DS school refusal is driving me mad

[VerityUnreasonble]

I'll start this I guess by saying I'm not expecting any magic solutions, I'm mostly just having a moan.

DS is in year 7, we've had issues with him refusing school for the last 3 years. His attendance hovers around 85% which was much the same in year 6, it was slightly better in year 5.

DS has a diagnosis of ASD, he is academically very able, socially not so much but he's not upset by this.

Reasons he currently refuses to go in are:

He's tired (probably true - he is under sleep clinic and prescribed melatonin, also slightly defiencient in vitamin D and B12 which he is being treated for)

He doesn't feel well (sort of true - usually means he has a slight cold)

He has to go too much / there are too many days in a school year (this is his major reason at the moment, he doesn't want to go because he doesn't like it and feels he has to be there too often)

It starts too early (he will occasionally go in slightly later or for the afternoon)

There are various lessons / things he dislikes (sports/ presentations etc. - contributes to some days being worse than others)

Have tried both carrot and stick approach, the only thing he's really fussed about is access to his tech but even using that as a bribe / punishment isn't effective. Have tried reasoning and talking, he can explain very eloquently the reasons he should go, and even wants to go, he just still doesn't.

I'm missing bits of work, being late, having to rearrange things. I'm stressed about it all the time. School have requested a meeting in a couple of weeks to discuss "how to improve things" but honestly I have no idea.

I just have no idea how things are going to get better!

How you described your son it’s likely to be an autistic spectrum, but you already say it at in your first post.
secondary can be challenging because they see other boys fighting and swearing and that can makes them anxious

To all of those struggling...

I know what a relief it felt when it was a half term (or even better a longer break) off school.
I always felt a bit lighter when they weren't supposed to be at school.. and my DD always did too. I could see glimpses of her real self.
Not having to walk upstairs with the feeling of anxiety / hopefulness and dread to start the long and painful process.

Wishing everyone a hopefully relaxing break. Nearly there!

We feel this 100%. Our yr 8 son does flexischooling so is only in school 4 days a week, it makes life much more bearable for him and us (our NT daughters are FT in school with excellent attendance). I have been trying to promote flexischooling for ND pupils, though it won't work for all as some parents won't have the flexibility to homeschool their kids due to work commitments or other reasons, but I wish it was a more widely accepted practice as it is proving invaluable for our son (still academically exceeding at school, despite only attending 4 days a week).

I used to think this before having a ND child.

OP, you said you wouldn't consider online schools. How is your ds doing when you give him stuff from Oak Academy to do? If he does it pretty independently and without objections, he might be really enjoying online school. My dcs are doing it, dd is happy to be home alone on days when dh can't work from home. Secondary school age should be OK to be home alone, especially as online schools have a certain safeguarding function and there is always someone to talk to during the day and they gave student support hotlines. For social development, is there maybe something like a coding club he'd enjoy attending irl? Online schools also do online clubs and parents and pupils meet up irl. Online schools like KingsInterhigh or Minerva Virtual Academy can be funded via EHCPs. Online school has totally transformed my dcs lives for the better and has genuinely eliminated all stress from our home life and academically dcs are doing very well. They are definitely getting better results and a better education thst at a state school and are prepared for university and work, as they work independently, manage their time and are professional with technology..I can't recommend it strongly enough, especially for years 7 to 11, which seem the most difficult for neurodiverse children. 6 form college and university seem better suited to many neurodiverse children, especially ASD, as there is more choice, more freedom and overall fewer hours in group/class settings.

I haven't ruled out online school completely, homeschooling I couldn't do! Online school might be an option - but my thoughts currently are that if he can manage in school school the majority of the time (and when he does go in he is ok, enjoys the lessons, likes telling me what he learnt, gets on fine with other people) then having some interaction with the world is not a bad thing (I know we could do clubs and meet ups). An ideal would probably be for him to be able to have a day a week of online, which I could arrange my work around being at home for if he did need an occasional bit of support.

If things got worse / he was more stressed / missing more school, I'd absolutely consider online and we'd find a way to make it work.

Deleted
was going to suggest homeschooling x

My son struggled with school from nursery.( I actually went to university to study this whole issue). By year 7 barely lasted a day. No medical diagnosis in those days, he is now 35. Speak to the school, get help from social media, education otherwise was only help I could find then but it gave me facts. Children don't have to go to school but they have to be educated. In year 9 they allowed him to do work experience and it was the best thing for him. One size does not fit all and school is not the best place for everyone. I went on to be a behaviour specialist with excluded children. Hope this helps. Good luck. X

If you get an EHCP, OP, that would be more likely to be able to happen.

