DS school refusal is driving me mad

[VerityUnreasonble]

I'll start this I guess by saying I'm not expecting any magic solutions, I'm mostly just having a moan.

DS is in year 7, we've had issues with him refusing school for the last 3 years. His attendance hovers around 85% which was much the same in year 6, it was slightly better in year 5.

DS has a diagnosis of ASD, he is academically very able, socially not so much but he's not upset by this.

Reasons he currently refuses to go in are:

He's tired (probably true - he is under sleep clinic and prescribed melatonin, also slightly defiencient in vitamin D and B12 which he is being treated for)

He doesn't feel well (sort of true - usually means he has a slight cold)

He has to go too much / there are too many days in a school year (this is his major reason at the moment, he doesn't want to go because he doesn't like it and feels he has to be there too often)

It starts too early (he will occasionally go in slightly later or for the afternoon)

There are various lessons / things he dislikes (sports/ presentations etc. - contributes to some days being worse than others)

Have tried both carrot and stick approach, the only thing he's really fussed about is access to his tech but even using that as a bribe / punishment isn't effective. Have tried reasoning and talking, he can explain very eloquently the reasons he should go, and even wants to go, he just still doesn't.

I'm missing bits of work, being late, having to rearrange things. I'm stressed about it all the time. School have requested a meeting in a couple of weeks to discuss "how to improve things" but honestly I have no idea.

I just have no idea how things are going to get better!

@Sunnysideup4eva
I have two wonderful children. One of them is ND, one is NT. Both teenagers, both brought up by me with the same morals, rules etc
My NT is so easy it's farcicle. She is wonderful, doing fab at school, at dance, with friends, puts her phone down when asked etc etc If I get to put her behaviour down to my parenting, then honestly, just give me the global best parenting ever award right now.
My ND child often doesn't go to school and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. That would be 'forcing' her and she won't respond to that. She just won't. She can't care less about punishments or consequences.

Honestly, if you haven't experienced this, you genuinely have zero qualifications to comment.

I just wonder what people would do if they couldn't give up their job?
Those who say you couldn't leave a 12 year old at home alone, what if you would literally lose your home if you didn't go to work??

@Sunnysideup4eva

I do from your posts. If you had any understanding then you wouldn't be posting the things that you are on here.

I have 2 teens and have brought them up as a single parent.

Both of them know and respect the rules of the household, are disciplined, have consequences and know who is in charge. Both have been raised in the same household with the same parenting. My younger teen is neurotypical. He goes into school no problem and is an average teenager.

My DD however is neurodivergent. This is separate. She could not go to school and went on to have extreme mental health issues largely relating to the school environment.

Are you honestly saying you can't see a difference?

My children are younger, but I completely relate - exact same experience of parenting my NT child compared to my ND one.

My DS had problems throughout primary school it was very, very stressful pretty much every single day there was a problem and he would try to refuse. I think there was some anxiety but I didn't back down. I was kind but firm and it involved dropping and paying for breakfast club sometimes and the help of a lovely TA. He was absolutely fine by the end of the day so it was just the transition the teachers did tell me not to worry as he was fine.

Even if anxiety related they have to face it. There is no other way IMO.

He has settled into High School not one refusal. A couple of other students with similar issues but took a softer approach are still having issues and attend school a couple of times a month.

I think it may be too hard at 12 years old but I would still have them out of bed every single day and not be taking any nonsense.

Just to add he is a very happy boy no problems now at all.

But OPs DC does not have extreme mental health difficulties. He just does not go into school when he does not feel like it

Definitely a reduced and agreed timetable is worth a try- to be fair, school doesn’t make much sense and is very much a “one size fits all” approach and other kids just go with it and accept the crap bits. Other ASD kids just see it for what it is and refuse to do the social bending required. And that’s fair.
so speak to DS @VerityUnreasonble and see what his idea timetable would look like. Is he capable of being at home alone? Or is there any way to facilitate a part time school timetable?

When my (as yet undiagnosed but fairly classic struggling to mask age 13) daughter needed a reduced timetable the school were trying to make me push her to “prioritise her education, remember the exams are not far” etc… to which I answered “her education won’t be much use if she’s dead… I think I will continue to prioritise her well-being thanks”.

she is now full time and coping better but she knows I have her back…

Ha ha!

Do you have an ASD child? Her ds is clearly in ND burnout.

My dd refused school at 17. She was desperate to go but couldn’t. She was 6ft tall. Should we have dragged her in? 2 years later she’s on an Access course with 4 uni offers under her belt.

When we tried to force her in she self harmed.

Good luck with your teens.

One friend of mine lost her job, moved into smaller rented home.

