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Original poster

My Husband Doesn't Want To Have Children

624 replies

KellyRowland · 23/02/2025 22:03

My husband and I have been married for 8 years (8 years in May) and been together for 14 years. My husband has only just said today that he doesn't want to have children. I've always knew I wanted to have children. I'm 37 and my husband is 39.

We started talking about getting married and having children when we were with eachother for a month and my husband was first to bring the subject up. If he said he didn't want to have children, I would have broke up with him because I knew that not having children would make me unhappy, and I've been madly in love with my husband since the night I met him. I couldn't stay with someone who didn't want to have children no matter how much I loved them.

A year before we got married, my husband said we would start ttc after our honeymoon. After we had been on our honeymoon, he said he wasn't ready to have children yet, so he said "we'll wait till next year" and I was ok with that, and we continued to talk about future children. A year after that when I asked him if we could start trying, he said the same thing, and he has been saying that every year.

Today we had one of our friends at our house, and my friend my husband and I had a chat, and one of the things my husband said to her was that he doesn't know if he wants to have children. But he said he might want to start a family in 3 years. If we wait another 3 years I will be 40, and I've heard that you have less chance of getting pregnant after 40. Even if I do start trying at the time and I do get pregnant, there is a big chance that we will only have 1 child and I want to have 3 children, 2 would be enough but to me, only having 1 child is just as sad as not having any children at all.

I have been crying on and off all day, so I probably won't be able to sleep tonight. I feel that I'll be upset forever unless I do get pregnant, so I feel we will need to either start trying now or I'll need to break up with him now. What would be the best thing to do?

OP posts:
Lottapianos · 23/02/2025 22:08

You're absolutely right that you don't have 3 years to wait around. What you do completely depends on how badly you want to have children. If you absolutely do want to be a mother, then as you say, you either start trying right now or you end your marriage. You need to give your husband this ultimatum but be prepared for him to say no to children. I'm sorry you're in this position, it sounds so painful, but it's time to be pragmatic

Jk987 · 23/02/2025 22:30

I'd tell him you're coming off the pill and let him deal with contraception for a start. At least then you can get your cycles back to normal and you're taking back an element of control.

DorothyStorm · 23/02/2025 22:34

I couldn't forgive this. Each year he told you not yet he made it harder for you to conceive. He might decide to have a child in three years. Nothing to stop him leaving you at that point and meeting someone younger.

you ned to tell him that waiting any longer isnt an option for you. His options are he gets on board or leaves.

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Frightenedbunny · 23/02/2025 22:38

My ExH did this to me. Promised me children then delayed and delayed his decision until I eventually lost my patience and asked outright. He then confessed he didn’t want them and had no intention to do so. It was a dealbreaker for me and we split up.

i was lucky enough to be only 30. I met someone else and we had our first child 4 years later. We now have 4 kids and have been together 23 years. ExH never settled down and is still single and childless.

Fridgedooropen · 23/02/2025 22:45

You'd be a fool to wait any longer for him to change his mind. Or for him to keep lying and prevaricating. Start packing tomorrow and get onto using a sperm donor. You don't have more time to waste. And you've said
I couldn't stay with someone who didn't want to have children no matter how much I loved them
A child is worth much more. Leave him.

By the way, this
only having 1 child is just as sad as not having any children at all
Is just not the case (and is actually pretty offensive) but if you do have a child you'll find out how glorious it is even with 'just' one. Not everyone gets to have a child so you need to move decisively now. Wishing you all the best.

PermanentTemporary · 23/02/2025 22:54

My first husband didn't want children; i did. I didn't really accept it until he had a vasectomy. Tbh that did me a huge favour as I had to come to terms with it. I left him. Two years later I met dh and had a child.

I personally think he probably justifies his lying to you because in his mind, if you were still there you couldn't really want things to be different. But it's unjustifiable. He has lied to your face for FOURTEEN YEARS while your fertility drops.

