DS school refusal is driving me mad

[VerityUnreasonble]

I'll start this I guess by saying I'm not expecting any magic solutions, I'm mostly just having a moan.

DS is in year 7, we've had issues with him refusing school for the last 3 years. His attendance hovers around 85% which was much the same in year 6, it was slightly better in year 5.

DS has a diagnosis of ASD, he is academically very able, socially not so much but he's not upset by this.

Reasons he currently refuses to go in are:

He's tired (probably true - he is under sleep clinic and prescribed melatonin, also slightly defiencient in vitamin D and B12 which he is being treated for)

He doesn't feel well (sort of true - usually means he has a slight cold)

He has to go too much / there are too many days in a school year (this is his major reason at the moment, he doesn't want to go because he doesn't like it and feels he has to be there too often)

It starts too early (he will occasionally go in slightly later or for the afternoon)

There are various lessons / things he dislikes (sports/ presentations etc. - contributes to some days being worse than others)

Have tried both carrot and stick approach, the only thing he's really fussed about is access to his tech but even using that as a bribe / punishment isn't effective. Have tried reasoning and talking, he can explain very eloquently the reasons he should go, and even wants to go, he just still doesn't.

I'm missing bits of work, being late, having to rearrange things. I'm stressed about it all the time. School have requested a meeting in a couple of weeks to discuss "how to improve things" but honestly I have no idea.

I just have no idea how things are going to get better!

I know all this. I’ve been through it. She’s on UC and PIP

And no there are no legal repercussions, but we were acting on professional advice.

Did you ever think well at 17, i could have just left?

@VerityUnreasonble does he have a diagnosis of PDA ?

What @littleluncheon says.
Secondary school is massively draining for most neurodivergent children - socially and on a sensory level. It's often very hard for them to express what the problem is.
My autistic son has really struggled with school over the years. What has helped a bit is joining a couple of clubs for things he is passionate about - sounds v counterintuitive spending more time at school, but has made a big difference socially meeting people who share his interests. And makes school seem a less threatening place I think.
Another thing that really helped was having a quiet place to go at lunch and break. And keeping demands as low as possible when at home, as school takes so much energy.
Good luck it's not easy

It’s not about boundaries and absolutes. It’s forcing a child into a completely unsuitable environment. Have you ever had a job you’ve really hated? It’s like that but you can’t look for another job, you have to stay in it, for years. Also try and learn at the same time, without the perspective that an adult has. It’s very different from just not feeling like going in that day.

She wanted to go in. But couldn’t. We didn’t know what to do for the best.

She did leave.

Why can't you look for another school. Lots of people hate working at all but have to because they need money. It's about finding the best job you can within your limitations.

But only 3 out of 10 ASD people work as they can’t cope with the stress/NT work environment.

Unlesd it’s an ASD school changing school will do very little.

Hes unwell.

Been away from the thread for a little bit as I'm trying to both work and parent currently.

I can't homeschool. Both DH and I work full time, DH works shifts fully out of the house. I work Mon - Fri and have some flexibility so can work from home at least some of the time but do need to go out on visits. Today I had to make a very apologetic call and ask someone to cover an in person meeting for me. Fortunately work are currently being as supportive as they can. We both need to work to pay the mortgage and bills.

I do have an older DC who had excellent attendance so I'm not sure my parenting style is generally lax. DS has always had boundaries and consequences for actions and understands perfectly well that people need to do things even if they don't want to / feel unwell etc. He manages it the majority of days. On the days he has decided he won't / can't go though it makes no difference what I do. If he's got as far as getting in the car then dropping him off wouldn't be an issue.

Online school is something I've looked at, it wouldn't be the ideal solution as I think realistically DS does need some level of interaction with the world. However, if he could have part school / part online this might work.

Someone mentioned about friends - he has every opportunity to make friends, other children like his company! He has been invited to hang out with people at lunch time and people make an effort to say hello to him. He is just not interested in them, although he is polite and will respond to direct questions. I've also encouraged and taken him to various groups and clubs but none have lasted long.

He has thoughts about what he wants to do in future and can explain that he needs to go to school to achieve it. He can give me a whole list of positives about school and why he wants to go but some days that just gets outweighed by the "don't want to go feeling"

Although, in general his MH is ok, he does when having a meltdown, which is often triggered by stress over this issue, say that he feels useless and worthless. So it's probably unfair to say he has no issues at all and ignores the fact that he has ASD, which can make life hard for him at times. However, outside of this, he is usually a contented and calm boy who is kind and thoughtful.

