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Original poster

I cannot do this anymore

197 replies

appletreecidertree · 11/03/2025 14:56

Every time we go away my friend wants to use my house for something. This time, it's the kitchen as hers is being ripped out and replaced. Previously, it was the garden (we have a large garden with private access to a river at the bottom of the garden, she thought it would be nice to have at her disposal in the summer we were away). She has her own house and garden (no river). In other times, it's been to use the shower for a week when her bathroom was being replaced.

It seems that every time we plan to go away, she wants access to our house. I feel very very awkward saying no. I feel extremely uncomfortable being put in these award positions every.single.time. Tbh, the stress of it is making me ill.

OP posts:
Pleasecanyouadviseme · 12/03/2025 09:42

I had this, well this request - it was so she could meet the man she was shagging behind her dh back!

CarrieOnComplaining · 12/03/2025 09:42

Well done OP.

Don’t rise or respond to her being pissed off, grey rock.

It is really important that you stick to this if giving in to her demands leaves your DH pissed off. He should not have to bear the brunt of the results of her bullying and your people pleasing. She has no right to your house.

She’s pissed off? Fine, that’s up to her. Shake it off like dogs shake, and get on with your day, pleased with yourself.

ValentinesGranny · 12/03/2025 09:44

I've offered family and close friends the use of my shower if their bathroom is being done, or to do washing if their machine suddenly breaks. That's normal.
It sounds like she plans her renovations for when you're away. I'm glad you've said no. Most people either put up with the mess or book somewhere. I'll wager she doesn't return the favour...

Katbum · 12/03/2025 09:46

It’s very brave of you OP to stand up for yourself. Your friend is being extremely cheeky. It is your home, not a stopover place for her. ‘No is no’.

LadyKenya · 12/03/2025 09:49

Pleasecanyouadviseme · 12/03/2025 09:42

I had this, well this request - it was so she could meet the man she was shagging behind her dh back!

How disgusting. Wanting to take a strange man into your home, for that purpose. Yuk.

MissDoubleU · 12/03/2025 09:49

It is very, very suspicious that she suddenly finds a reason to have access to your property when you aren’t home. Always while you’re away.

The fact she is pissed at you proves this isn’t a friendship, she is taking advantage of you. You’ve done the right thing.

ItGhoul · 12/03/2025 09:52

appletreecidertree · 11/03/2025 15:03

@Maitri108 yes, the confrontation is making me feel ill. I don't do it. Ever. When I say no she will get the arse, I know exactly what she is going to say (cannot say on here as outting). Nothing nasty, just a thought she has that she will openly air.

Why on earth are you even friends with this woman who apparently bullies you to the point of making you ill?

Mudkipper · 12/03/2025 09:53

I would not only say no, I would reduce contact with her. She sounds like a bully.

Sixpence39 · 12/03/2025 10:02

Are you really friends then? If my friend needed to use my bathroom because she was having work done it would go without saying she could use mine - whether I was at home or not - and i could do same with her. She'd just need to ask. Seems very strange to be so worked up about it unless you don't like or trust her. It's not as if she'll be in the way as you're not even there!

Crazybaby123 · 12/03/2025 10:05

That is really weird of your friend. Reframe it in your head, she is being weird and intrusive, you are being resonable by saying no.

Bluenotgreen · 12/03/2025 10:06

Well done. Just leave it now. She’s pissed off. So what? Let her be pissed off.

CharlieUniformNovemberTangoYankee · 12/03/2025 10:06

Good for you putting your foot down. It's not easy the first time you say no to a cheeky fucker, but it gets easier and is so liberating!

Saz12 · 12/03/2025 10:19

If it happened just the once ("our shower has broken, would you mind if we used yours for a few days until it's fixed?") I'd not mind. It's not CFery to ask for a favour from a friend occasionally. But it's outrageous to be pissy if the friend says no!!! And bizarre to ask regularly, every time you're away.

The garden access - I mean, if she was coming in to water it ir weed then I'd not begrudge her hanging out at the river afterwards. Otherwise it's like saying "your house is nicer than mine, I'll just have it whilst you're not using it."

Daysgo · 12/03/2025 10:22

She's not a friend

oakleaffy · 12/03/2025 10:23

Frenchfemme · 11/03/2025 15:03

Tell her it will invalidate your home insurance (it actually might do).