I'm sorry, because I know it's hard. But this is never going to change unless you change it. I would leave him and I would do it tomorrow morning.

The alternative is to say to him that you want children with him and you want to start trying right now, tonight, or you're gone. But I wouldn't put money on this guy being a good co parent to you.

StormingNorman · 23/02/2025 22:56

He doesn’t want children and he’s been too scared to tell you. That’s why it came out casually in conversation with a friend - he hasn’t been able to tell you. He’s not an idiot and knows you can’t wait until you’re 40 to TTC.

Copperoliverbear · 23/02/2025 22:56

I don't blame him, i would not have children now the way this world is.

Herewegoagainz · 23/02/2025 22:59

I agree you need to tell him it’s now or you are leaving. He knows he can say no in three years and you will just have to accept it, as you won’t have much time to meet someone else.

ChangingHistory · 23/02/2025 23:00

I am so sorry. You must be angry and devestated.

If you want children I'd be arranging fertility treatment now whilst sorting out your separation. You do not need a partner to have a child. And if it doesn't happen you can adopt and give a wonderful life to some unfortunate children.

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 23/02/2025 23:00

Fridgedooropen · 23/02/2025 22:45

You'd be a fool to wait any longer for him to change his mind. Or for him to keep lying and prevaricating. Start packing tomorrow and get onto using a sperm donor. You don't have more time to waste. And you've said
I couldn't stay with someone who didn't want to have children no matter how much I loved them
A child is worth much more. Leave him.

By the way, this
only having 1 child is just as sad as not having any children at all
Is just not the case (and is actually pretty offensive) but if you do have a child you'll find out how glorious it is even with 'just' one. Not everyone gets to have a child so you need to move decisively now. Wishing you all the best.

Yeah was with you op, until you said that bit about having one 😭

Still, you need to make a choice ASAP, as to how you're going to have children, do not wait and see if he will change his mind

StormingNorman · 23/02/2025 23:01

You have to leave him asap if you need children. Don’t give him an ultimatum and bring kids into the world with a reluctant father. Tell him you’re leaving and let that focus his mind on whether he’s willing to have kids to keep you.

Randomer75 · 23/02/2025 23:01

KellyRowland · 23/02/2025 22:03

My husband and I have been married for 8 years (8 years in May) and been together for 14 years. My husband has only just said today that he doesn't want to have children. I've always knew I wanted to have children. I'm 37 and my husband is 39.

We started talking about getting married and having children when we were with eachother for a month and my husband was first to bring the subject up. If he said he didn't want to have children, I would have broke up with him because I knew that not having children would make me unhappy, and I've been madly in love with my husband since the night I met him. I couldn't stay with someone who didn't want to have children no matter how much I loved them.

A year before we got married, my husband said we would start ttc after our honeymoon. After we had been on our honeymoon, he said he wasn't ready to have children yet, so he said "we'll wait till next year" and I was ok with that, and we continued to talk about future children. A year after that when I asked him if we could start trying, he said the same thing, and he has been saying that every year.

Today we had one of our friends at our house, and my friend my husband and I had a chat, and one of the things my husband said to her was that he doesn't know if he wants to have children. But he said he might want to start a family in 3 years. If we wait another 3 years I will be 40, and I've heard that you have less chance of getting pregnant after 40. Even if I do start trying at the time and I do get pregnant, there is a big chance that we will only have 1 child and I want to have 3 children, 2 would be enough but to me, only having 1 child is just as sad as not having any children at all.

I have been crying on and off all day, so I probably won't be able to sleep tonight. I feel that I'll be upset forever unless I do get pregnant, so I feel we will need to either start trying now or I'll need to break up with him now. What would be the best thing to do?

He is saying wait three years so he can run down the clock.

I would be very angry.

TheaBrandt1 · 23/02/2025 23:03

What will be any different for him in 3 years?

