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Original poster

I cannot do this anymore

197 replies

appletreecidertree · 11/03/2025 14:56

Every time we go away my friend wants to use my house for something. This time, it's the kitchen as hers is being ripped out and replaced. Previously, it was the garden (we have a large garden with private access to a river at the bottom of the garden, she thought it would be nice to have at her disposal in the summer we were away). She has her own house and garden (no river). In other times, it's been to use the shower for a week when her bathroom was being replaced.

It seems that every time we plan to go away, she wants access to our house. I feel very very awkward saying no. I feel extremely uncomfortable being put in these award positions every.single.time. Tbh, the stress of it is making me ill.

OP posts:
SnoopyPajamas · 12/03/2025 14:01

SilverDoe · 12/03/2025 11:40

Oh thank goodness the friend is considerate enough not to use OP's house while she is inside it... 🙄

Show quote history

The operative word in that sentence is "friend". If a friend couldn't cook or clean in her own house for a week, and asked to use your facilities instead, most people wouldn't think that was so shockingly unreasonable.

By OP's own admission, her friend does ask for these favours. The problem is that OP can't say no.

Of course it's more considerate not to disturb someone at home on a daily basis, by the way. Not sure what the silly sarcasm is about there. All I'm suggesting is that maybe there was a more considerate reason behind the friend's actions. Maybe the reason she waits for OP to go away, when she needs to ask for this sort of favour, is because she doesn't want to intrude. And maybe OP, who is massively conflict-averse, has unwittingly given her the impression that it's fine and she's happy to help out.

I would rather think the best of a friend than assume the worst. OP obviously struggles to communicate honestly with people. It's not so wild to think this could be a misunderstanding, and not worth binning off a genuine friendship over.

Maia77 · 12/03/2025 14:10

This is manipulation, emotional blackmail, guilt-tripping, pushing boundaries etc. Distance yourself from her. Who needs friends like that.

nfkl · 12/03/2025 14:16

General thought after too many threads like these: assertiveness courses should be compulsory for women, it’s unbelievable

SunDash · 12/03/2025 14:25

You need to put batteries in your CF radar.
She's got to be taking the piss.

TwoRobins · 12/03/2025 14:29

RampantIvy · 11/03/2025 15:06

Don't tell her you are going away, or get your partner to tell her that you have changed your contents insurance provider and allowing other people in while you are away will invalidate it.

Then change your locks and lock your garden gate.

She doesn't sound like much of a friend TBH.

Edited

Second this.

bevm72yellow · 12/03/2025 14:58

The backlash from the confrontation is the bit that you are dreading. She sees a benefit in you as such, a purpose. She is not thinking about your feelings only her wants. A good friend would accept the phrase " it doesn't work for me/ my family" and then silence. A friend looking for her wants will give backlash or plead or cry get angry or use derogatory comments to you. She may push again or try to keep you on side to get " a want" again. Once you see the behaviour pattern in her or others have general phrases it gets easier to stop them confronting you for their wants.

WeeAgnes · 12/03/2025 15:37

appletreecidertree · 12/03/2025 08:46

Update - I told her no and gave my reasons for this. Can't reveal the reason as outting. She's clearly pissed off with me.

Well done @appletreecidertree
Hopefully she won't ask again but don't hold your breath!
Try not to stress over her reaction.
Honestly, she is the odd one.
In all my 50 odd years alive on this earth, I have not heard of anything so preposterous, ever!
How did this even start to become a thing anyway? How long have you known her?
Is she like this in her life generally - expecting everyone to accommodate her wishes at their own expense?
Very bizarre behaviour!

Purplecatshopaholic · 12/03/2025 15:48

Well done on saying no. Who cares if she’s pissed off - stick to your guns you will feel better for it.

cheezncrackers · 12/03/2025 15:53

appletreecidertree · 12/03/2025 08:46

Update - I told her no and gave my reasons for this. Can't reveal the reason as outting. She's clearly pissed off with me.

The hide on some people - honestly! She's pissed off because you're not letting her have free run of your house while you're away? FFS! She's a cheeky fucker of the highest order. Hopefully she's so pissed off with you that she'll fuck off out of your life and you'll never have to deal with her cheeky fuckery any more. I can't stand people like this.

