in certain personalities.
You also have the username “AnxiouslyAwaitingSpring” - why are you so anxious about a forthcoming season? “Don’t be ridiculous”

Maybe Op just doesn't want to?
Its her house and she has every right to not have someone staying there when she goes away and is under no obligation to provide any "good reasons"