My Husband Doesn't Want To Have Children

[KellyRowland]

My husband and I have been married for 8 years (8 years in May) and been together for 14 years. My husband has only just said today that he doesn't want to have children. I've always knew I wanted to have children. I'm 37 and my husband is 39.

We started talking about getting married and having children when we were with eachother for a month and my husband was first to bring the subject up. If he said he didn't want to have children, I would have broke up with him because I knew that not having children would make me unhappy, and I've been madly in love with my husband since the night I met him. I couldn't stay with someone who didn't want to have children no matter how much I loved them.

A year before we got married, my husband said we would start ttc after our honeymoon. After we had been on our honeymoon, he said he wasn't ready to have children yet, so he said "we'll wait till next year" and I was ok with that, and we continued to talk about future children. A year after that when I asked him if we could start trying, he said the same thing, and he has been saying that every year.

Today we had one of our friends at our house, and my friend my husband and I had a chat, and one of the things my husband said to her was that he doesn't know if he wants to have children. But he said he might want to start a family in 3 years. If we wait another 3 years I will be 40, and I've heard that you have less chance of getting pregnant after 40. Even if I do start trying at the time and I do get pregnant, there is a big chance that we will only have 1 child and I want to have 3 children, 2 would be enough but to me, only having 1 child is just as sad as not having any children at all.

I have been crying on and off all day, so I probably won't be able to sleep tonight. I feel that I'll be upset forever unless I do get pregnant, so I feel we will need to either start trying now or I'll need to break up with him now. What would be the best thing to do?

This is unforgivable. He has coerced you into marriage and wasted the majority of your child bearing years. DO NOT waste another 3 years.

I would be leaving asap. As a man, he can conceive a child for many years to come, you can not.

If you want any children (3 is now unlikely, sorry), you need to act now to give yourself a chance.

Get a fertility MOT so you know where you stand - be prepared that this may not give you good news but what it will give is information you need to make your next decisions.

End the marriage and get a divorce asap (required for fertility treatment in most places, so you can be a single parent with a sperm donor).

While that's happening, come off any hormonal contraception and make sure you fit all other criteria for private fertility treatment (check websites, speak with them). Check overseas clinics too, in case waiting times here are too long.

You also need to look at how long fertility treatment takes, success rates, age cut-offs, and factor that in to your plans. Consider how you'd feel about donor eggs - if you have fertility treatment but no embryos to freeze, or the treatment is unsuccessful, would this be something you'd consider? The likelihood is that a 38/39 year old starting fertility treatment won't get 3 successful pregnancies unless fortunate enough to get multiple embryos to freeze in an early cycle of treatment. You might be able to have 1 or 2 - but if you don't want one child under any circumstances then that might not be something you want to 'risk'. (Can't understand why having one child would be as bad as being childless not by choice but if you'd resent the child or constantly feel unhappy with them then you shouldn't start that process).

One way or another your relationship and attitude towards your husband is irrevocably changed. If you choose to stay and accept that there will be no children, you will probably grow resentful.

If you want children you must leave now because, as you recognise, you do not have a the luxury of time.

I wish you every happiness

So sorry @KellyRowland thus is truly awful what he has done.

You really don't have any time to waste and I wouldn't trust him at all at this point. He has purposefully led you on to run down your clock, knowing full well you might struggle to get pregnant. I wouldn't even put it past him to have had or to have a vasectomy on the sly. He'll sweet talk you into staying, and then a couple of years from now "oh no you didn't get pregnant, such a shame". He actually doesn't care about you.

Good luck and massive hugs.

OP hasn’t said there’s anything wrong with having one child but if she dreams of a bigger family, then having an only child isn’t the happy picture of family life in HER head. It’s got bugger all to do with anyone else’s families.

@StormingNorman

No, I was responding to a direct quote of what she said. You've chosen to explain it in other words. Besides, even if she is talking about her own ideal family, it's still offensive.

He has acted awfully.

Nothing wrong with not wanting children, but he has been stringing you along for years.

At any point he could have said "I don't know if I will ever want a child, I might next year but I might not" so you could make an informed decision about your future

I'm sorry to say but if you definitely want a child, you need to take control now.

Tell him you are taking steps to end your marriage.

I dont feel there is any coming back from this...even if he now says he will have a baby, he will be doing it for the wrong reason.

Come off hormonal contraception and if finances allow, book a fertility mot and look into sperm donation.

Take charge today and dont let him string you along and lie to you any more

only having 1 child is just as sad as not having any children at all.

I was prepared to be sympathetic but this is just such a deeply shitty thing to say that it’s killed any sympathy, I’m afraid.

Your husband is stringing you along. Leave him if you want kids.

This absolutely. Some of us are incredibly lucky to have one

Are you sure you definitely want children?

I’ve known women where they did always intend to have them but ultimately they didn’t want their lifestyle to change so when their husbands said ‘let’s delay it another year’ they really didn’t take any persuading. And they gradually accepted over the years they liked their lives childfree.

Im just confused why if children were so important you wouldn’t have taken some action earlier. Or even looked into the impact of waiting a few more years. You’ve ‘heard’ fertility declines after 40 - it doesn’t sound like you’ve done any research, just been hoping for the best or somehow it would all resolve itself. Similarly the idea that you want ‘at least 2 children or none at all’ seems like maybe on some level you’re looking for excuses not to have them…

If he wants to continue the marriage he must agree to start trying in earnest today and to start fertility treatment in 6 months if no pregnancy by then

Like pp, I couldn’t forgive the deception. He has actively stolen your (openly-expressed) dream. What sort of person does that? To the woman they claim to love?

