My Husband Doesn't Want To Have Children

[KellyRowland]

My husband and I have been married for 8 years (8 years in May) and been together for 14 years. My husband has only just said today that he doesn't want to have children. I've always knew I wanted to have children. I'm 37 and my husband is 39.

We started talking about getting married and having children when we were with eachother for a month and my husband was first to bring the subject up. If he said he didn't want to have children, I would have broke up with him because I knew that not having children would make me unhappy, and I've been madly in love with my husband since the night I met him. I couldn't stay with someone who didn't want to have children no matter how much I loved them.

A year before we got married, my husband said we would start ttc after our honeymoon. After we had been on our honeymoon, he said he wasn't ready to have children yet, so he said "we'll wait till next year" and I was ok with that, and we continued to talk about future children. A year after that when I asked him if we could start trying, he said the same thing, and he has been saying that every year.

Today we had one of our friends at our house, and my friend my husband and I had a chat, and one of the things my husband said to her was that he doesn't know if he wants to have children. But he said he might want to start a family in 3 years. If we wait another 3 years I will be 40, and I've heard that you have less chance of getting pregnant after 40. Even if I do start trying at the time and I do get pregnant, there is a big chance that we will only have 1 child and I want to have 3 children, 2 would be enough but to me, only having 1 child is just as sad as not having any children at all.

I have been crying on and off all day, so I probably won't be able to sleep tonight. I feel that I'll be upset forever unless I do get pregnant, so I feel we will need to either start trying now or I'll need to break up with him now. What would be the best thing to do?

🙄

She said "to me only having 1 child is just as sad as not having any". She's talking about her own personal feelings about her own plans for children.

People are so desperate to be offended and make everything about themselves.

It is not abusive to go off contraception, as long as she tells him. It however might be to intentionally lie to a woman about one of her dearest life dreams until it’s too late. She’s been coerced into a childless life.

I could never forgive him for deciding my dreams don’t matter and he can lie to me about them for YEARS until it’s too late. You now know with 100% certainty that he doesn’t love you, so I’d want the fastest divorce in history.

Ah well, either way she’s pretty fucked now isn’t she?

I’m really sorry to hear this. I would give an ultimatum. If he confirms he will not start trying now/ does not want to..

I would swiftly separate, freeze my eggs (in case) and start looking to meet the partner who is right for you right away.

Try not to panic.. decide what you want, what the partner you want to meet is like and go on dates, with the attitude of expecting to meet them soon. If they are not right don’t go on more than 1 or 2 dates. They will be looking for you, whilst you are looking for them! Good luck xx

By the way, I was once with someone a bit younger than me. He decided he wanted to wait 6 years to start trying to have a family. I would have been 40 as well 🙄 I thought it was so ludicrous and ridiculous. Why 6 years, when it would then perhaps be more difficult. I broke up with him, it was 100% the right decision. I’m now with my lovely husband and have a baby 🙏

If someone puts it off for years, it's obvious they don't actually want children. I'm sorry it took you so long to realise and that he wasn't honest in the first place.

You need to tell him that it's now or never because if he is certain he doesn't want children, the marriage is over.

This is very sad for you.
He has probably got into a rutt and having children now seems strange and unsettling.
Why did you not just start trying a year or two after marriage, given he was putting it off until 'next year'?

You need to power up and state that you want a child right now, with him. If he says - No, wait until XXx - then ask him to leave. He has you there under false pretenses of having a family and he has wasted your best child bearing years.

You need to act within the week.
Start the rest of you life tomorrow.

At 39-years-old and after 14 years together, he would know if he wants to have children. He doesn't want them. Your choices are accept that or leave and hopefully find someone else who does want children.

“and I want to have 3 children, 2 would be enough but to me, only having 1 child is just as sad as not having any children at all.”

I was empathetic OP until I read that. I guess you wouldn’t agree with someone like me who had a miscarriage and was so happy and grateful to fall pregnant after that to go on to have a DC, but medically couldn’t have more since.

I guess it is very sad to you. I have no advice except good luck - you don’t choose your fertility and maybe you will find out the hard way.

You've waited too long. Your age is already against you. You need to end this relationship asap and get yourself set up and in a position to have a child, on your own if necessary.

“and I want to have 3 children, 2 would be enough but to me, only having 1 child is just as sad as not having any children at all.”

OP if you really do think this, which is a really awful attitude to have, then you have also been incredibly naive in waiting this long to ttc! You really don't have time to spare.

‘’Having 1 child is just as sad as not having any children at all’’

ITS REALLY NOT !!!!

Your DH has been selfish to have led you on. You've been very silly to have waited and to have accepted his "next year" as you've gotten older and closer to being unable to conceive.

If you really want kids and are prepared to leave him over it, I'd give him the ultimatum it's TTC now today or you pack your bags and go. You don't have time to waste. Consider if you could have kids alone or if there are other male partner prospects in your life. At this stage it's 50/50 that you'll meet a man who wants to have kids quick enough that you could build a relationship and then conceive but it's possible. You'll have to take a risk if it's what you want.

I agree,

Do you want to be with someone who's lied to you for years? Can you believe anything else he says now?

I would see a solicitor and start putting wheels in motion.

