Struggling with DS's (18) choices - long one - sorry

[Maplewood6]

I know that I have so much to be grateful for in my DS (18). He is very happy and very popular. His life choices though are bringing me down which I know is related to my past. I had a tough upbring –parents in menial jobs where money was a major source of angst between my parents (e.g. my mum had to get solicitors involved to get housekeeping money from my dad) and my home life was emotionally and physically abusive. Every day was filled with anxiety about when/if something was going to kick off. While all this was going on, I vowed that when I had control of my life it would be entirely different to what I was going through. Luckily (or maybe because of my home life), I loved school – it was civilised and predictable unlike home and I loved learning. I was the only one in my family to go to uni, got a first at a top uni and a well paid job. I had my son on my own (100% OK with that), and he’s never gone without. He’s seen me working my socks off and with some people that instils in them a good work ethic. As I mentioned above, he’s always been popular. On leaving primary school, he got into a top secondary school (he was tutored for that but they said he was bright) and I expected everything to be plain sailing but it hasn’t. After a few years at the school, I realised that it had quite a progressive mindset (absolutely nothing about this in the open evenings/school literature) such that he was allowed to get away with not handing work in. Unlike me, he’s doesn’t have a love of learning so was quite happy with this hands off approach but it meant that he fell behind in his work, became unpopular with the teachers, then he disliked school, was even less inclined to do work etc – a vicious cycle being established. He was also unbelievably disorganised generally. GCSEs was a torturous process – it was as if he’d never been to school at all and after his GCSEs he was diagnosed with ADD (by a psychiatrist). Whilst he was going downhill at school, he got into train spotting, which became consuming and he became part of that community. It’s a full on passion which, if you’re not into trains (me), is hard to understand. Fast forward to the current day, he’s now a few months off doing A levels and massively behind as before – although not as bad as the GCSEs. He’s still a passionate train spotter spending as much time as possible doing that – literally loads of time [he definitely doesn’t have autism BTW).What I’m finding difficult is that every single one of my friends/family have children who are heading off to university and are growing up in their approach to life i.e. are looking forward to moving away from home, living independently, having their lives open up.In contrast, my DS can’t wait to leave school and has his sights set on working on the railways – that is in a mundane, undemanding job (that will allow him to see trains) and says that he’s never leaving home. It’s as if his friends lives are going to keep developing – meeting new friends etc – whereas my son’s life will be stagnating. His new friends (work colleagues) will be a bunch of mainly middle aged men. He’s a truly lovely boy (happy, affectionate) but I feel quite bereft inside.When out for lunch with a friend recently who was telling me how her son was thriving at uni both academically and in life generally (living in a house share), and how this was an important life phase, I found myself blurting out, “Oh my God, this is making me so sad” and I felt quite tearful. I’ve just spent the day yesterday with two other people and again felt really down afterwards on hearing about their children’s plans for the future – travel, uni, aspiration.One of these has a son who also has ADHD and on getting the right medication, has been transformed and almost instantly grown up. My son says his medication doesn’t work and has no interest in addressing his ADHD i.e. it took him a year to tell me that the medication he was on was not actually having any effect and he has no interest in looking at strategies that my help him life more adaptively with his ADHD symptoms. It’s like myself and my friends were all good parents but it’s paying off for them in the way their children are developing; whereas for me it hasn’t. I just feel like my escape from my childhood has been for nothing and that my son is taking himself right back there (which kills me) – a mundane job (that allows him to see trains) with low pay, and all the struggles I know that will bring as he’s used to the sort of life I’ve given him. I think the bottom line is that I’m an aspirational person so seeing a complete lack of that in my nearest and dearest is a real struggle for me. I’m not really sure why I’m posting – I suppose it’s just to have an offload. If anyone has any insights though I’m open to them.

I have a relative who has worked as a conductor and in rail office for 20 years from leaving school.. he earns well, has a lovely home in an expensive part of town and wasn't saddled with student debt. Uni is not the be all and end all

I work in young people’s mental health and jump for job when someone does what is valuable and meaningful to them rather than follow what is expected of them. Trust me, pushing him down a route that’s about your values rather than his could really damage his mental health

I went to a selective grammar school, but I wasn’t particularly academic - or the school didn’t inspire me to be, depending on how you view it. I tried A levels but quit after 4 months & went to work part time in a clothes shop.

