I cannot do this anymore

[appletreecidertree]

Every time we go away my friend wants to use my house for something. This time, it's the kitchen as hers is being ripped out and replaced. Previously, it was the garden (we have a large garden with private access to a river at the bottom of the garden, she thought it would be nice to have at her disposal in the summer we were away). She has her own house and garden (no river). In other times, it's been to use the shower for a week when her bathroom was being replaced.

It seems that every time we plan to go away, she wants access to our house. I feel very very awkward saying no. I feel extremely uncomfortable being put in these award positions every.single.time. Tbh, the stress of it is making me ill.

I wouldn’t upset my husband over my friends tbh this has gone way too far. I’m glad you said no, if I was you I’d be distancing myself and kissing goodbye to that ‘friend’. You don’t need people like this in your life.

Say your insurance won’t pay out if she damages the house so you can’t risk it.

saying no gets easier. I mean what is she ACTUALLY going to be able to do to you? Big girl knickers and just do it. I find practicing what you are going to say helps. I present as big tough nothing worries me but I am really not like that.

She's not a friend if you can't say no to her, she's a user.

Sorry x but I’m going to give it a super clean before I go and would like to leave it empty. Some people are super cheeky.

I am extremely non-confrontational but even I wouldn't have this. It's odd!

I would also stop telling her exactly when you are going away as you are giving her an in.

@appletreecidertree Let her be pissed!
The cheeky baggage has some brass neck using your home like this-
She realises the worm has turned- that you are no longer a pushover!
WELL DONE👍👍👍👍

People as conflict averse as you are usually top conflict resolvers, once they acquire the knack of doing it. It is perfectly logical - those who hate conflict are best at thinking backwards from the result they want, and then finding the least offensive way to say it, because they don't want it to blow up. Here the result is not that she doesn't stay in your house, but that she doesn't mind not staying in your house, so you can then think about the appropriate things to say to get to that point. I think you could legitimately say "Oh, I told my (spurious) friend or family member that you've enjoyed staying a few times when we've been away, so I promised her she could do that this time around". What is she going to do with that? She can't argue that her need is greater than your friend's, because you aren't going to tell her what the other friend's need is, beyond simply saying that she asked to do it. She can't argue that her being there is better than it laying empty - it isn't going to lay empty in this alternative universe. I don't really see what possible comeback she can create that will make you feel bad, because if she does kick off, you can just serenely watch her do it, knowing that she's being entirely unreasonable. I would, however, get those locks changed - it's a pain, but I really think you need to do that for your own peace of mind.

Word. ☝️

She’s got a massive cheek.

Bollox to that!
Freddie Freeloader doesn’t need or deserve an explanation.

No is all she needs to know.

Faffing and Fannying about with excuses gives her an in in future.

”No!” Is all she needs to hear.

A true friend would never ask like this.

I sometimes think that half the problem is seeing answering a request / demand with 'no I'm not comfortable with that / No, that doesn't work for me / No, I'd rather not' as a confrontation. It isn't confrontation, it's the answer to a question.

If someone asks it is OK to give the answer you prefer.
A question is not an obligation.

In the UK we seem to have a big issue with this, squirming about, preferring lies (insurance / relatives staying / fleas) or some passive aggressive response or just summering and seething until the whole friendship blows up or temper is lost.

Answering a question , even if the answer is not what the person wanted , is not confrontation, it is communication.

Americans and Spanish people, for example, don't seem to carry on like this.

Well done, OP. I hope you listened to the posters suggesting you change the locks and get a lockable garden gate. People like your “friend”, are perfectly likely to decide what you don’t know won’t bother them.

OP well done for telling her no. I found that when I stopped bending over backwards and people pleasing, those people who always took advantage then started seeing me as being "difficult" or "having my back up" and got annoyed with me. I still find it hard not to let this bother me, but what does help is knowing that I've held my boundary and any normal person that actually cared about me would be totally fine with that and respect it. Them being pissed off just shows they don't care about you, only themselves, and you are in the right.
If you asked the same thing of your friend, and she said no sorry I'm not comfortable with it - would you even think to be pissed off? No. Because you're a normal considerate person.
She can feel annoyed, but that's on her not you.

I hope you see your friend for who she really is and hopefully this is a good step in starting to stand up for yourself a bit in these situations moving forward:-)

No, sorry, that won't be possible.

Repeat.

You did the right thing telling her no. You don't even need to give her a reason, just no.
She's being weird.
If she's pissed off, she's not a true friend.

She is not your friend. Really, she's not.

Saying no must have been really tough, so well done!

If she badgers you about it, she's not respecting your boundaries - at that point, get your DH to tell her to back off.

I really wouldn't piss off my DH over an entitled mare like your 'friend'.

She isn't a friend OP. I would never presume this of any of my friends and if I did for whatever reason and they said no I wouldn't sulk. Just make sure she doesn't try and wear you down over the weeks before you go away. I would double bolt your back gate if it's easy access and maybe change the front door locks. But going forward you don't need to be her friend. She doesn't sound very nice anyway.

Sounds like you'd be better off if she stayed pissed off with you and the friendship is over. If she does "get over it", you might want to consider whether YOU want to retain the friendship. She sounds awful.

This, to be honest. OP is painting her friend as a complete nut who just wants to be in her house all the time, but there seem to have been a fair reason every time. It's not much fun to be without access to a kitchen or bathroom for a week. It's likely the friend would have asked for OP's help in those circumstances either way. She may have thought she was being considerate by waiting until OP went on holiday to do these things, so as not to get under her feet.

The incident with her wanting to sit out by the river isn't necessarily nefarious either. You could just have misunderstood each other, OP. Maybe she thought she was keeping an eye on the place while you're away, and the trade-off was that she got to sit and relax in her friend's garden for a while, away from the kids. I know people who've had burst pipes and break-ins while away, and who always ask a friend to check up on the house as a result. Is it possible your friend thought you had a similar arrangement, OP?

If you have got the wrong end of the stick here, it's no wonder she's pissed off! I'd be really hurt to be portrayed in this light by a friend. I like my own space too, but it seems like you don't trust this woman at all, and are ascribing all sorts of batty motives to her. It doesn't seem like much of a friendship, if that's how you feel.

You need to grow a back bone and say no.

In this case, she is blackmailing you. I’d seek legal advice.

Oh thank goodness the friend is considerate enough not to use OP's house while she is inside it... 🙄

The OP has clearly signalled clearly that she is very conflict averse. I agree with your points, but is it not better to give any OP advice that they may be able to take, if you are able to do so, rather than suggest they act in a way that is completely contrary to their natural inclinations? It is the opposite of "bollox" that people who are naturally incredibly conflict averse eventually make the best conflict resolvers. However, they don't do that by turning into "tell 'em straight" merchants. If the Assertiveness classes of the 1970s and 1980s worked, they'd still be running.

I have a friend who used to be a bit like this. It’s something that, once you see it, you notice more and more. It’s also easy to not realise how weird they are being. I mean, can you imagine expecting someone to let you use their garden for a fortnight?

A friend doesn't cause you this much distress. Especially over your own home .
Just ignore her . Limit contact. And enjoy how much less stress you have