What do you think of open/polyamorous relationships?

[chocolateychurros]

My opinion is that well it's not really any of my business and it's a free country, but personally I don't believe that it's possible to truly love more than one person.
To me love means loyalty.

To me love means loyalty.

It's fine that polyamory/open relationships aren't for you, OP. But this sentence doesn't make sense, in that context.

You can be loyal to many people at once in other contexts (eg each of your children/siblings/friends) and you may sometimes have to manage demands on that loyalty (eg both siblings want help moving house on the same weekend).

So what is it that you mean?

I think it works well for people with no ties - I would say it’s probably quite a healthy dynamic for teens and young adults, and perhaps people who are single and financially independent (again?) later in life.

I think if you bring in things like children, shared finances, living together, all the trappings of a long-term comitted relationship, then it’s not really compatible.

But it’s fine to decide you don’t want any of those things. I think if you keep it clear that all of those things are definitely off the table, for all parties, then everyone knows where they stand and it’s less likely anyone will get hurt.

It's another way of shit men getting what they want.

I can sort of understand it. I mean, I love all of my kids equally, so I can get my head around how some might be able to love more than one partner equally. And I can see the attraction of being in a relationship where there are other to defuse any situations or to share worries with. It's not for me, but then, to be honest, no relationship is for me now, I'm far happier alone.

But each to their own and if they're harming no one then who cares what goes on at home?

Makes me feel tired just thinking about it

Not my cup of tea personally.

I’ve known 2 couples in them, one with an open/swinging type relationship and the other with an open/more bordering on poly relationship.

All of them had some deep mental health issues and a lot of trauma that I think they were trying to play out in their romantic relationships. Neither relationship lasted, though one friend is now remarried in a much more conventional marriage with a young family and seems much happier.

When I was a kid I was friends with children who grew up in a poly household. The children had learned how to be manipulative and frequently got away with all kinds of stuff. Now we are all adults they tell me it was awful. In front of visitors everyone was sunny and light hearted but there was terrible abuse and angry scenes, insecurities, and DV behind closed doors. All 3 of those children are in long term relationships and never wanted to follow their parents lifestyle.

I've know several other polys which seem happy but there is always a hell of a lot of compromise, submission, and insecurity behind the scenes. One friend who left a throuple which appeared really relaxed and content told me she hated the other woman who'd been brought in and frequently wanted to kill her. Her EXs brought in another woman and it broke up the whole thing. He's now looking for another woman to start it all up again.

Each to their own. What works for some doesn’t work for others. Everyone can live their own life how they want.

I agree in theory, if everyone's happy then that's what matters, but I can't see a way everyone would be happy with such an arrangement.

Utterly pointless what is the point to be in a relationship if you can also be with other people, it defeats the purpose and I think it will never work out long term

I couldn't live in such an open/poly relationship and honestly, I'd be disappointed if my chidren did.

It obviously works for some people but I'd be surprised if it was many.

Strongly suspect in most cases it's the man driving it in a straight relationship and the woman goes along with it because trapped/low self esteem/whatever...

I think it takes what's special about a committed monogamous relationship. It takes a lot to commit to someone, and when you're committed you do what it takes to make it work, you work on it. It is none of my business but I'd be lying if I say I don't judge.

I think that people who engage in them sure do like making sure everyone knows about it.

I have been married 20 years. I am in the process of separating because we have grown apart, no sex anymore, shared interests, completely drifted (and so many more reasons!). We have two teens.

Part of me thinks we could have carried on if we were open to other types of relationships. I was/am bored ridged and at 50 don't want to see my future mapped out with someone so lacklustre. But, we can't afford to run two homes and are living under the same roof. There is no animosity. We do things together with the children still.

So maybe some degree of openness might have worked for us in the short term while the children are still around? Who knows.

I have come to think it is extremely unlikely that one person can fulfill all needs for you for decades on end anyway.

I agree with a PP that being poly could mostly work for those with few ties, probably either younger or older.

In a system where you have different partners who themselves have different partners how to you navigate things like career changes, children, pensions, wills etc. What if one partner gets an amazing work opportunity on the other side of the country, but your other partner has small children with their other partner or a job that wouldn't be transferable.

Sounds like a bit of a trap (from the outside).

From the little I know about the subject it seems to be one man with multiple partners as the default set up. I appreciate there will probably be variables, but on the face of it can’t see what’s in it for the women, unless sharing the domestic chores is a possibility? I assume that the type of man who likes multiple women at his beck and call isn’t the kind of man who is great at cleaning the loo.

And yes I am making a bunch of assumptions here. Just can’t see what’s in it for the women.

Tried it, it was a trainwreck, never doing it again.

TBH, one partner is one too many.

Just can’t see what’s in it for the women.

When he wants sex, there's a chance that he will pester one of the others for it.

Personally I see it as still loving your partner but not fancying them and too unrealistic to cut the cord and move on. Like threesomes, they serve a short lived notion of pleasure but in reality often a deal breaker as one partner can't cope with it, in my case it was me who was that partner.

Open relationships seem to be an excuse to shag others.

Polyamorous I get more as I don't think 1 person can meet every single one of your needs.

I had that down as one of the shared domestic chores 😄

Not for me.

Good if t works for other people.

I do think that once you have kids it probably is not the best lifestyle to choose.

I've seen too many incidences where someone, a woman, is telling everyone how wonderful it is and later admits that there was terrible abuse from one partner and they themselves had mental health issues.

I think it might work, with very special, stable people who are always truthful and communicate well. Who knows two of those, let alone three? 🤣

From the people I've met it's actually more common for women to have more partners than men.

Not to say that there are not more men than women who want/try it, but on the whole the majority of the successful poly relationships I know are women with multiple partners.

We have an open relationship. It works for us. I think what works for a specific relationship is what is important. My old boss turns a blind eye to his wife's affairs, that works for them. A friend steadfastly ignores her husbands affairs as it works for her.

As long as everyone in a relationship is in it for genuine reasons and is happy and respected that's what counts.