I am sure my parents were disappointed but they supported me. I then got a full time office job to get some experience. Moved to a larger organisation and that really opened my eyes. By the time I was 21 - I had a company car, bought my first house, albeit that was nearly 25 years ago so maybe easier.

I then moved to London for a few years. Due to family needs I moved back to my home town but have now set up my own business, employ 10 people - have my own family, decent house, decent cars etc.

For me, the happiness & support I had from my family allowed me time to find my own path, which isn’t always the same for everyone. That said not everyone is motivated by big houses, money etc so if you can give him some time to find his path and from 18-30 I am sure it will change x

Being happy is really important - much more worrying if he wasn't.
Uni isn't right for everyone. Who knows how the mundane job will turn out - your son's interest could lead him anywhere.
Be pleased that he's happy, he has a passion in his life and he has a plan.
As for the moving out, that can be tackled later.

He’s gunna be earning 60k plus if he works on the trains especially tubes. Let him x

I totally understand where you’re coming from as I relate to a huge amount of what you’ve written, but you need to look at what you’ve written here objectively. If you read this from a friend or stranger what would your advice to them be? (Probably along the lines of how brilliant it is that their son has a passion and isn’t mentally ill from the stress of a bad upbringing/bad school life/stress of exams)

My husband (no A levels or degree) works for TFL and most years earns 85k plus. I class that as quite a high salary, do you? His colleagues that are more driven (doing all the extra hours/going freelance etc) are easily on 100k plus. I on the other hand, got a 1:1 hons degree from an excellent uni and earn less than half his salary 😅 Plenty of ‘academic’ or respected careers are low earning - you need to switch your focus, it’s not always about the money.

My eldest of a similar age to your son has just decided to pursue film, despite being a high achiever throughout school and academically gifted. (A few years ago she was considering Classics or PPE at Oxford but here we are! 🤪)

The most important thing is that you’ve given him the love and confidence to feel like he can work in his field of passion. You and I didn’t have that choice due to our childhoods, which made us perfectionists and blinkered to how success can look. It will all be fine, let him be happy, pursue his dream and be proud! (You seem like a great mum - raising a contented teen is no easy feat)

this comes from a kind heart- I think you should see a therapist to work on your trigggers.

I work in the rail industry and it is a great place for young people to have a career. There is plenty of career progression and opportunities, people often move from front line low paid work into management or operations and there are loads of people who work in rail who are passionate enthusiasts and then the rest of us that don’t know one end of a train from the other. I absolutely love the industry and never thought I’d say that. For what it’s worth my kids have also not followed the path I thought they might, have also hated school and both are neurodiverse and not achieving their full potential because school just isn’t where they’re thriving. I also had some of my best years at school and also lifted myself out of a poor situation so it’s been a difficult thing to accept, especially when friends kids seem to be thriving. I have however found some peace with this and I think university (which I went to and loved) isn’t the path for everyone and times are different. I actively don’t want my kids to go to uni unless they are 100 percent driven, the debt is overwhelming and there is no guarantee that a job at the end of it will put you in a better financial position than someone who hadn’t gone. The march of AI has us all guessing about the type of work that will be available in a few years and it’s maybe some of those mundane jobs that may be safer than the rest of us. Ps there are loads of apprenticeships in rail, he really could do a lot worse than a job there.

at least he’s not off drinking clubbing and getting high?!! maybe he’s just not academic? maybe he might return to university in future. you need to start looking at him as an individual, his own adult person. a friend. no longer your entity to dictate. if he was a friend how would you then advise him? don’t lose that attachement. treat him with respect. if you are worried about his future, invest in it? keep your home open for him. let him go and come back without judgement and let him know you are his backbone. the rail still needs discipline so it could shape his character. at least he’s has a passion! honesty it’s not all bad.

Francis Bourgeois omg he’s amazing!! I have no interest whatsoever in trains but I follow him on instagram for his sheer joy of life!!! OP if you don’t, please follow him, if I had a son who was really into trains this would be a view into his world.
OP honestly all we want is for our children to be happy, please be so happy that your son has found his passion and support him. I also know someone who had a first class degree from top uni and he fell into working for TFL and was on amazing money, bought a house in Wimbledon in his 20s! There can be money working for the railways but it’s a good and steady job with no debt anyway so I think your son will be so happy. Maybe think about a tutor for A Levels so he gets good grades if he ever wants to do further studying later on?
I hope this thread helps you.

Ultimately it’s his life not yours . Perhaps you need to expand your own interests because he’s found his and frankly, his interests have nothing to do with you.

