What do you think of open/polyamorous relationships?

[chocolateychurros]

My opinion is that well it's not really any of my business and it's a free country, but personally I don't believe that it's possible to truly love more than one person.
To me love means loyalty.

X post with @Glorybox2025 😀

That’s how they were marketed though. Your ‘average Joe’s’ in a different set up. Except it was hard to think ‘yeah, you’re totally all on the same page’. Just my opinion! If it works for those involved then all power to them.

I have a friend who has been in a throuple for almost 18 years, not only are they very happy, but three incomes means they’re also loaded.

I don't think I could do it. And we have a very trusting and free relationship (friends of both sexes, openly chat about our crushes on celebs etc).

However we do have friends who are in a poly relationship (there's 4 of them) and they've all been together for about 7 years now and it seems to work really well for them.

Many of us, me included are speaking from limited experience and non-direct experience too. I only know about poly relationships from friends who have been in them or at least experienced them growing up. I only have direct experience of 1 open relationship.

It's really not our fault for only having limited experience positive or negative, we all base our opinions on what little we know or have seen. In my case I've only experience or knowledge of coercion and abuse. I accept it's not everyones lived experience that their relationships are like that. Coercion and abuse is common in all types of relationships, most of us have experienced a terrible one at some point. I do become a little concerned that with the addition of more people, there is more scope for abuse. Not that poly is especially susceptable to abuse, I'm just thinking about numbers and opportunities for abusive people to misuse this kind of relationship, I'm happy to be wrong if anyone has any research on that...

From my 1 experience I know I am unlikely to choose to enter an open relationship again (never say never) but I do accept that is my choice to make for me only and not for me to force that choice on others.

If I was asked to offer advice to anyone thinking about poly and open relationships, I'd suggest that they gain as much information on them as they can, talk to people living it, get to know the people you are entering into this relationship with, consider the impact on yourself and others in the relationship, and go into it with your eyes open. I thought I'd done enough legwork and talking before my experience, I thought I knew what to expect for myself but I obviously didn't consider all the points, like how negatively it would impact my ex who was the one who really wanted this type of relationship in the first place and yes he is a man, stereotypes and tropes are there for a reason.

Ive thought about it quite a lot, as me and dh used to be a lot more adventurous.

I can actually imagine it working for me in some ways, as weve had threesomes which I enjoyed, but I think that emotional connections id struggle with more, and id hate my husband to fall in love with someone else.
I think id need far too much control for it to work and it seems like playing with fire

i've encountered a few during my life. None of them has worked out long term although in one, a same-sex pair were together for nearly 30 years before one died.

i'm the same as you, although for us it would just be for me and like you said the emotional connection and feelings may start to be an issue. Sounds great in theory but the practical side is probably very difficult.

What would you define as “long term”?

I assume 30 years until one died would be, but what is your cut off?

What about someone who has been with one of their partners for more than a decade, whilst, with varying degrees of overlap, was with another for 5 years or so, others for 1-3 years, others for a night or two… would you say that polyamory is working out for them long term, or that it isn’t, because not everyone they date is a “long term” partner?

I have friends in a poly relationship.

I'm not convinced anyone is happy TBH.

The primary? Relationship opened after one person cheated and the other suggested a poly/open situation.
They've both dated the same person before but not only one is with another person.

So A cheated on B. B suggested and open relationship.
A&B had a thing with C for a while but that ended.
B has a relationship with D ongoing.

Whenever I see them A looks awkward.
B is happy and D is jealous and not handling A&B together.

It doesn't cross my mind, but assuming it's all consenting adults I'm very much of the opinion suit yourself.

apart from that one, the other two didn't last a year after the poly-part of the equation was gone.

I’m not clear what you mean about the “poly part of the equation”?

Do you mean a couple that was monogamous, opened their relationship, closed it again and then split up?

you seem to take issue with me for some reason. What do you think it means?

