Awful parent’s evening

[MoSalahsBeard]

We have been struggling with our son lately but the parent’s evening last night was very upsetting.

all but 2 teachers said he is distracted, doesn’t focus, and has had to be moved away from other kids.

On top of that as soon as we walked through the school gates his body language changed. He’s stuck his hands in his pockets and was walking around with a swagger. He sat in front of the teachers slumped down with his arms folded.

We found out recently he has been vaping as well.

we are despairing. We are looking in to adhd as he struggles to focus on homework at home too and we have to keep stints to 10 minutes max.

I don’t know whether to move him to another school or what. I’m so upset. What do we do?

I did not intend to be insulting to families and young people with additional needs.
It must be very challenging indeed.
However it's like Wack a Mole when there is a problem. 14 year old is a bit sulky, doesn't like reading and puts hands in pockets. That must be the norm surely? Not everybody is masking or ND or dyslexic?

Masking seems to be very much flavour of the month. Isn't that just a fancy way of saying free time, movement and creativity have been eroded to such a degree that children and young people are sick of being caged up?

Several people have jumped straight in saying oh my God it’s definitely ADHD, dyslexia, autism – a combination of all three. Deeply unhelpful to OP

Silly to bandy this stuff about. Somebody who runs a playgroup said she could tell " they have it" when the kid walks in. Really?

Thanks for the apology, appreciate it.
However, you’ve described kids like OP’s son as
‘a bit sulky, doesn’t like reading and puts hands in pockets’.
So you’re not listening to her or are minimising, because what she actually said was

“distracted, doesn’t focus, and has had to be moved away from other kids.

he struggles to focus on homework at home too and we have to keep stints to 10 minutes max.
(I have a 14 year old and this is certainly not typical btw.)

He can be incredibly explosive- dh and I have both had things thrown at us recently.

He is struggling emotionally. Explosive outbursts, uncontrolled anger, sometimes being aggressive.

He’s also having stomach problems- diarrhea etc.

We have suspected adhd for years now.”

All that sounds a bit more serious than a sulky teenager, wouldn’t you say?

Masking seems to be very much flavour of the month. Isn't that just a fancy way of saying free time, movement and creativity have been eroded to such a degree that children and young people are sick of being caged up?
No, it’s not a fancy way of saying that. It means hiding signature traits of a disability to try and fit in. Not being yourself. Pretending to be like others when you’re different. Trying to pretend anyway and it can be exhausting.

Silly to bandy this stuff about. Somebody who runs a playgroup said she could tell " they have it" when the kid walks in. Really?
Probably not really, but someone who’s worked with hundreds of children will have a fair idea of what’s typical for a particular age group and what’s atypical behaviour. Much more than parents do sometimes, particularly in the case of younger children. That’s why nurseries and schools are so important in this regard and why they need to flag any issues to parents.

Not going to read the whole thread again now, but if they did that’s wrong. It might be ND, that’s all. Or that may be part of it.

Equally wrong to dismiss it as simply behavioural issues, he’s a brat or just a teenager though.

He is struggling.
It’s worth investigating why.

Quite right to correct my comments on the 14 year old.

The 10 minute stints sound pretty normal to me? Kids doing homework the morning it has to be handed in and so on?

I think we all hide signiture traits don't we? to survive?

I remember working at a vaguely Northern English accent to cover up my Scottish one. I feel like the term " masking" is the new " Oh he's dyslexic" Like " narc", these words enter the public domain and are bandied about here there and everywhere.

The way any type of problem is instantly diagnosed must be frustrating for children/ young people/ parents who are wrestling with challenges.

I think a lot if this behaviours are induced by the combination of a ridiculous straight jacket edication, poor kids not having access to toilets FGS! Disgraceful

I think we all hide signiture traits don't we? to survive?

We all code switch to be sure. Masking I would see as more intense?

It’s really a question of the degree of the behaviour, the negative effect it’s having on someone and the combination with other traits a person exhibits.
You wouldn’t be diagnosed as ND because you code switch between work and your friendship group for example. That’s very typical behaviour.

I think you’re minimising again tbh.
Agree that the educational environment only suits certain students though, and is very difficult for some others.

Can't understand why people are against the diagnosis. Whatever the situation if he has a conduct disorder the prescription is adhd meds so 🤷 if it keeps him well behaved sociable well behaved in school and then he becomes a fully functioning adult without going to prison or not working or in and out of work then what's wrong with him trying meds? Alot of young men in prison most likely have undiagnosed adhd maybe if they had meds earlier on their life would be different

You don’t think it would be better to try to actually deal with and work through his issues - which is money said again and again sound like classic adolescent behaviour that most people grow out of- than take amphetamines with these potential side effects? https://www.google.com/search?q=adhd+medication+side+effects&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&hl=en-gb&client=safari Plus these meds don’t always work as well as you think

@gladtidingss
Not sure about pp but I think first of all you should know what you’re dealing with. So an assessment would be helpful for OP’s son I think.

