Page 24 | My Husband Doesn't Want To Have Children

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 25/02/2025 21:02

OP has not been back.

I hope it's because she's too busy putting his stuff in bin bags, but sadly I suspect she will still be in the same situation three years from now. And two years after that she'll be posting that her husband left her and 6 months later got his 30 year old girlfriend pregnant.

miss79guided · 25/02/2025 21:10

KellyRowland · 23/02/2025 22:03

My husband and I have been married for 8 years (8 years in May) and been together for 14 years. My husband has only just said today that he doesn't want to have children. I've always knew I wanted to have children. I'm 37 and my husband is 39.

We started talking about getting married and having children when we were with eachother for a month and my husband was first to bring the subject up. If he said he didn't want to have children, I would have broke up with him because I knew that not having children would make me unhappy, and I've been madly in love with my husband since the night I met him. I couldn't stay with someone who didn't want to have children no matter how much I loved them.

A year before we got married, my husband said we would start ttc after our honeymoon. After we had been on our honeymoon, he said he wasn't ready to have children yet, so he said "we'll wait till next year" and I was ok with that, and we continued to talk about future children. A year after that when I asked him if we could start trying, he said the same thing, and he has been saying that every year.

Today we had one of our friends at our house, and my friend my husband and I had a chat, and one of the things my husband said to her was that he doesn't know if he wants to have children. But he said he might want to start a family in 3 years. If we wait another 3 years I will be 40, and I've heard that you have less chance of getting pregnant after 40. Even if I do start trying at the time and I do get pregnant, there is a big chance that we will only have 1 child and I want to have 3 children, 2 would be enough but to me, only having 1 child is just as sad as not having any children at all.

I have been crying on and off all day, so I probably won't be able to sleep tonight. I feel that I'll be upset forever unless I do get pregnant, so I feel we will need to either start trying now or I'll need to break up with him now. What would be the best thing to do?

Make your husband, and yourself aware that.
> Having children, does not have to be your OWN children.
You can adopt, borrow even foster - do a trial run.

Make yourself available to provide foster care, it is a paid situation.
unityfostercare.co.uk/

T1Dmama · 25/02/2025 21:30

I’m a little surprised you let this subject get dismissed year in and year out, even at 37 you’re half as fertile as you were in your 20’s.
I can’t help but feel that he’s love bombed you with the promise of the life he knew you wanted and then trapped you in a relationship where even if you left now, realistically you wouldn’t find someone else in time to get to the point of having children with them before you hit your 40’s!
I used to work with someone who hadn’t had children by the time she hit her 30’s, so she elected to use a sperm donor and did it alone.. your chance now of conceiving is dwindling daily.. I really struggled to conceive in my 30’s

T1Dmama · 25/02/2025 21:33

And having one is not as sad as not having any at all?!? WTAF at that comment!!
I tried for 11 years to conceive and finally was blessed with my DD, never conceived a second time despite never using contraception…. I actually feel very blessed and grateful I only had one as I look at my friends who have 2 and the majority have constant issues / sibling rivalry … whereas I don’t have to referee kids fighting and my relationship with DD is very close and I’ve been able to give her so much more

Danielle9891 · 25/02/2025 21:35

Surely this isn't the first time this conversation has come up. You've been together for 14 years. All throughout most of your 20s and 30s. Why don't you get your fertility checked then you know if you're even in with a chance of having children naturally now.

Devianinc · 25/02/2025 21:37

I wonder why he lied to you about it. Very selfish and not fair.

MrsMrsD · 25/02/2025 21:48

You're 37, your fertility will already be dropping off a cliff unfortunately. He's never wanted children and has been stringing you along I think OP. He knows full well you were at your fertility peak years ago. If you really want children then you need to go it alone by the sounds of it. Unless you meet someone straightaway and conceive ASAP.

Munnygirl · 25/02/2025 22:21

flipflop76 · 25/02/2025 20:32

Slightly offended at the comment about one child being just as sad as no children at all. We went through hell and high water over nearly a decade to have our DD and wr are very happy as a family of 3. I don't think I would have the emotional resources to cope with more than one child but everyone is different. I definitely don't see it as sad though. I have a sibling myself and we don't get on so there are no guarantees.

