What do you think of open/polyamorous relationships?

[chocolateychurros]

My opinion is that well it's not really any of my business and it's a free country, but personally I don't believe that it's possible to truly love more than one person.
To me love means loyalty.

“Turning a blind eye” “steadfastly ignoring”. Neither of those suggest that the other partner has been open honest and agreed the situation in advance. Not very respectful.

I assume that one or two participants are very very happy with the arrangement and one or two people aren’t.

Nope, I think both situations would be awful. Yet they much prefer them to the kind of relationship I have. What works for them wouldn't work for me, nor vice versa

@ARichtGoodDram

My old boss turns a blind eye to his wife's affairs, that works for them. A friend steadfastly ignores her husbands affairs as it works for her.
As long as everyone in a relationship is in it for genuine reasons and is happy and respected that's what counts.

None of those are respectful relationships and I very much doubt happy though.

I agreed to an open relationship years ago. I didn't want other partners so didn't participate, he did, it was his jealousy that broke it up, I didn't realise at the time how much damage it did to us both so it all ended very badly but I do know others in open relationships so if it works for some thing great but I agree it needs to be a certain type or specific relationship to work when you allow other partners in your sphere.

I admit I've only known one polyamorous couple. The wife (straight couple) also had a relationship with another man. Apparently everyone was happy. Then after about a year the husband divorced her - he couldn't handle it. It seems inevitable really, sharing your partner with someone else.

Each to their own but it's not for me. I wouldn't like it. It's complicated enough having a relationship with one person, let alone having several people involved. I'm sure I'd get jealous too.

I think there's a reason (well, many reasons) why it's not popular. And never has been, unless you count polygamy in some very male-dominated societies.

I feel so sorry for you reading this 💐

You were a child. Even ignoring your ADHD, it was your parents responsibility to make sure any pets were properly looked after. You didn't have the capability back then and that is not your fault. Please try not to beat yourself up anymore.

Oh, wrong thread 🤦‍♀️

It's not disloyal though if everyone is on the same page.

It wouldn't be my ideal, although personally I'd be up for an open relationship in a situation where the current relationship is unloving, but there are good reasons to hold onto it (e.g. children).

Crucially though, I don't think that my experience of love - or anything else - is the standards against which the whole world needs to be measured. Just because you can't imagine loving more than one person romantically, doesn't mean that this isn't possible for other people.

You mean all 3 (or more) people

I've got a few friends in these relationships so have thought about it quite a bit.

One of the things that bugs me about open relationships is that there seems to be a certain amount of emotional repression going on. People are repressing feelings of jealousy while also trying not to get too attached to the people they're shagging. Of course the counter argument is that people in relationships are repressing desires towards others but I honestly don't feel that way.

It seems like there are lots of different ways to be poly but ultimately the challenge for me is that I think there's something really special about having one person who loves and prioritises you above everyone else. I struggle to see how this would work in a poly set up. But again for some people that's not the most important thing so it's not a big sacrifice to make.

What do you mean here by “not popular”?

I would also bear in mind that we often have little to no idea who we might know in this kind of relationship. Just as you may not know which of your colleagues (say) are bisexual if they are currently in a committed relationship with a given partner.

I do agree that it's impossible for one person to satisfy all your needs and on the face of it, if everyone's happy then why does it matter if it's against societies convention?

My and my OH don't have anybody else but the subject of me having a long term purely physical partner has come up (which i've never taken seriously), i've never known anyone do this so I don't know but i've always thought 'feelings' and emotional attachments would get in the way eventually.

In short I think on paper it all sounds like it makes sense, but people rarely do.

I don't know how people have the time with work,kids, keeping the house up together etc.

Not for me, but as long as all sides go into it fully informed and fully keen to be poly, it's none of my business and I wish them well.

I mean that only a very small section of the population chooses to be in a polyamorous relationship on a long-term basis.

And no, I don't buy that loads of my acquaintances are doing this and just not mentioning it.

It's the kind of thing that some people might experiment with when they're young and edgy, or might end up trying through circumstance. But opting in deliberately for the long term as a lifestyle choice? Not so much. In other words, I don't think it's popular, even among those who've given it a try. And most people don't choose to try it.

And no, I don't buy that loads of my acquaintances are doing this and just not mentioning it.

It's the kind of thing that some people might experiment with when they're young and edgy, or might end up trying through circumstance.

Do you see that the sentiments you have in the second sentence would make your acquaintances less likely to mention it to you?

No idea about your friendship pool, but though I am neither young nor edgy, I am both polyamorous (have been for many years) and bisexual - and to all but a very few people, I am a straight woman in a long term relationship.

I don’t disagree that more people are monogamous than polyamorous, just as I don’t disagree that more people are straight than gay/bi. I just don’t think “popularity” is the right word/way of thinking here.

Thank you for your perspective. It is all the more valuable because, through the extremely unscientific procedure of looking at the posts on this thread, it does appear that the percentage of people choosing to be in polyamorous relationships is very low. And this seems to be borne out by a quick google of surveys on this subject - not that I am in any way an expert.

I'm sorry to have offended you by my use of the word "popular." I will try to think of other ways to express this. I do not doubt that polyamorous relationships exist. I just don't think it's a choice that many people make.

I was thinking along those lines too 😆 The people I’ve known in poly relationships (back when we were in our 20s) were the type who have their whole personality based on being so unconventional and edgy and Not Like Everyone Else. They’ve all settled down into what appear to be more normal lives now, but they definitely liked you to know about it.

Personally an open relationship or a poly relationship is not something I’d want, but if it works for other people, it doesn’t bother me (excessive talking about it notwithstanding). However, I do have doubts when open relationships seem to be pushed by the man and the women seem to just be going along with it. Same for poly relationships.

I also have my doubts about whether it’s healthy for children to be exposed (not quite the right word, perhaps) to that set-up. Not least because there seems to be so much discussion/ navel gazing about balancing everyone’s needs that I feel that the needs of the children could be ignored amongst all that.

And on a personal note, I feel my existing relationships (husband, child, wider family, friends) mean that there’s only so much time left for me. That would only be worse if I had more than one romantic relationship. I honestly just couldn’t be bothered with dealing with someone else!

I don't relate to the stories on here. The two people that I know in poly relationships don't do it to be different, and they don't shout about it. In both cases, their own parents don't know about it. Both are married and each person in the marriage has partners outside of their marriage. Neither have children, though, and I'd imagine that complicated things a fair bit. For example, I'd be fucking livid if my husband was swanning off to a date while I was in the trenches with young DC! Also children force you to become financially reliant on one another, in a way that might sit uncomfortably with spending lots of potential family money on a relationship outside of the marriage.

@kellionette thanks for your post.

I don’t think you can read anything into the number of responses - both the first post and MN in general are, broadly speaking, not pro poly relationships, which can be off putting to being at all open about it on here. Indeed, some posts (not the OP or most posts here!) can be so anti that they are painful and insulting.

Hence why I keep this user name for (rare) posts on poly threads (if I happen to see them) and I keep it separate from my general musings on vet bills and gardening and the like.

I couldn't agree more!

But as long as they're not hurting anyone, why not?

Always sounds a bit silly, impractical and unlikely to work to me tbh. And a way to unnecessarily complicate life. But obviously people can do what they like - no skin off my nose!

A relative wanted an open marriage she ended up having a baby with one of her partners and getting divorced, she had other children. I wasn't impressed with her, if no children involved knock yourself out but with children not good.