Whether medication is a good idea or not is a separate decision that can be made at a later stage when informed about risks and benefits. I don’t know anything about adhd meds so can’t comment on them.

There are strategies other than meds that you can use to help with a condition, but it’s difficult when you don’t know you have it. Also it can help with self-esteem sometimes if you know your issues are not your fault. It helps a lot when others, eg teachers, are aware of these things too.

I honestly think it's becoming problematic to start making judgements best lect to professionals.

It is as if it sort of feeds some sort of desire to make " difference" a desireable thing.
Kids ( and adults) change and develop. We are not the same at 10, 14 or 22. Particularly young men.
@Toolatenotdone, yes. you're right about code switching. Thanks

I’m an avid reader, my children see me reading and I read to them every night when small and only stopped reading to them when they didn’t want me to anymore.
The older ones have book shelves stuffed with books that I pick up from various places, graphic novels, books fact/fiction and some audio ones.
Despite being treated exactly the same I have one avid reader, who reads every night before falling asleep, and one that absolutely hates reading with a passion, even audiobooks are disregarded.

And mainly it’s better to take responsibility for your behaviour rather than blaming a condition and saying there’s nothing you can do

This is just a thought but do you think he would like boxing? I've seen it work wonders for a couple of friend's lads. I think it's partly getting your frustrations out on an inanimate object and part learning how to respect rules.

Yes, of course. But that’s not why people (or their parents) look for assessments usually, to give them an excuse to fail, or to say there’s nothing they can do?

It’s for the opposite reason.
To find something they can do to help.
They want to understand themselves/their child and hopefully be directed to strategies that might assist them.

I understand that it’s not often people’s motivation, but I think that can be a consequence unintendedly

Or maybe part of that is people sometimes just see ‘excuses’ when ND people are giving reasons why things are harder @gladtidingss?

You’d never suggest a wheelchair user was making excuses if they said their disability kept them late, but often the same consideration isn’t given to those with an invisible disability, even when others know they have the disability. Someone with adhd is late? They just didn’t try hard enough.

I suppose ND is on a spectrum whereas a wheelchair user isn't.
Where does D begin and end? We are all D surely?

its a nice analogy but as @lentilbake16 says it doesn’t quite work. The guidelines for ADJD were established to be applied to people whose lives were “seriously impaired“ by the diagnosis – that means living in squalor, unable to hold down any kind of job, relationships through the floor – they are not meant to apply to a teenage boy being a bit bolshy.

Wheelchair use is absolutely on a spectrum, with some users having limited mobility. For example, my friend has extremely bad arthritis, can navigate around her house on foot (with a frame at times) but needs a wheelchair for shopping trips or most trips outside the house really.

No, we are not all neurodivergent. Most people are neurotypical. Where it begins and ends is a tricky one but there are cutoff points for diagnosis. These change and can be subjective, but in no way does that mean everyone is neurodivergent. About 5% are estimated to have adhd I think, and 1 or 2 % asd very roughly.

What makes you think he’s not seriously impaired though?

No, he’s not living in squalor, but his parents are running the household, not him.

He’s struggling at the equivalent of his job, i.e. school. That’s the reason OP posted.

Relationships? He’s throwing things at his parents, being moved away from others at school, seems to be putting on an act there.

To be very clear, I can’t know if this boy is ND or not. From what OP has said it’s obvious he’s struggling and hence I think it would be a good idea to have assessments (adhd and/or dyslexia perhaps?) in the hope that it could help.

I honestly can’t understand why people here are being so dismissive. His mother, who knows him best, seems very worried. Why not be guided by her?

16yr old GS hates reading and has never picked up a book by choice. He comes from a family where all the females love reading but none of the males do. I don't know whether it's a bloke thing or genetic but it's been v frustrating over the years.

OP if you can go private for an assessment then I would advise you to do so. Also pay a bit more to opt for the (sometimes) additional tests which ensure they are looking at concentration drop off times past the half an hour standard. This is essential for a 14 year imho.
Not sure if you are already doing so, but start upping protein, especially in the morning, and supplement with a very high quality fish oil also B Vits, zinc and magnesium. Have you read How to Talk So Teens Will Listen book? It’s really helpful whether there is any neuro issue there or not. Also can you switch any of the online to more ‘useful’ stuff e.g. regarding subjects he’s interested in or something like chess, foreign language? More time you are engaging with him the less to game, such as teaching to cook, going for a walk.
Good luck 🍀

I hear totally what you are saying and most responsible parents of neurodiverse do work incredibly hard to with their offspring to achieve this. It’s much more effective to understand the issues before much of the ‘actions to change and improve’ work well though.

Not every disaffected 14 year old has additional needs. Not every family can afford the thousands of pounds needed to assess a child. Not every family can then pursue accessing support.
Many people just adapt and change. They look back at theri 14 year old self and barely recognise that person.

In the case of th OP , yes she knows her son and should be heard.