DS school refusal is driving me mad

[VerityUnreasonble]

I'll start this I guess by saying I'm not expecting any magic solutions, I'm mostly just having a moan.

DS is in year 7, we've had issues with him refusing school for the last 3 years. His attendance hovers around 85% which was much the same in year 6, it was slightly better in year 5.

DS has a diagnosis of ASD, he is academically very able, socially not so much but he's not upset by this.

Reasons he currently refuses to go in are:

He's tired (probably true - he is under sleep clinic and prescribed melatonin, also slightly defiencient in vitamin D and B12 which he is being treated for)

He doesn't feel well (sort of true - usually means he has a slight cold)

He has to go too much / there are too many days in a school year (this is his major reason at the moment, he doesn't want to go because he doesn't like it and feels he has to be there too often)

It starts too early (he will occasionally go in slightly later or for the afternoon)

There are various lessons / things he dislikes (sports/ presentations etc. - contributes to some days being worse than others)

Have tried both carrot and stick approach, the only thing he's really fussed about is access to his tech but even using that as a bribe / punishment isn't effective. Have tried reasoning and talking, he can explain very eloquently the reasons he should go, and even wants to go, he just still doesn't.

I'm missing bits of work, being late, having to rearrange things. I'm stressed about it all the time. School have requested a meeting in a couple of weeks to discuss "how to improve things" but honestly I have no idea.

I just have no idea how things are going to get better!

When I left school in the eighties youth unemployment was sky high. Although the leaving age was lower.

We are similar ages then. So schools now have the function of keeping youth unemployment lower!

@PassingStranger

Yawn. Have you not read the thread?

My DD is 13, nearly 14 (Y9) and is suspected autistic with pda traits (awaiting assessment still), shw also has selective mutism and tourettes.
Secondary school has been horrendous for her, she struggles to cope with the constantly moving around to different lessons, different teachers all with different expectations, huge numbers of students, the noise... it's all very triggering for her.
She's also had to contend with being picked on constantly and even bouts of bullying from girls who are supposed to be her friends!
School tried to support but it often didn't get filtered down into the classroom, she was punished for not speaking or marked as disruptive for her tics!
The school refusal started late December, we had a horrible family bereavement and she got tormented about that which was the tipping point for her. After a few weeks of pressure from school to make her come back and a helpful GP telling me to physically drag her there, I made the decision to deregister her and go down the EHE route. She was officially taken off roll last week and she's happier already, I have no idea how home education will go but she understands she needs to engage in it or will be made to go back to school.
Her brother is Y11 and doing fine in school so he'll stay there and do his gcses this summer but for kids with SEN mainstream school doesn't always work and we need you consider other options.

No not ffs.
It's true.
I could never have imagined saying I'm.not going to school
I went even when it was hell.

But that doesn’t sound like it was a good thing @PassingStranger?
Going when it was hell.
Some people may have got through that relatively okay, but others may have been impacted severely by that type of approach. I don’t think it’s something to emulate.

I'm a teacher as well as a parent. I don't want anyone going to school feeling it's hell 😞.

That screams wrong environment and miserable kids don't learn well.

There are lots of ways to get educated.

People say more children are missing school today than in the past, and in the past everyone just 'went to school without question'. I've looked at statistics because that claim didn't feel right to me. When you look at statistics showing 'missing teenagers', i.e. children who have run away, numbers were much, much higher in the 80s and 90s when I went to school. I remember significant numbers of kids running away from home. Teenage rough sleeping, prostitution, teenage pregnancy etc was a major thing at the time. I also had two pupils in my class of 24 comit suicide, one in primary, one in secondary. We don't want to go back to these days.

I think that some of the comparisons are being made (at least by the educational establishment) to usual levels of attendance immediately before spring 2020 (which were, as pp state, much higher than in past generations and also school leaving age has gone up).

So a school typically may have had a fall from say 98% attendance to 95% attendance and of course that's an issue as there will be children and parents with issues and needs that should be addressed in that extra 3%, and it adds up nationally, but we are not facing some kind of mass desertion of the education system. That's hyperbole!

https://explore-education-statistics.service.gov.uk/find-statistics/pupil-attendance-in-schools

I have to say the unauthorised absence rate in state funded special schools really should not be that high given the cost to the taxpayer? Or is that OK? I would fully expect the authorised rate to be high due to medical appointments etc. but unauthorised? If the special schools are not doing a great job then of getting kids to attend?
Personally, I think it is only the persistent absence rate we should worry about. Anyone over 95% is really no concern whatsoever despite the odd duvet day.

Or could it be the ridiculously long journeys some DCs with SEND have to undertake daily just to get to a special school? Which are quite inhumane in some cases, especially given their disabilities already?

I think with special schools there's also the issue that the bar to get into them is so high that issues are very great by then.

Agree with @Phineyj - and if the specialist schools enable a child to go 3 days a week instead of attempting one day a week in mainstream and bolting home half the time partway through that day, then it has been a big improvement

Yes, absence by length of time at the school might add nuance. When a child's in the right environment, hopefully things improve.

@Araminta1003 to make any meaningful conclusion, you would need to know the cause of the unauthorised absences. Some schools incorrectly code absences for medical reasons as unauthorised absences when it should be authorised.

So because you were forced to go in the past, even when it was ‘hell’, you think it’s a good thing in 2025 to force children and young people to go too? Does your personal experience (which you’ve admitted was hell), mean all children should go through hell too?

What you need to understand is that in 2025 parenting has evolved. Parents today generally show empathy towards their children, whatever their age, and don’t feel as much pressure to force them into environments that harm them.

The stats for unauthorised aren't that far apart - 2.9% and 3.2% - authorised is clearly higher but makes sense as there may be medical or other needs.

By school type, the absence rates across the 2024/25 academic year to date were:

• 5.2% in state-funded primary schools (3.8% authorised and 1.4% unauthorised)
• 8.0% in state-funded secondary schools (5.1% authorised and 2.9% unauthorised)
• 12.8% in state-funded special schools (9.6% authorised and 3.2% unauthorised)

I didn't even tell my parents I didn't like going.
I knew just went to school unless you were Ill and I did.