Awful parent’s evening

[MoSalahsBeard]

We have been struggling with our son lately but the parent’s evening last night was very upsetting.

all but 2 teachers said he is distracted, doesn’t focus, and has had to be moved away from other kids.

On top of that as soon as we walked through the school gates his body language changed. He’s stuck his hands in his pockets and was walking around with a swagger. He sat in front of the teachers slumped down with his arms folded.

We found out recently he has been vaping as well.

we are despairing. We are looking in to adhd as he struggles to focus on homework at home too and we have to keep stints to 10 minutes max.

I don’t know whether to move him to another school or what. I’m so upset. What do we do?

May all be interlinked. I recently had a lot of stomach issues and don’t know if I became anxious and depressed because of it but it definitely kept it going a lot longer. Definitely speak with him gently about what’s going on at school and also follow up medically as a priority.
can you get him some counselling too by a teen expert? I know people who’ve found success that way.

It’s neurodivergent, not neurodiverse

If the head of yr isn't responding try and get a contact for the sen team or do they have a pastoral lead. The sen team will probably/should be experienced enough to see pretty quickly if it's a sen issue requiring intervention or not, and advise you on diagnosis options if you want to go down that path.
My son is ND and my big message to him is always "yes, being nd (dyspraxia and autism) makes your life harder SO we and YOU put stuff in place to manage that and its hard work managing it unfortunately. Yes school allow you to use a laptop, but you stick at your typing lessons and get good at using it. Yes, you find it tricky to manage big emotions, so we all work together and find techniques to help manage it, like using a social battery indicator, learning good ways of communicating it, asking to be excused for ten mins. Its not ok to just stop doing school work, or to explode at people every day, if thats happening we look at why and we put in help"
If your son is struggling with adhd or dyslexia it can explain the behaviour but it doesn't excuse it, he will need some help but also some boundaries and support for him to self manage it so that he can get back on track. You can look at some of these things without having a diagnosis as they might help anyway, explore adhd support websites and see what they recommend at school- but he must engage with it, and be prepared to work with it, so the main question for him is does he want things to change and is he willing to work with you and school to get there.....

Personally I wouldn’t take away his hobbies especially if they are sports based.

I have two dc with ADHD and one who is on the waiting list for assessment. I have ADHD myself. Sport and physical exercise can be a fantastic outlet and a way to regulate behaviour and emotions and burn of excess energy

my dd who is also 14 has had a tough time in school but is slowly coming through it and that’s been a mix of boundaries, understanding, push for support in school and positive reinforcement. She plays football for a local team and I’ve never once used that as a punishment for bad behaviour. It’s been her outlet and her saviour really.

By all means give some consequences but choose wisely.

oh and ADHD can be diagnosed in teens or even adulthood. Mine was. My mum was in denial for years

Parenting a neurodivergent child is a whole other ball game!
if he is adhd it will explain a lot and the process itself will support you however in the interim you need to identify what his motivators are

for neurotypical people they're motivated by :
reward, importance and consequences

so that's how all schooling is set up

you try hard you get good grades
you piss about you get detention

but for a child with adhd they are just not motivated that way and they never will be

they're motivated by

interest
challenge or competition
urgency
novelty

so try switching things up at home to motivate him by tapping into one of those motivators

set up a meeting with school and an appointment with your GP to start the adhd process

check if it's covered under any workplace medical insurance or benefits as that's more common now

even before a diagnosis definitely consider pushing the school for some reasonable adjustments for him etc

I hear to say this!
bloody hell I know about 20 people at work who've had diagnoses in their 20s, 30s and 40s after their kids were identified as being adhd

especially females

Yes because it’s a new trend so all living generations are now being diagnosed. Mostly privately in the diagnosis mills 💰 💵

therefore enabling them to live an easier life through a combination of understanding some of their behaviours and challenges and medication to support quality of life. This is a good thing :)

I’m all in favour of all of those thing but I am sceptical about the numbers involved and the commercial motive here

It’s not a good thing that people who don’t have adhd are being given a diagnosis in exchange for cash. That is certainly not a good thing. Not for them. Not for the other people who DO have adhd. Not for society. Not for the NHS or the DWP. No one benefits from that

but how do you know? I have a brother adult diagnosed. Smart, but dropped out of his first degree, dropped out of teaching, still did decently work wise but now in his late 30s finally finished a more intensive degree after a diagnosis and medication, he was stunned at being able to sit down and stare at study materials and focus on them.

Just came back to report that he was diagnosed with ADHD last week.

Hope that school are able to support you both, now you have a diagnosis.