DS school refusal is driving me mad

[VerityUnreasonble]

I'll start this I guess by saying I'm not expecting any magic solutions, I'm mostly just having a moan.

DS is in year 7, we've had issues with him refusing school for the last 3 years. His attendance hovers around 85% which was much the same in year 6, it was slightly better in year 5.

DS has a diagnosis of ASD, he is academically very able, socially not so much but he's not upset by this.

Reasons he currently refuses to go in are:

He's tired (probably true - he is under sleep clinic and prescribed melatonin, also slightly defiencient in vitamin D and B12 which he is being treated for)

He doesn't feel well (sort of true - usually means he has a slight cold)

He has to go too much / there are too many days in a school year (this is his major reason at the moment, he doesn't want to go because he doesn't like it and feels he has to be there too often)

It starts too early (he will occasionally go in slightly later or for the afternoon)

There are various lessons / things he dislikes (sports/ presentations etc. - contributes to some days being worse than others)

Have tried both carrot and stick approach, the only thing he's really fussed about is access to his tech but even using that as a bribe / punishment isn't effective. Have tried reasoning and talking, he can explain very eloquently the reasons he should go, and even wants to go, he just still doesn't.

I'm missing bits of work, being late, having to rearrange things. I'm stressed about it all the time. School have requested a meeting in a couple of weeks to discuss "how to improve things" but honestly I have no idea.

I just have no idea how things are going to get better!

@VerityUnreasonble even though his stated reasons for not wanting to go might seem minor, I wouldn't dismiss school being a deeply unpleasant experience for him - and he just can't express it.
Vague feelings of being tired, unwell or not liking subjects is kind of an easier explanation and things he will hear other children complain about too.
My child could never pinpoint anything specific that they didn't like about school, just that they couldn't go.

I would want a meeting with school to look at how they are supporting his needs. A reduced timetable could help and he completes the missed work at home? Or do some learning off site?

From my own experience of forcing DD1 to go in (as we were told to do by the school at the start) we had to both carry her into the car, then it was a race to get the door locked so she couldn't escape. I felt that we were assaulting her, it was absolutely horrible. Or she would go to school ok but run off down the street when we got there. One time she ran out of the house and was missing for an hour. The worst hour of my life. Sometimes we'd get her there ok, but on trying to go into school she'd have a full on panic attack.

It soon became clear that forcing her in was neither possible nor desirable. If we took phone etc away from her it made no difference as nothing could be as bad in her mind as going to school.

Brilliant answer.
My generation weren't asked if "tired" or "don't like certain subjects and situations".
Tough shit.
Unbelievable.

To be fair your ASD kid has a reasonable answer to everything, as they often do, but how about explaining that in reality when people have to go to work, we all have to work through tiredness / illness / long days etc and that’s just life, as annoying or unjust or as unfair as it is.

Obviously chronic tiredness is an issue and hopefully the melatonin will help, but otherwise the excuses your DC is giving you are not the real reasons.

I don’t have any practical suggestions other than checking on how school are supporting him and if they can make any reasonable adjustments, or maybe he could do an activity like swinging in a hammock before he starts the school day to help him feel calmer? My DH works at a secondary school and the school refusers that stay at home are the ones who are facilitated in that by the parents, whereas the ones who have to come in are often just dropped off at school and the parent drives off without the ceremony of persuading them to stay.

If they're just dropped off at school and go in by themselves then they're not school refusing?

@JoyousGreyOrca

Your opinions / advice are extremely misinformed.

Why do you think one parent who set up the Facebook group 'not fine in school' when she was struggling with exactly this problem how has over 70000 members in that group? A huge proportion of them are neurodivergent. That's not to say everyone who is neurodivergent will struggle with school but an large % of young people who struggle in school are exactly that.

Does every one of those 70,000 people need parenting classes because they have in some way failed to parent their children correctly? No.

My own experience started off very similarly to the OPs. I was given the same 'advice' as you are doing now and more. As I carried on desperately trying to get her into school, she started self harming. Then she took 3 overdoses and a year later went up onto the roof of the CAMHS building were we had an appointment and I had to talk her down to stop her jumping off. She spent 2 years barely able to get out of bed due to what I thighs was depression but as it turns out it was autistic burnout.

All of this was because of the pressure of school and society as a young person with ASD. This is what can happen if we don't try and look beneath the reasons why a young person may be struggling.

I appreciate that my situation is / was extreme, and hopefully OP will not have to experience any of this. But I'm sure you can understand why comments and posts such as yours and others about parenting courses etc are not helpful. Parents need to be Looking beyond the 'excuses' as to why there is an issue.

The ones who come in will be the ones who can be persuaded firstly to get into the car, then to get out of it again.
So easy, and so ignorant, to then blame the parents who can’t manage that for ‘facilitating’ the child to stay at home.

You are so funny.

@ByHazelPeer

I'm speechless.