DisforDarkChocolate · 12/03/2025 15:55

Sounds like she's the sort of 'friend' it would do you good to offend.

Charismatica · 12/03/2025 16:16

WeeAgnes · 12/03/2025 15:37

Well done @appletreecidertree
Hopefully she won't ask again but don't hold your breath!
Try not to stress over her reaction.
Honestly, she is the odd one.
In all my 50 odd years alive on this earth, I have not heard of anything so preposterous, ever!
How did this even start to become a thing anyway? How long have you known her?
Is she like this in her life generally - expecting everyone to accommodate her wishes at their own expense?
Very bizarre behaviour!

Show quote history

Totally agree. Outrageous behaviour, she sounds like a bully.

Well done for being strong! Never agree to her contemptible attempts to intimidate you again.

Keep praising yourself for having dealt so admirably with the situation and never look back.

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 12/03/2025 16:19

Poster on here last summer whose neighbour asked could she use her garden while she was on holiday as she had a hot tub… and wanted to host some pool-style parties with other neighbours and their teenagers.
Poster said no.
She had a security system and the cheeky mare did it anyway.
I think one of the poster’s teenagers had give a key to one of the other teenagers under pressure.
When questioned Poolside Pam was most affronted and then proceeded to tell the neighbours she’d had full permission.

Toptotoe · 12/03/2025 16:20

Well done on telling her. I would still change your locks and get one of those remote cameras set up in the garden though .

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 12/03/2025 16:21

Toptotoe · 12/03/2025 16:20

Well done on telling her. I would still change your locks and get one of those remote cameras set up in the garden though .

The cheek of people.

Endofyear · 12/03/2025 16:29

appletreecidertree · 12/03/2025 08:46

Update - I told her no and gave my reasons for this. Can't reveal the reason as outting. She's clearly pissed off with me.

That's ok. Let her. You're not responsible for her reaction. Hopefully if you keep saying no, she'll stop asking!

ExpressCheckout · 12/03/2025 16:40

She has her own house and garden (no river)

Oh my, how on earth does she manage? Flowers

Normallynumb · 12/03/2025 17:23

Who cares if she’s pissed off with you? She now knows you’re not the soft touch she thought you were
continue saying no to any other situation which causes you stress, and your self belief will improve.
please do change the locks. Someone with the hide of a rhino would have got an extra key cut
She's a taker not a giver

IsawwhatIsaw · 12/03/2025 18:17

Of course she’s pissed off. You’ve stood up for yourself when she thought she could use you again. These people have no Shame, only a mind boggling sense of entitlement.

Northernparent68 · 12/03/2025 18:46

Op,do you think it’s a power thing

Fionuala · 12/03/2025 19:10

that is the whole point
you have to piss her off- annoy her what a small price to pay for your own dignity
??

SnoopyPajamas · 12/03/2025 19:25

appletreecidertree · 11/03/2025 15:03

@Maitri108 yes, the confrontation is making me feel ill. I don't do it. Ever. When I say no she will get the arse, I know exactly what she is going to say (cannot say on here as outting). Nothing nasty, just a thought she has that she will openly air.

I'm curious what this was, and if it would change the picture. Especially as you say it's not nasty? That makes it sound like something true it would upset you to hear.

You say confrontation makes you feel ill, but the lengths you've gone to to avoid hearing this "thought" aren't healthy either. You agreed to things you didn't want over and over, then stewed in resentment for months when your friend couldn't read your mind. That's what's making you sick.

Mumsnet loves a cheeky fucker thread (me included) and you've presented your friend as one, so posters have duly lined up to give her a pasting. But you're the one who couldn't say no to her. Of course she thinks you're fine with what she's doing! Of course she keeps asking. Why wouldn't she? You've given her no reason not to.

Original poster
appletreecidertree · 13/03/2025 10:33

@SnoopyPajamas her expected response would not have changed the picture what so ever. What I expected her to say would have been nothing upsetting to me, more of a sarcastic 'I told you so' type of thing.

She is still pissed at me. This is clear from her texts and lack of texts, unless I am grossly misreading them/the situation. I feel like I am being made to feel that I have done something wrong.

