Awful parent’s evening

[MoSalahsBeard]

We have been struggling with our son lately but the parent’s evening last night was very upsetting.

all but 2 teachers said he is distracted, doesn’t focus, and has had to be moved away from other kids.

On top of that as soon as we walked through the school gates his body language changed. He’s stuck his hands in his pockets and was walking around with a swagger. He sat in front of the teachers slumped down with his arms folded.

We found out recently he has been vaping as well.

we are despairing. We are looking in to adhd as he struggles to focus on homework at home too and we have to keep stints to 10 minutes max.

I don’t know whether to move him to another school or what. I’m so upset. What do we do?

How old is he? I'm assuming mid secondary school?
If so personally I would up the discipline (just had to do this with my 14 Yr old!). Bad behaviour at school means hobbies are cancelled, phone removed, no treats etc. It worked!

Yes he is 14.

Hi I agree you need to tighten up your parenting alongside looking into the possibility of neurodivergence

How old is your son?
Does he have any other traits of ADHD?
What does he do in his ‘downtime’? Try to encourage him to get outside and exercise, and also some more sleep, no screens for 2 hours before bed, and some activities that require concentration and don’t have an instant ´win’ - reading, cooking/baking bread, book of logic puzzles (like the 1% TV show), maybe Lego or similar if he likes that, playing a musical instrument.
How is he at home?

Yes he has pretty much all the traits of adhd. He can be incredibly explosive- dh and I have both had things thrown at us recently.

he plays guitar and basketball outside of school so that’s good, and we play board games etc with him. He hates reading. If he had his way he would be on his phone or he PlayStation all day but we don’t allow that.

I’m sorry you’re going through this.

I would do look into private assessment for ADHD.

Also make an appointment with head of year. Tell them you’re very concerned by his behaviour and want to work with them to improve this. I would consider a target report card with appropriate sanctions at home if targets aren’t achieved.

How is he doing academically?

Look into dyslexia screening too.

I don't agree with the 'tighten up your parenting' strategy for school based issues. Find out what's going on for him at school. Get him to talk. Tell him you love him and you want him to succeed. You ve found some strategies that help with homework, maybe he needs those at school. Dont need an actual diagnosis to suggest it. Maybe some root causes and solutions can be found.
talk to the inclusion person at school.

Parenting kids with ADHD is a different ball game. They are literally wired differently and struggle to join actions to consequences. They also are so dopamine seeking they struggle to assess risks of actions.
Standard parenting approaches don't sit well with that kind of neurology.

Understood and additive websites have lots of good advice for parents of ADHD kids.

Keep taking him to guitar and basketball lessons, but punish him by changing the WiFi password and taking his Play Station and phone at home. Also stop giving him pocket money if he's spending it on vapes and vaping liquid.

Ask him about his change of demeanor at school. You need to get him to open up and tell you what's going on. Time for a non face to face in person chat on a walk or in the car.

ADHD or not, it sounds as though he has no respect towards school or his teachers (as per his changed body language). Sounds like he's got in with the wrong crowd has has to "perform" for them. This needs clamping down on fast.

I feel if there are behaviour issues the school should be raising this privately with you, particularly if it affecting his learning, and it's not something which should be an unpleasant surprise at parents evening.

I am so confused. How have you jumped from one bad parents evening where the teaches have said your child is distracted to suddenly you think he must have ADHD???? Are you just trying to find “a reason” that your child isn’t doing well and if so let’s jump on the ADHD bandwagon 🙄
My Nephew has ADHD and it presented itself very early on when he was little and didn’t wait until he was 14 and the wasn’t interested in school 🙄

Thanks for rolling your eyes at me. We have suspected adhd for years now. So I’m not jumping on a bandwagon but thanks so much for your kindness and for giving me two eye roll emojis.

They’ve said nothing. What’s more I have contacted the head of year twice this week and she hasn’t even emailed me back.

What were the reasons you contacted the head twice before the parents evening if the behaviour of your son was a shock at the meeting?

It's perfectly possible for ADHD to be masked until teens or even adulthood. My daughter was diagnosed at 15 having previously shown almost no signs at all at school. This is very common, particularly with girls, but also possible with boys, depending on the type and presentation of their ADHD.

My DD's ADD only emerged in her mid teens. With that type (no hyperactivity/impulsivity) it's not unusual for that to be the case, ie it's only at the 'business end' of education it became apparent she just couldn't apply the same self control and focus.

He is struggling emotionally. Explosive outbursts, uncontrolled anger, sometimes being aggressive

He’s also having stomach problems- diarrhea etc. waiting to see the dr about that. I asked the head of year for a toilet pass on Monday and still have not had an answer about that.

All of that is also called puberty, not ADHD. And he really does sound like a teen boy who is just pretending he’s a bit of a thug; the posture, swagger, the vaping, the attitude.

What is his friend group like? How does he speak about the teachers and the school?

You are going to have to do some parenting here, not just blame (undiagnosed) ADHD which you seem to have managed to only see now that he is turning into a teenage boy behaving like a bit of a thug teenage boy.

@MoSalahsBeard
Hi, I've worked in secondary schools since 1991 including 8 years as a Head of year, I now work in inclusion.
I knew he was 14 from your description, your son's behaviour is quite common. 14 is peak age for acting out against rules at home and school, especially for boys.
That's not much comfort I know but you are not alone.
Do open or keep open lines of communication with the school and try not to take phone calls or emails from them personally, stressed teachers sometimes communicate poorly with parents and this helps no one.
I think you do need to enforce your house rules and impose sanctions if he breaks them. That doesn't mean stop pursuing adhd assessment as well. He will still be sanctioned at school even if he has a diagnosis of adhd. Because no school can run without applying rules to all students. Most if not all schools make adjustments for adhd students but they can't tolerate disruption to lessons or violence of course.
What schools can do to help send students is limited by a lack of resources not a lack of sympathy.
I expect like the majority of boys your son will come through this and become a lovely young adult.
I do recommend pulling the plug on screens, it does help, increasingly advice we are getting from professionals is that exposure to social media has a negative effect on teenagers. And the games over stimulate teens and add in adhd and its not a good result.
The thing about your poor parents evening and you getting a glimpse of his negative attitude must have been a shock, but it has clearly been helpful. I have a huge amount of negative news to give parents all the time and I think you are taking this really well and you seem like a strong resilient parent, so big up yourself!

Newsflash ADHD can often be diagnosed later and not everybody presents the same. Like autism it can be masked too My dc were diagnosed at 17, 20 and 21. I was as diagnosed at 56.

Honestly, I think he needs support - he's feeling inferior so trying to 'big' himself up. Speak to SEN department - he might have ADHD and its a knock for your confidence when you can't do what seems like basic stuff. Don't knock him further by trying to punish him - get to the bottom of why the attitutre.