I’m so glad you got your girl in the end

SuperFishy · 25/02/2025 22:29

At 37, if he's not sure, he never will be. It sounds like he's strung you along in the hope you'll either get too old, or change your mind. Is your relationship decent now? I'd be wary about having a child with him as even if he agrees, he could potentially leave you as a single mum. I'd probably leave him and find someone who does want children.

S18 · 25/02/2025 22:59

At 37 you’d be lucky to have time to have 3 children. Absolutely disgusting and offensive comment about only children.

OldScribbler · 25/02/2025 23:27

DorothyStorm · 23/02/2025 22:34

I couldn't forgive this. Each year he told you not yet he made it harder for you to conceive. He might decide to have a child in three years. Nothing to stop him leaving you at that point and meeting someone younger.

you ned to tell him that waiting any longer isnt an option for you. His options are he gets on board or leaves.

Edited

What a shit! To me this is just ruining a dream.

saffronspices · 25/02/2025 23:36

Have you been so in love with him for 14 years that you've never questioned him any deeper than going along with what he's said? Has the penny never dropped until now and the way he drops it out casually in front of a friend? The only thing he has left is a choice for you to make - would you rather have me or children, which would you choose? Have you honestly been that niave?

What a pig

August1980 · 25/02/2025 23:50

Op, how very insensitive of you. not sure what’s wrong with the Mumsnetters today but you have gotten lightly with your One child is just as sad as not having any comment. whilst I know this isn’t about me here are some hard truths from someone who only has one child…not because we didn’t want more but we couldn’t have any more! been together for 14 and married for 10 years and 9 years of failed IVF treatment/very rough and expensive journey and we started our treatment at 36! Our diagnosis unexplained infertility. So nothing really wrong except age! You would be lucky (and blessed) to have just ‘the one’.

everyone has suggested you take charge of the situation and tell him how you feel and what you want - but be prepared he has free will too so if he doesn’t want them you can’t force him into it! He is/was an absolute arse to have strung you along all these years (probably just ignorant of how fertility works) but at the same time which rock have you been hiding under not to own your own fertility? When you heard it gets harder at 40 have you made arrangements for your preliminary fertility MOT? You should probably start there! Best of luck

gyalgyal · 26/02/2025 01:13

KellyRowland · 23/02/2025 22:03

My husband and I have been married for 8 years (8 years in May) and been together for 14 years. My husband has only just said today that he doesn't want to have children. I've always knew I wanted to have children. I'm 37 and my husband is 39.

We started talking about getting married and having children when we were with eachother for a month and my husband was first to bring the subject up. If he said he didn't want to have children, I would have broke up with him because I knew that not having children would make me unhappy, and I've been madly in love with my husband since the night I met him. I couldn't stay with someone who didn't want to have children no matter how much I loved them.

A year before we got married, my husband said we would start ttc after our honeymoon. After we had been on our honeymoon, he said he wasn't ready to have children yet, so he said "we'll wait till next year" and I was ok with that, and we continued to talk about future children. A year after that when I asked him if we could start trying, he said the same thing, and he has been saying that every year.

Today we had one of our friends at our house, and my friend my husband and I had a chat, and one of the things my husband said to her was that he doesn't know if he wants to have children. But he said he might want to start a family in 3 years. If we wait another 3 years I will be 40, and I've heard that you have less chance of getting pregnant after 40. Even if I do start trying at the time and I do get pregnant, there is a big chance that we will only have 1 child and I want to have 3 children, 2 would be enough but to me, only having 1 child is just as sad as not having any children at all.

I have been crying on and off all day, so I probably won't be able to sleep tonight. I feel that I'll be upset forever unless I do get pregnant, so I feel we will need to either start trying now or I'll need to break up with him now. What would be the best thing to do?

