My Husband Doesn't Want To Have Children

[KellyRowland]

My husband and I have been married for 8 years (8 years in May) and been together for 14 years. My husband has only just said today that he doesn't want to have children. I've always knew I wanted to have children. I'm 37 and my husband is 39.

We started talking about getting married and having children when we were with eachother for a month and my husband was first to bring the subject up. If he said he didn't want to have children, I would have broke up with him because I knew that not having children would make me unhappy, and I've been madly in love with my husband since the night I met him. I couldn't stay with someone who didn't want to have children no matter how much I loved them.

A year before we got married, my husband said we would start ttc after our honeymoon. After we had been on our honeymoon, he said he wasn't ready to have children yet, so he said "we'll wait till next year" and I was ok with that, and we continued to talk about future children. A year after that when I asked him if we could start trying, he said the same thing, and he has been saying that every year.

Today we had one of our friends at our house, and my friend my husband and I had a chat, and one of the things my husband said to her was that he doesn't know if he wants to have children. But he said he might want to start a family in 3 years. If we wait another 3 years I will be 40, and I've heard that you have less chance of getting pregnant after 40. Even if I do start trying at the time and I do get pregnant, there is a big chance that we will only have 1 child and I want to have 3 children, 2 would be enough but to me, only having 1 child is just as sad as not having any children at all.

I have been crying on and off all day, so I probably won't be able to sleep tonight. I feel that I'll be upset forever unless I do get pregnant, so I feel we will need to either start trying now or I'll need to break up with him now. What would be the best thing to do?

I do know a few women who has "accidents" - and I agree it's not exactly uncommon - but even when the men did iniatlly step up - they've all broken up and the ex are all in the complete arsehole- difficult just to be difficult -camp.

It's a bit chicken and egg though - was it always a poor relationship and thus why big things like kids were not discussed properly.

I wanted a partner in life and childrearing - so was always upfront and open with DH.

Personally even at 37 - which as I was so clear I wanted kids wouldn't have reached without one - I'd be thinking what kind of father would someone who lied for so many years to my detriment be to my kids . Do I really want to tie myself for 18 + years to this man and give him potential to mess around my kids.

I think single parenhood via sperm donnation or if can't find a relationship at least find someone who wants to be a father and willing to try co-parenting amicably would be preferable - but that's me.

14 years togther and 8 of marraige why hasn't the OP been firmer and clearer with her DH that this is important to her and a potential deal breaker? It's perfectly possible she only just deciced it is - but that would still need conveying to her DH.

I'm struggling to believe that you went past 30 in a long time relationship, marriage, settled, with a previous conversation of wanting children and this final conversation didn't happen at all? I assume you had friends around you possibly also having kids these past few years. Family, friend, in laws? And year after year after year, it all was shut down with "maybe next year"? If true, he knows how to derail conversations so the topic moves on and he also knows that after 40yo the statistics for pregnancy fall dramatically. He can have kids whenever. You might be already at an age that you might struggle. Particularly if you are on the pill and still need to come off it and let your body balance itself. Took me way over a year at a much younger age. Then you might be lucky to fall pregnant within months but many many people also take quite a while. The 3 year period might still happen even if you start now, if you count getting off the pill, body responding to your own hormones, getting back to regular periods, Tracing, getting pregnant and going through the pregnancy itself. If this really matters to you and is a deal breaker, you need to make a decision asap.

I 💯 agree with this! Some people create problems when they are not there

“1 child is as bad as having none” what a heartless selfish thing to say. Are you sure you're ready to be a mother?

Your post is disgusting. OP's thoughts are her own and she has explained them. How she feels is up to her and she's entitled to those feelings.

How dare you suggest that she isn't ready to be a mother. What sort of person are you?

The op’s comment about only children was pretty disgusting as well

There's been enough piling on about that comment from the OP. This is just spite now.

@RedGolden if OP dreams of having a big family and always has done., why has she been dreaming about it all this time.
If you want a big family you do not passively wait for 'the right time', you start TTC.

If you openly state that having only having 1 child is just as sad as not having any children at all. you are asking for a pile up.

Exactly. It was an unbelievably obnoxious thing to say

Rubbish. To say something like that is abhorrent especially from someone who may end up being grateful she managed to have just the one

Some of you would do anything to take attention away from shitty male behaviour to hate on women.

how fucking childish. Offer advice or go bitch elsewhere.

