Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

My Husband Doesn't Want To Have Children

624 replies

KellyRowland · 23/02/2025 22:03

My husband and I have been married for 8 years (8 years in May) and been together for 14 years. My husband has only just said today that he doesn't want to have children. I've always knew I wanted to have children. I'm 37 and my husband is 39.

We started talking about getting married and having children when we were with eachother for a month and my husband was first to bring the subject up. If he said he didn't want to have children, I would have broke up with him because I knew that not having children would make me unhappy, and I've been madly in love with my husband since the night I met him. I couldn't stay with someone who didn't want to have children no matter how much I loved them.

A year before we got married, my husband said we would start ttc after our honeymoon. After we had been on our honeymoon, he said he wasn't ready to have children yet, so he said "we'll wait till next year" and I was ok with that, and we continued to talk about future children. A year after that when I asked him if we could start trying, he said the same thing, and he has been saying that every year.

Today we had one of our friends at our house, and my friend my husband and I had a chat, and one of the things my husband said to her was that he doesn't know if he wants to have children. But he said he might want to start a family in 3 years. If we wait another 3 years I will be 40, and I've heard that you have less chance of getting pregnant after 40. Even if I do start trying at the time and I do get pregnant, there is a big chance that we will only have 1 child and I want to have 3 children, 2 would be enough but to me, only having 1 child is just as sad as not having any children at all.

I have been crying on and off all day, so I probably won't be able to sleep tonight. I feel that I'll be upset forever unless I do get pregnant, so I feel we will need to either start trying now or I'll need to break up with him now. What would be the best thing to do?

OP posts:
friendlycat · 23/02/2025 23:18

Only you can decide. But believe him when he now says he doesn’t want children. He’s had years of stringing you along and is now telling you the truth.

Waffle19 · 23/02/2025 23:18

You need to leave him and start trying for a child through other means or make peace with never having children. It does not sound like he will change his mind, he has been massively stringing you along.

If you wait another three years you might have a much harder time of it getting and staying pregnant, but you’ll also have three less years with any kids you could be having,

purplemush · 23/02/2025 23:19

This is really sad. I would give ultimatum and be prepared to leave. Leaving it for 3 years is lining you up for being less fertile and part of his plan.

Sorry Op this sucks.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families Relationship problems
WhereYouLeftIt · 23/02/2025 23:21

For years he's been saying 'next year'. What do you think he will say if you say 'now, or I'm walking'?

Never2many · 23/02/2025 23:22

only having 1 child is just as sad as not having any children at all you lost me there.

Oh and plenty of women who claim to want two or more children end up having one and decide that’s it for them.

Only having one absolutely is not just as sad as having none, and your husband’s issues aside that is incredibly offensive.

PaintCatsPaint · 23/02/2025 23:22

I’m afraid I would be leaving him in any case. He has been deliberately misleading you and palming you off, quite happily wasting your time. Even if he woke up tomorrow and said let’s try I just don’t think I could countenance starting a family with a person who didn’t have the backbone to be honest with you about something so fundamental. I have made the decision never to have children, but I’ve never, ever misled my partner about that fact. It’s not something a good person does. How utterly cruel.

StormingNorman · 23/02/2025 23:23

Millyjanice · 23/02/2025 23:15

Just tell him you’re coming off contraception and if he wants sex with you from now he’ll have to wear condoms.
Or just tell him that you’re not having sex anymore because that’s for reproduction.

Waiting another 3 years is him knowing that you might not be able to conceive by then. He’s got away with stringing you along all this time and he thinks he can get away with it for just a bit longer then it’s over ( for you, at least).
He’s told you 3 years so you won’t ask him every year.

He actually told their friend three years. He hasn’t had the decency to discuss it with OP. That in itself suggests this isn’t a serious issue to him.

I wouldn’t want to have a baby with this guy now. He doesn’t want children. He’s 39 FFS. Getting pregnant with him would be bringing a baby into a soon-to-be broken home.

CandidGreenSquid · 23/02/2025 23:24

I would leave. It doesn’t sound like he actually wants children. It sounds more like he’s purposely stringing this out until your fertility is reduced and you possibly can’t conceive, then he’ll pretend to be devastated when it doesn’t happen but he’s been planning it all along. He also doesn’t have much respect for you if this all came out in a conversation involving your friend?! This wasn’t something he came to discuss with you given is about your marriage and your life.
I personally wouldn’t stop your contraception because I think you could be back here in a couple of months saying you’re pregnant and your DH has left or wants you to get an abortion. Speaking from experience, not all men come around or do the right thing by their partner.