I'm sorry x

yes. he has been grossly unfair.

This is the worst betrayal ever.

How dare he so casually mention something so devastating like that to a friend in front of you. To discover your husband of 8 years will not be the father of your children and that he is a manipulating coward, all in the same few seconds is devastating for you and impossible to process. No wonder you are crying. My heart goes out to you.

OP, you can still give yourself a chance to experience motherhood.
Let him know exactly what you think of him for his despicable betrayal in stringing you along all this time. Don’t hold back. Use your anger to take control if you can.
Tell him the marriage is over and as such you no longer have need for birth control as from today. Tell him your future is now your own and nothing to do with him and that you will be making your own plans from now on which don’t include him. His reaction will be informative.

But really, now you know how cruel a man he is, would you still want him for a father to your children. I’d ask him to leave. He has let you down so unforgivably.

Sorry you are in this position.
can you look into freezing your eggs.
If you do leave him, you have security in knowing you still have a chance, you might meet someone else, or decide to go solo.
Whatever you do it’s your choice.
He has left it way too long, so unfair to you.

This sounds like another man future faking a woman watching her biological clock tick down. Is the marriage that important to you?

Freeze your eggs regardless of what else you do.

He may have been misleading himself as much as anyone.

Succinctly - your husband hasn’t been straight with you. Describe straight in any way you choose, straight to me means, honesty.
‘How do you build honestly with him after this?

As someone who went through fertility treatment, these are the stats they told me about conceiving at age (based on public hospital data in my country):

• First fall in fertility is age 32
• Big dip from age 37 onwards
• Increase in genetic issues and miscarriage from 35 onwards
• less than a 5% chance of conceiving per cycle aged 40, and 4% by 41
• male sperm declines around 40 rapidly too - leading to poor quality unviable embryos
• IVF isn’t a magic bullet. Even in your early 30s there is only around a 30% chance of success per cycle. By 41, this is much lower - sometimes as low as 1%
• being healthy/fit won’t help much at all - female biological age is the single biggest determinant of having viable eggs.
• Or you could get pregnant first time. There is no way to tell in advance.

So, statistically, time is not on your side. Nor his.

Of course, these are broad numbers and everyone is unique when it comes to fertility, but I find showing men data can be helpful. They can’t argue with that - and it’s a good enough way to say you’re leaving.

Don’t pay much attention to this suggestion of egg freezing. It’s a bit of a false sense of security. Most eggs will not become viable embryos, especially at your age. It’s better to freeze embryos than eggs. The drop off is staggering (in my case at age 32, only 1 viable embryo out of 10 eggs - but that egg is now my daughter).

If I were you, I’d get a fertility work up done asap. Check your AMH and ovary health. This is a simple blood test and painless internal wand scan. This will help you know what you’re working with and (potentially) how long you’ve got left.

Also your comment about one child being sad, is really naive.

OP dreams of having a big family and always has done.

I'm sure she doesn’t literally mean one child is as sad as none, but she is expressing how important her dream of having three kids is to her. There’s nothing wrong with that.

It is in no way a comment on anyone else’s family or choices, and it’s hardly ‘disgusting’. It’s like someone who wanted a big family calling another who wanted none or just one ‘disgusting’ because that doesn’t fit in with their ideal. Clearly, that’s ludicrous!

Of course, many people don’t have a choice - and that’s another matter - or choose to have one because that’s what a happy family looks like to them - absolutely fine.

Children are a precious gift, and we don’t always get to choose, but there’s absolutely nothing wrong with aspiring to have a big family!

OP - I’m so sorry your husband has strung you along for so long, it’s very cruel behaviour because he knows how important the issue is to you. I don’t think you can afford to wait any longer, hoping he’ll change his mind - and as others have said, you need to be proactive and make a choice about your future.

Wishing you all the best 🌺

What clock?

I am sorry and fear the large family you desire is never going to be your reality, you need to take some responsibility for the choices you have made.

Where was your conversation about raising a family at 30 , 33 and 35 as your fertility declined? You seriously don't have any more time to be complacent, if you want a child you need to act now and be prepared to do this alone.

At 39 if you really feel having 1 would be awful for you you need to be aware that secondary infertility is a bigger risk so you could end up with 1. I have 1 child and it's an absolutely ridiculous attitude tbh but if that's your stance then you need to be very aware of your fertility.

Only you can decide if leaving him is worth it on this basis. For what it's worth I'd far rather have my amazing dd than my dh, despite having a great marriage. She's just my number one human.

This is your best option. With the addition of therapy for yourself to navigate the change and get clarity on how to move fwd.

His behaviour and palming you off wasting a decade of your life is just unforgivable but on some level you must have known that was what he was doing...

An ultimatum is also pointless even if he agrees you cannot trust him to not stall futher and waste more fertile months and /or just pack up and leave you high and dry when heavily pregnant or stuck with a newborn (yr 1 is rough and id expect him to leave given his reluctance to conceive)

Re 1 child. Iwouldnt write it off. You cant know your fertility and Very honestly if you are a single parent you might find raising 2 solo a lot/ too much especially as you will likely ned a small gap. I have a 1 and 3 yr old and its tricky at times.