(clue: poly vs mono)

Depraved.

Usually, one partner wanting their cake and eating it and the other going along with it because they don’t want to be alone.

Sorry if I am coming across as taking issue, I am genuinely seeking clarification.

@Brefugee given that on this thread, other posters have described polyam people such as myself as “depraved” or “emotionally flawed”, I am interested in engaging with those who are maybe not positive about the concept but have reasons why they feel that way based on their experience. Hence trying to understand what you meant by “long term” etc.

I have three close friends who live as a throuple. It hasn't always been easy but because they are who they are, it works. It means being honest and communicating well, not letting anything fester, etc. Occasionally, I have been a sounding board for them.
They are in their fifties and sixties, btw.

I think it can work. It requires a lot of self-awareness and honesty, and agreement about how things work - an open or closed poly relationship, and so - there are obviously far more permutations available than for a monogamous couple, and it has to a version that works for all those involved.

I think it takes a lot of emotional work, and not everyone is willing to put the work in - that's true of everyday monogamous relationships as well, but obviously the more people involved, the harder it can be to build trust and agreement that suits everyone. It's also true that sometimes, not everyone is as happy as others in the relationship - but again, that's true in monogamous relationships too.

No one questions that you can't love more than one parent, one sibling, one child, one friend, so why should sexual relationships be different (and technically, you could be in a non-sexual poly relationship, just as you can be in a non-sexual marriage; I just don't think most people would choose it.) It won't work for everyone but then there are plenty of monogamous relationships where you wonder why on earth are they together? So why not? There may be particular relationships where you can easily see why not, with all the red flags waving, but again, that's as true of monogamy as polyamory.

Up to them as you say, but from my personal perspective loving someone in a romantic way truly takes every ounce of you and they are all you want. Lusting after people and liking them a lot and turning that into multiple relationship s is a different thing and I do wonder if this is often what people describe in polyamory. I can't help but wonder how deeply they love each of their partners. U can live someone but too be truly touched and moved by then is in a different level to me. Love is personal and subjective though so perhaps it just means very different things to different people.

1. What is "love"?
2. What is "romance"?
3. How many people are actually capable of the "truly takes every ounce of you" level of intense feelings towards another person? I know that I'm not: I ditched my ex after I was finally able to move my cat in with me from my parents and I realised within about a week that my feelings for CatOfHate completely eclipse how I felt about my ex (and indeed every other human I've ever interacted with).

Honestly, they just sound tiring to me.

No one questions that you can't love more than one parent, one sibling, one child, one friend, so why should sexual relationships be different

But to me a monogamous, long term relationship (e.g. a marriage) isn't just about love. It's also a commitment that you'll be each other's strongest allies and prioritise their needs as much as your own.

Perhaps this can work in a three or four but it seems really complicated and with so much risk. What happens if two people in a throuple are ill? Who's holding whose hand in the hospital? What happens if one person in the throuple tells another a big secret. Is the third person left in the dark or do they also have to know? What happens if two people in the throuple have an argument? Whose side does the third person take or do they have to stay neutral?

Having to worry about these things would make me feel vulnerable and insecure. I don't think it's a coincidence that many of my friends in poly relationships feel like this a lot of the time.

I have no issues with polyamory or open relationships as a concept, though I think unless a relationship is started as such then it's unlikely to work as a "converted" relationship in the long term. I've known polyamorous people who are perfectly happy in their relationships, having been established and open about what they want from the first date, and equally I have seen relationships fall apart when one partner, usually the man, wants to "open" the relationship or bring in a third. I think there are a certain "type" of predatory men who are likely to abuse the nature of such relationships, but I don't know if that's more or less common than the predatory men who abuse the nature of monogamous relationships.

I think it could work for me, as I don't feel typical relationships and the expectations within suit me particularly well. On the other hand, I think it requires a lot of open, honest discussion and communication as a whole isn't my strong suit. I imagine it's very individual, really.