SleepPrettyDarling · 23/02/2025 23:29

I really feel for you. He can’t unsay what he said. I think you have to let him know that you want a child, but a child to a reluctant father would be a terrible place to start. So I think you have to tell him you’ll be thinking over what he said to decide if you want to stay in the marriage, and really give yourself that focus time to figure out your next move. I strongly advise against an ultimatum. You need to own the decision as it’s clear he’s not on the same wavelength and is an obstacle to you becoming a mum.

Motherrr · 23/02/2025 23:30

I'd be so angry... he is stringing you along.

Ultimatum... start trying for a baby now or you get ready to leave him. You'll be able to gauge a lot from his reaction

ScreamingBeans · 23/02/2025 23:33

You need to do one of 2 things depending on how important having children is to you.

  1. LTB and find someone who wants to have children now. Accepting the risk that you may not find someone quickly enough.
  2. Just stop using contraception.

I think men who do this to women - dishonourably string them along for years pretending they want kids when they don't - should have to pay compensation the way they used to have to pay for breach of engagement.

Poookerface · 23/02/2025 23:38

You need to leave now. If, at 37, you feel that you want three children, you need to start working on that plan today, not next year!

Bingbopboomboomboombopbam · 23/02/2025 23:43

I’m sorry, this sucks. I have someone in my family going through the same, except that she’s the one who doesn’t want children and finally fessed up. She’s within her right of course, but after 20 years together it’s the lying that gets under your skin.

StormingNorman · 23/02/2025 23:48

ScreamingBeans · 23/02/2025 23:33

You need to do one of 2 things depending on how important having children is to you.

  1. LTB and find someone who wants to have children now. Accepting the risk that you may not find someone quickly enough.
  2. Just stop using contraception.

I think men who do this to women - dishonourably string them along for years pretending they want kids when they don't - should have to pay compensation the way they used to have to pay for breach of engagement.

Please don’t have an oops-on-purpose pregnancy. Coercing him into having a child won’t make him a father.

ETA: this advice is as abusive as a man who gets a woman pregnant against her wishes. “Oh just put a hole in condom, she won’t know until it’s too late”.

TurboKirbo · 23/02/2025 23:51

You really don't want kids with someone this selfish. He's deliberately spun you a line for his own ends while your fertility drops

However, your comments about only children are ... Concerning.

I'd advise you to think carefully whether motherhood it's right for you too, if you genuinely feel so strongly about only children.

You may only be able to have one or complications during birth/severe PND could make it a dangerous venture for your health.

If your mindset is so fixed that it MUST be min 2 or none, it's wise to say none.

Joeylove88 · 24/02/2025 00:02

Wow you let him call the shots all of these years. He has lied and delayed over and over again that is so selfish of him and yes it would be an ultimatum right now or I'd be gone no questions asked because that is such a betrayal.

Shyawayfromtit · 24/02/2025 00:04

only having 1 child is just as sad as not having any children at all

disgusting attitude.

Enough4me · 24/02/2025 00:05

He's misled you and cannot be trusted, LTB.

ForZanyAquaViewer · 24/02/2025 00:06

Shyawayfromtit · 24/02/2025 00:04

only having 1 child is just as sad as not having any children at all

disgusting attitude.

I want to be on her side, but that made me very cross.

Shyawayfromtit · 24/02/2025 00:06

ForZanyAquaViewer · 24/02/2025 00:06

I want to be on her side, but that made me very cross.

Show quote history

Indeed. They both sound very immature

whyschoolwhy · 24/02/2025 00:15

Shyawayfromtit · 24/02/2025 00:04

only having 1 child is just as sad as not having any children at all

disgusting attitude.

Yes this is a really offensive statement. And I don't easily take offence.

StormingNorman · 24/02/2025 00:20

whyschoolwhy · 24/02/2025 00:15

Yes this is a really offensive statement. And I don't easily take offence.

Show quote history

OP hasn’t said there’s anything wrong with having one child but if she dreams of a bigger family, then having an only child isn’t the happy picture of family life in HER head. It’s got bugger all to do with anyone else’s families.

NiftyKoala · 24/02/2025 00:21

You don't have the luxury of waiting. I think this is one of those situations that can't be fixed.

TweedCoat · 24/02/2025 00:24

OP - where were you at in your head with this 4 years ago?

At that point you'd been together for 10 years, married for 2, and you were 33?

What stopped you getting to the bottom of this then?

I think you'll find your answer there actually.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 24/02/2025 00:26

Your husband is an utter bastard.

He's stolen your best years and deliberately mislead you.

I'm not sure why you've left it 8 years since marriage to get this sorted though?

You should have left him 5yrs ago.

What he has done to you is unforgiveable.