Awful parent’s evening

[MoSalahsBeard]

We have been struggling with our son lately but the parent’s evening last night was very upsetting.

all but 2 teachers said he is distracted, doesn’t focus, and has had to be moved away from other kids.

On top of that as soon as we walked through the school gates his body language changed. He’s stuck his hands in his pockets and was walking around with a swagger. He sat in front of the teachers slumped down with his arms folded.

We found out recently he has been vaping as well.

we are despairing. We are looking in to adhd as he struggles to focus on homework at home too and we have to keep stints to 10 minutes max.

I don’t know whether to move him to another school or what. I’m so upset. What do we do?

And yes adhd can suddenly become more obvious midteens when having to manage it alongside puberty can all become too much .

Self medicating with vape, alcohol, weed etc can be common too.

@MoSalahsBeard it all sounds very challenging. I would agree with many others to up the discipline at home. With regards contact from the school… most have a 24/48hr response policy. Are you emailing the correct person? Messaging their head of year/learning leader directly or just the central school email? If I’d emailed Monday and not heard by today I’d be copying in the relevant assistant head/leader of the phase in school as well.

You're very ill informed. Your nephew is not the only template for ADHD. My DS was not diagnosed until university. He is the inattentive type- with extremely variable attention and virtual absence of executive functions.

@MoSalahsBeard
Just about the toilet pass. Our school and maybe a lot now, don't do old style toilet passes. All our students have to have a member of staff to take them to the toilet, this is because of a change in how safeguarding is being interpreted, basically bullying and even sexual assaults have occurred in toilets in lesson time in some schools. This is why a member of staff is on duty outside toilets at break and lunchtime.
So teachers do a quick email to the on call staff who come to collect the student. I know this seems annoying but it is much safer.
I do think it doesn't help when no one responds to emails, I aim to respond in 24 hours even if I can't do anything immediately. It's so frustrating to get no response at all.

Newsflash…not everyone has ADHD!
My point is that everyone jumps straight to “oh I think they have ADHD” when there is lots of things it could be. The OP says they are concerned after ONE parents evening, the child changed body language walking into the school…how does that straight away jump at ADHD??

Have you spoke to the SEN team at school (I would arrange a meeting) and asked for any support? If he does well in sports and music outside of school you could ask if they do any sport or music therapy in school. Sounds like he could benefit from some anger management also. Schools are really struggling to support children with additional needs and it’s heart breaking watching your child struggle with school.

No she did not. She listed many concerns that have been going on for a while and previous suspicions re adhd.

And no everybody doesn’t jump straight to adhd, worried struggling parents recognise symptoms.

Keep on emailing until you get a response. And if there is still no response then take it higher......they are responsible for your son's education, you have made an enquiry and the least they could do is follow up.
If the head of year fails to respond then contact the school headteacher or even the Governors.
Also, keep a record of all correspondence/phone calls/emails.......then at least you can prove you are 'doing your bit' for your son whilst his head of year seemingly fails the boy.
I don't know much about ADHD etc but I do hope you get the right support for your child. Be the best role models that you possibly can.

I think you need to be requesting more meetings to get more detailed perspectives from them. It sounds like lots of people have noticed he's distracted etc but is not bad enough to raise any big alarm bells. I think you contact them about the explosive anger at home and say you're worried this is beginning to filter into school.

Also, I agree with approaching this via the SEN pathway. Even if it turns out to be wellbeing or perhaps things you could change to help him at home (maybe he does need PlayStation and phone taken away for a long period) then at least you've explored that avenue.

god the prhase 'tighten up your parenting'

Can we be real about how shit school is in this country. Sitting down is NOT what the human body is designed to do - 14 year old boys are designed by evolution to be constantly active - of course some of them really struggle to focus on six hours in a row of lessons with about 20 minutes to move at lunch break.

I loathe the idea that we have to assume there is a ND condition and I have an ND child so I 100 per cent agree with children getting the diagnosis if they need it.

maybe it's the system that is broken, old fashioned and not fit for purpose? Not the child.

Maybe the cheekiness and swagger are a way of gaining some minor bit of control for a strong willed active kid who is bored senseless and struggling to focus in hours of a sedentary day.

The vaping is a huge concern. Deal with the vaping by restricting his phone. He is legally too young; report the shop he buys it from. Put limits on his screen time - not as a punishment but to reprogram his brain to not be online for hours.
Spend more one on one time with your son.
Make sure he goes to bed early enough. Let sunlight hit him each morning.
Cook with him, walk in nature with him, see sport matches together etc.
Every weekend go on an excursion that he enjoys for a few hours. Check and praise his home work. Read his school books so he can discuss them at dinner. Loan out the books at the library as audio books and help him listen to the words as he reads. Be Tiger Parents for a little while until he gains confidence in how to arrange his life and schoolwork.
Encourage friends who do not vape, smoke - invite them out to the cinema or over for an afternoon.
Does he want to join a school club or team, or a neighbourhood hobby.
It is so good that you have this information. You can help your son's situation, his outlook, his health and future prospects.

