Struggling with DS's (18) choices - long one - sorry

[Maplewood6]

I know that I have so much to be grateful for in my DS (18). He is very happy and very popular. His life choices though are bringing me down which I know is related to my past. I had a tough upbring –parents in menial jobs where money was a major source of angst between my parents (e.g. my mum had to get solicitors involved to get housekeeping money from my dad) and my home life was emotionally and physically abusive. Every day was filled with anxiety about when/if something was going to kick off. While all this was going on, I vowed that when I had control of my life it would be entirely different to what I was going through. Luckily (or maybe because of my home life), I loved school – it was civilised and predictable unlike home and I loved learning. I was the only one in my family to go to uni, got a first at a top uni and a well paid job. I had my son on my own (100% OK with that), and he’s never gone without. He’s seen me working my socks off and with some people that instils in them a good work ethic. As I mentioned above, he’s always been popular. On leaving primary school, he got into a top secondary school (he was tutored for that but they said he was bright) and I expected everything to be plain sailing but it hasn’t. After a few years at the school, I realised that it had quite a progressive mindset (absolutely nothing about this in the open evenings/school literature) such that he was allowed to get away with not handing work in. Unlike me, he’s doesn’t have a love of learning so was quite happy with this hands off approach but it meant that he fell behind in his work, became unpopular with the teachers, then he disliked school, was even less inclined to do work etc – a vicious cycle being established. He was also unbelievably disorganised generally. GCSEs was a torturous process – it was as if he’d never been to school at all and after his GCSEs he was diagnosed with ADD (by a psychiatrist). Whilst he was going downhill at school, he got into train spotting, which became consuming and he became part of that community. It’s a full on passion which, if you’re not into trains (me), is hard to understand. Fast forward to the current day, he’s now a few months off doing A levels and massively behind as before – although not as bad as the GCSEs. He’s still a passionate train spotter spending as much time as possible doing that – literally loads of time [he definitely doesn’t have autism BTW).What I’m finding difficult is that every single one of my friends/family have children who are heading off to university and are growing up in their approach to life i.e. are looking forward to moving away from home, living independently, having their lives open up.In contrast, my DS can’t wait to leave school and has his sights set on working on the railways – that is in a mundane, undemanding job (that will allow him to see trains) and says that he’s never leaving home. It’s as if his friends lives are going to keep developing – meeting new friends etc – whereas my son’s life will be stagnating. His new friends (work colleagues) will be a bunch of mainly middle aged men. He’s a truly lovely boy (happy, affectionate) but I feel quite bereft inside.When out for lunch with a friend recently who was telling me how her son was thriving at uni both academically and in life generally (living in a house share), and how this was an important life phase, I found myself blurting out, “Oh my God, this is making me so sad” and I felt quite tearful. I’ve just spent the day yesterday with two other people and again felt really down afterwards on hearing about their children’s plans for the future – travel, uni, aspiration.One of these has a son who also has ADHD and on getting the right medication, has been transformed and almost instantly grown up. My son says his medication doesn’t work and has no interest in addressing his ADHD i.e. it took him a year to tell me that the medication he was on was not actually having any effect and he has no interest in looking at strategies that my help him life more adaptively with his ADHD symptoms. It’s like myself and my friends were all good parents but it’s paying off for them in the way their children are developing; whereas for me it hasn’t. I just feel like my escape from my childhood has been for nothing and that my son is taking himself right back there (which kills me) – a mundane job (that allows him to see trains) with low pay, and all the struggles I know that will bring as he’s used to the sort of life I’ve given him. I think the bottom line is that I’m an aspirational person so seeing a complete lack of that in my nearest and dearest is a real struggle for me. I’m not really sure why I’m posting – I suppose it’s just to have an offload. If anyone has any insights though I’m open to them.

I see your perspective as we all want the best for our children.

That said, there are much worse things than trainspotting (which seems to be really high tech these days).

Can you encourage him to be a train driver, they earn good money?

Also, he’s young. Not everyone is ready to fly the best at 18.

A career in the train industry can be very rewarding and well paid.