I have changed the gate code to the house, only me and DH now know this for 110% sure. Friends & family can potentially see the code as we type it in when they are with us. The house has cameras. Some of these were not working, I have sorted the issue and all are now up and running.

I give her too much head space. Even in bed this morning while enjoying the alarm snooze for an extra 10 minutes (bliss!), I found myself thinking about this situation - and past situations - where I have begrudgingly done things for her to my inconvenience/detriment/gone out of my way and which have occasionally pissed DH off (which we have subsequently argued about at the time).

At times I have felt like she has treated as though I am her PA. I have a FT job and it does not involve her !

There has been another poster who has previously posted about doing lots of favours for a friend, I can't recall the posters name. I feel that posters pain.

OP posts:
SnoopyPajamas · 13/03/2025 13:32

appletreecidertree · 13/03/2025 10:33

@SnoopyPajamas her expected response would not have changed the picture what so ever. What I expected her to say would have been nothing upsetting to me, more of a sarcastic 'I told you so' type of thing.

She is still pissed at me. This is clear from her texts and lack of texts, unless I am grossly misreading them/the situation. I feel like I am being made to feel that I have done something wrong.

I have changed the gate code to the house, only me and DH now know this for 110% sure. Friends & family can potentially see the code as we type it in when they are with us. The house has cameras. Some of these were not working, I have sorted the issue and all are now up and running.

I give her too much head space. Even in bed this morning while enjoying the alarm snooze for an extra 10 minutes (bliss!), I found myself thinking about this situation - and past situations - where I have begrudgingly done things for her to my inconvenience/detriment/gone out of my way and which have occasionally pissed DH off (which we have subsequently argued about at the time).

At times I have felt like she has treated as though I am her PA. I have a FT job and it does not involve her !

There has been another poster who has previously posted about doing lots of favours for a friend, I can't recall the posters name. I feel that posters pain.

Well, now I'm confused. Your previous comment - the one about how you never do confrontation, ever - made it sound as if the reason you avoided confronting her was because you didn't want to hear this comment. (Whatever it was.) Now you say it wouldn't have upset you at all. You've already told us it wasn't anything nasty. So . . . if this wasn't the reason you wouldn't confront her, what was?

The answer, of course, is you. You don't like confrontation. You don't like saying no.

You're the reason you've been feeling sick about this and sitting up having sleepless nights over it. You're the reason you've been arguing with your husband. Your friend could be the biggest cheeky fucker in the world, but it wouldn't matter if you were just capable of telling her no. All your problems are because you keep saying yes when you mean no, and saying nothing when you're unhappy with her.

SnoopyPajamas · 13/03/2025 13:43

You probably think I'm unfair for saying so, but that is the real reason all this is eating you up inside. You need to start asserting yourself more. Your friend won't be the last person to ask for something you don't want to give. It's not healthy to say yes to someone's face and then resent them for months, because they didn't know deep down you actually wanted to say no. Most people just don't think that deeply about it. They don't know you helped them but secretly begrudged them the whole time. They may not know you inconvenienced yourself or fought with your husband over it. They're taking you at face value, so of course it comes out of the blue when you suddenly snap. Of course feelings get hurt and people then become angry at you.

Even now, you're avoiding the issue. You gave her a made-up "reason" she can't stay, instead of just telling her the truth. You say you think she's pissed off at you, but you don't know for sure, and you won't just ask her. It's the same pattern of behaviour. People pleasing and avoiding conflict.

She didn't force you to be "her PA". You went along with it! Be angry at her if it makes you feel better, but you had a role in this too, and if you don't look at that, you're just going to rinse and repeat the cycle with someone else.

SnoopyPajamas · 13/03/2025 13:53

By the way, dead serious but . . . can I ask why you called this woman a friend?

Is there anything you actually like about her? Because it's not coming across if there is. She's been piled on this whole thread, and you haven't said one nice thing about her. Nothing in her defense. You've assumed the worst of her at every turn. Your main feeling about her seems to be resentment.

If she is as bad as you've painted her, just stop seeing her. The way you treat each other isn't friendship, and you'd both be better off.