DS school refusal is driving me mad

[VerityUnreasonble]

I'll start this I guess by saying I'm not expecting any magic solutions, I'm mostly just having a moan.

DS is in year 7, we've had issues with him refusing school for the last 3 years. His attendance hovers around 85% which was much the same in year 6, it was slightly better in year 5.

DS has a diagnosis of ASD, he is academically very able, socially not so much but he's not upset by this.

Reasons he currently refuses to go in are:

He's tired (probably true - he is under sleep clinic and prescribed melatonin, also slightly defiencient in vitamin D and B12 which he is being treated for)

He doesn't feel well (sort of true - usually means he has a slight cold)

He has to go too much / there are too many days in a school year (this is his major reason at the moment, he doesn't want to go because he doesn't like it and feels he has to be there too often)

It starts too early (he will occasionally go in slightly later or for the afternoon)

There are various lessons / things he dislikes (sports/ presentations etc. - contributes to some days being worse than others)

Have tried both carrot and stick approach, the only thing he's really fussed about is access to his tech but even using that as a bribe / punishment isn't effective. Have tried reasoning and talking, he can explain very eloquently the reasons he should go, and even wants to go, he just still doesn't.

I'm missing bits of work, being late, having to rearrange things. I'm stressed about it all the time. School have requested a meeting in a couple of weeks to discuss "how to improve things" but honestly I have no idea.

I just have no idea how things are going to get better!

Are you in the 'not fine in school' Facebook group? It's excellent.

I feel you, I've been in a similar boat for years and it is so exhausting. The stress is like nothing else.

I second @PenniesButton
Not fine in school was a life saver. So valuable in terms of support and information.
This started in year 8 for my now 17 year old DD (ASD/ADHD and more) From my own experience and many others there is a good chance this will get worse not better .. sorry I really hope for you that this isn't the case, but there are certain things I wish I had known about earlier in anticipation of things going further downhill.

I would apply for an EHCP sooner rather than later... even if you feel he doesn't need one yet.
My DD was in her GCSE year by the time ours was granted. I applied too late. The school can apply but they will have lots of them to do already and will drag their heels. It's actually better in my experience to apply yourself but with the school's support. They are then tied to the LEA's deadlines to provide information.

Be aware of section 19 of the education act, in case he misses 15 days or more of school (does not have the be consecutive).

Keep in almost constant contact with the school and keep pushing them to make reasonable adjustments. Don't let them put his situation down to your parenting. I made it very clear I was doing everything I could to support my DD to get into school. It was them a case of 'what more can YOU as a school do to better the situation'

It was absolutely a case of Can't not won't for my DD. She really did want to be able to go in and that is the case for most (or many) of our young people. She did not enjoy being at home isolated.. but school was not an environment she could be in.

Also - My DD was (eventually) assigned a mentor / buddy in school who age built up a brilliant relationship with and this helped her go in on some of the days when she was borderline.

In any typical Secondary there will be a million other 'worse cases' going on.. so your position won't be treated as a priority. Of course in our position it is absolutely a priority. The squeakiest wheel gets the most oil so keep on keeping on with the school. They frustrated me at times but I was always careful to keep the relationship cordial as you need them on side. But I was firm and unrelenting.

In the end my DDs mental health got worse and worse. She missed about 2 years of years 8-11. Chances are it won't get that far for you but if it does, then school has to go out of the window temporarily and mental health has to be prioritised.

Not fine in school has some excellent advice and very lovely and experienced people on all of the above.

Good luck. I know it's an incredibly tough and unrelenting situation.

Have a meeting with the school but ask them what they can do to help when your DS is finding it difficult to attend.

He has an ASD diagnosis so you can ask for reasonable adjustments such as, a safe place to go to if overwhelmed (particularly for break/lunchtime etc), a class exit pass if he needs a few minutes break, flexibility on start time if he hasn't slept well, to be able to leave class 5 minutes early to avoid the main noise and rush, the possibility of school wellbeing sessions etc.

These were all things my ADHD/ASD daughter was offered but only once she burnt out and stopped going to school in year 10. If they'd be offered when the cracks in her masking first started to show and she first started to struggle to attend then they might actually have worked. We got too little too late.

Also, look at applying for an EHCP. You can do this as a parent regardless of what school say. It's often a long process. I wish I'd started sooner. She was granted an EHCP but literally just before her GCSEs. It has helped her in college though and to secure the college place she wanted.

Secondary School is very difficult for a lot of neurodiverse teens.

@Lindy2

I thought I was reading my post at first when I read yours. Very similar (though mine hasn't managed to stay in college )

I second requesting an EHCNA. On their website, IPSEA has a model letter you can use.

In addition to this, if DS is unable to attend school full time, the LA has a duty to ensure he still receives a suitable full-time education. IPSEA also has a model letter you can use to request alternative provision.

What support is the school providing?

@beasmithwentworth It's incredibly difficult isn't it. The strain never really eases.

College is still a roller coaster for us but she's hanging in there (just!). Luckily for us college are very understanding.

I know some children who struggle to go to school because they really struggle with anxiety and other issues. That does not seem to be the case for your DC. He just does not go when he does not fancy going in. He sees school as optional.

I will be honest, I struggle to understand why you do not just make him go. And if you have this little influence over him at this age, I think parenting him is just going to get harder and harder as he gets older and the consequences of him doing what he wants get more serious.

@JoyousGreyOrca I think you have to read between the lines.

