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Original poster

Awful parent’s evening

263 replies

MoSalahsBeard · 28/02/2025 07:15

We have been struggling with our son lately but the parent’s evening last night was very upsetting.

all but 2 teachers said he is distracted, doesn’t focus, and has had to be moved away from other kids.

On top of that as soon as we walked through the school gates his body language changed. He’s stuck his hands in his pockets and was walking around with a swagger. He sat in front of the teachers slumped down with his arms folded.

We found out recently he has been vaping as well.

we are despairing. We are looking in to adhd as he struggles to focus on homework at home too and we have to keep stints to 10 minutes max.

I don’t know whether to move him to another school or what. I’m so upset. What do we do?

OP posts:
MrsSunshine2b · 28/02/2025 12:44

Wishyouwerehere50 · 28/02/2025 12:26

@MrsSunshine2b this is oversimplification at it's finest.

Do people go around saying no consequences for my little Johnny? Do they really? Or do they say, there's something here that shows me consistently that the response to typical consequences is different. I'm therefore going to have to widen my repertoire!

PDA is a type of Autism wherein you have kids who are pathologically driven to have total autonomy over themselves. The hierarchy between adult and child is not instinctively understood or respected. You therefore have no choice but to work with every tool imaginable and at times you're going to have no choices but reduction of demands and collaborating with them. It's a parenting nightmare I'm sad to say.

This is sensible, well read and informed information. If your Autistic child is sat still doing everything they're told, you certainly are not dealing with PDA.

There is no suggestion anywhere that this child has PDA, which is also not recognised as a formal diagnosis by the NHS. There's a suggestion that he is struggling with focus and that he is making a choice to be disrespectful, which may or may not run alongside ADHD.

You can clearly see on this thread the number of people saying that ADHD children cannot link cause and effect or that punishing bad behaviour will destroy his self-esteem.

No, it won't, but having low expectations of him and then setting him loose in the world with no skills will definitely ruin his self-esteem.

Wishyouwerehere50 · 28/02/2025 12:44

Heronwatcher · 28/02/2025 12:32

Hang on though @Wishyouwerehere50 you’re now assuming pathological demand avoidance? Not all kids with ADHD have this and it’s a pretty big leap to assume he does without even trying.

I don't have enough information in this case to know what's going on. But OP will know herself with a little bit of exploration.

My example makes the point that we have varying presentations. Being oppositional is very often part of the territory with alot of ND teens, whether that's just ADHD, Autism combined or alone. PDA takes it to another level.

If you have a pervasive demand for equality consistently from your child, a complete inability to understand the hierarchy between adult and child, well PDA is certainly worth looking into.

( Mum to a PDA Autistic, ADHD, tourettes diagnosed teen,).

Rockingroll · 28/02/2025 12:46

And there are plenty of 14 year old boys who have absolutely nothing wrong with them who think they’re too cool for school and need a good kick up the bum and told to deal with it. More than those who have ADHD.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General education
MrsSunshine2b · 28/02/2025 12:51

Thym3L3af · 28/02/2025 12:42

Because you had the money to pay to queue jump jump over families that can’t.

Other families are battling with nothing.

Show quote history

I hardly see how the way she got her diagnosis is relevant to the support that she gets now, 7 years after diagnosis. She would have been diagnosed by now either way. We were struggling for money at the time, so we had to really tighten our belts to afford it.

Wishyouwerehere50 · 28/02/2025 12:54

Rockingroll · 28/02/2025 12:46

And there are plenty of 14 year old boys who have absolutely nothing wrong with them who think they’re too cool for school and need a good kick up the bum and told to deal with it. More than those who have ADHD.

There are. But do you have an ND child?

There is something next level about parenting here. You see instinctively this difference and one of the first things that can make us feel this is ' why is this child having consistent problems here and here when their peers aren't'. And another realisation is ' why when I work so hard to read about, learn and apply consequences, don't they seem to work in the way it does with peers'.

I have relatives where the life experience and exposure to challenges the kids have faced are pretty significant. You have all the risk factors there for problematic teen behaviour. Yet, it is completely different to say my own teen getting detentions every day and behaving in ways quite oppositional to the norm, especially in school. NT kids usually have an instinctual ability to work with what they have even if they're pushing boundaries.

You feel this difference in your gut when your child is ND and you start asking questions.

I know not one person who thought their kid was ND who was wrong. Not one.

( Mum to Autistic, ADHD, Tourettes diagnosed teen).