🥺 oh sweet thing :(

saffronspices · 26/02/2025 01:31

I had my one and only at 41 and I've been so grateful to have her in my life from the day she was born. I had a husband who said he wanted a child as much as me, he already had one that wasn't planned and the resentment he felt towards the child and the mother was unreal. I had to wait until his other child no longer needed financial support before we could ttc. I'd never wanted any children until I hit 37 when the physical and mental yearning hit me like a fast speed train. 3 more years I had to wait, an early miscarriage at 40 but finally she arrived when I was 41. My husband turned into a pig a few weeks later and he's continued to be that pig ever since. We left when DD was 4, he's been a worse pig than I ever imagined to both of us for the last 16 years. He obviously knew he wasn't dad material and only has time for himself. So my advice is 'be careful what you wish for and just because they agree to something doesn't mean they actually want it'.

QueSyrahSyrah · 26/02/2025 07:49

In all fairness @saffronspices if he already had a child that he resented and presumably didn't have much to do with then the fact he 'turned into' a pig after your DC was born couldn't have come as much of a surprise? He was always a pig.

A friend of mine is in the process of having a baby with a man who already has two that he has minimal contact with. Why she thinks this one will be different I've got no idea 🤷🏻‍♀️

Lolalady · 26/02/2025 08:00

I don’t disagree that your DH has dropped a massive bombshell on you OP and I can understand you must be feeling very betrayed.

You need to have a frank discussion with him. What has made him come to this decision? Having a child together is a huge thing and maybe he’s been thinking about its implications and responsibilities.

As for not wanting just one child, I’m an “only” child and I never felt I missed out not having siblings. In fact my childhood friends used to envy me!

I do hope you are able to resolve this. Big hugs.

OldScribbler · 26/02/2025 08:09

QueSyrahSyrah · 26/02/2025 07:49

In all fairness @saffronspices if he already had a child that he resented and presumably didn't have much to do with then the fact he 'turned into' a pig after your DC was born couldn't have come as much of a surprise? He was always a pig.

A friend of mine is in the process of having a baby with a man who already has two that he has minimal contact with. Why she thinks this one will be different I've got no idea 🤷🏻‍♀️

Tragic. The children pay for their parents' lack of love or intelligence

Mayana1 · 26/02/2025 08:17

KellyRowland · 23/02/2025 22:03

My husband and I have been married for 8 years (8 years in May) and been together for 14 years. My husband has only just said today that he doesn't want to have children. I've always knew I wanted to have children. I'm 37 and my husband is 39.

We started talking about getting married and having children when we were with eachother for a month and my husband was first to bring the subject up. If he said he didn't want to have children, I would have broke up with him because I knew that not having children would make me unhappy, and I've been madly in love with my husband since the night I met him. I couldn't stay with someone who didn't want to have children no matter how much I loved them.

A year before we got married, my husband said we would start ttc after our honeymoon. After we had been on our honeymoon, he said he wasn't ready to have children yet, so he said "we'll wait till next year" and I was ok with that, and we continued to talk about future children. A year after that when I asked him if we could start trying, he said the same thing, and he has been saying that every year.

Today we had one of our friends at our house, and my friend my husband and I had a chat, and one of the things my husband said to her was that he doesn't know if he wants to have children. But he said he might want to start a family in 3 years. If we wait another 3 years I will be 40, and I've heard that you have less chance of getting pregnant after 40. Even if I do start trying at the time and I do get pregnant, there is a big chance that we will only have 1 child and I want to have 3 children, 2 would be enough but to me, only having 1 child is just as sad as not having any children at all.

I have been crying on and off all day, so I probably won't be able to sleep tonight. I feel that I'll be upset forever unless I do get pregnant, so I feel we will need to either start trying now or I'll need to break up with him now. What would be the best thing to do?

Just to tell you, I feel for you. I got pregnant at 38 and gave birth at 39. Three years forward we wanted to try again and now circumstances changed and I'm happy to have one only, but I might just got pregnant, I'll do a test today.
It's possible after 40, but it's just less chances.

