What do you think of open/polyamorous relationships?

[chocolateychurros]

My opinion is that well it's not really any of my business and it's a free country, but personally I don't believe that it's possible to truly love more than one person.
To me love means loyalty.

One of the arguments in favour is often that it lightens the load for women - shared housework and childcare and someone else to attend to his "needs" 🙄

That’s a VERY specific type of polyamory though (more or less polygamy, even if people aren’t all married).

Lots of poly people live with one partner and date other partners, or live by themselves, rather than blending households.

I used to think that.

Then I wondered about the power dynamics.

I think as a rule they aren't equal and that gives rises to all manner of problems.

Who in the relationship is the dominant character and who is the most subservient?

Even if they claim differently I don't think this is ever the case; it's hard enough in a monogamous relationship.

This means the potential for long term harms is much higher than in a more traditional relationship.

I would like to believe differently, but I don't think that is reflective of human behaviour.

Wouldn’t work for me, but if others would be genuinely secure and pleased with the arrangement then I’m happy if they’re happy.

@RedToothBrush it is also a poly/open trope that the man pushes to open the relationship and then gets upset cos his wife or girlfriend is more successful at finding dates 😀

I would say that I have seen a lot of different dynamics and, as with monogamous relationships, some are healthy and some are less so.

I think it would be possible to love more than one person but the chances of everyone in the group feeling truly happy and not over compromised seems slim. A fair bit of pretence must go on.

Putting this as nicely as possible (which still isn't very nice) I've never seen a poly couple where I'm not surprised that they can find anyone else up for a shag. (Not so with open relationships).

But then I'm a bit shallow about looks.

I'm also an introvert, so the last thing I would want to do with my limited free time would be to spend it with another person.

Putting this as nicely as possible (which still isn't very nice) I've never seen a poly couple where I'm not surprised that they can find anyone else up for a shag. (Not so with open relationships).

Interesting, I’ve known both good looking and not so good looking poly couples. Same as monogamous couples, really.

🤣🤣

@kellionette coming back to the “post response count” point…

Whilst this thread has been fairly mild, the very title “what do you think of open/poly relationships” is based on a premise that there is something there to adjudicate.

I doubt that a thread titled “what do you think of gay relationships” would be started as the very phrasing is somewhat… othering.

IMO - and others vary - polyamorous is my sexual/relationship orientation, whether I am dating one or many people at any given time. To hear hurtful generalisations, as I have on many threads, about lack of commitment or subservient partners or whatever… well, sometimes I just don’t want to have the fight.

The above poster who commented on the looks of poly people (s)he has met would probably not make the same comment about, say, bisexual people she has met, because it is also… othering.

I believe the people who do this are emotionally flawed/damaged in some way.

Can't say I've heard of many but those I have are always man with more women. Sure the women are free to sleep around but they don't seem to want to/are too knackered from looking after the kids.

I think they are very hard to get right and not end in dreadful fallout, but it can and does work for some people. Some poly folks feel, for example, that it's just too possessive to expect another person only be with you and obviously, vice versa.

But needs an awful lot of emotional intelligence to manage.

I get annoyed by some people who always seem to assume that women in these scenarios must be reluctantly doing just to keep male partner happy. Obviously, it does happen, but it's not the case that the woman is always reluctantly dragged into it, not even necessarily after years of a monogamous relationship.

The few documentaries/programmes I've seen on those in a 'throuple' situation, one always seems unhappy/uncomfortable, despite protestations to the contrary.

I didn't get it at all before a very old, very dear friend entered into a polyamorous situation. She has three partners, all very different and all with their own other partners. They do a lot of talking and are very explicit about their boundaries and their feelings. None of them has any children and in the 5 years they have all been together there doesn't seem to have been any discord or jealousy.

My friend, whom I have known since she was 11, is as straight as an arrow and very, very loving and loyal. It wouldn't work for me, I am resolutely monogamous and have been happily married to my best friend for 25 years, but I have never seen my friend happier or more fulfilled. Nobody is getting hurt or being lied to. The diferent partners gel with different sides of her nature, and although I would never have understood it if it hadn't been for her, I can see how it can be a happy and healthy way to live for some people.

i think it depends. i'm poly, and yes you can love more than 2 people at once, and i have friends in poly/open relationships..

They're hard work and take a lot of communication and honesty to be successful.

@Feelingstrange2 my dynamic is the other way, I know another woman exactly like me, and several pairings where it’s very equal. Just some more anecdata for you.

I think people should do what they want to be happy if that's what they wholeheartedly agree to do. From what I've seen one or more of the participants often have some mental health issues they're working through so I don't know they always come from the healthiest place and the relationships don't last long-term. I haven't seen many examples though and I'm aware many monogamous relationships aren't healthy and don't work out either. I'd like to see an example of it working well.

Fair enough! That's evidence!

Thanks, chum.

Coincidentally. I believe that judgemental people who make sweeping generalisations are emotionally flawed/damaged in some way.

Each to their own, if they're not hurting anyone and they're happy with it, good for them. Definitely not for me though. One husband is more than enough.

As you say it wouldn’t be my personal choice but providing that those involved are doing so with the genuine consent and awareness of everyone and there is good communication - you do you 🤷‍♀️

I'd like to see an example of it working well.

If I gave you several examples of myself and my friends for whom it has worked very well for many years, would that truly change your view? In what way would it change, do you think?

Well yes, because they are the interesting documentary subjects! Nobody is very interested in people who are just living nice pleasant easy lives whether poly or not.

I wouldn’t take the edit of a documentary/the selection of subjects for a documentary as any kind of general truth. Just as I’m sure there are a high proportion of people who don’t embark on a massive renovation whilst pregnant, but you wouldn’t think so from Grand Designs 😀