Neverenoughbiscuits · 28/02/2025 13:03

pearldiamond · 28/02/2025 11:30

Have you, or his teachers, ever thought that he 'can't' do it, rather than 'won't' do it. And then all the tightening up of parental rules, punishments in school etc will make him feel worse and worse and he will end up in a huge downward spiral.

This is what happened to my undiagnosed ADHD daughter and I would not wish the consequences on anyone

Whilst this may be the case, it's also the case that just because they can't, it shouldn't stop others being able to.

Rockingroll · 28/02/2025 13:20

Wishyouwerehere50 · 28/02/2025 12:54

There are. But do you have an ND child?

There is something next level about parenting here. You see instinctively this difference and one of the first things that can make us feel this is ' why is this child having consistent problems here and here when their peers aren't'. And another realisation is ' why when I work so hard to read about, learn and apply consequences, don't they seem to work in the way it does with peers'.

I have relatives where the life experience and exposure to challenges the kids have faced are pretty significant. You have all the risk factors there for problematic teen behaviour. Yet, it is completely different to say my own teen getting detentions every day and behaving in ways quite oppositional to the norm, especially in school. NT kids usually have an instinctual ability to work with what they have even if they're pushing boundaries.

You feel this difference in your gut when your child is ND and you start asking questions.

I know not one person who thought their kid was ND who was wrong. Not one.

( Mum to Autistic, ADHD, Tourettes diagnosed teen).

Show quote history

Yes I do. I said earlier my middle child has ASD and ADHD. I was never in any doubt, it has been an incredibly hard journey with her and it still is . This one may have ADHD but my instincts are he’s a 14 year old pain in the neck at the moment and I think people are often too quick to jump to ND when this is not unusual behaviour for boys of this age

Secondarystruggles · 28/02/2025 13:28

I agree that the description from OP could fit half the boys in Year 9 at my DCs school!

EndlessTreadmill · 28/02/2025 13:31

trivialMorning · 28/02/2025 12:34

You can't just let them get away with poor grades because they just didn't revise, and didn't try to to revise despite days of nagging etc.
All very well offering 'nice things'. When I told my DS if he gets decent scores (70%) in his next set of tests he would get a new PS game, he told me it 'wasn't worth the effort'!!
There is only so much 'incentivising' you can do, I get it can't all be negative, but very hard not to be negative when the child is displaying behaviours which seem to verge between extreme laziness and willful lack of effort.

I never offer incentives for revision and have always expected a basic level of behavior and effort all the time. That started very young and we have had problems some school years more than others.

You can't IMO expect grades - effort or work in is what you can expect.

With revision I sat down and worked out a plan with them - which I found had to be unquie to them and how they worked best which with DS has evolved with age.

DS in GCSE needed someone sat with him - often directly involved - by Y12 he needed a lighter touch. DD2 needs a what she needs to get through that week plan - and workbooks and regaular check in. DD1 need much more hand off advice - and encouragment to use on-line sites and attend anything college offered and given printed off past papers to do. She now manages her degree work load extremely well though often finds like I do she works better somewhere public like a library rather than in room with more distractions and needs deadlines.

Some days DS need to sit downstairs in more public place than his bedroom to get started and keep going. Some time they need help going over partcular concepts - so look at different explinations and then answering questions to make sure they get it.

Nagging and demanging certain grades - just add pressue - I've found mine needed more support - which as they get older and as you teach skills like how to revise gradually decreases.

The OP can't concentrate for more than 10 minutes on HW - well they'd be sat next to me till it's done - with me keeping them on track- even if that took all our evenings and weekends. Also give me chance to see where the problems were to offer more support with those.

Can I ask - how do you manage this? Do you work?
DH and I both work FT and so during Easter hols for instance when he needs to revise for end of year exams it's a complete nightmare. We have to leave the house in the morning asking him to do certain things (on revision plan) during the day, which of course by the evening when we come home he hasn't done - and so we just argue every evening.
It's physically impossible to sit beside him for hours every day which is what would be required (also have other DC). How do you do it?

Sunnysideup4eva · 28/02/2025 13:38

Wishyouwerehere50 · 28/02/2025 11:22

Can you provide data to demonstrate how many diagnoses of ADHD (and let's throw in Autism) have had to be overturned because they were wrong?

Show quote history

They don't get overturned they just get ignored by the NHS and some service providers eg councils providing EHCP's and the like.