CheekyHobson · 23/02/2025 23:03

Copperoliverbear · 23/02/2025 22:56

I don't blame him, i would not have children now the way this world is.

Utterly unnecessary and insensitive.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 23/02/2025 23:06

If you really think having one child is as bad as having none then I don’t think you should bother having children anyway, it’s not an accessory game.

Overall I think you’ve been really naive here OP, he’s been dragging his heels for 8 years and you want 3 kids. Your fertility is already way in decline and 3 kids isn’t a given at all. Are you sure you really want kids? Or are you just sad to make it final?

Babyghirl · 23/02/2025 23:06

Copperoliverbear · 23/02/2025 22:56

I don't blame him, i would not have children now the way this world is.

No he's to blame for stringing op along for 14 years making her believe he wanted kids, running down her body clock, he has every right to not want kids, but not right to do what he's done to op.

Wibblywobblybobbly · 23/02/2025 23:08

He's hoping that in three years it will be too late for you. If you're happy to go it alone then crack on and have a baby without him.

Don't give up your dream of motherhood for a man that has led you on for years. You'll regret it and just come to resent him.

Valid8me · 23/02/2025 23:09

If you have always wanted to have 3 children then I don't think you should have waited until the age of 37. You have been together 14 years and should have had a serious conversation with him much earlier and not let him keep sayiing 'maybe next year'.

Lavender14 · 23/02/2025 23:11

Copperoliverbear · 23/02/2025 22:56

I don't blame him, i would not have children now the way this world is.

Whether or not his reasons for not wanting to have children are justified is neither here nor there. He's lied and strung op along for years and left her in a position where she is only finding this out now at 37 while she's been upfront from the beginning that having kids is a non negotiable. That's a massive betrayal and incredibly selfish of him.

Op I'm sorry he's put you in this position. I'd be devastated if it were me. I think you have 3 options here and all of them start with sitting him down tomorrow and having a very honest conversation about how finding this out now has made you feel and how serious it is that he's only bringing it up now after repeatedly making you think it was on the cards. I think you need to tell him that you definitely know you want children and you are 37 so you need to start ttc now, that you are done waiting for him to get on board so this is decision time. Ask him directly can he get himself on board and start trying for a baby with you. If he says yes then you try but I think you'd need to also lay clear expectations around him stepping up when baby arrives and not leaving it to you. If he's in he needs to be ALL in. If he says no, then you need to decide whether to leave and either go for it alone or process the ending of the relationship as best you can and try and date again with the hope you meet someone soon. Option 3 is you decide whether you don't want to take the gamble with option 2 and if you can move past this with him and accept being child free and do it without resenting him for it.

Nothing here is easy op, he's handled his very badly and you deserved better from him.

LavenderFields7 · 23/02/2025 23:12

Both parents need to want kids 1000%. He is not interested. You are going to have to chose whether you want him, or kids.

Snoopdoggydog123 · 23/02/2025 23:14

You need out ASAP.
It's over.
Even if he caves and gives into you he won't be an equal parent or dedicated partner.

You need to get out and decided how you want to be a mother and make it happen.

Millyjanice · 23/02/2025 23:15

Just tell him you’re coming off contraception and if he wants sex with you from now he’ll have to wear condoms.
Or just tell him that you’re not having sex anymore because that’s for reproduction.

Waiting another 3 years is him knowing that you might not be able to conceive by then. He’s got away with stringing you along all this time and he thinks he can get away with it for just a bit longer then it’s over ( for you, at least).
He’s told you 3 years so you won’t ask him every year.

Radionowhere · 23/02/2025 23:17

I couldn't forgive this. Absolute deal breaker for me. I'd leave. He's been stringing you along for years.

PermanentTemporary · 23/02/2025 23:17

Tbh telling him you're not going to use contraception seems like a fast way to lose your sex life as well as your chance of children.

If you're with someone who has lied this much about your heart's desire I think the best option is to go.