Thinking you are going to live at home and never leave is not good though.

You need to detach your own shortcomings, disappointments in life and lost ambitions from your son. He is his own person and your feelings about this are not appropriate. Let him live his own life, it sounds like he's doing what makes him happy, time for you to focus on doing the same. Cut the apron strings he's an adult and doing a lot better than many others his age. If he was miserable that's different but it doesn't sound like he is, he's doing what he's comfortable with at this point in time.

So your son isn't particularly academic and wants a job with trains because he finds them interesting and that's his hobby. It makes him happy. What's the problem?

Your son probably won't earn fantastic money but sounds like he'll enjoy his job and that's a lot more than lots of people can say.

It sounds very much like money, or lack of money, wasn't the issue with your parents but rather your dad was financially abusive withholding money from his wife. I can see why it spurred you to earn your own money but none of it will impact your son's view of money.

He's also only young. Lots of young people don't actually know what they want to do. People retrain, spend years doing lower paid jobs, work to live rather than live to work. And some don't, some earn very little their entire lives. Neither of those things is wrong.

I think you're coming at this from the wrong place. It's nice when your kids have a defined career path carved out ahead of them but lots don't and as parents surely what we really hope for our kids is happiness? If that's working with trains and earning very little, as long as he's happy I'd be happy.

It seems like you’ve have a very fixed idea of who you want your son to be, and who he is doesn’t match that. You’re disappointed in him. He will know.

It’s his life, not yours. His life isn’t your return on your investment in raising him. He is a separate person from you and his life has just as much value as your friends’ children.
Do you want him to have a happy and fulfilled life, or do you want him to do what you want?

He's 18.
A lot will change over the next few years.
He's not academic , university is not right for everyone.
If he has a job and is happy , that's a good thing.

If he knows what he wants to do and is happy, that's brilliant. But never wanting to leave home isn't great... if he was 12 saying that, that would be one thing, but he's 18. He sounds like exactly the kind of person who will need longer to wrap their head around leaving home, and need it spelled out that independence from you will help him in the long run as you won't be around forever. What did you say when he said he'd never leave?

I hear where you're coming from, but I would try to relax about it if I were you. Encourage him to do as well as he can with his A levels and see what happens. He may find, as many of his school friends do go off to university, that he feels left behind and that might spur him on to make different decisions. Or he may not. Either way, the choices we make at 18 do not need to define us for ever.

The railway can be a good career. I was there 15 years, DH did nearly 40. DH started very low on the ladder and was at exec level prior to retirement. There are all sorts of career paths you can take.

In time there are many amazing this he can do. He might travel on the orient express, he might get an engineering apprenticeship, he might work in route planning …. He has to start somewhere. Living at home until he’s a ‘normal’ age to leave is fine! So long as you’re happy with him there. 23/24 is totally normal if they don’t go to uni, or even older. So long as he pays board. If he’s happy and providing for himself and getting on in the world, you e done a good job!

Yeah, I can't help but feel sorry for your son sorry. He has a passion and he wants to work in an area that feeds into that passion. I don't see the problem with that.
It also feels like you're catastrophising. He's 18 years old! He's at an age where he can try things out and if it doesn't work for him he can try something else. He may well be saying he's never leaving home at this age but it doesn't mean he's actually going to never leave home.
I think you need to calm down and stop comparing him to your friend's kids. Success looks like different things to different people.

I agree with @WaitingForMojo. I also think, as someone who dragged myself out of poverty by getting scholarships to university, and looking around at friends who’ve become prosperous from similarly poor backgrounds and have older children, that it’s in some ways a good thing that our children don’t have our ‘do or die’ urgency. They don’t see education as their sole way out of miserable circumstances, they grew up comfortably and think ‘What do I actually want?’ because they have a safety net.

You may want to google salaries in railway. It can be a lot.

from the other side, I had a passion at 18 I wanted to follow- a sport I was good at. I allowed my parent to talk me into a more traditional route and went to Uni instead. I’d be forever in low pay jobs without a degree etc.

well I’m now 30 years on and working in your bog standard job. I change every few years cos I get bored. My field doesn’t require a degree, but is better paid than jobs related to my degree.

however. If I had followed my passion- that field has taken off and my peers are earning £££££.

so be careful what you push him toward.

