DS school refusal is driving me mad

[VerityUnreasonble]

I'll start this I guess by saying I'm not expecting any magic solutions, I'm mostly just having a moan.

DS is in year 7, we've had issues with him refusing school for the last 3 years. His attendance hovers around 85% which was much the same in year 6, it was slightly better in year 5.

DS has a diagnosis of ASD, he is academically very able, socially not so much but he's not upset by this.

Reasons he currently refuses to go in are:

He's tired (probably true - he is under sleep clinic and prescribed melatonin, also slightly defiencient in vitamin D and B12 which he is being treated for)

He doesn't feel well (sort of true - usually means he has a slight cold)

He has to go too much / there are too many days in a school year (this is his major reason at the moment, he doesn't want to go because he doesn't like it and feels he has to be there too often)

It starts too early (he will occasionally go in slightly later or for the afternoon)

There are various lessons / things he dislikes (sports/ presentations etc. - contributes to some days being worse than others)

Have tried both carrot and stick approach, the only thing he's really fussed about is access to his tech but even using that as a bribe / punishment isn't effective. Have tried reasoning and talking, he can explain very eloquently the reasons he should go, and even wants to go, he just still doesn't.

I'm missing bits of work, being late, having to rearrange things. I'm stressed about it all the time. School have requested a meeting in a couple of weeks to discuss "how to improve things" but honestly I have no idea.

I just have no idea how things are going to get better!

That’s not ‘facts’, that’s you uncritically accepting your DH’s ignorant and ill informed misunderstanding of what the parents of challenging kids at his school are going through.
But fair enough, if that’s what he’s telling you he’s the one that’s not fit to be working in a school.

Lol, @JoyousGreyOrca , you have no clue, do you? We’ve been doing behaviour interventions with my DD since she was 2. She’s now nearly 11 and there is literally nothing anyone can do to get her to do something she doesn’t want to do. Some children are a lot more complex than others.

@ByHazelPeer

And of course the OP is fortunately at the stage that we got to, and hopefully won't. But it IS a demonstration of what can happen if we just assume it's a parenting issue and are not mindful of what stresses these young people are facing. It escalated so quickly for us and it does.

*not at the stage

Is homeschooling an option OP?

How is that not the case? If you as a parent are staying at home because your child has refused to go to school, however that process may have come about, then that is facilitation. I’m sure there are parents who leave their teenagers at home, and still go to work. That doesn’t therefore mean I’m also secretly saying that it’s the parents fault or that the parents haven’t gone through some sort of turmoil with it, or tried everything to encourage the child to go to school. If I have touched a nerve that’s your problem.

@ByHazelPeer

I sincerely hope that you never have to go through what we have been through. I can guarantee you won't be writing these kind of posts if you do.

@VerityUnreasonble has he got thoughts about what he would like to do in the future? You say he spends a large amount of time coding, is that something he could do as a job? Would home schooling be an option, using Oak Academy resources etc?

@ByHazelPeer

I don't imagine that you are evil or vile. You just don't have first hand experience of the trauma of having to deal with this, and so presumably your DH doesn't as a school employee or as a parent. So what he sees whilst no doubt in a very busy job is very surface level and is about 1% of the actual situation. Then he reports this back to you. Who then posts it on Mumsnet.

Have to say I read the OP and thought the same? Who is in charge in your house OP 😳
My response to him saying he feels he has to go to school often would be, 'I feel I'm spending too much on your phone contract /the wifi/xbox/all screen activities, and I don't fancy doing that now, so I'm going to stop paying for all those things/remove them'

And not just for 2 weeks. I'd give it at least 6 months of absolutely zero screens, none, no phone, no telly, no computer (not even for learning - he can use good old fashioned books), no gaming, nothing involving a screen.

Pretty sure he'd get bored and i would point out that of course I would not stop him using computers at school....

you don’t understand this at all, do you?
The child won’t magically go to school because the parent leaves the house.
If anything it can be the other way round, that if you say ‘fuck it’ and go off to work you are giving up on any possibility of getting the child in for second lesson, or after lunch, which can sometimes be a possibility.
Of course, if you regularly leave a child in a distraught state home alone you are also running the risk of something bad happening, or getting investigated for child neglect but hey that’s better than ‘facilitating’ them.

God, some of this is horrifying! The idea of forcibly carrying a 23 year old into a car and to school, kicking and screaming is terrible. And traumatising!

The worst I had with my DC was a refusal to get dressed to go to nursery once. I took them in their pyjamas. (Took clothes to change into on arrival but didn't make that immediately clear until we got there.) They never did that again. I feel for the parents who have been things like the above!