You're judging his decisions based on your expectations. That will do far more damage to a young person than a bit of trainspotting will.

I think you need to find a hobby to focus your energy on as you sound a little overbearing sorry OP.

There are loads of train-related careers all over the country, and world, especially if he's prepared to move to Swindon, Crewe or Derby where much of it it headquartered. It's great that he has a passion, particularly one with such varied career prospects

Let your son live his life.

Celebrate the son you have, you say he’s friendly and loving. He has dreams and hopes, he wants to work with trains. He wants to work…..he could be in a back bedroom 24 hrs a day doing goodness knows what!

Celebrate him, support him, be so very proud of him, you’ve much to be proud of.

A career is a career no matter what field it is in. Given that your son is so keen on trains he sounds like an ideal candidate to volunteer his time to a local (or as near as) steam trains society that does renovation and keeps the history of trains alive.
I have visited several steam train venues around the country and have always enjoyed chatting to the people who volunteer their time and love to the care and history of all kinds of trains.

So basically your friends have better more successful children because they're academic and want to travel?
Red that back to yourself and think about how that sounds.

The shop I volunteer in currently has a few graduates working who have not managed to get a job. One of DS mates has not worked since he graduated last year.

He will be able to make a living if he can become a train driver or work for the railway. One of my old neighbours was a supervisor for railway works and travelled all over the country. He was a lovely guy.

I had most of my career in higher education as did DH. His subject was vocational mine was not. I had got to the point I felt like a fraud on open days towards the end of my working life. It’s not like when I was young and a degree meant a decent career for practically anyone who could manage a 2:1.

Don't write him off yet, he's 18.
I know a lady who used to struggle so much with her 17 year old, did poorly at school, got in to drugs and didn't want to do anything at all. At 21 he got himself an apprenticeship in construction, and at 27 he's married with a toddler and has a good position at work. So, his life might be different from yours but you have shown him the benefit of hard work. He will know how to improve his life when he needs to. And for now, he will have no debt at uni, he will have a job he loves and so what if that means he'll stay home for a few more years?
He will find someone and he will fly the nest.

I thought you were going to say he’s an incel or voting Tory

You are a good parent and you raised a beautiful son. He may not follow the path you expected him to , but please trust yourself and know that he will never become your parents because he has you as his mother. From what I read you are incredibly supportive and loving and you did more than your best for him to have a great start in life.
Do encourage him to do what makes him happy and follow his dreams and if those dreams are about trains, then let him find his way towards that path. As many said and you also agreed Uni is not for everyone and many kids found their way and careers (good ones!) Through other means such us NVQ, learning on the job, apprenticeships, promotions, etc.
Please be kind to yourself and watch your son grow and develop in his own way and in his own time. X

He’s his own person with his own interests, aspirations and goals. He has a passionate interest, and he’s keen to get a job. It sounds like he’s very motivated and industrious, just not in the ways you’d like him to be. He’s an adult now, I honestly think you need a complete rethink of your relationship with him and attitudes towards him. Surely you want him to be happy? It sounds like a career related to the railway would make him really happy. It might seem like a mundane job to you, a person who has no interest in trains, but not to him. There are plenty of jobs in that sector that pay really well - who do you think manages stations and the railway network? Do you think they’re all on minimum wage?

Perhaps you should put down that 'work ethnic' - stop working and spend time with your boy doing what he loves? Why are you not celebrating him and excited about him having a passion? Few in life do.

You may think what you are doing is loving but it's just damaging to have a parent be so negative about your passion. University is not for everyone, especially someone neurodiverse, and you can have a fantastic career in the rail industry. Maybe a better one with a degree as without one it will be more difficult but he could always go back to that later in life. The only thing you can make sure is he is making informed choices.

I got to know Bob Reid a little, a former director of British Rail, see this article. He worked his way from the bottom to the top of British’s Rail and was a lovely man. Seethe third paragraph of this article.

www.passengertransport.co.uk/2021/11/reids-career-offers-us-lessons-for-today/

I saw Ad for trainee train drivers the other day, starting salary was £36k which doesn't sound mundane or terrible to me.

I'd rather my 18 year old was out in the fresh air train spotting with middle aged men and following his passion than hanging out/gaming online 24/7.

I think you might be linking your childhood too much with your son. Your son is his own person, living in the present, while your childhood is in the past. Maybe it's your past experiences that make you feel sad, and you see your son as an extension of that past.