I’m sure op has tried “making” him go. How exactly do you force someone to get out of bed, get dressed and leave the house?

You can’t beat the child into submission.

So all you’ve got is explaining, persuading, threats and bribery.

My db was frequently absent from school - he was insanely bright, luckily ended up at university and has had a good life since. He hated school and couldn’t see the point of it. Many arguments about his school attendance between him and my parents - I remember my mum storming into his room and removing everything related to his hobbies once, and didn’t give it back for a fortnight. It made no difference to his attitude or his attendance!

How would you "make" a 12 year old go to school? Lots of boys that age are taller and stronger than their mums.

I agree with this it seems like your son is picking and choosing and ruling the roost.

Definitely. He’s refusing because he doesn’t like early mornings, certain subjects and feels he doesn’t get enough holidays.

Big shock coming his way in a few years when he realised what real life is like.

What is he getting by way of recreational activities? Are you taking him out at the weekend, letting him access a phone or game consoles? Seeing friends? Giving pocket money?

What does he do all day when not in school?

What are your suggestions for me to make him go? Because I would be happy to hear them?

He is as tall and almost as heavy as me, so I would struggle pick him up and physically take him? Also he won't put his uniform on? Do I drag him there in his pyjamas? Punishing him DOESN'T work, he will accept any punishment you give him, he would rather sit, in silence, in his room, all day, than go. He will go for days or weeks with no tablet / TV etc. He will go to bed early. He doesn't have friends or go out so I can't ground him. None of it makes a difference. I know because I've been doing this for 3 years, so I have tried every combination.

Positive reinforcement doesn't work, praise, charts, jars, rewards, nope.

Reasoning doesn't work. He understands perfectly well why he should go, he will discuss it to death and then morning comes and nope.

Things I've tried with his previous school include him being able to avoid certain lessons, have cards (didn't use them), social intervention, lego therapy, CBT based therapy.

Things his current school have offered include being allowed to sit out of contact sports, not having to present in front of the class and teachers being made aware he needs clear instructions for tasks. He is also able to go to the SEN space (never does). I have offered to note in his planner if he doesn't want to do a particular activity. I also offer to take him repeatedly through the day and encourage him to do work online on days he doesn't go (although school don't provide any so I have to find this).

Thank you to everyone for all the suggestions of not fine in school, I am in the group, and EHCP - I'll speak to school about this when I meet with them.

Through parenting when they are younger, so that they do what you say. Punishments and carrots should be reserved for serious occasions. Your children at this age should just do what you tell them to when it is things like going to school.
I mean every parent has to constantly tell their child to do some things. Clean up your room, don't shout, etc. But going to school if there are no real issues, is something your child should just be doing.
If you are at the stage of saying I can not physically force a 12 year old to go to school, then they have simply learned along the way that they can ignore what you tell them to do. It does not bode well for the teenage years.

OP maybe parenting classes for teenagers to help you reset your relationship and rebuild things so that he does do what you say. I do not think it will be easy though, which is why no one will have easy solutions for you.

I think you've just had easy kids honestly, so you don't understand the struggle.

He has a phone, he only uses it to message his sister. He doesn't have any friends. He only wants to play computer games and code. When he doesn't go to school he is not allowed these and is only allowed to do school work which is either the online stuff school provide (sparx, language lab etc.) or I print things from Oak academy type stuff that is in line with what he would be doing if he was there.

At the weekends we go out together, so that he at least gets some fresh air. If it was his choice he wouldn't leave the house.

He gets pocket money if he brushes his teeth, showers and keeps his room tidy, all of these are challenges and require prompts. He rarely spends it but will occasionally buy something for one of his games.

It's very easy to see who has and hasn't been through this awful and most isolating experience on this thread and who hasn't.

I had years of judgement and comments like this from people who's DCs largely got up and went into school unless they were Ill. As does my DS. However my DD couldn't. It sound like the OPs DS can't either. Underneath all of the reasons and excuses or whatever you want to call them that they come out with. this is just the surface level stuff that they say, as a child with ASD can often not articulate why they can't go in.

Just make them (yeah ok how? )

They are picking and choosing (no they are not in pretty much every case I have heard of

Take away their phones (the most outdated advice on the matter)

I wouldn't wish this on anyone who hasn't had to go through it.

This is not the case at all.

You might note that I started my post by saying I'm aware there are no easy solutions. Thank you for your very helpful input.

Almost certainly the case.

Haha nope the OP doesn't need parenting classes. Schools are not easy places for ND children to attend.
https://researchfeatures.com/children-frontline-neurodivergence-school-distress/?fbclid=IwZXh0bgNhZW0CMTEAAR2xzb5k7nvB4vJFL6pSwOkosdr3Y2BdUCs1v6Z0LWjCASTLtMMSspFQ5dIaemmpSKaWRmb2C9Z0dmVkScPA

I'm not sure what the solution is other than finding a better setting which is v difficult. Naomi Fisher's content is interesting and validating and may help you OP.

These are different issues.
I can 'make' my child tidy his room or not shout etc.
I can't force him into school. Even if I could, the school won't restrain or lock him in.

Autistic children just aren't as easy to manipulate through reward/punishment as neurotypical children. If they are that determined not to go to school, then they won't go.
A sticker chart or taking his TV away isn't going to help.

Lots of posts here are missing that OP’s DS has SEN.

Wow you really are clueless.

I have 3 children. Two are neurotypical and parenting them is very much as you describe. The other is not.