However, this is you. Do you prefer your life with him in it (known) or with a baby or a couple of kids, but without him (unknown, huge gamble)? Has this revelation changed how you fundamentally feel about him?

You could lay it down: no more contraception. No more obfuscation. Or you split up. (And if you do, make sure you get brilliant legal advice and get everything you are entitled to from the marriage, so that if you do become a single mum down the line, you won’t have to worry about money.)

Or you just go to step 2. I would not blame you. This is a massive and life-altering deception.

to me, only having 1 child is just as sad as not having any children at all. me, only having 1 child is just as sad as not having any children at all.
Not RTFT, but if this is your attitude, I don't think you should have a child.

Sounds extremely upsetting OP.
Have you actually had a proper conversation where you tell him exactly how you feel? It's very weird that his thoughts only came out when a third party was present.
Btw I think you're being a little naive thinking you're going to have 3 kids when you're already 37 with no clear plans. Hopefully it happens but it may not be possible now.
You need to talk to your husband.

Your DH has stolen your best years. Sorry OP, I think your relationship is over. He hasn't been honest.

its terrible of him to say one thing for years and years while he obviously didn’t really want them. But both parents needs to want children fully, 3 years is running down the clock for him really

OP isn't alone in her view though. I also think it's immensely sad to have an only child

Well I'm an only child and the Mother of an only child, both due to life circumstances, and I'm not immensely sad about either of those things @ThisFluentBiscuit

It's a naive and immature thing of the OP to say given that a second or third child is never guaranteed. She's basically said if she had one and couldn't have another then the first one wouldn't be good enough!

This is exactly what happened to me. We got married then about 3 years later he said he didn't want kids because 'they weren't in HIS plan'.

He was shocked when I left him and couldn't understand it. Guess he thought I'd just meekly go along with him making life changing decisions for me.

Anyway, 20 years later happily married with two gorgeous kids 😍

He didn't re-marry and doesn't have kids. So glad I didn't try to push him into having kids as he would have been a cold and narcissistic dad in all honesty.

I was 30 when this happened, you do not have time at 37 to wait around. If you want kids you will have to jump now, its as simple and as hard as that.

Lots of people can fuck off then. Be happy with the children you have if you wanted to have them but fuck off with your sadness nonsense at having an only child.

What an awful situation to be in. But, how have you let it drift for 8 years since being married? Surely, his constant reluctance to try rang alarm bells?

And he said this to a friend, while in your presence? Rather than to you. How disrespectful.

You need to have an urgent and serious chat. Ask why he hasn’t told you this. He may just be worried about how having a child will change his lifestyle. Maybe he’s worried whether he’ll be a good father (men whose own father was awful or absent often feel this). Lots of people do feel worried about actually taking the plunge. Counselling may even help.

If he’s adamant that he’s not sure he wants children, make it clear how hurt you are that he’s not been honest with you by letting you know. Honestly and open communication are vital in a marriage. Make it very clear that having more than one child is a deal breaker for you. So, if he doesn’t want to start trying for a child immediately you’ll be divorcing, so you can meet someone to have a child with or go it alone.

You need to be assertive at this point. Even if you start trying now, three kids would really be pushing it. I had my youngest at 41. Got pregnant first try. Lots of women have kids in their 40s. But it can be harder to conceive..

Given your ages you cannot be that shocked.
After 37 the risks in pregnancy really go up.
It really sounds like he never wanted children .
Or like so many men he will have them at like 45 with a younger woman .
I'm sorry you have been led on like this. It's very mean .

Fucking hell, what a colossal prick.

You need to leave. Give yourself a chance to have children. I can’t believe he’s strung you along for such a long time!

Also, don’t be surprised if he has kids very quickly with the next woman he’s with. Men are complete knobs like that.

To everyone saying "I can't believe you think having one child is sad, you've really hurt my feelings and you shouldn't have children at all" needs to chill out. OP is clearly devastated and has had her whole future plan torn down in front of her. I highly doubt she means it, she's going through all the stages of grief for the family she wanted in a very short space of time.

I've had losses, done IVF and had failed transfers, and if I'm lucky might well only have one living child. I'm also an only child myself. Other people's grief isn't about us.

I'm an only child too and to be honest I do find it sad. I wish I had siblings, I have done for my whole life. I love my parents more than anything, and it scares the shit out of me that as they're ageing everything falls to me, and emotionally that's a very heavy burden. A close childhood friend, also an only child, and I often talk about how we wish we had siblings, as our parents are reaching their late seventies/early eighties.

I desperately want a child, but if I had full control over things I want my child to have a sibling.

OP was most likely just spinning out and panicking when she wrote that. It smacks of "oh my god my life is ruined what am I doing to do" as opposed to "yes I rationally would not have children unless two were guaranteed. I would be horrified with one"

@mushroomushroom She's not so much had her whole future plan torn from her (in the way that someone with diagnosed infertility or an illness requiring hysterectomy might feel) but seems to have passively sat and watched it slip away. Why in gods name she's let it go on until she's 37 if she really wanted 3 children is beyond comprehension.

Get a fertility check in a private clinic, you sound naive about fertility, the major turning point for decline is 36, I wouldn’t wait until 40 to start trying.

I had my DC at 38, secondary infertility struck and after 6 further years I gave up and I’m a very proud parent to to one brilliant child, (Yes I did find your comment offensive).

Easy for everyone saying leave, what’s your set up? Do you earn well? Co own home? What would life look like for you apart? Do you have support to go it alone and be a single parent?