My Husband Doesn't Want To Have Children

[KellyRowland]

My husband and I have been married for 8 years (8 years in May) and been together for 14 years. My husband has only just said today that he doesn't want to have children. I've always knew I wanted to have children. I'm 37 and my husband is 39.

We started talking about getting married and having children when we were with eachother for a month and my husband was first to bring the subject up. If he said he didn't want to have children, I would have broke up with him because I knew that not having children would make me unhappy, and I've been madly in love with my husband since the night I met him. I couldn't stay with someone who didn't want to have children no matter how much I loved them.

A year before we got married, my husband said we would start ttc after our honeymoon. After we had been on our honeymoon, he said he wasn't ready to have children yet, so he said "we'll wait till next year" and I was ok with that, and we continued to talk about future children. A year after that when I asked him if we could start trying, he said the same thing, and he has been saying that every year.

Today we had one of our friends at our house, and my friend my husband and I had a chat, and one of the things my husband said to her was that he doesn't know if he wants to have children. But he said he might want to start a family in 3 years. If we wait another 3 years I will be 40, and I've heard that you have less chance of getting pregnant after 40. Even if I do start trying at the time and I do get pregnant, there is a big chance that we will only have 1 child and I want to have 3 children, 2 would be enough but to me, only having 1 child is just as sad as not having any children at all.

I have been crying on and off all day, so I probably won't be able to sleep tonight. I feel that I'll be upset forever unless I do get pregnant, so I feel we will need to either start trying now or I'll need to break up with him now. What would be the best thing to do?

Also 1+ to egg freezing being a complete waste of time and money in your situation.
Get out there and find a sperm donor and get going.

Absolute betrayal of trust. To me this would be worse than cheating.
I'm so sorry op.
Agree with others , start trying now.

I had every sympathy until I got to the bit about having one being just as sad as none.

Perhaps children aren't for you if that's how you truly feel? What if you'd had one and then couldn't have any more? They wouldn't be good enough on their own? Disgusting.

Either way you've been incredibly foolish to let him delay this long without sitting down for a serious conversation if you wanted 3 children because it's vanishingly unlikely that will happen now. Your remaining options are to leave him and start the donor process on your own asap.

He's only been honest about this now because he's calculated that at 37, you are unlikely to leave him on the off chance of meeting someone else in time to have children.

So he's intentionally manipulated you along the path that is most likely to result in you remaining with him until you are infertile. So far he's been successful and you are well on your way to never having children.

I couldn't remain with someone willing to behave so selfishly and disrespectfully. Be prepared for the pain of watching him easily have children with another younger woman after you split up, seems to be a very common pattern.

You still have a narrowing window in which to have children. Either way though how can this relationship continue?

Btw you're wrong about having only 1 child.

I was in my early 30s when I left my fiance after he said he didn't want children. I met my now DH that year, got pregnant that year and then had DD2 5 years later at 38. You're 37 which means you shouldn't wait one more second. I don't miss my ex at all. But my kids are my life...they are the best thing that ever happened to me.

If it wasn't for fear of STDs, I'd tell you to go off your birth control and go have a one night stand with the hottest guy you can find. Better than staying married to a man who'd do this to you. He's utterly betrayed you.

You should've given him an ultimatum when you were 30. At 37, you might have to go it alone but I imagine IVF/insemination is expensive, as would raising a child alone.

only having 1 child is just as sad as not having any children at all

Just noticed that you said this and this is really insensitive. It is probably best that you don't have any children then.

Your husband has been future faking you for 13 years. That’s a terrible thing to do to someone, especially when he knew how much you wanted children. In your shoes I’d leave now and head to the sperm clinic. If you want children you need to prioritise them right now.

This ^^

in this case, it won’t appear to have been his” fault “ if you can’t conceive

What an absolute twat he's been stringing you along all these years just basically waiting for your fertility to run out so that he didn't have to worry about it any more. Without victim blaming I'm amazed you left it this many years and to this age without an ultimatum. But the past cant be changed. You are still easily of childbearing age. I had my 2nd baby at 37. Certainly stop taking any contraception immediately. Where you go from here is upto you. Good luck. And by the way, absolutely nothing wrong with having just 1 baby if that's how things end up. Or even none at all if that is how the dice rolls.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Even if you start today it might not be very easy to get pregnant (fertility really nose dives for most - but not all - people in your late thirties and falls off a cliff after forty) so I suspect you're option are accept he doesn't want kids or break up and use a sperm donor. Best of luck to you x

What he has done is grossly unfair and you've been very understanding.

You do not have time.

You have two options.

1. End the relationship immediately
2. Accept you will never have children

I really feel for you. It's incredibly difficult.

OP, the fertile time of yours that he has wasted is criminal.

