I cannot do this anymore

[appletreecidertree]

Every time we go away my friend wants to use my house for something. This time, it's the kitchen as hers is being ripped out and replaced. Previously, it was the garden (we have a large garden with private access to a river at the bottom of the garden, she thought it would be nice to have at her disposal in the summer we were away). She has her own house and garden (no river). In other times, it's been to use the shower for a week when her bathroom was being replaced.

It seems that every time we plan to go away, she wants access to our house. I feel very very awkward saying no. I feel extremely uncomfortable being put in these award positions every.single.time. Tbh, the stress of it is making me ill.

I would hate to think someone, even a friend, was poking around in my house when I was away.

She's only pissed off with you, 'cos you finally found your backbone and stood up to her - she's just not used to it! It's not easy sometimes, so well done! And now you've done it once, you should find it a lot easier to assert yourself from now on. Be prepared tho' that she might be that 'friend', who can't stand the thought of you 'winning', and may well come up with other demands!

You have to be firm with her. The worst that can happen is you lose her as a friend - but either way, the problem is solved!

Even if she tells people what's happened, none of them are going to think you're in the wrong.

There's nothing wrong, at all, in not wanting people in your home while you're not there. I don't even like family letting themselves in really (like if they're coming round and we're not home yet or something) but that's nowhere near as bad as your "friend"!

Op keep posting so we can keep you strong. And get a ring alarm.

More difficult now, as you have allowed it in the past. I used to be a total doormat, like you, but I was cured when a dear friend asked to use our holiday flat for several days, which I obviously allowed. Unbeknown to me, she brought her boyfriend and her cat too (never asked me if she could) and the flat now reeks of cigarette smoke, dope smoke and cat piss (nervous cat). I had to rip out the carpets, Zooflora did nothing. Please don't wait till something like that happens to you to cure you of this silly inability to say 'no'.

You should be angry that she is pissed off, OP. How dare she? Well done for saying no. It gets easier once you start and the heavens don't fall in. Let her be pissed off. She's a selfish user by the sound of it.

OP, she is not your friend. She’s demanding, not asking, and the way she’s reacted when you’ve said no, shows she’s a user.
I’ve had this in the past, and had to make a clean break, because some people just won’t take no for an answer and will push you beyond your limit. Again, that’s not a friend.
Please, protect your sanity and don’t bother about her again, unless she makes a genuine apology for being such a twat and promises never to do such a thing again!

Tell her you have a dog sitter staying. ( Even if you don’t own a dog!) 😄

Good for you. Let her have the hump about it and DON'T FEEL GUILTY OR BACK DOWN. You have set a reasonable boundary now, so stick to it. Don't let her trample all over you.

If she can't respect your boundaries and continues to use you the way she has then really, she's no friend and no sad loss to your life.

For me personally, someone like that wouldn't be considered a friend anyway. I'd be keeping them at arm's length or just cutting contact.

Why on earth do you feel any need to tell her when and where you are going away? I tell close family only. Other than them I tell nobody unless I would like them to pop in and look after the house a bit for us. Generally though, I don't need that so much now that I no longer have my old cat who needed to be visited, fed and watered. It's just to put the post etc. inside and nothing much more. Certainly not to use the shower, cook in my kitchen and use the garden.

Draw a line in your life from on. Have very strong boundaries and no longer let people take the pee out of you.

If you want to live your life this way then carry on, as its you that is letting them.

Being a people pleaser doesn't please us. It actually massively inconveniences us. I learned that a few years ago and it's a painful realisation as I was doing it to myself. Now I don't let people walk all over me, my life quiter and more peaceful.

You owe it to yourself.

Tell her that you are using the time that you are away to have the house deep cleaned and fumigated for clothes moths and bedbugs! But that of course she is very welcome to use it for the first four days because the bug people won’t be there then.🙂

Well done OP, what did you say??

Well done Op. She’s a user, not a friend.

Good for you. Me and my husband wouldn’t want someone using our home whilst we were away, what if they forgot to turn something off or lock up etc?

When I go away I change the sheets and put out new towels and clean the house really well so I come home to a nice environment. If someone was using it they might not clean up properly. I would be anxious not knowing what was actually going on in my house whilst I was away.

I know how you feel about really hating confrontation. People say "just say no" but that doesn't really work, does it, when she's in front of your face and you just say "no." What next...how does the conversation progress?

I might try this instead:

"Actually, X, I've begun to feel a bit anxious about people being in the house while I'm away. It's not you, it's just me. I get really worried about fire or locks not being on doors etc. I know it's just OCD stuff but right now I can't handle the thought of it. Sorry."

I know it's a bit of a copout making yourself the problem but it's the only way to tackle head on without making her feel specifically offended. Ok, so she might be offended anyway but at least you've told her.

Change the locks, and say no. Do you have a ring doorbell so you can see who is approaching your property whilst you're away?

I love this idea but practically how does one actually do it? Do you wince when you state your boundaries, or do you just sit there stony faced?

@appletreecidertree how close is she to your house? I would definitely say no. no one has a key to my house apart from the people who live in it.

The word you are looking for is "no".

I have some very close friends but I don't routinely tell them when I'm going away, only if it might affect our plans "Oh, I can't do coffee next week, we're in France."

Stop oversharing.

Why are you cringing for OP's neighbour?

She sounds rather creepy and controlling. Just let your 'friendship' with her drift.

Great idea & exactly what I would do. If the question comes up as to why it was allowed before I'd say I thought I'd contact them to make sure.

I think whilst an end to a long term friendship is often painful, it may be the least painful option for you.

I absolutely wouldn't cope with that at all!
I'd be really uncomfortable with the idea of someone coming and going into my house while I was away.
Not least I'd be worried about security ... had she locked up.properly etc.
Just say 'No'.

It’s your house
not her fkin holiday home
( I hope she ain’t got keys)
and keep shtum when your away