Another has been on the verge of it for a while so has had all that stress on top of the worry about her child, luckily she has been able to keep going by wfh more than her employer would ideally like.

That’s great to hear about your dd, Arseinthecoopwindow. Well done her/both of you!

Have you thought about online schooling?

I used to post on the EBSA thread.

It was a terrible terrible time. She got better though. As will all the other refusers on here in burnout. Good luck to you all 🙏 it’s a bumpy road. You are all doing the best you can please don’t blame yourselves.

Theres a group on Facebook “not fine in school…” join that where you will receive lots of supportive advice from other parents in a similar situation. Really read up on ASD/ADHD and try to understand how that affects children forced to fit into the education system not designed for them

Parenting a NT child is very different from parenting a ND child. I have one of each and they respond to different things. My child with ASD always had issues with school. We spent years taking her in, screaming, shouting etc.. We tried absolutely everything.

@VerityUnreasonble your DS might be struggling at school but can’t find a reason for it, so has every excuse not to go. Like others have said, see if the school can accommodate a reduced timetable for him and apply for an EHCP. With my DD they put her on an EBSA pathway which meant the normal school attendance policies didn’t apply.

Unfortunately we weren’t able to find a solution and there were no suitable SEN schools locally. We home educate now which is working really well but I appreciate it’s not possible for everyone.

Also I’d ignore advice from anyone who’s not been in the same situation. Unless you’ve been in the same situation with a ND child, you have no idea.

Parents do literally lose their jobs over this. What planet are you on.

He doesn’t have them YET.

But school refusal is the first sign of struggling. Forcing him in will definitely give him mental health problems.

I don't think this is true. It's about having boundaries and absolutes. Sometimes society dictates you do things you don't want to for social cohesiveness in various forms. I think we got so caught up trying to teach kids bodily autonomy we made them think they can opt out of any aspect of life they find difficult or unpleasant.

What would you do if your child was self harming at the prospect of going to school?

Most people do lose their jobs.

How old is he?

Never say never,

Mine didnt refuse until 17. We had the odd patch where she didn’t want to go, but she always did. But at 17 she self harmed.

In my day, she'd have never been made to go to school at 17. She could choose to go or not go. I think that's too old to try and say someone has to stay in education. You just have to hope they will (if it is right for them).

You don't give up do you? You know nothing about the state of the OP's child's mental health. You do know though he has ASD. Do you know anything about parenting a child with ASD because it really doesn't seem so - and if you don't then maybe it would be better if you took a big step back.

The first thing I'd say OP is that low iron is common in kids with ASD and a major cause of tiredness. I'd definitely look into that.

OP, mine had many subjects that he considered pointless and didn't enjoy, also typical of ASD he didn't think he should be do school work (homework) at home. He has always been pretty compliant and had an end goal (university) though fortunately which made things a little easier. He also really got into programming during lockdown and that really helped give him direction.

Does you DS have future plans? Anything he is interested in doing at uni or as a career? Personally I'd really encourage him with coding as a career. That was what always kept mine on track I think, it got easier when he could drop the most hated subjects, drama, art etc for GCSE too.

You say he doesn't use the SEN space - maybe he doesn't like the idea of being in an SEN space as there might be some stigma at school. Does he have an alternative available to hang out in that might work better? Library, computer room, pastoral area?

I'd really get into the coding with him, it's a really good job for someone with ASD. Talk to him about the future possibilities going to uni, doing a degree apprenticeship and doing what he enjoys as a job. Look at what he needs to do to get to uni, what GCSE's and A-levels might he do, what he needs to be competitive to get a degree apprenticeship - getting paid straight out of school and getting your degree paid for you while you do something you enjoy might really appeal to him. It might make school feel less pointless and i think that's the trick.

If he's interested in degree apprenticeships explain that they are competitive and he will need all the computer/maths experience he can get. Good GCSE's and high predicted A-levels even if not strictly required are going to be needed to compete. Then impressive extra curriculars such as designing his own games, making websites, short courses to learn about coding basic AI, volunteering at school in the computer club, any computer related activities at school put on by that department.

DS is doing a really good degree apprenticeship if you want any more details PM me.

We were advised to do this by the school and pyschologist.

Its not like she was capable of working. And they have to be in education until 18

They don't have to be educated in school and there are no legal repercussions for anyone involved if they do nothing at all. You may lose any benefits associated with them remaining in full time education though.

Went through this with two children for two years. No advice as what changed it for one was just him starting to make friends and the other started doing well academically. People who think you can make a child go to school that refuses are lucky as they’ve never experienced the hell and misery associated with it and all I can say is definitely pick your battles and remember the end goal is them not being absolutely miserable (because I was there and it’s a horror movie!)

How can she make him go ?
Do you have experience of this ?