My Husband Doesn't Want To Have Children

[KellyRowland]

My husband and I have been married for 8 years (8 years in May) and been together for 14 years. My husband has only just said today that he doesn't want to have children. I've always knew I wanted to have children. I'm 37 and my husband is 39.

We started talking about getting married and having children when we were with eachother for a month and my husband was first to bring the subject up. If he said he didn't want to have children, I would have broke up with him because I knew that not having children would make me unhappy, and I've been madly in love with my husband since the night I met him. I couldn't stay with someone who didn't want to have children no matter how much I loved them.

A year before we got married, my husband said we would start ttc after our honeymoon. After we had been on our honeymoon, he said he wasn't ready to have children yet, so he said "we'll wait till next year" and I was ok with that, and we continued to talk about future children. A year after that when I asked him if we could start trying, he said the same thing, and he has been saying that every year.

Today we had one of our friends at our house, and my friend my husband and I had a chat, and one of the things my husband said to her was that he doesn't know if he wants to have children. But he said he might want to start a family in 3 years. If we wait another 3 years I will be 40, and I've heard that you have less chance of getting pregnant after 40. Even if I do start trying at the time and I do get pregnant, there is a big chance that we will only have 1 child and I want to have 3 children, 2 would be enough but to me, only having 1 child is just as sad as not having any children at all.

I have been crying on and off all day, so I probably won't be able to sleep tonight. I feel that I'll be upset forever unless I do get pregnant, so I feel we will need to either start trying now or I'll need to break up with him now. What would be the best thing to do?

You've wasted your fertile years on this man, why? If you want kids then leave now and think about solo parenting via sperm donation. And maybe sine psychological help to understand why you've stayed.

If you're considering solo parenting then you do need to move swiftly and start divorce proceedings now. A fertility clinic won't start treating you as a solo mum by choice until after you are divorced because if you are married still your husband automatically has parental responsibility for the child, and a divorce rarely seems a quick process. Having said that, you could have a fertility MOT to see where you stand.

And I'm not going to bang on about it because others have but the whole one child being as sad as none is frankly rude. Do think about whether this road is for you, nothing is guaranteed.

I'm not sure what contraception you're using but I'd be stopping that right now. I personally would tell him "I'm getting my IUD out on x date" or "I'm not taking the pill anymore" or whatever and then just never mention it again. If he brought it up when we were about to have sex I'd keep it breezy like duh making a baby is what we're doing. He might find it a turn on 🤷🏼‍♀️

Obviously this is assuming that he's an otherwise good guy who just doesn't want to be the one to say he's ready. I think it's quite normal for guys to be reluctant to actively say "yes I'm ready" and it's easier if you make the default option as being sex = baby.

i started ttc at 35. It took me 3 years to have one and it is not recommended I have any more due to a medical issue whilst having the first. So yeah, your comment about sad single children is offensive and felt like someone slapped me. Its ignorant to describe my life as ‘sad’.

what I will say is get down to a private fertility specialist for tests. They will be able to discuss with your your likelihood of conceiving naturally (of course, helpful to have your husbands sperm test too) based on my results I was told we had no reason not to conceive naturally but on average it would take around 18 months in my age bracket. It took 2 years…. Probably would have tried ivf after 18 months but this was Covid and the wait list was too long.

If you want to have 2 or 3 children why have you allowed it to get this late anyway? He must have known this and strung you along anyway. I don’t think I would want to continue a relationship with a man like this.

He played you OP. When you sit down with him you need to keep this in mind. What do you want? He has made it clear where he is.
For those of us with only 1? Ours was by choice. My daughter is our greatest achievement and is delightful everyday.

I can’t believe you’ve waited this long, tbh. Surely you know that thirties onwards your fertility is declining, not just once you hit 40.

This is a no-win situation. I feel for you.

He MIGHT change his mind, but I doubt it. If you stay with him, you've already got the foundation for a family. But he might just delay out of your fertile years.

If you leave him, you're divorced and almost 40... it could take another few years to find someone and be at that child-having stage, but by then you could also be out of your fertile years.

