Awful parent’s evening

[MoSalahsBeard]

We have been struggling with our son lately but the parent’s evening last night was very upsetting.

all but 2 teachers said he is distracted, doesn’t focus, and has had to be moved away from other kids.

On top of that as soon as we walked through the school gates his body language changed. He’s stuck his hands in his pockets and was walking around with a swagger. He sat in front of the teachers slumped down with his arms folded.

We found out recently he has been vaping as well.

we are despairing. We are looking in to adhd as he struggles to focus on homework at home too and we have to keep stints to 10 minutes max.

I don’t know whether to move him to another school or what. I’m so upset. What do we do?

Oh come on. His behaviour is classic ADHD and it’s unlikely to have come from nowhere.

Where did the OP say that he was a sweet compliant child until now? Maybe if you’d asked a follow up question before jumping to conclusions, you might not end up looking so foolish.

So op has noticed symptoms for 'years' and did nothing?

Sounds like a 14 year old boy to me. I have one, and I’ve had the same issues. I also suspect mine has ADHD but I don’t think he needs meds and at this point I don’t think a diagnosis will help

i agree with tightening the parenting. Very strong boundaries. Mine get £15 a week pocket money. Every detention saw him lose £5 and he had several weeks with no pocket money. His behaviour has improved.

i don’t give an inch on the behaviour at school. I’m incredibly clear with him. Attitude and rudeness is punished. If we run out of pocket money to go, we move to WiFi and we will keep going until he doesn’t come on a trip he wants to go on and then our summer holiday. I won’t have it

he doesn’t need to love school, he needs to be polite and he needs to shut up so the kids who want to learn Learn

knock on effect - better behaviour and less detentions, an email yesterday praising him and saying what a pleasure he is and some really good grades coming through

I have a 14 year old son, very similar to yours (although no vaping, thankfully). He's awaiting the outcome of an ADHD assessment. I feel that the storm of teenage hormones and school work suddenly stepping up a gear in terms of volume and demand for longer periods of concentration at secondary school (things like revising for tests) mean that those kids with ADHD who have successfully masked or coped with their condition previously can no longer do so. It all comes out in bad behaviour, lack of focus and dropping school grades.

My son's mental health is being affected by all of this, hence why we've opted for the ADHD assessment now (had to pay privately as the CAHMS waiting list is huge). We've had to push all of this ourselves. Rightly or wrongly, don't expect school to step in and suggest assessment etc. I would find the SEN contact for your school from their website and email them directly. Outline your concerns, say that you want to refer him for assessment and can they support you with this (even private assessment will require school to complete a questionnaire about him). You can do a CAHMS referral and private at the same time, the private appointments will happen quickly and you can then ask CAHMS to accept the diagnosis. They may also have access to a counselling service at your school. Ask to be referred to this. My son has just started his sessions and he won't talk to me about them, but I can only assume it's a positive thing.

One thing, somebody gave me some good advice. Protect the child, not the grades. Whatever is going on with him, it's likely to be a tough experience and could have long lasting effects on his mental health, self esteem etc. We are a high achieving family and I've had to work on myself regarding my expectations of my son when it comes to school work and exam results. Secondary school is tough and more so than when we were at school. Constant testing, teachers that are constantly telling us they don't want to be there (kids must pick up on this), too many pupils to manage in one class/year group, harder curriculum etc. So don't punish him for lack of focus/concentration if he can't help that (assuming ADHD here), although do punish for vaping.

@HappyMummaOfOne if your name wasn’t enough of a giveaway, your laughing reaction to my post show exactly the kind of person you are.

As above- been a teacher for nearly 20years and I knew your son was 14 straight away too. Great advice given by @MoSalahsBeard

FYI on the vaping and stomach problems: all my suspected and known vapers at work have all complained of stomach problems. Every time a parent tells me about suspected IBS I ask them if they think their child could possibly be vaping. Researchers are starting to look into it but as vaping is relatively new lots of what is known is anecdotal.

I believe 2 things are happening

1. Vaping is causing digestive problems (almost certain if this)
2. Kids are using the excuse that they need the toilet in school to go and vape! (Absolutely certain of this)

We can't underestimate the impact hormones, peer pressure and exam stress has on creating the perfect storm of chaos for teenagers- especially between 14 and 15 in boys.

OP - sounds like a couple of things. He is 14 which is bad enough, but if there are underlying issues like ADHD, they will get worse with puberty.

engage with school as much as possible. And pay for an ADHD assessment- at least then you can rule it in - or out.

Speak to Sen coordinated at school. They will be able to offer help.

One of my grandsons is autistic although he is an excellent student. His behaviour (he's 12) and his mental health has deteriorated over the past few months and DD (who has only recently herself been assessed as having ADHD) thinks that puberty is one of the causes. This is not just about 'parenting' or being a 'thug teenage boy' ffs.

If you’ve not already seen it, I recommend The Explosive Child by Ross Greene. So much good advice for how to parent a child who flies off the handle easily, also covers adhd and other possible Sen issues. Parenting a child with adhd is very different to other kids, they just aren’t wired the same, and it’s very easy to go in hard with the discipline which just pushes them further away. Worth a read, I know it changed everything with how we handled ds and how I have been able to suggest strategies with school that are being used across wider groups of kids now. It doesn’t need to be all shouting, aggression, isolation, punishment. Good luck op.