Interestingly, my now adult DD is going through an autism diagnosis. There were inklings but she never refused school. However, she did come home and sleep for 2 hours solid every day which we now think was exhaustion from the effort of being 'normal'. In the long term, her self-taught coping strategies to adapt to the world as it is seem to have benefited her more than staying at home, but that's just the way it is for her. The fact she was so tired is one thing. Had it been actively harming her mental health that would be quite another. It may be so hard for a parent in that situation.

My best wishes to all of you. 💐

I don’t think you are evil or vile, though your posts on this thread are perhaps a touch self righteous and unkind.
Mainly I think you are both ignorant and have no clue just how ignorant you are.

@JoyousGreyOrca

You don't have a clue.

Please stay out of this one. It isn't pleasant to read posts like yours, and not just because it's woefully ignorant, when you're so stressed by it all.

@Sunnysideup4eva

This doesn't work. This is based on the principle that the child doesn't WANT to go to school.
In the vast majority of cases they can't. They want to but they can't. So actually you are punishing them for something that they can't do.
There is even a book on it called 'can't not wont' as nobody who hasn't been through it can understand.

Still pointing the finger and giving unsubstantiated advice to people who have tried all of these things that haven't worked.

And I'd agree with this. The hard work is done when they are younger. By age 12 they should absolutely respect that their parents are in charge, id never have dared to disobey my parents about something as big as school attendance.
Those who are really into being really gentle with their kids, and elevating them to head of the pecking order in their house? This is where it leads.
Children are our dependants. They depend on us for everything, love, care, support... But also food, shelter, clothing, resources. Goes both ways if they want all of that unconditionally they have to play by your rules.
I was always told, when you earn your own money and live in your own home you can do what you like!

Personally, I wouldn’t deregister and electively home educate. Parents often find it easier, although not easy, to get support when DC remain in the system. Crudely, at the moment, DS is someone’s ‘problem’. The LA remains responsible for his education, and if you get an EHCP, that can include therapies. Whereas if you deregister and EHE, it is easier for professionals to sweep DS’s needs under the carpet and the LA doesn't have to provide alternative provision and if you get an EHCP but EHE, they don't have to provide the provision in the EHCP.

Please just stop @Sunnysideup4eva

You have absolutely no idea

I actually just laughed at your last post you have so little understanding of this particular subject.

You know you can't just leave a young child home alone and go to work?
Baffling.

You have absolutely no idea whaty understanding is of this particular subject 😂

I've laughed at several posts/posters on this thread.
The ignorance is incredible and they just keep coming back and digging themselves an even deeper hole. Its embarrassing for them.

You say he has no friends which is really sad. Are school at least trying to facilitate friendships with like minded boys who like computing and coding? From my personal experience, boys with ASD take a long time to find each other and initially think each other to be “strange”, but eventually they click and it can make a huge difference. All children need friends at school ideally.

No advice, but solidarity because unfortunately we are in the same situation with my ASD year 4 DD. Her attendance is currently hovering around 70% for the year. Likewise can sometimes get in mid-morning or lunchtime, but it is so unpredictable and requires so much sustained effort.

Exactly the same, cannot fully articulate the reasons (my best guess it is a complex multi-faceted issue, but includes exhaustion from masking, sensory overload, social pressures, undiagnosed ADHD) - all she comes up with is she wants to play at home and doesn't like maths.

Currently in the EHCP process (awaiting appeal for refusal to assess). SENCO wants to trial a two week period of a very set timetable of just going in in the afternoons for 1:1 work and emotional regulation interventions.

It is the most stressful thing we have dealt with so far as parents. Also trying to work as well.

And yes, we have tried every parenting strategy under the sun and no it is not our parenting.

I absolutely cannot emphasise enough how much easier our NT DS is to parent in every single way (whose attendance btw is 100%!).

I'm really sorry you're all going through this. My daughter was the same - also autistic. It sounds like your son is telling you reasons that he can't go but can't tell you the reason he really can't go - because school cannot meet his need and he either needs more support or he needs a different school/environment.

My daughter's school was supportive and they agreed to a list of over 20 reasonable adjustments that me/my daughter thought might help make her feel better at school. She still couldn't go.

Definitely apply for an EHCP (do it yourself, don't ask school to do it as they will take forever). But school should have stepped in to offer support and help waaaayy before this and I wonder why not.

My daughter started with serious school issue in year 6. Had 3 years out of school and now is in year 11 at an independent specialist school doing 8 GCSEs and goes happily each morning. Mainstream school just couldn't give her the support or the environment that she needs.

It sounds like your son might also have a PDA profile? My stepson does and finds doing anything 1000% harder.

Very best of luck navigating it. Agree re the Not Fine in School FB group and there are lots of EHCP support groups as well x