Lookingatabookshelf · 26/02/2025 09:33

Poor you. My husband was a reluctant father. I think if I hadn't insisted we wouldn't have had children. He is very anxious and kept trying to find the "perfect" times and constantly over thought it. Truth is there is never a good time for children. It's hard work, stressful on your relationship and expensive. However the rewards are unbelievable. The love, the life experience the joy of revisiting childhood is awesome and profound. My husband does not regret his decision to have children. You will need to be prepared to have the serious conversation because the time is now! He might just be putting it off because in his head there is always time but you know there isn't. Good luck.

Redruby2020 · 26/02/2025 10:59

@OldScribbler

Tragic. The children pay for their parents' lack of love or intelligence

True.
Well they always say look at how your partner treats any kids they have from previous and that will tell you a lot.

Mind you I know of a few who yes the man sees and fought for contact. Again this should not be exactly patted on the back for, it isn't special to want to be involved with your kids, it's just that there are so many bad guys out there.
So one in particular didn't even have a place for his kids to stay as they were getting bigger, didn't seem to do anything about it, and just asked his gf if he could have them at her place. So it's 4 kids stuffed in one tiny room when he has his contact, as there are two kids that already live there, one being theirs together.
I'm sorry but despite the fact this guy works full time, well paid job, he seems quite happy to rely on the government housing his kids.
And him and his gf don't even live together, he stays btw her place and his families.

DearDenimEagle · 26/02/2025 11:18

StormingNorman · 23/02/2025 23:01

You have to leave him asap if you need children. Don’t give him an ultimatum and bring kids into the world with a reluctant father. Tell him you’re leaving and let that focus his mind on whether he’s willing to have kids to keep you.

That leads to a reluctant father. A resentful father. He doesn’t want kids. Blackmailing him into agreeing does not make him a willing father. He might enjoy once they arrive but that’s a gamble. He could still turn out to be just a sperm donor, who stays out so as not to have to parent. Having kids is a 2 yes or one no. If that’s not working for one, then they have to find someone on the same page, or go it alone

dh280125 · 26/02/2025 12:05

He's flat our lied to you, hoping the issue would go away. Get couples therapy to dig into it. Then if it really is clear he's not up for it, get out. Either way you have NO time left to mess around. Maybe freeze some eggs? Whatever, you need to get your fertility tested ASAP.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 26/02/2025 12:46

ThisFluentBiscuit · 24/02/2025 20:26

You know, all the virtue-signalling on here is hilarious. This place is full of mums who adore their children. As if you wouldn't quietly toss the contraception if you'd been backed into the kind of terrible choice that OP has.

Yeah, sure, you'd Do the Right Thing and do sperm donation or try desperately to get divorced at 37 and rustle up another life partner before your fertility ran out. And sure, you'd accept a childless life if such unlikely measures didn't work. Pull the other one! 🤭 The drive to have children is one of the strongest drives in human nature. I bet thousands of mothers on MN got pregnant accidentally on purpose. You never had to in the old days, before contraception, because men accepted that babies were part of marriage. After contraception allowed men to endlessly adolesce, women sometimes have to take matters into their own hands.

If partners were honest with each other, none of these situations would ever occur.

I'm not looking at it from that angle, just from any potential child's. I had a father who didn't deserve children at all - and it really shaped our lives.

Many children have really happy family lives, involved fathers who provide - and the ones who don't get born in the same way, by women who want them at any cost - and for that latter group, by men who don't and either say they do or just fuck off.

People do not have children for the child's sake, not ever.

Didimag · 26/02/2025 13:34

When we got married, my husband and i agreed that we wanted children, if not our own then we would adopt. I had my nephew and niece stay with us for a couple of weeks - he threw a tantrum every evening! So the next few times I took them away to ski (I live in switzerland) so I only had one tantrum when we returned.
Then when I asked again about children, he didn[t want them as it would mean that I would have to work less - a physio with my own practice I was a high earner - "We don[t have time", he said...
Divorced. He died in a care home, alone, no family, bitter to the end. I[m now a happy honorary Mum and Gran for a gorgeous African family...

My Husband Doesn't Want To Have Children

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