I taught a child a few years ago who was doing a qualification at an agricultural college one day a week and the other 4 days he was with us (mainstream comp) doing GCSEs.

I can't see many Local Authorities being able to afford to supply 'home tutors' for every child who refuses to go to school.. given that there are apparently 70000 subscribers to 'not fine at school', and that's probably just the tip of the iceberg. Totally unrealistic.
If, as a parent, your child won't go to school even after all the support that school is able to offer has been tried-then frankly it's your (as parent/s) responsibility to educate your child, and prepare them for the big wide world where, as they get older, there won't always be mum or dad paying all the bills, putting food on their plates, funding their lifestyle. It's awful for parent(s) but who else is going to do it?
I think we have a societal time bomb brewing given the apparently large numbers of children/young people who are simply withdrawing from participation/contribution to society as a concept.

Being unable to attend school is in no way the same as withdrawing from participation or contribution to society, and actually implying that not being able to cope with school means you don’t want to contribute is really offensive to many of the young people I know who absolutely contribute, do good and have plans to earn a living, and in some cases are already volunteering or doing part time work.

If you want some examples, I know one teenage girl who can’t cope with school but volunteers at a riding school and is qualifying as a riding teacher. My ds is currently attending school but when he wasn’t he was developing programming skills which will allow him to work remotely.

I absolutely agree that tutors for all isn’t affordable. So what a pity schools have been squeezed and regularised to become environments that so many young people can’t cope with even though plenty would be perfectly capable of coping with school if it was different. That was a bit of a false economy then.

I'm not sure kids have changed THAT much. Humans are humans.

Schools have changed.
The curriculum has changed.
Society has changed.
NHS waiting lists have changed.
LAs have got rather bold about breaking the law, knowing they'll rarely be challenged.

All OP can (or needs to) do is the best for her particular child. He sounds rather sensible actually with his head screwed on!

It is not about “tutors” for all, but it is fair enough to ask why there cannot be state funded and regulated online schools in this day and age. That may work for many of these kids.

I think that is the direction things are going @Araminta1003. Academy21 is now Ofsted accredited and schools can (and do) direct to it as alternative provision (AP). However currently the aim is generally integration back into in-person.

I really think the education system needs to adapt to allow more flexibility in timetables for pupils with SEN - not sure how it would work, but special schools have different curricula to mainstream, yet pupils with SEN at mainstream are expected to just fit in with everyone else. There was a recent 'parliamentary call for evidence' asking for suggestions as to how to ease the SEN crisis with immediate actions. I responded to it and suggested flexischooling and the option for differentiated timetables/curricula for SEN pupils.

My son is year 8 in mainstream and the only reason he is not completely refusing school is because school and I are working together to make it more manageable for him. He does 4 days in school, one day home-ed. They allow him to be in the inclusion centre for some non-core lessons that he struggles with. I really feel the way my son is being managed could be a good option for lots of NT pupils in mainstream, and with relatively low investment needed.

frankly it's your (as parent/s) responsibility to educate your child

Thankfully, the law disagrees with you. The LA has a statutory duty under section 19 of the Education Act 1996 to ensure compulsory school aged DC unable to attend school receive a suitable full-time education.

This isn’t always home tuition. Other examples can be via online provision (either 1:1 tuition, small group provision or via an online school), tuition in the community, tuition centres, PRUs, APs…

Sadly, LAs often ignore this until parents enforce their DC’s rights. But it certainly isn’t “totally unrealistic”. It can and does happen. Sadly, it too often takes a parent knowing the law and enforcing it.

Home tuition via an EOTAS/EOTIS package under section 61 of the Children and Families Act 2014 is also possible. An increasing number of DC with EHCPs have EOTAS/EOTIS (with or without the C on the end). These packages are completely bespoke, so not all include home tuition, but lots do.

I had similar with my son in year 7 (post covid) and got round the desire not to go by explaining the purpose. He's a gamer so explained school was his training arc where he learns skills for the main story which is life. He has to realise that the training arc will end at 18 and he'll either have qualifications to go onto further education/job etc or he won't. The game will still continue whether you mastered the required skills or not. He's getting through English Lit GCSE coursework, which he is finding worthless, this year while looking forward to 6th form when he can drop everything and just do Maths and computing.

