Page 6 | What do you think of open/polyamorous relationships?

chocolateychurros · 2025-02-24T13:38:49+00:00

My opinion is that well it's not really any of my business and it's a free country, but personally I don't believe that it's possible to truly love more than one person. To me love means loyalty.

PansyPolly · 26/02/2025 07:29

@DreamingOfASilentNight appreciate the “up to them” - some posters are not so laissez faire. FWIW I have deeply loved two of my partners simultaneously, for a number of years. I also have some more casual connections - that are nonetheless affectionate and caring.

@mantaraya that’s a “closed” poly relationship. As @EBearhug says, there are many ways to do poly and that is only one. But it might be that two partners cohabit and each has relationships with other partners who also cohabit with other partners and so on. I know a lot of couples like this.

It’s ok to have priorities in this relationship style, as long as your partners know that’s the case. Just as if you got invited on the same day to two parties, you would know which friend’s event would take priority over which.

Scorchio84 · 26/02/2025 07:41

I've long given up the myth that you can get every single thing from just one person but I can't wrap my head around this? Be open by all means but it's not a relationship is it?

Who do you moan to about the bins or dishes? Who is the one who comforts you or vice versa? Oh but I'm sad too... 🙄

PansyPolly · 26/02/2025 08:00

Scorchio84 · 26/02/2025 07:41

I've long given up the myth that you can get every single thing from just one person but I can't wrap my head around this? Be open by all means but it's not a relationship is it?

Who do you moan to about the bins or dishes? Who is the one who comforts you or vice versa? Oh but I'm sad too... 🙄

Edited

If you cohabit, you moan about the bins to your live in partner or partners. If you live alone (and plenty of monogamous people in relationships do too!) then you moan to the cat or goldfish 😀

If more than one partner needs comforting, then you comfort more than one partner, same as you do when you have more than one friend going through something. And those partners may also have other partners supporting them, of course.

There can sometimes be a time/capacity issue - there are only 24 hours in the day! - but that’s true of life in general when family/friends/work things all come along at once.

Scorchio84 · 26/02/2025 08:58

@PansyPolly thank you for trying to explain it to me, I must be way more old fashioned than I realised

& not a "cool wife" for those as old as me 😆

PansyPolly · 26/02/2025 09:00

You are welcome and thank you for engaging with interest!

Hotappletea · 26/02/2025 09:03

I’ve dabbled in it and found it tiresome.

It is for people who want romance drama all the time. It brings in new drama with new partners and heightens the drama in the long term relationship.

I prefer the quiet confidence I have in my 25 year marriage.

Utr90 · 26/02/2025 09:47

EllieQ · 24/02/2025 17:09

I was thinking along those lines too 😆 The people I’ve known in poly relationships (back when we were in our 20s) were the type who have their whole personality based on being so unconventional and edgy and Not Like Everyone Else. They’ve all settled down into what appear to be more normal lives now, but they definitely liked you to know about it.

Personally an open relationship or a poly relationship is not something I’d want, but if it works for other people, it doesn’t bother me (excessive talking about it notwithstanding). However, I do have doubts when open relationships seem to be pushed by the man and the women seem to just be going along with it. Same for poly relationships.

I also have my doubts about whether it’s healthy for children to be exposed (not quite the right word, perhaps) to that set-up. Not least because there seems to be so much discussion/ navel gazing about balancing everyone’s needs that I feel that the needs of the children could be ignored amongst all that.

And on a personal note, I feel my existing relationships (husband, child, wider family, friends) mean that there’s only so much time left for me. That would only be worse if I had more than one romantic relationship. I honestly just couldn’t be bothered with dealing with someone else!

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Similar to the girls in my sixth form who pretended to be "bisexual". All married to/living with men, have children and identify as completely heterosexual and lead very boring, conventional lives now!

Maddy70 · 26/02/2025 09:53

I genuinely believe that it does work for some couples but it always works better for one of them :)

PansyPolly · 26/02/2025 10:00

Utr90 · 26/02/2025 09:47

Similar to the girls in my sixth form who pretended to be "bisexual". All married to/living with men, have children and identify as completely heterosexual and lead very boring, conventional lives now!

Edited

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Why "pretending to be"? Don't we all date people at 16-18 who are different to the ones we end up in life relationships with? If they only dated blond guys at 16 and then married someone with brown hair, would their attractions to blonds have been similarly "pretend" in your view?

mantaraya · 26/02/2025 11:19

But it might be that two partners cohabit and each has relationships with other partners who also cohabit with other partners and so on. I know a lot of couples like this.

What I don't understand about this set up (and I'm happy to be informed about this) is how the other relationships don't degrade your existing relationship. The reason affairs are so seductive is because they're an escape from the challenges (and sometimes drudgery) of a marriage. You can have a sexy fun little escape where no one has to worry about who put the bins out or who's going to fix the toilet. But surely this then puts your main relationship (with all its baggage and commitments and sacrifices) under strain?

PansyPolly · 26/02/2025 11:30

mantaraya · 26/02/2025 11:19

But it might be that two partners cohabit and each has relationships with other partners who also cohabit with other partners and so on. I know a lot of couples like this.

What I don't understand about this set up (and I'm happy to be informed about this) is how the other relationships don't degrade your existing relationship. The reason affairs are so seductive is because they're an escape from the challenges (and sometimes drudgery) of a marriage. You can have a sexy fun little escape where no one has to worry about who put the bins out or who's going to fix the toilet. But surely this then puts your main relationship (with all its baggage and commitments and sacrifices) under strain?

It's a fair point, and it's one that people in these kind of relationships should be alive to. But the person you do the bins with is also (probably) the person who sees you most often, goes through more of life with you, can 'officially' be there for/with you at family events and the like - and that brings rewards too.

It's like... it's nice to go on holiday, but it's also nice to come home.

I am not an evangelist for polyamory, if someone doesn't think it's for them, then they are (by definition) right, and if someone does think it's for them, they may or may not find a way and the right partner(s) to make it work.

EBearhug · 26/02/2025 12:30

mantaraya · 26/02/2025 11:19

But it might be that two partners cohabit and each has relationships with other partners who also cohabit with other partners and so on. I know a lot of couples like this.

What I don't understand about this set up (and I'm happy to be informed about this) is how the other relationships don't degrade your existing relationship. The reason affairs are so seductive is because they're an escape from the challenges (and sometimes drudgery) of a marriage. You can have a sexy fun little escape where no one has to worry about who put the bins out or who's going to fix the toilet. But surely this then puts your main relationship (with all its baggage and commitments and sacrifices) under strain?

This is probably why some poly relationships are closed. Others could be open, but only allow one-offs, or conversely, only allow established, regular partners that the main one has met.

There are many ways of doing it, and some would make participants feel much more insecure than others, but it might be different scenarios that raises each person's own insecurities, which is why anyone involved really needs to talk about how they envision it, their boundaries and whether that is compatible with the others involved- and it can't be a one-off discussion, because what you agree to at the outset might turn our to be something you're not capable of living with after all. It has to be an on-going conversation, and it just won't suit many people.