The op has allowed this situation to drag on until she was 37 when fertility is not what it was. Yes her husband has behaved appallingly but the op has free will and could have left this situation years ago.

Come on she hasn't come back. She came on to give only children a kicking that's all

Can I please just point out that having only one child is not sad .
My cousin and his wife are both only children and they both say they had the happiest of childhoods and were doted on and completely adored. So please don’t say that , it’s mean.
I feel for you on the original post but I just had to say this.

As a second child I rather like the idea that my poor parents and older sibling were saddos before I came along. I had previously thought bet they wished they'd been stopped at one.

It IS always BETTER to regret not having children than to regret having children
> You can access having children later in your life - probably will not be your own birthed children but, if you have waited until later in your life then. It is NOT a priority - you are aware of the situation

Yep. We have a friend who always wanted children but BF not keen. He waited until she was nearly 40 and then left her and got somebody else pregnant. She's now well over 50 and pretty bitter about men, as you might imagine

She’s going through a LOT right now, let’s not jump on her for her only child comment FFS. 🙄

I never wanted an only child either. There’s nothing WRONG with it at all and I can see why many people prefer it, and all the ones I know are very happy little units of three. It just wasn’t what I personally wanted and it seems neither does OP.

I was in a similar situation, was with DH for three years before we got married. We didn’t intend to try for a baby for awhile but I got accidentally pregnant within a month of our wedding.

We had DS1 and I wanted another within a few years, but he kept putting it off. I was upset because I had never wanted an only child and we had always planned at least 2. We argued about it a lot.

I found a message later on to one of his friends that basically said he wasn’t happy at all in our marriage and didn’t want more children although he loved DS.

Well, as you can imagine, it was an absolute nightmare of a thing to find. It felt like a physical kick in the guts at the time. Not only that he was feeling that way, but the betrayal of telling someone else and never telling me, and his “plan” to kind of just keep putting me off instead of being honest with me so I could make decisions about my own life, was horrific and in some ways still pops up every now and then, a dozen years later.

We got counseling and stayed together. We went on to have a second (planned) child, our DD, and then had DS2 (another surprise) not quite two years later.

We’re doing well now, we’re happy with our three and much better at communicating with each other than we were back then. But it’s still hard sometimes. Especially since our both of our sons were conceived during my husband’s more fervent Catholic periods when he wanted to try “natural family planning” (spoiler alert: that does not work, at least not for us) I was fine with it because I was okay having children or not, but it does feel like all 3 of them were made at HIS whim, and frankly it pissed me off sometimes. I’m 42 now and still think about having another sometimes, both because I’d like one and because I want one that feels like I decided. But ours are 17 and almost 12 and 10 now so it does seem a bit late to start over! Plus who knows if I can even have another.

I digress, but honestly OP, you might have to just go it alone. I think it my husband had never wanted another after our first, the resentment would have eventually consumed me anyway. It’s certainly not too late, my sister in law had hers at 39 and 42 and they were perfectly healthy pregnancies and births that resulted in my two amazing nieces.

Best of luck with whatever you decide.

It’s not that she didn’t want an only child; what pissed people off was her describing it as ‘sadder than having no children at all’.

In any case, the OP disappeared after making her single inflammatory post, so the point is moot.

@CheerfulYank , OP hasn't been back since starting the thread.

Think we should all stop replying to this now as they've not been back since starting the thread. I find it bad manners personally 🤷‍♂️

You probably need to leave him. He's been lying to you for years about something incredibly important. But saying having only one child is as bad as not having any pisses me off. Due to serious fertility issues, my wife & I will only ever have one child. Having one kid is NOT as bad as having none, even though we always wanted two. We feel incredibly lucky to have him & love him with everything we have. So, lose that attitude.

After being married for 10 years, my husband did something similar. I told him if he never wanted to have kids with me, it was time for me to move on. He had to take the heart my feelings, and except that if he didn’t want children, it wasn’t healthy for us to stay married. Coming to terms with himself was the hardest time, because he promised me to have kids, and then kept changing his mind. I’m grateful he chose finally to begin our family in our early 30s, but he now regrets waiting so long to start our family. You are right to move on, but don’t settle for a man that doesn’t treat you right. That would be much worse to marry someone who treats you badly just to have children. If you truly love your husband, you can also find ways to be part of the lives of kids by volunteering. There are many organizations that need safe, loving volunteers. You can make a difference in the lives of kids everywhere by finding these places or even fostering children. Fostering can be very difficult, but also very rewarding.