Do you have any experience with children with additional needs? The child in question is neurodivergent and what OP describes is very common. That doesn’t mean that all children with autism can’t attend school but it’s very common for the school environment to be hard to tolerate. Did it say in her post that she let him do whatever he wanted for years? No it didn’t. She’s clearly trying everything but professionals that work with children are very aware of this issue and there’s not nearly enough support. Trying to shame her when she’s asking for advice isn’t that helpful is it?

I’ve seen the start of this road, twice:
In one case, the child surrounded themselves with like-minded people, got gradually more anxious, blamed everything that went wrong on their ADHD and ultimately stopped attending altogether after severe exam anxiety at GCSE.

In the other case, the child, who seemed worse at 11, worked through their problems with a view to what they could do to fix them. The first step for them was recognising that they needed to learn social confidence so that other people would be interested in what they said and they could command respect. They had a wonderful house head, who managed information to their teachers in the short run about what support they needed, but also found ways to use the child’s expertise to help set up a club at school.

Feeling respected and valued rather than a problem was the catalyst to a world of change.

best of luck

@Mrspenfold123 That's possible but a) difficult to achieve and b) not at all guaranteed to help a child with ASD and PDA. The OPs ds has ASD not ADHD. ASD people often care very little about popularity and outward signs of achievement. Of course noone likes to be bullied or purposefully excluded, but being surrounded by many people is simply hell for some human beings, even if the people they have to deal with think of them as great and are kind and friendly. My dd was pretty popular, definitely respected, never Queen Bee but won many scholarships and prizes, head of this, leader of this and that club, county rep for other things, and a clear teacher's favourite. She was, and is, very confident in many ways. She still hated the noise, the presence of other people, the rules, the germs, the changes, having to listen to things in class she already knew and she still felt immense anxiety and depression simply because she had to be in a place and do things and wear things she didn't choose, that didn't make sense to her, that were inefficient and simply arbitrary traditions, surrounded by loud, chaotic, breathing, smelling, talking, sneazing human beings on rooms that were often too hot and too brightly lit. Some ASD people e.g. describe how the sound of someone chewing is deafening to them and like someone running their fingernails down a blackboard, or how wearing a tie suffocates them or how their brain simply can't compound and carry out a process that is not 'true', e.g. singing a song about love conquers all in assembly to a God they think can't exist. In the olden days, young people had choices or at least followed different paths when they were young. People like Mozart, Leonardo DaVinci, Newton or much more ordinary but autistic people could learn their crafts and science from a young age in small workshops, at home with their parents, from a home tutor or have relatively quiet, solitary jobs like kitchen maid, carpenter or farm labourer. My ASD df left school at 13 to work as a gardener, later as a bin man. Both was relatively solitary and quiet and he enjoyed it. Of course not everyone found their place and for many life was miserable, mainly due to poverty, wars and illness, but the 'one and the same hole for every peg, and this hole is a large seconday school or college till 18' approach we have today has been unknown throughout history.

I'm sure alot if us didn't want to go to school but we just went.

I was only allowed off school if I was unwell, if not it was school.

You didn't even dream of kicking off. It just didn't happen.

Sometimes it goes against the grain but you just have to draw a line under school.
For everyone's sake.
The only thing that worked for me after exhausting all avenues was allowing my son to make his own choices concerning his education. It took nerves of steel but it did pay off. He studied online and is now at university, studying a subject he is hyper focused on and so much happier and confident.
The support the school offer is incredibly limited and restricted and if you go on groups such as NFAS you will see many thousands of parents all in the same boat, all suffering with their own mental health due to the toll it takes on the whole family.
Most parents such as myself only prolong the agony and actually do far more damage trying to implement so called strategies that don't work, or work temporarily until the next episode.
Many young people do manage to turn things around further on down the line. We need to accept the school environment is not for every one and that's ok.

Absolutely

Our ND Dd struggled at A level. Gave up eventually. We had to just bear it. It was a terrible stressful time.

She turned herself round after 18 months and is doing an Access course. Currently got 4 uni offers. We had to go at her pace.

Ffs 🙄

Of course it happened, but schools didn't have to chase it up nor keep records. The leaving age was also lower, the cost of living was lower and there were more vocational options (or low skilled work come to that).