Just. Let. Him. Be. Happy.

He sounds like a lovely lad with a really clear idea of what he enjoys and he what he doesn’t enjoy. Just because he’s bright, that doesn’t mean he has to love academic study. You can’t mould your child into a different person just because that’s what you’ve decided he should be. Not everyone has to be career orientated. It’s fine not to be. It’s fine to do what makes you happy. There should be nothing disappointing about someone who has found their niche in life.

Working on the railways isn’t necessarily low paid and if he loves his job that’s a major plus. How many people spend years being miserable at work? I don’t think money always makes up for that.

If he has a job that would enable him to pay his own rent/mortgage he might naturally change his mind about staying at home forever. I wouldn’t worry about that too much at 18.

It may sound trite but take care of the present and the future will take care of itself - so for now he needs to get through his A levels and sort something to do when he leaves school, worrying about what he’ll be doing in 10 years isn’t helpful.

Plus so many people change careers now, just because he doesn’t go to uni now doesn’t mean he’ll never go.

With kindness, this is about you and your own ego, and not your son. You want to be able to talk about your children thriving at a good university because that reflects well on you. There are well paid jobs on the railway, your son could have a great, well paid career in a job he loves, where’s the problem?
Even if not, He’s 18, he doesn’t need to stick to whatever plan he makes this year. Perhaps you need to work through some of your trauma around your childhood so this feels less triggering.

I understand your feelings OP, it’s okay to feel a bit sad about it, privately. But it sounds like you have a close bond with him, and he’s a happy person. You’ve done well.

Mundane? Undemanding ? Really!

Uni isn't the be all and end all

Half of kids who go to uni end up in tedious office jobs that are far less interesting than many railway jobs and often not even that well paid.

Why do you want to stop your son getting a job he enjoys? A high salary isn't going to make all life's problems go away. In a railway job he might not be rich (though there are certain roles in which he could be) but he will have enough to live comfortably. And even if he wasn't - your parents aren't the model for the whole world, plenty of people manage to have money worries without becoming abusive, and plenty of people with plenty of money are abusive all the same.

I really think you need to reframe this. I know people whose teenage sons spend all their time in their bedroom, have no hobbies other than gaming and are isolated, depressed and lonely. Their parents are understandably absolutely heartbroken about this. Your son knows what he wants to do with his life, has a hobby, a community of friends, will do a job he loves, this is fantastic!! He may not be like you, or have turned out how you wanted him to, but he is his own person and you can't change him. He sounds like he will have a good life!

You are going to get slaughtered on here.
Personally I understand where you are coming from. But I am from another culture which isn't all about happiness.

I will say that I have an older DD who graduated with a first from a top uni but is still living with me as rents are exorbitant. So its true that these days uni does not guarantee a great job and a house.

That was then and this is now.
In your generation a degree was probably a route to a well-paid job. Now a degree doesn't really differentiate you from the rest of the crowd and it's a huge debt that you will spend the rest of your life paying off.
It may be that your DS is ahead of the curve in thinking that a degree may not be the best route. And, if he changes his mind, he's got plenty of time yet.
I totally get where you are coming from but let him be his own person.

With kindness just because he doesn’t go to uni at 18 doesn’t mean he never will. I would much rather my child was happy, even if it was in a job I felt didn’t fulfil their potential, than doing what was expected of them just to please others ( said as a mother of a 17yr old who is not keen on uni but has the capability)

The only worrying thing is that he doesn't see himself ever leaving home. That said, he's only 18 and will change massively over the coming years. And remember too it's relatively normal now for young people to need to stay at home or move back home after graduating because housing is so damn expensive, so if he's living at home for the next few years, that's not a big deal.

Everything else you say shouldn't be a concern. He's happy, he knows what he wants to do and it's his life. Stop putting your wishes and aspirations onto him. It's his life.