Is there any way that you can freeze your eggs? That way, you buy yourself quite a bit of extra time to find someone else after you break up with this liar who was quite happy for your fertility to run out, knowing that you really wanted children. I know egg freezing is expensive, but it might be worth it for you, plus I think sometimes you can get reduced or free treatment if you donate eggs at the same time.

Your other option is to persuade him into it. He might want them but be scared.

If I were you, I would just quietly throw your contraception away. At least you would have a baby, who you'd have for the rest of your life. In this situation, I don't care about him. He was quite happy to deny you, so I wouldn't feel any compunction about getting what you want, either. He could have got the snip or used condoms if he really didn't want kids. And by not being honest, he has backed you into this terrible corner regarding your fertility. Sod him. SOD. HIM.

So, don't feel powerless. You have options.

I’m so sorry, that is so unfair. Gently, you can’t wait 3 years to start ‘trying’. Is he genuinely enough for you if you don’t have children? I feel I would have probably been ok with not having children because it took a lot of help to have them but there was no one to blame for making that choice. So that would have made it easier to live with.

He hasn’t been honest with you, there will be one excuse after the next. He doesn’t want children, he has said it. You need to decide where you go from here, you are already 37, you don’t have the luxury of waiting for x number of years. I doubt he will change his mind. Wishing you all the very best going forward OP

What he is doing is cruel and not the actions of a loving husband. He knows that in 3yrs the chances of conceiving are lower and this is actually pretty cruel. I’d tell him you are leaving him, don’t waste your final fertile years waiting to see if he changes his mind. As others have said, you can have a baby alone if that’s what you want, or you could meet someone else quite quickly who is also keen to have DC. My feelings towards DH would change as i’d realise that he doesn’t love me as if he did, he wouldn’t be leading me down the garden path knowing my fertility was declining. He is cruel.

Absolutely this.

@KellyRowland What your husband has done is inexcusable. And to pretend that he wanted children but just wasn't ready yet for so long and then casually mention to a friend in front of you that he might not want them at all...I mean, WTF?

But, and I'll try to say this gently, I don't understand why you haven't forced the issue before now. You're 37 and you've been married for 8 years. Honestly I think you should have given your husband an ultimatum 3 or 4 years ago.

You can't turn the clock back but you really don't have time to waste now.

I'd be tempted to go for the shock factor, pack your bags and leave and say, "You'll be hearing from my solicitor."

When he asks why you say, "Because we agreed we would have kids, and now, after 8 years of marriage and with my fertility already declining, you're saying you don't want them. So I need to leave you and meet someone else before it's too late."

If he tries to talk you out of leaving, you say, "OK, we are TTC seriously every month, starting today, and if it hasn't worked by this time next year we are doing IVF. If at any point you get cold feet, I'm leaving you."

If he doesn't try to talk you out of it, you have your answer.

The alternative is that you just stop using contraception and get pregnant. It would only be what your husband deserves. But I'd be worried about potentially bringing a baby into the world who isn't wanted by his or her father.

There's nothing wrong with not wanting children, but stringing OP along for 8 years isn't ok and he is cruel for doing so. He knew how important this was to OP and hes been lying for most if not all of their relationship, it's unforgivable.

There are four pages of comments already, and maybe someone has said this already. But you need to treat this as an EMERGENCY. You are already well past your best child conceiving years. You will be treated like an aged mother if you do become pregnant, and there’s a good reason for that.

I agree with one other poster who said look into getting donor sperm and get going with your own conception journey. There is a massive clock ticking and your time is running out. So I think you need to lean in to becoming pregnant at the same time as disentangling yourself from this man ( or indeed hoping he’ll get on board). Either way, he has deceived you in the most terrible of ways.

He's strung you along and now left you in a very difficult position, it might already be too late to conceive naturally. For me that would be unforgivable. Something so fundamental as having children could have been taken away from you, it's not like he's lied to you about getting a new car, this is children, one of life's major events.

In your shoes I'd split up and have a child alone, do it now as another few years down the line is going to make it all the more difficult

You've no idea of what your fertility is like (or your husband's) so you should get yours checked out asap.
You may even be heading into perimenopause already.

At 37 it's pretty unlikely you'll manage to have three children, and you'll be very fortunate to have two or even one, you simply don't have enough time. Trying takes time, being pregnant takes time, recovery takes time.

www.bbc.co.uk/future/article/20240313-the-fertility-myth-most-advice-says-womens-fertility-declines-after-35-the-truth-is-more-complicated

OP isn't alone in her view though. I also think it's immensely sad to have an only child. I know sometimes it can't be helped, but it's not something I would ever choose, if I had a free choice (i.e. health, enough money for more than one, etc.) I think lots of people feel the same.

True but it's about time he faced some consequences for his manipulative behaviour. OP is bearing them all otherwise.

If I were you, I would just quietly throw your contraception away.

Quietly?! There should be no quietly about it!!!! I would tell him loud and clear, from this moment on i am not touching contraception. So if he chooses to abstain or use condoms that's upto him.