I appreciate the posts that have shown some understanding and let me vent a little.

Sometimes that is the answer, but often the child is already at the school they have the best chance of coping with, because that’s why you chose it in the first place!

It would help if there was more small scale provision and provision for neurodiverse children with academic ability. The only other option we were offered for our son was a PRU.

No, and in general I wouldn't say he has a PDA type profile. Most things he is quite willing to do when asked, although I think like a lot of people he does respond better to having choices.

I agree these threads often get people who haven’t been through it don’t understand and fixate in refusal being because they won’t rather than cant.

mine is currently on 80% in yesr 7 (having finished on 60% for year 5 and 35% Year 6 so year 7 is going very well from my perspective)

for mine it is very much cant sometimes - for us (and I really do think it is a different approach for each child - each one needs a unique approach) it was letting go of the days he can’t do - mine for example often hits a wall after doing a few days I. A row and needs a break. I don’t punish or get stressed and just let him have a day. It has helped immensely. 80% is a good enough target for us.

he also doesn’t do PE and they let him sit out.
He doesn’t get detentions for being late and if he has a panic attack (separate to h needing a day I can tell the difference now) he goes in for some of it and although they can’t reset attnendance it is agreed it is a positive he makes it in

As other posters have said, it does get worse as they get older. However, my adult ASD child who school refused is now doing ok at part time college, in their mid twenties.

We didn't have a diagnosis or support early enough, not sure if it would have made a difference really though, as school was just way too much for them.

Ignore the posters who clearly have no idea about the levels of anxiety involved for these children.

Something is making him anxious and overwhelming him. You've had good advice above re EHC needs assessment and alternative provision.

And I really struggle with your lack of comprehension and compassion for people in a very difficult daily situation. The OP is trying to support her child in the best way possible. We don’t live in the 1950s or even earlier where we forced people to do things. Perhaps the school system should be seeking to better understand the needs of children and young people?!

School can be one of the least suitable environments for children with ASD, so unless he becomes a teacher, he might find ‘real life’ rather better.

I would dearly enjoy watching one of these hyper critical and judgemental individuals manage a day in our lives. Let’s see how well they do getting a child who doesn’t want to go to school ready and in through the door regulated and set up to have a good day. No it wasn’t this way 50 years ago. It’s called progress, we understand better now and therefore should be doing more to manage the child who need more or a different approach. Or we could just never make any advancements in society

OP asked for advice, not to be bashed by people who really don't understand the situation 👏👏👏👏 to all of you wonderful mums who's children go to school each and everyday. I hope you never go through what OP and many of us on here have been through

@beasmithwentworth's advice (her first post) is really good OP. Do all that.

EHCP support thread no. 4 - www.mumsnet.com/talk/special_educational_needs/5197351-ehcp-support-thread-no-4 also please join us here. Don't wait for the school to request the EHCNA. Do it yourself ASAP.

I’m in Ireland so some things are probably different here.

My DS 16 has been diagnosed with Autism, ADHD etc. and he’s also very academically able and quite happy working by himself.

He also has Dyspraxia so sport has always been tricky for him. This year his head of Learning Support agreed that he could ditch PE entirely and spend that time in the library/study room (doing his homework usually). That helped improve things enormously as he was really struggling with being hassled by fellow students for not being much of a competent team player and the PE teacher wasn’t much help either.

Would that be an option for your DS?

Fifty years ago schools were more diverse [edited to clarify: different from each other], there was more flexibility, so while there were many schools that were truly awful there was also more chance of somewhere being found for the square peg who wouldn’t fit in the one size fits all round hole.
There have also been changes that I would suggest vastly increase the difficulty for autistic children and indeed teachers. Many schools have a policy of all teaching happening with the door open, so you can hear several other lessons happening as well as your own. Lighting has become brighter and the visual environment busier, you’re more likely to be moving around school between lessons rather than using a home form room with your own desk, timetables on a two week cycle lead to less of a feeling of routine. Basically, the sensory overload has got much much worse and this is something autistic people typically find hard even without the other stresses of learning and school social life.

You think? He’s not happy with the time spent at school in spite of many weeks of holiday per year - what employer do you know that gives more annual leave than that?

Doesn’t like certain tasks - ah well, nobody at work ever does anything they don’t like.

Doesn't like early starts - that’s ok, employers don’t give you a start time.

@Halycon

I'm presuming this is a wind up. What advice to you have to offer to the op?

All schools when I was young at secondary school had harsh strip lighting and pupils moved classes.
Office environments are also busier and noisier. Most people are in open plan offices.