Its why lots of people get told irrespective of private diagnosis to hold out for an NHS one

Wishyouwerehere50 · 28/02/2025 13:46

Sunnysideup4eva · 28/02/2025 13:38

They don't get overturned they just get ignored by the NHS and some service providers eg councils providing EHCP's and the like.

Its why lots of people get told irrespective of private diagnosis to hold out for an NHS one

Show quote history

They'll ignore it only for tactical reasons. Those tactical reasons being to encourage people to just go away. The resources can't meet demand at all. It is beyond manageable.

It is nothing to do with questioning validity from what I've seen.

If one is following the guidelines for assessment set out by NICE and is adequately trained and accredited and qualified, they'll be providing a service at the very least equal to the NHS. So where's the problem.

It's not fair that I can pay and others couldn't, but I had added extras looked into way beyond what the NHS could provide. There's no disputing it, no one has obviously.

Wishyouwerehere50 · 28/02/2025 13:49

Rockingroll · 28/02/2025 13:20

Yes I do. I said earlier my middle child has ASD and ADHD. I was never in any doubt, it has been an incredibly hard journey with her and it still is . This one may have ADHD but my instincts are he’s a 14 year old pain in the neck at the moment and I think people are often too quick to jump to ND when this is not unusual behaviour for boys of this age

Show quote history

Apologies for missing that.

I really couldn't be definitive in this situation, you may be correct.

All that I listen to is a mum suspecting it. I have not yet encountered a mum who is wrong when they start feeling it. There's no harm in pursuing an assessment really is there. I'm sure no one could explain logically why that would bother them.

Neverenoughbiscuits · 28/02/2025 14:11

EndlessTreadmill · 28/02/2025 13:31

Can I ask - how do you manage this? Do you work?
DH and I both work FT and so during Easter hols for instance when he needs to revise for end of year exams it's a complete nightmare. We have to leave the house in the morning asking him to do certain things (on revision plan) during the day, which of course by the evening when we come home he hasn't done - and so we just argue every evening.
It's physically impossible to sit beside him for hours every day which is what would be required (also have other DC). How do you do it?

Show quote history

The thing is, this is what is required to support the poster's DC to be successful.

Sadly we have set up a society whereby, as parents, we no longer all have the time or mental energy to support our DC in this way. This then gets batted back to schools who are expected to solve the problem despite the fact that parents can't or won't implement the support at home.

FedUpandEatingChocolate · 28/02/2025 15:02

MoSalahsBeard · 28/02/2025 08:05

Thanks for rolling your eyes at me. We have suspected adhd for years now. So I’m not jumping on a bandwagon but thanks so much for your kindness and for giving me two eye roll emojis.

Show quote history

I totally understand there you're coming from. My eldest DD has lots of ADHD traits but she's doing well at school, is coping well and so we see no need to chase a diagnosis. (We're not afraid of diagnosis, my youngest has plenty of them. The difference is she needs a lot of support to be in education.)

Should she start to struggle we would move rapidly to get her any and all support she needs.

It sounds as though you were just doing what seemed right at the time.

Sunnysideup4eva · 28/02/2025 15:06

EndlessTreadmill · 28/02/2025 13:31

Can I ask - how do you manage this? Do you work?
DH and I both work FT and so during Easter hols for instance when he needs to revise for end of year exams it's a complete nightmare. We have to leave the house in the morning asking him to do certain things (on revision plan) during the day, which of course by the evening when we come home he hasn't done - and so we just argue every evening.
It's physically impossible to sit beside him for hours every day which is what would be required (also have other DC). How do you do it?

Show quote history

Do you do things like turn off the WiFi / take the playstation/xbox out with you so that he can't distract himself with screens?
Dont allow him to use the excuse that he 'needs the computer to revise' - he doesn't. There are plenty of CGP books and the like covering GCSE materials that he can use to revise. Tell him the screens will only be allowed when you get back in the evening if he's done some work. Do what you can to disable the TV while you are out also.

lentilbake16 · 28/02/2025 16:45

Where did all this masking and ADHD spring from? Years ago everybody was running aroud paying thousands of pounds to psychologists to get a diagnosis of dyslexia. Everybody was dyslexic somehow.
Now it's thousands of pounds on specialists to diagnose ADHD. Specialists and Tic Toc.
I wonder what next?

trivialMorning · 28/02/2025 16:58

EndlessTreadmill · 28/02/2025 13:31

Can I ask - how do you manage this? Do you work?
DH and I both work FT and so during Easter hols for instance when he needs to revise for end of year exams it's a complete nightmare. We have to leave the house in the morning asking him to do certain things (on revision plan) during the day, which of course by the evening when we come home he hasn't done - and so we just argue every evening.
It's physically impossible to sit beside him for hours every day which is what would be required (also have other DC). How do you do it?