14 year old boy, hormonal, fed up. For God's sake, this has been going on since the dawn of time.
The curriculum is very narrow, it's the end of winter.
What do you hope to achieve by finding out he's got ADHD.
Its hard being a parent and you have my sympathies.

What happy? 😂
You’re right, my name says it all :)

Do you not have a school app, like classcharts where you get an overview of his day to day behaviour in school? If it was awful behaviour across the board then you’d be expect your son to have negative points and some detentions. Unfortunately the old no surprises at parents evening doesn’t quite work nowadays. Mainly because most parents can track day to day behaviour on the app.

It doesn’t sound like he’s disrupting lessons and being totally awful. This is a chance for you to work with him on behaviour, the aggression at home needs sorting out so that it doesn’t spill into school. Lots of kids now don’t know that they are meant to speak to staff in a different manner to how they speak to parents at home so they can start getting into a lot more trouble in school when they are causing problems at home.

They often aren't taught how to revise - I know DS needed a lot of support with revision during GCSE. Workbooks, past papers, ho wto summerize notes and help with making a plan can make a huge difference - there often just told to revise and not how.

NHS and schools here aren't as helpful as many on her assume - just sat on lists - and we don't have the money for private - and most of tehir chidlhoods had no luxuries to cut back on to try and save.

If you are in England - https://www.clinical-partners.co.uk/nhs-services/right-to-choose could help. I didn't know about them when we were - and now we aren't and there seem to be no equilent.

Yes, this. Punishment does not work with ADHD, it just adds to the negative messages they are being pounded with and the sense of failing without knowing why. People who will tell you things like “I wouldn’t let my child behave like this” have no clue about neurodivergence.

In the current climate for assessments, private may be your best bet if you can find the money.

Also look at ADHD UK and ADHD Embrace for information.

There's some really poor advice on here from completely ill-informed and ignorant people.

I think you're on the right track with ADHD. Keep talking, showing you love him, giving that emotional support and find ways to help boost his dopamine naturally until you can hopefully get a diagnosis and a better understanding of what is going on.

You’re a momma bear right? 🫣😬

Hey OP, not going to lie; his parents evenings sound like my parents evenings. I’m now 33 (f) and had my adhd diagnosis at 31. Don’t wait to find out as my 20s and teens were really hard without knowing.

I wonder what percentage of typical teenagers would be diagnosed for ADHD, if tested. Not everyone can have special allowances, or it won’t be special anymore.

It all sounds very frustrating OP but all you can do is persevere and ensure he has plenty of sensible activities to keep him occupied.

This is good advice. Being stricter, taking away stuff doesn’t necessarily work.

Some teachers have given good advice on this thread, but it’s very NT focused.

as @Bee23 says, you need to speak to SEN experts and try different approaches

He sat in front of the teachers slumped down with his arms folded.

What did you say to him? My boys would be told sharpish to sit the hell up and show some respect.

I say this whenever I can because my children were all affected by this....check his vitamin D levels!!!!
Multivitamins don't usually have enough to top up a deficiency if long established.
My 17 year old needed a loading dose of 10,000 iu at this time of year...prescribed by doctor when I found his levels were through the floor....I wish I had known this might have been the reason for his difficulties at 14...impulsive lazy anxious irritable...ds also had a diagnosis dyspraxia at 13.

ADHD, autism Dyspraxia can be co-morbid with vitamin D deficiency, anaemia, B12.…and it's such an easy thing to rule out

The reason so many teens 'have adhd' is because our system is completely unsuited for a healthy hormonal but energetic teenage boy. (and many girls0

Being unable to concentrate during boring lessons and during an almost completely sedentary day is NOT a sign of 'dysfunction'!!

Humans did not evolve and are not physically suited to being sedentary.

sedentary lifestyle in adults is associated with early death, dementia , heart disease and of course depression

yet we are surprised it doesn't suit teenagers?

I respectfully disagree. It's certainly possible to mask for a very long time in some settings but no-one can mask everywhere. I was diagnosed with ADHD at 24 but looking back there were signs even in toddlerhood. The trouble is that professionals are still looking for the wrong signs.

If OPs son has ADHD then it will have been present his whole life and whilst he may have been able to hide it for short periods of time in school or elsewhere, there will have been chinks in the armour.

Lack of focus in class, coupled with adopting a tough "persona" which he might think will make him more likeable, could well point to ADHD and/or ASD. It could also point to an arrogant young person who has forgotten who is in charge.

Clear, predictable boundaries and consequences are the best solution regardless of which it is, alongside getting the correct diagnosis and support if it is ADHD. It also be needs to be made clear that ND of any kind doesn't give you the right to be disrespectful.

I wonder what percentage of typical teenagers would be diagnosed for ADHD, if tested. Not everyone can have special allowances, or it won’t be special anymore.

I knew there was something up with DD1 from birth - velco baby - and reception was very sure she had inhertited my dsylexia and dsypraixia - even more sure with DS. Even with proper formal diagnosis rife in my and DH family we've been gaslite lied to dimissed. DD1 was 19 and at Uni before she was disagnosed- dyslexia, dyspraxia and inattentive adhd.

I disagree with some posters I think you can discipline with ADHD - just takes a different form

https://www.understood.org/en/articles/adhd-discipline-strategies
https://www.webmd.com/add-adhd/childhood-adhd/ss/slideshow-adhd-parenting-discipline-tips

^^ This stuff seem like basic good parenting to me anyway - work out how to help them succeed.