If he hates reading, could he be dyslexic? Where I am, schools do not assess for this, we had to go private for an assessment. If he finds it difficult to read, he is likely embarrassed by this and trying to cover for it, through his behaviour.

If you move him schools the same thing will happen there. I see this a lot with teenage boys, usually starts around year 8. They’re so obsessed with looking like one of the “lads” that they turn into something else. He will also be going through lots of hormonal changes and struggling with his emotions, a lot of that is normal. In terms of his concentration with homework, we are also finding this is an increasing issue due to the pull of electronic devices and social media. Does he have a quiet place where he is able to concentrate? Can you get him to do his homework in 20 minute chunks rather than 1-2 hours at a time?

It shouldn’t have been a surprise if their behaviour system is any good as he will have been placed on detentions and received behaviour points (or whatever else they use) a lot is linked to apps now. I imagine the Head of Year hasn’t replied because she knew he had a P/E coming up and she will contact you once that is over.

Lastly, do you sanction him at home? This is really important. I know people on here say it is outdated and not needed, it really is! They need to visibly see consequences to their behaviour and words alone are not enough.

It does sound a bit like '14 yr old boy acting like a 14yr old boy' @MoSalahsBeard .
It is a tricky age, raging hormones, trying to find their tribe, not having the maturity to deal with difficult ( to them ) situations, feeling inadequate one second and then acting like they are invincible the next. Sullen and uncommunicative, until they can't find something, super critical of everything and everyone else, but if anyone dares make even a whiff of a suggestion that they deem to be critical of them, then WWIII breaks out.

My tools for dealing with it are mainly alcohol and sarcasm, and picking my battles. More importantly choosing the best time to engage in said battles, never in the morning and never within a couple of hours of getting back from school.

You have my sympathy OP. I am in a very similar situation (minus the vaping / swagger part), with an email from the school this week which really upset me.... and my son is 14 too (so it was interesting reading this person above's post).
In particular, he seems to be unable to learn - he can do homework exercises, but seems lost/overwhelmed when it comes to revision.
I can't help as I have the same problem, but I am also looking at the ADHD diagnostic - though that is about £1.5k when done privately, and I don't think we will qualify for NHS.
All the best.

Sounds like perfectly normal 14 year old lad behaviour to me.

So I agree with the pp who said talk to him. Tell him exactly what you’ve put in your op but in a loving concerned way. Then listen. Really listen. Take him seriously. Do what you can to support his concerns.

He’s no longer a little boy. He’s growing into a young man but still needs a gentle adult hand to guide. It’s tricky but if he knows you care, and you constantly reinforce that (whilst being firm about your expectations) you’ll come through it.

My son, now an adult. I suspect had ADHD and he was exactly like this (still is to an extent!). I gave him quite free rein within very specific boundaries about school and doing his best. He got through it and we are still great friends.

Good luck!

I think that I’d be trying a two pronged approach- definitely support at home, trying to talk to him, not carrying school issues home to the extent that he’s miserable, but also making sure that he does have firm
boundaries at home around screen time (would a whole family digital detox for a weekend work), no vaping, no abusive shouting, limit time spent with friends (especially late at night). In a way having firm boundaries at home is a form of support and IMO ADHD kids need them more than ever.

I would also be getting an urgent referral to your ADHD service so that if he is diagnosed you can start medication and let that bed in before exams (in my area it takes a year to be seen and you can’t have medication prescribed in the interim).

OP you said his whole body language changed on the school site, slumped and arms crossed in what sounds like a bit of a 'bad attitude' posture? How did respond to that in the moment?

Did you pull him up on it, ask why he was being disrespectful, tell him to sit up straight and knock off the attitude?

Ask to meet with student support teacher and head assisted support needs asap. All but two teachers,plus both parents are expressing ongoing, escalation of behavioural difficulties. Pursuing tests/diagnosis can be long haul. You(I mean he) need a support plan asap..
Even if he's simply pushing boundaries and mindlessly attention seeking a unified front is a good start.
Dyslexia,discalcula etc can be ongoing assessments.not to find something wrong.make sure he knows it's to find out if he has a different learning style and adapt.if is genuinely just exercise his right to rebel you need to make sure there is appropriate consequences.

And not just when you got home... There and then, when it was happening?

You could try what some ill-informed posters have suggested here to up the discipline at home, and watch your son's behaviour, confidence and self-worth get progressively worse and your relationship to deteriorate permanently.

Or you could get him assessed formally to get to the bottom of his academic, behavioural and emotional difficulties and work out a way to support him.

Some of these replies must think ‘the SEN department’ has infinite resources. Surely, surely… parenting and behaviour strategies should be tried first. Make them aware of what you’re doing, ask for updates from form tutor. Book in a follow up. If nothing is working ask if teacher has spoken to SEN dept etc.

Exactly and if op noticed this for years what is the waiting for to get him help? The school would have picked this up somewhere along the last decade surely? Sounds like he has a really bad attitude. Why didn't you pull him up for sitting like that in front of the teacher? What was his consequence for throwing something at you?