Show quote history

Mix of contract and temp work - so sometime around more - which does mean we can prioritise having me around during formal exams- also help kids spacing is gcse and A-level twice. DH can also be around - WFH at Easter he's in HE - and pleanty of times he working in eveing and weekend so can sit with kids while they work and pitch in when needed.

My career has been badly affected - I was SAHM in primary year well past when I ever wanted as they needed so much support school wouldn't or couldn't supply. I do think schooling in UK relies to much on parents stepping in with SEN and ND kids with support - but with tight budgets and increased demand I also see why they do.

However I have frequently worried I made wrong choice should have priotsied my career brought in more money so we could afford private assements - or better schools - half problem with DS GCSE was poor teaching/notes - school was struggling for staff - notes were poor and sometime books lost as teachers left - or being able to pay for proper tutors.

We are lucky DH and I are well and broadly educated - that we can both pitch in - even when we come home both shattered - and can say well there a few hours now get books and sit at table - while other does tea. Dsis a single parent with diffcult ex - her mental load isn't shared with another parent - she has no back up- so well aware my kids are privailged in many ways.

We've spent years building towards them having skills - and also years of telling them why exams results are important and getting then to think what they want to do.

Our kids are supportive of one another - older one will pitch in and help younger one - and youngest does keep an eye on what DS gets up to revison wise. Some of that must also be personality - we've had odd rough years with them - but DN same age as my kids is very pie in the sky thinker and thus harder to focus. Probably helps DH is in HE and we have always had attiutude education is important.

Demaning certain grades - nagging about revision but offering no support - how the hell it that going to do anything but cause stress to the parent child relationship and stress out a struggling kid.

If you can't physically sit next to them - and I agree not alway possible - can they work in local liabries/school/college or stay late in any revision classes at school - all mine use these as I did.

If they aren't going to get the grades have you asked about their plan B.

Do they work best with on-line revision tools or work book/revison guides - one of mine favours on-line tools another work books to slowly work though.

Have they got decent notes - I was horrified with what DS had at GCSE - we had to rely on revison book as they were a disjointed mess. Also their school didn't really do end of year tests - my secondary had - so they hadn't developed the revision skills and didn't get good direction from their secondary school.

Are they having input into revision plan or is it imposed - and if they've help make it have you asked why they haven't kept to it - do they want to do it and struggle starting or just don't want to do any or are they actaully struggling with some aspects - do they need more details task breakdown or help in some areas.

Are their teachers actually worried saying they need to do more revision or are they appearing to do none and still acing tests and exams?

EndlessTreadmill · 28/02/2025 18:09

trivialMorning · 28/02/2025 16:58

Mix of contract and temp work - so sometime around more - which does mean we can prioritise having me around during formal exams- also help kids spacing is gcse and A-level twice. DH can also be around - WFH at Easter he's in HE - and pleanty of times he working in eveing and weekend so can sit with kids while they work and pitch in when needed.

My career has been badly affected - I was SAHM in primary year well past when I ever wanted as they needed so much support school wouldn't or couldn't supply. I do think schooling in UK relies to much on parents stepping in with SEN and ND kids with support - but with tight budgets and increased demand I also see why they do.

However I have frequently worried I made wrong choice should have priotsied my career brought in more money so we could afford private assements - or better schools - half problem with DS GCSE was poor teaching/notes - school was struggling for staff - notes were poor and sometime books lost as teachers left - or being able to pay for proper tutors.

We are lucky DH and I are well and broadly educated - that we can both pitch in - even when we come home both shattered - and can say well there a few hours now get books and sit at table - while other does tea. Dsis a single parent with diffcult ex - her mental load isn't shared with another parent - she has no back up- so well aware my kids are privailged in many ways.

We've spent years building towards them having skills - and also years of telling them why exams results are important and getting then to think what they want to do.

Our kids are supportive of one another - older one will pitch in and help younger one - and youngest does keep an eye on what DS gets up to revison wise. Some of that must also be personality - we've had odd rough years with them - but DN same age as my kids is very pie in the sky thinker and thus harder to focus. Probably helps DH is in HE and we have always had attiutude education is important.