@appletreecidertree Was going to say exactly this.
She sounds horrid.

AbitSceptical · 12/03/2025 10:27

Well done OP for saying no, I’m cheering you on. It takes courage when you’re afraid of confrontation, but now you’ve done it once, you can do it again. Let her be pissed off, she’s a crap friend.

Canonicalhours · 12/03/2025 10:29

I say this with the best of intentions OP, but have you thought about therapy or assertiveness training or something? This isn't a sly dig, but you sound in so much distress from the dynamic here. I understand how hard confrontation can be, but you shouldn't have to feel this much stress.

UrbanFan · 12/03/2025 10:32

No need to make excuses. Just say no or get your other half to do it. If she gets a strop then she is not really your friend.

I think she's got a bloody cheek and would tell her so.

MissDoubleU · 12/03/2025 10:33

Sixpence39 · 12/03/2025 10:02

Are you really friends then? If my friend needed to use my bathroom because she was having work done it would go without saying she could use mine - whether I was at home or not - and i could do same with her. She'd just need to ask. Seems very strange to be so worked up about it unless you don't like or trust her. It's not as if she'll be in the way as you're not even there!

But if every time you were going away the same friend found a new reason to need access to your home without you being there, would you not find it a little convenient? Why does she never have these issues except when OP is on holiday herself? And now she is angry she isn’t given free unsupervised reign of OP’s home?

If you are really friends and this friend has said yes for everything you’ve ever asked for, including the unbridled trust over their property while away, the first time they say “not this time, I’m sorry” should not be a reason to be angry. You shouldn’t be saying “I understand, thank you for all the times it has been okay, as I recognise I have taken a lot and you have never questioned.”

Hollyhocksandlarkspur · 12/03/2025 10:33

OP please read up/get therapy to deal with fear of confrontation. I used to have this dread and sick feeling when I needed to say no to people but learnt from friend that it was to do with childhood when not obeying meant rejection. To a child it’s life and death. Realising as an adult she actually has no power iver you and the workd won’t end if she doesn’t approve of you is very freeing. I know that being aware of the theory is very different to making changes to your thought patterns and deep instincts, but you have already been very brave and said no😀.

A true friend would not be out to use you, your home, make difficulties for you or punish you for not obeying her. Can you make some more equal decent kindly friends and drop her?

Your garden sounds beautiful. Save it for lovely people!

AdoraBell · 12/03/2025 10:34

Well done OP, she’s not a friend and you are better off without her.

Someonelookedatmypostinghistorysoichanged · 12/03/2025 10:39

The problem is not your piss taking pal. It’s that you need to get a back bone, she’ll be wearing your clothes next, trying out your husband. Gah .. say no.

Crazysnakes · 12/03/2025 10:44

appletreecidertree · 12/03/2025 08:46

Update - I told her no and gave my reasons for this. Can't reveal the reason as outting. She's clearly pissed off with me.

You did well. You should feel really pleased with yourself. It's easy to say that saying no is easy, but sometimes it's not.

Going forward I think what matters most is that you deal with your feelings around saying no, and your fear of the fallout, because that's what the problem really is. You're avoiding saying no because of how it makes you feel. The good news is that this is something you can work on and control.

If your friend wants to take the huff, that's fine. That's her choice. You aren't responsible for her feelings. Let her behave that way, it's not your problem to solve. Trust that she can cope with the way hearing no makes her feel.

Emma6cat · 12/03/2025 10:49

You say no sorry and that you have your reasons and she should respect that. If she gets arsey then she’s not much of a friend. I wouldn’t let this happen in the first place you are not a hostel

DuckieDodgyHedgyPiggy · 12/03/2025 10:52

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 11/03/2025 15:46

It's the anticipation of the confrontation that's making you feel ill. All the more reason to get it over with and say no. If she gets arsey, she gets arsey. It will be an uncomfortable situation, but it will be dealt with. She is a cheeky madam.

Yes, this. Get rid of the anticipation by getting in first: "When we go away this year we won't be having anyone in the house. We just want to lock it up, so you won't be able to use it any more."

But seriously, she doesn't sound like a friend. I'd be putting distance between us. Edit: I should've read the update! Well done.