It's actually quite scary that in 2025 that this is still the attitude of people who work in schools. They honestly think that we as the parents of these young people are just happily 'letting' them be at home.

That we are not tearing our hair out, awake at 3am worrying about what on earth we are going to do.. in my case thinking I was going to lose my job as I couldn't leave my DD at home on her own, on the phone to CAMHS , the school, the LEA every day desperately looking for solutions and advice, applying for an EHCP as the school refused to whilst being made to feel like it's our fault ?

No. We just let them stay at home because 'gentle parenting' or because we can't be arsed.

Oh yeah, we never thought about telling them that.🙄

And oh yes, we are facilitating them staying at home because that is so much easier when you both have demanding full time jobs.

Have a word with yourself, will you? @ByHazelPeer

What is he doing all day when he's not at home. I noticed you've said he likes gaming etc but not allowed access during the day.

What does he do with his time?

Indeed. I also came up against Kent County Council, whose attitude to parents whose kids struggle with school is that they are just trying to claim extra benefits.

I’m just relaying what happens in a state school at the end of the day, that’s not my opinion. No where do I say that these children stay at home because the parents can’t be arsed, or that it’s the easier option. Re-read my post, won’t you? My child is likely ASD and might be my reality in the future seeing as the school system is shocking, there are no easy answers. People with ASD unfortunately can find life harder and I’m empathetic towards that but there also has to be some encouragement to do things that feel difficult to do.

Unfortunately lots of schools and LAs have the opinion that any problems children have at school are the parent's fault so they can't do anything.
But also any problems children have at home are the parents fault so they can't do anything.

You might be but believe me when I say, many aren't. Many parents letting their DC game the day away. If course they're going to choose that over a day at school especially if they find school a challenge anyway.

I’m just relaying the facts, don’t shoot the messenger 🙄

I hear you. Ds3 (ASD) also year 7 is struggling too and probably missed 50% of year 7. He's on a part time table (concentrating on core subjects) which has helped alot. Would that be an option for your DS?
Not ideal but better than nothing, and quite frankly missing subjects he hates like PE, music, isn't the end of the world anyway.

From bitter experience of both DS1 (also ASD), and other families i know with ND children, making them(and by this I mean literally dragging them in kicking and screaming)into school just makes things worse and wrecks their mental health. No child that behaves like that just because they dont 'feel like' going to school so ignore the clueless posters who havent got an effing clue what they're talking about.

I have no idea how much of a battle it might have been to get them into the car in the first place. There are some where the local authority pay for a home tutor, that I do know, but I’m guessing the parent / carer has to also be present at home.

my son refused school from a very young age, being young helped as I was then able to carry him in, then it turned to school not wanting him so he was uneducated for years then covid hit, mainstream school wasn't for my son at all he now goes to a special provision for students with ASD and he never refuses is up and ready for his taxi everyday! people need to stop all their what about when he's in the real world, what then? comments. ND children struggle to find their way mainstream school and can to busy and overwhelming for them!

OP have your son got a EHCP (sorry if i missed it in replies) if not that is your first call point, maybe even getting a disability social worker involved, these can help put in place special arrangements for alternative education while a child is in mainstream school too! I really feel for you as I remember how hard it is and the guilt I used to feel carying my child into school everyday while he was screaming as I was so terrified of the authorities being in my back. looking back I shouldn't have given a fuck because my child's mental health will always be more important than grades!

Do you know what 'school refusal' means?
Being dropped off at school and going in is not 'school refusal'.
You said that the children that stay at home (school refusal) are facilitated by their parents "the school refusers that stay at home are the ones who are facilitated in that by the parents".
What do you think the parents should be doing that isn't 'facilitating'?

You literally said,
‘the school refusers that stay at home are the ones who are facilitated in that by the parents’.

🤔

sounds like how my life used to be, it breaks your heart looking back doesn't it?

So many negative comments....

My ds unfortunately hasn't been able to attend school in a few months now, is it down to my parenting, no it's not! He's gone from thriving in school and being top of the class in some subjects to being too anxious to go, I as a parent have tried everything to get him to attend, the school has been no help at all.

It is a horrible and hard situation to be in OP.

https://www.facebook.com/share/p/14odJKTsCF9/

I read this the other day and it hit home, especially the last part of it.

@ByHazelPeer

I hope this doesn't happen to you. However, what makes you think that none of us who have been in this position haven't tried everything you could possibly come up with?

Shall I give you an example?

I forced my DD into the car one day (the school is an 8 minute walk away but obviously I couldn't carry her there) after an hour of telling her she HAD to go to school. She was crying and screaming on the way there and then had a panic attack as we got closer.

We parked outside of the school. I called her mentor to ask if she could come out and collect her as there was no way I could get her out of the car. The mentor came out, sat in the back of the car with her and tried to calm her down. She couldn't. The mentor then said that there was nothing she could do.

So I should have just 'told her she needed to go into school' or driven off? Would you do that to your child if you were faced with panic attacks and self harm every morning because of school?