Demaning certain grades - nagging about revision but offering no support - how the hell it that going to do anything but cause stress to the parent child relationship and stress out a struggling kid.

If you can't physically sit next to them - and I agree not alway possible - can they work in local liabries/school/college or stay late in any revision classes at school - all mine use these as I did.

If they aren't going to get the grades have you asked about their plan B.

Do they work best with on-line revision tools or work book/revison guides - one of mine favours on-line tools another work books to slowly work though.

Have they got decent notes - I was horrified with what DS had at GCSE - we had to rely on revison book as they were a disjointed mess. Also their school didn't really do end of year tests - my secondary had - so they hadn't developed the revision skills and didn't get good direction from their secondary school.

Are they having input into revision plan or is it imposed - and if they've help make it have you asked why they haven't kept to it - do they want to do it and struggle starting or just don't want to do any or are they actaully struggling with some aspects - do they need more details task breakdown or help in some areas.

Are their teachers actually worried saying they need to do more revision or are they appearing to do none and still acing tests and exams?

Show quote history

In my case, school have raised it in a couple of subjects, but more to the point I see it for the end of year exams, where he gets mediocre results despite being able. It needs to be different for GCSE, that’s really my worry in this.
I don’t know about the OP, but life feels like one long argument : nagging about revision to no avail, and then fighting about screen time.

Interesting to read some of the other posts: hiding away PS, ipad, phones and canceling the wifi every time you leave the house….do people really live like this ?

MrsAmaretto · 28/02/2025 18:19

He sounds like a normal 14 year old boy? Between the hormones and nicotine addiction from vaping he’s bound to be grumpy and irritable.

We’ve had similar issues at this age, absolutely bollocked ds, gave clear behavioural expectations and demanded weekly behaviour reports from pastoral teacher.

You need to sort out the vaping; especially if he’s buying them off other pupils - some are being laced with small quantities of spice to get vulnerable kids on that path :(

Secondarystruggles · 28/02/2025 18:25

Some of my sons friends parents are definitely lighter touch than me for example allow them out later on school nights, let them keep phones & message overnight etc, not do homework but I think it’s good for them to have constant but not unreasonable boundaries in place. You can try and encourage them, in my case by working with them but you absolutely can’t make them if they are dead set against it!

For a start even if you turned all the tech off at home during school holidays surely at 14 or 15 they’d just go out to a friends rather than picking up a book to revise? Some of it has to come from them, not through parental control?

Original poster
MoSalahsBeard · 28/02/2025 21:06

Took ds to see the dr today. She spoke to him at length and she’s doing a referral for an assessment. Looking into private versus NHS wait time. She has also referred him to a new local MH service that has opened up for support so that’s good. She’s also doing stool samples because of his stomach problems.

OP posts:
Wishyouwerehere50 · 28/02/2025 21:09

MoSalahsBeard · 28/02/2025 21:06

Took ds to see the dr today. She spoke to him at length and she’s doing a referral for an assessment. Looking into private versus NHS wait time. She has also referred him to a new local MH service that has opened up for support so that’s good. She’s also doing stool samples because of his stomach problems.

Well I am impressed with your GP! Hope you get some answers 🙏

thismummydrinksgin · 28/02/2025 21:27

I think 14 year olds are dampus for this 😂 my son did the same, and he's 16 and lovely now . Wont give advice as I definitely didn't do it right but he wasn't easy to be around for a while x

My thoughts however are to keep a strong relationship with him, he's clearly struggling - is discipline going to help him or make things worse? Keep an open conversation, shower him with love and make the boundaries and expectations clear. X

thismummydrinksgin · 28/02/2025 21:28

Famous x

Sunnysideup4eva · 28/02/2025 22:02

Secondarystruggles · 28/02/2025 18:25

Some of my sons friends parents are definitely lighter touch than me for example allow them out later on school nights, let them keep phones & message overnight etc, not do homework but I think it’s good for them to have constant but not unreasonable boundaries in place. You can try and encourage them, in my case by working with them but you absolutely can’t make them if they are dead set against it!

For a start even if you turned all the tech off at home during school holidays surely at 14 or 15 they’d just go out to a friends rather than picking up a book to revise? Some of it has to come from them, not through parental control?

Still worth a try though eh? Rather than just shrugging?
What harm can it do, disconnecting /removing the tech during the day between 9 and 3?

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