If it's an absolute necessity, sperms donor and single mum might be the only option :(

It sounds like you know what you need to do OP. I’m sorry he’s strung you along for this long. It’s possible he’s changed his mind on having kids I suppose, but he would have had some inkling during all these years… he should have kept you in the loop.

I have 2 male friends who didn’t want children and were up front with their partners about this. Both left in their 40s and went on to be Dads with their next partners. Both of the original women were in their 40s and are childless. They both wanted children but put their partners first.
He has lied to you and you need to confront this. Tell him you either start trying now or you leave. Otherwise you will resent him forever.

OP isn't alone in her view though. I also think it's immensely sad to have an only child. I know sometimes it can't be helped, but it's not something I would ever choose, if I had a free choice (i.e. health, enough money for more than one, etc.) I think lots of people feel the same.

Yes but the difference is that the OP is now in a position via her own inertia and the hideous behaviour of her DH that she is unlikely to be able to have one child let alone three and therefore should maybe be a little more reflective and less judgemental about only children.

OP you sound weirdly spoilt and immature to the point where I suspect if you were to have a child the shock of what it entails would make you change your mind quickly about how many you want.

He doesn't love you
He doesn't respect you
Without love, or at least respect, what kind of marriage do you have?

I'm not sure why you think starting a family at age 37 or later is going to lead to three children though, that's statistically really unlikely, how do you not already know this?

I would tell him you are not waiting any longer. He either wants to be with you and have a family or he doesn't. I wouldn't accept anymore delays. You don't have time.

If he has strung you along telling you what you wanted to hear with no intention of having children I would find that unforgivable. I would leave the relationship.

I met my dh at 29 (slightly different as I had two children) he wanted children but wasn't ready. (He was 24) I was less worried as I was more ambivalent about it. We were together a few years and decided to save and buy a larger property before ttc which we did when I was 36. We started trying immediately and I had ds at 37. If I had really wanted children I wouldn't have got past 37 without starting.

If he doesn’t want kids you have time to meet someone else or consider other routes. But not much time you need to address this now

The issue is not just your age but his. The quality of sperm deteriorates and the partners of older men have issues as a result. The reason you only hear about a woman’s age is simply that we live in a misogynistic society.

He doesn’t have three years. Peter Pan needs to wake up, or you need to move on.

There is also a way of saying it without offending those who have made the choice of having one child out of necessity or desire. Personally, I would not have wanted to have 3 children - i know many lovely families with 3 children who love it, but our personal finances would not have stretched that far without a lot of compromise - would need a bigger house car, ect. So where it works for some, it’s not for others. But saying one child is just ‘sad’ - yeah, that can eff off!

But the OP didn’t describe your life as sad. She said it would be sad for her to have just one child since it’s her dream to have a big family.

She has had the right to say "enough is enough" at any point. She should definitely say it now.

But what she is saying is that if she had one child, for her it would be exactly the same as having no children. That is just nuts!!

Less chance of OP conceiving, he’s playing games.

If he felt that way, he could’ve said?

Do you have children?

Agreed - he's running down the clock until it's no longer an issue. If having DC is the most important thing for you OP you need to leave right now and start trying. You're already 37 so you have no time to waste. He's wasted 14 of your most fertile years. Don't let him deprive you completely of having DC, if that's what you want. Ten years from now you won't have the option. You've waited long enough. Now is the time to act decisively for what you want and bugger what he wants. He's a selfish arse.

Sorry that u r going through this OP, I have every right to be upset and hurt.
The reality is that your relationship is likely over. To have a baby when your husband doesn't is a definite marriage breaker. It's hard enough when both want a baby.
You will need to have a frank conversation with him and likely instigate separation.
One step at a time, it's too much to think of it all right now. Take care of yourself 💖

How incredibly selfish and cruel.

Don't agree with this advice. Single parenthood isn't the answer IMO

Why didn't you force the issue earlier? I agree his behaviour is appalling, but you need to take some responsibility for just going along with his obvious future-faking. You appear to have been very passive about something that clearly means a great deal to you.

I would leave, and work out how I was going yo do it alone. And I would adore and be joyfully thankful for the one child I was likely to have in the time frame I realistically have left.